Floater's diary

I aqua jogged for an hour. Bought this summer's first ice cream (Ben & Jerrys salted caramel on a stick, 80g and 250 kcal) on my way back. It was delicious, and of course I dropped some on the ground lol. I'll definitely buy it again though, it was worth the price!

I'm glad I bought it because it gave me just enough energy to get my red lentil stew going and talk to a friend on the phone while I was cooking. I'll count the ice cream as part of meal #4, speaking of which I also had 200g of cottage cheese instead of 100 because I'm really hungry for protein. The fried plantain is incredibly nice, I'll definitely make this again. I'll also have a bottle of Kombucha for dessert. I've been busy today and I want to treat myself!
 
I'm so glad I don't like the big American icecream brands... I have enough trouble being sensible with the German options!
 
I was still hungry and I want to run the dishwasher soon, so I just moved straight to meal #5: red lentil stew with a pollock fillet and enoki mushrooms, and a small bowl of frozen cherries for desser.
 
Plan for tomorrow morning:
- FIRST THING before even having coffee, leave a call request to the health center to check where my doctor's statement for my continued disability is traveling at (should have arrived to my pension provider last month but hasn't)
- check the price for the chairs at the Espoo and Tuusula store, and ask the Vantaa store for pics of the scratch to determine which one of the three reserved chairs I should un-reserve
- hit the gym after breakfast, return unfitting sports bras to post, keep phone at hand in case the health center calls back

That should cover it.

I'll have rye bread, ham, egg, and my two remaining button mushrooms now. I hope I'll fall asleep quickly. I forgot to mention that I contacted my phone operator and got my call, text message and data logs from Feb and March: they won't show received calls, but they will show calls I've made which is also helpful because I can disprove the asshole nurse's claim that I was out of control, calling and calling her to the point of harassment. And of course they'll show the durations of the calls, which will debunk one of the insane claims she made in her statement. I hate that I'm in the position where I have to think about stuff like this but at least I'm not powerless.

I haven't decided yet whether or not I'll go aqua jogging tomorrow evening. I still need to clock in 3 hours of aqua jogging and two gym visits this week if I want to stick to my baseline. Friday and Saturday will suck ass because I need to be driven around Southern Finland hunting for those chairs lol, and while the gym is open 24/7, the pool is not, so it would be smart to squeeze in as many hours of aqua jogging as early in the week as possible. I guess I answered my own question: if I can, I will go aqua jogging tomorrow evening.

I better eat now or I'll never get to go to sleep...!
 
Llama said:
That sounds like a full-on day! Also: document all of the center's fuckery for your documentary.
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Haven't gotten the camera yet and this thing is still too raw for me to write a script and film footage about, but there's already a big data trail, so If I ever actually make that mini documentary, I can back-track this whole nonsense. Of course I also need an angle to all this that makes it less about _me_ and more about how insane the trans clinic system is.

The missing doctor's statement is an unrelated thing, it sure gives me anxiety but I managed to call the health center and they'll send me the documents that I can then scan and send to the pension provider. I would sure love if something would, for once, work out without too much hassle...

I'm almost done with breakfast, it's a huge one so no wonder eating is slow. I think I've gotten a bit hooked to exercise. In this moment it seems like the only time when I feel at peace. My traps,triceps and biceps are starting to look impressive even though there's still a bit too much fat on top of them to my liking. Chest has also gotten broader and my upper back is getting more definition, too. Yesterday I tried on a pair of college hotpants for the summer and even though my stomach was in blimp mode yesterday, my legs look fine as hell and the increased muscle mass in my upper body balances out my fugly midsection.

I've been really good with consistency. In a way, exercise and eating a certain way has become my safe space. I have no control of what the sex nurse or the trans clinic doctors do. I may have to suffer for years to come if they decide to slap me with some kind of a diagnosis meant for "difficult patients". I may never get to transition. But I can control how much I move my body and what I eat. Building muscle isn't the same thing as medically transitioning, but it's the closest thing I can do as a home remedy; that, and wearing clothes that give me as little dysphoria as possible. Having a body that looks muscular and fit may also serve as a visual advertisement that "this person can't be too crazy if they keep this fit". So now I just need to keep the balance and not slide into an ED again.
 
GUESS WHAT GUYS? I just checked the criteria for getting a "special needs swimming card" which costs 55e/1 year, and it would seem that both me being autistic and having a depression diagnosis should be enough for me to get it. So, I just need to find a passport pic booth, get a pic taken, and once the missing statement I was talking about earlier arrives, I can go to the pool with that in hand and get to swim for a year for dirt cheap. I think it's wonderful that this system exists because exercise is so important for people living with mental illness, congenital disabilities, or physical illnesses (there's a long list of illnesses and disabilities that give the patient a right to this service. How strange that it isn't better known! This was the first time I learned I could apply for it).

Well, now I have something to look forward to and that's nice. If I get the card, I could go aqua jogging daily if I wanted to! Amazing!
 
OK breakfast is done, now I'll have a cup of coffee and hit the gym. Meal plan:

Meal #2: locker room porridge and a banana
Meal #3: red lentil stew with pollock fillet, oat matcha latte
Meal #4: soba noodles with gravlax and scallions, a small cup of mango for dessert
Meal #5: polenta with spinach, cheese, and a boiled egg
Meal #6: two Karelian pies with toppings, two snack salami, two walnuts, a handful of cherry tomatoes.

Tomorrow's breakfast needs to be something that's quick and easy to eat because I have therapy at 1PM so I can't use 1,5 hours to eat one meal. I'm thinking rye bread with gravlax, a boiled egg, banana slices + yogurt, nuts, and frozen fruit.

I'm out of salad and cottage cheese but I have other veg and protein at home so I don't absolutely have to go grocery shopping today. I'll see how I feel about that later.
 
Great news about the swimming ticket!

Paper trail was really what I meant with document but if you can talk to your phone camera for 2 minutes sometimes you might accidentally end up with some usable snippets to edit in later as well. No pressure if you're not there yet, of course.
 
Gym was good. Everything else is isn't. I just remembered what happened to the disability/pension application statement: it did arrive, and one of my assistance people said I won't need it, so I tossed it. This was right around the time when Sex Nurse had told me I'm too difficult to work with and I was still in shock from losing Nera and couldn't think properly. I trusted this assistance person to make the right call for me, but if it hadn't crossed my mind to check what's up with the statement, I would be penniless from July onwards.

I'm not saying that they are bad at their jobs or that this is their fault, not at all. I'm saying that I can't and shouldn't trust them to make the right decisions for me because that's just the truth in general. I have a blackboard in my hallway and I wrote on it a reminder to not listen to their advice in important things, not out of spite but because if I have to fail, I want to have myself to blame and not have to be disappointed in someone else who was supposed to help. The latter hurts much more. I hate being dependent on other people and yet, here I am, 34, disabled, too mentally ill to work or to participate in society in any meaningful way.

Having red lentil soup with pollock and prepping boiled eggs for later. Of course there was one egg that had broken in the carton and another broke in the kettle. How? I have no fucking clue, the thing was simmering very gently, and somehow it still popped. I always salt my egg boiling water to prevent the egg white from floating everywhere but messed up boiled eggs make me sad because I used to give those to Nera.

I'm so alone. I know this feeling is made worse by stress and uncertainty and perhaps also physical exertion. But the only time I feel halfway OK is when I'm on the move. So after I've eaten I'll go to the swimming pool and before that I'll eat the "Nera egg" and cry a bit. And have a matcha latte.
 
Thanks, @Llama . :grouphug:

Soooo I packed my shit and left for the pool. Before that I sent my regular assistance people a polite, but stern text message that I need to take a step back and re-evaluate my assistance requirements and my personal limits in our interactions. On my way I was hit by a torrent of rain and hale that soaked me - underwear and my gore-tex boots included. In it's own way the discomfort was a welcome feeling, because I had something else to focus on than feeling miserable about the insides of my head and my socioeconomic status.

I ended up aqua jogging for 1,5 hours and for the first hour or so I was just... Angry and frustrated and felt like I can't see any hopeful outcome for my situation. But during the last 30 mins my anxiety started to lift. My viscose pants were damp but my cotton hoodie was soaked, so I ended up walking home in my tanktop. It felt good, I prefer to be cold to being hot. I did get some weird stares because some folks are still using quilted jackets in May as the weather tends to be moody, but I didn't care.

At home I put the sauna on and had meals #4 and #6 at the same time, some of them while standing up, because I was ravenous from the exercise and walking back in the cold. I feel pretty much OK now. I'm too tired to worry about anything right now. And while I was aqua jogging, I came up with a non-verbal way I can start to use in my home (related to home decor, I don't want to go into details here because it sounds so childish) to communicate to the assistance people if I need space or if I need a more hands-on approach. Kind of a like "do not disturb" sign. They should be well versed in this kind of thing. (One would think that as someone who speaks as many languages as I do and is in general a very verbose chap I could just... Say what I need or want. But it doesn't always work that way. When I'm under enough stress, I just can't trust my ability to verbally communicate my needs.)

Anyway, I'll run the dishwasher now, go to the sauna, and pack tomorrow's breakfast and have that polenta and bowl of mango once I'm all toasty. Therapy tomorrow. Then chair hunting. And tomorrow is rest day from gym and the pool. I'll go have a walk with my neighbor and her dog, and my ex might pop by later.
 
Glad that the exercise soothed ypur brain a bit. It can be kind of magical sometimes.
Floater said:
One would think that as someone who speaks as many languages as I do and is in general a very verbose chap I could just... Say what I need or want. But it doesn't always work that way. When I'm under enough stress, I just can't trust my ability to verbally communicate my needs.
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A+ for resourcefulness, once again. My words get a bit stuck when I'm tired and it's super frustrating so I can almost imagine how bad it would be to have it happen under kinds of stress.
 
Floater, Does the blackboard note specifically mention the poor advice & the outcome if you hadn't checked up on it yourself? You are very articulate in writing & I'm sure you could get your message across. I would be very hurt if I read "a reminder to not listen to their advice in important things" Even though they make mistakes they still seem to be very much on your side.
You're hurting. We do all need to be responsible for our own outcomes & you seem to do a good job in my opinion. They are there to help you with what you want to do & I have heard you say how much moral support they give you. We all need help. It's not a weakness.
Sending you lots of love & a great big hug :grouphug:
I don't think I have written that very well, but I hope you get the gist of it. I think you are very articulate & have probably already conveyed to them why you feel as you do.
That's really good news about the swimming card. Aqua jogging is doing you so much good. I hope you have a better day tomorrow (my today) xo
 
Nah the text is just "don't take advice" and I can guarantee you that as autism professionals, they are used to much weirder things. I'm just sick of being the pedigree disabled and I'm worn out from well-meaning ableism. Did you know that sex nurse is from the same organisation as my assistance people? (PS even if someone was hurt by the blackboard, which they shouldn't be, it's kinda... Their issue. Even if they didn't encourage as much independence as possible, which they do, their professional position gives them no ground to demand me changes in home decor unless I have pests or hoard to the point of a fire hazard. Some pink writing on a blackboard isn't a cause for concern to them.) I just think it's kind of a big deal that I almost lost my only source of income. Maybe some people wouldn't be as bothered. Probably ones with assets and savings.
 
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Off to face another day despite the woeful fact that I'm a person with a whole range of thought and emotions, not just the ones that are deemed cutesy. I didn't pack breakfast yesterday so after I've had my coffee and brushed my teeth I think I'll have polenta, an egg, and gravlax. I have no idea what lunch is going to be because my fridge is almost empty.

EDIT great, I'm not going to get those chairs because an assistance person has gotten sick and my visit for today was cancelled at last minute. Well, that's it then. (To those not in the know: they were last pieces of a discontinued product, I would have gotten design chairs for insanely cheap, but apparently things just can't work out for me)
 
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I’m so sorry that I posted in here this morning as I feel that I added to your pain when I just didn’t mean to at all. I really am very sorry. I do mean well but should learn to just pull my head in.
 
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