Floater's diary

I aqua jogged for two hours and felt absolutely euphoric. Some lady asked me about my tattoos :ROFLMAO: She wasn't rude or anything, it was funny and I guess I was a bit flattered too. During the workout I kept mulling over the trans clinic situation but not in a catastrophizing way - my mind was hard at work preparing for the unpleasantness. I had my locker room porridge and now I'm having my fourth meal of the day, lentil stew with corn and cilantro. I'm keeping this meal light on purpose because today I plan to give a try to pasta with smoked mussels, and in case the mussels taste like a devil's backside, I want to be hungry enough to finish the meal nevertheless.

If the mussels work out for me, I'm going to start keeping a can of them in the cupboard because they are grown and harvested in Finland, they cost half of what tuna does, and they contain a whopping 24g of protein per 100g! The can has 120g of mussels and if I like the taste, I'll take some aside and try them in my breakfast salad tomorrow. I plan to serve the mussel pasta with sesame oil, cilantro, lime juice and black pepper. But first I'll demolish the lentil stew!
 
OK, I'm having that mussel pasta now and it's not bad. The only qualms I have about it are that mussels are FUGLY (I can't look at the portion as I'm eating lol) and the texture is otherwise OK but some have sand particles inside, and I even found a piece of shell. So in order to save my teeth I'm eating quite carefully.

Buuuut the whole huge portion (I used the whole can) with spices and lime and all cost me maybe 3 euros and it's good protein so I'm not complaining. And it's not bad, it's just a tad weird and the appearance of the mussels reminds me of a certain part of human anatomy that, when attached to a person, is quite delightful, but on a plate is just harrowing.

Speaking of which: a video essay of gay Catholic nuns popped up in my YT suggestions so I'm sharing it for all to enjoy.


EDIT: If I have money to splurge after taking care of my bills and rent and my grocery delivery, I guess I could buy frozen scallops next lol. They are expensive AF, 8 euros for 200g, but I have only had them once at a wedding and I really liked them and... Why not?
 
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Ok, hm, I'm REALLY anxious. I think I'll have a walk to the gas station and back (~4km) and maybe get fries and a soda, some fresh air at least. I think some deep worry is lodged in my body and needs to be shaken out

EDIT: I ate an egg, two Brazil nuts and 10 green olives, then walked to the gas station and bought kombucha and small fries. I enjoyed them both but the kombucha was especially satiating for some reason. It was kind of gross but also tasty? I obviously enjoy fermented things, hence my sauerkraut obsession, but I think I'll start buying kombucha as a treat every now and then!
 
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I had a cry about not getting to show Nera this beautiful spring. The nature is waking up, but Nera won't. I feel physically sick, probably from exhaustion. Rest should help I hope.

I packed tomorrow's breakfast: two rye bread sandwiches with gravlax + coriander, green salad + cucumber, green olives + sauerkraut, pumpkin seeds + cashews, and store-bought guac. Had a piece of cheese because I need to go lie down and the calcium in it will help protect my teeth a bit if I fall asleep without brushing them.
 
Floater said:
the texture is otherwise OK but some have sand particles inside, and I even found a piece of shell.
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This is why I don't eat mussels. I love all other shellfish but mussels are always sandy and I hate it. Only way they work for me is battered and fried to a crisp so my brain assumes all crunch comes from the crispy batter.
Floater said:
I had a cry about not getting to show Nera this beautiful spring.
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I understand what you're saying but you know you're showing it to her every time YOU go out and enjoy it.
 
I love pickled or smoked mussels & must have been fairly lucky not getting sandy ones.
Does someone near you have a dog who needs walking? I know that if I was working & didn't have the time to walk Arch I would be very grateful if someone else could, especially if it was for free. I really hope you can get a dog soon :grouphug:
 
I couldn't resist it and hopped on the scales before breakfast or drinking water, and I have dropped another kg. Which means -2kg in a bit over two weeks of eating six planned meals a day and abstaining from alcohol. I haven't banned any foods and I haven't had to go hungry, I have simply kept my mealtimes fairly regular and been mindful of getting plenty of veg and balanced macros but not counting anything!

Now I'll brush my teeth and have breakfast 🥰
 
CW: body talk/body image:
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I know this is going to sound insane coming from a trans guy, but I have noticed this before, too: whenever I start to lose weight, my tiddies inflate a bit, and it makes me panic, because being perceived as a woman I have been complimented about my honkers a lot and that creates this weird ambivalence between hating having them and simultaneously fearing they'll look "ugly". Which is double stupid because I have literally never seen a pair of ugly breasts - they come in all shapes and sizes and there's no ranking them when it comes to other people who have them.

Anyway. I showered and put on body lotion and checked my bod in the mirror and it was partially affirming, too: before breakfast I can see the very subtle but real slimming down around my upper waist. I'm one of those people that (pre-T at least lol) carries my weight in my hips and thighs, so by midsummer my stomach and waist will look quite different if I can keep this up, and I know I can.

And, even when I had that pang of dysphoria, I notice myself looking at my body differently now, it's a project, I look "under" the surface and think years in the future and I like what's waiting for me there. Now I'm laying down the foundations and it makes me very happy. This work is a reward of it's own!
 
I changed my bedsheets, wiped + washed the floors, cleaned up the kitchen, and did laundry. Lunch was light and simple: polenta with edamame, corn, Gochujang, coriander and feta cheese. I have some leftover polenta in the fridge for later. Dinner is going to be beluga lentil stew with a side of couscous, topped with coriander and lime, and a small bowl of mango and a small portion of dark chocolate for dessert.

I'm tired and lazy, but so very happy that tomorrow is gym day again! I think I'll have a high kcal breakfast and go to the gym as soon as I'm done with that to avoid the Sunday rush hours.

EDIT: I packed my breakfast (couscous+corn, green salad+ cucumber, cashews + sunflower seeds, olives + feta, and 100g of cottage cheese) and made the lentil stew. I had 100g of cottage cheese as an appetizer because my hands were shaking from hunger. I noticed that during cleaning up, I had broken off a branch from my beloved Schlumby! I salvaged it, broke the branch into 5 sections of two leaves each, and stuck them in a coffee cup full of dirt. Let's hope they take! Now I'm having lentil stew with couscous, not mind-blowing but not bad either. Would probably taste better with spaghetti and some cheese on top but I try to empty my fridge & freezer and only buy new stuff if absolutely needed, as I'll get a grocery delivery on Tuesday. Once I've eaten, I'll make myself a cup of tea and and enjoy my mango and chocolate!
 
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I didn't feel like leaving the apartment but needed something to do, so I did houseplant stuff: tossed scrawny elder plants and planted their cuttings. I always hate doing it at first, but both were really rootbound and will now grow much better and stronger from their cuttings!

Snack: cold oats with yogurt, sunflower seeds, pomegranate seeds, and a spoonful of sugar for sweetening. This is my meal #4 so basically I still need to eat twice today if I want to stick to the 6 meals a day routine. If memory serves, I only ate 5 times the last time I had a rest day but we'll see. I'll follow my hunger cues!
 
Did a bit more plant maintenance. Now having a snack: oat milk-soy protein-matcha latte and rye bread with guacamole, salad, and salt beef. (A great combo btw, I need to remake this one!!)

I'm very glad that I got inspired to do plant maintenance. Every time I do anything that's not just basic necessities and exercise, it makes me happy, because it means I have reserves left for things that are just enjoyable. And that's a necessity for any kind of artsy stuff too.

I'm a bit hungry still so I'll have spicy ramen with cheese and sauerkraut and a fried egg before going to sleep.
 
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Ooh- plant maintenance. It always makes me feel good to do that. I must go around mine today. Hope you sleep well :)
 
Floater said:
Every time I do anything that's not just basic necessities and exercise, it makes me happy, because it means I have reserves left for things that are just enjoyable. And that's a necessity for any kind of artsy stuff too.
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I like that. Aaand I should do some maintenance for my sole houseplant when I get back home.
 
Thanks @Cate and @Llama !

I didn't eat the ramen because I fell asleep 😂 So now it's coffee, breakfast, and gym. I'm in no hurry though, I want to give myself the Sunday luxury of waking up slowly and take in my clean, pretty home, thriving plants, and the joy of being back on track!
 
Gym was FANTASTIC. Yesterday's rest day definitely showed: I felt like I could keep going forever! And my low row results have jumped +10kg since the last time. I felt so good that I did a longer and more varied workout than usual, so if I'm unusually tired on Tuesday (my next gym day), that's why. I had my locker room porridge, spent my last euros to buy cottage cheese, bananas, frozen cherries, and parsley, walked home, and a now having a lunch of a banana and a bowl of polenta, beluga lentil stew, sweetcorn, and edamame.
 
Snack: 100g of cottage cheese and cold matcha with soy protein (I'm out of the yummy oat milk ;__; ).

Prepped tomorrow´s breakfast: a rye bread with guac, salad, and salt beef, mango+cherries+pomegranate seeds, one banana sliced, 100g of cottage cheese, and dark chocolate + cashews + sunflower seeds. Also prepped a bowl of cold oats (1dl oats, 300g of yogurt, pomegranate seeds, and a spoonful of sugar) that I'll have either today or tomorrow.
 
Yayyyy I finally got around to finding out how I can time payments in my e-bank - surprise surprise, it was easy AF, I had just been too nervous to try it out (peak autism). So now my bills and rent are all set in advance, although me being myself I still kept the bills just in case Something Terrible Happens and the payments fail to go through and I need to do it manually lol.

I need to eat. I feel like I've been to Jupiter to get more stupider and I'm all out of focus and executive functioning for today. Not a whole lot to choose from, so I'll have super spicy ramen with sauerkraut, edamame, cheese, and a fried egg, topped with parsley. I'll have a little bit of dark chocolate for dessert. I can't wait for it to be Tuesday so I can get my meds. I have one dose left for tomorrow and that's it.

DINNER TIME!
 
Meal #6 today is butter beans, salt beef cut into thin strips, cucumber, cold somen noodles, lime juice, sesame oil, parsley, and black pepper. I may need to eat something else too but we´ll see.

EDIT: yup, I'm having a banana because I feel lacking in carbs. Oh and I put butter beans to marinate in the fridge so I don't need to worry about getting enough protein tomorrow!
 
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That all sounded like it added up to a wonderful Sunday!
 
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