Floater's diary

BREAKFAST BREAKFAST BREAKFAST!! I felt like a king when I opened my treasure box of assorted protein/fats, carbs, and veggies. Eating may be a bit of a chore, but breakfast nowadays is like a gift from yetserday's me to today's me!

I had strange nightmares. I was at a fancy summer party in a pretty wooden villa in the Finnish archipelago, everyone was dressed in linen suits and summer dresses, I felt hideous and dysphoric. A fire broke out and everyone was blaiming me; I tried to find a way out but all the staircases were engulfed in flames. I grabbed a drink and waited for death upstairs, but eventually the fire died down. People blamed me and told me I'd never be able to pay my debt for destroying the villa, and I knew that while I wasn't to blame, these people who drove away in picture-perfect heterosexual pairs in their white, shiny muscle boats had such incredible wealth and power behind them that I had no hopes to ever be heard. I realized I would have to flee the country and change my identity or be imprisoned and face a lifetime of unpayable debt, so I found myself an abandoned kayak and started to paddle towards Norway (which, in the dream, shared an aquatic border with Finland - it actually does in lake Kilpisjärvi in Lapland, perhaps my subconscious still misses that place!).

Once in Norway, I was broke, hungry, cold, and defeated. These was a group of young women having a bachelorette party next door to my cheap motel room and I ended up talking to a couple of them. I didn't want to tell too much, but they realized I had no food and they gave me some, so I told them my plan was to walk into the fjelds and find myself a silver fox who could take care of me. They were puzzled but wished me luck; so off I went, with my heart heavier than my backpack, into the damp heaviness of the night.

While I'm not happy about how often the themes of survival sex/marital prostitution surface in my dreams, that's probably fallout from my childhood trauma and I guess there's no point in feeling ashamed about my own subconscious. I'm glad I live in Finland where I'm not forced into homelessness because of my disability, and that I have even had the chance to pursue a higher education. Disabled people do get married just to survive and are more vulnerable to abuse, even here, but even more so in countries that have no working healthcare system and welfare/disability systems.

Hmm. I guess the dream originates form the feelings of being wrongly judged and trapped in my body, and I hope my regular assistance person reads the first draft of the email I'll sent to sex nurse's boss soon, because I really need to get this stuff sorted out ASAP. But for now, all I can do is to eat right and exercise. So that's what I'll do.

EDIT: I've been bitching a lot about how swollen my gut is from my improved diet, but there is a true silver lining which I'll put in as a spoiler:

I may be gassy and in some occasional pain, but I eat so much fruit and veg that I practically wouldn't need toilet paper. As I have IBS, my gut is never completely happy, but I do prefer this to many other, uh, options that the food I eat could exit my system lol.
 
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Aqua jogged for 2hrs, swam a lap, had my locker room porridge, got home, and am now having late lunch: a banana and a bowl of lentil stew with basil, corn, and a fried egg on top.

I got spooked in the sauna when I noticed a lump between my calf and my ankle. Closer inspection revealed that I had another such lump on the other leg - I'm gaining muscle in places I didn't know COULD gain muscle lol :D :D

Oh, and I'm out of deodorant. Both my gym deo and my home deo ran out simultaneously. I gotta remember to buy more!
 
Floater said:
I got spooked in the sauna when I noticed a lump between my calf and my ankle. Closer inspection revealed that I had another such lump on the other leg - I'm gaining muscle in places I didn't know COULD gain muscle lol :D :D
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Best kind of lump by far. Great work!
 
I had so much fun with my friend. We haven't seen each other since the pandemic started, but we used to be close and I'm glad to see that that hasn't changed. Her family background is traumatic too, and we have found healing and even humor in sharing war stories and supporting each other. I was glad to see that she's well. She recently bought and apartment with her partner - he's a great guy, but was too busy with work to be able to make it today - and career-wise is doing very well, too. She was kind enough to provide the snacks - grapes, blueberries, raspberries, Karelian pies, cashew nuts, and dark chocolate - and I provided tea and coffee. I feel kind of ashamed sometimes that my friends buy me food when they come to visit, but rationally I know it's not a dent in her wallet and today's leftovers are my breakfast for tomorrow.

Speaking of which: tomorrow's bento breakfast consists of: a Karelian pie with marg, cashew nuts, two Brazil nuts, and 6 snack salami; green salad with basil leaves; tomato and sauerkraut; green grapes; and crumbled feta cheese.

During the visit I snacked on grapes and berries, some cashews, and had two Karelian pies with marg and ham. I plan to have a small bowl of grapes, pomegranate seeds, and banana slices as a snack soon-ish, and a warm meal before I go to bed. That would make a total of 6 meals today. I'm suuuuuper tired, I think I'll lie down for a minute. It's nuts how much social interaction takes out of me even when I'm enjoying myself. Well, not that nuts considering that I'm autistic but you know. :D
 
I had my banana-grape-pomegranate bowl, and now I'm having my last meal of today: a bowl of polenta with canned asparagus, mixed beans, cheese, and marg. Tastes great and I'm glad I found a use for the canned asparagus I bought on a whim some time ago. I have half a jar of asparagus left for later, and put half a tetra of beans to marinate so I can have them cold or in a warm dish.

I'm so god damn tired but in a good way. I can't wait to get to brush my teeth and pass out :sleep:

EDIT: once again, I was struck out of nowhere with the nicest, calmest feeling. I'm HAPPY. Despite all the shit that has been going on in my life recently, sadness, loss, bureaucratic nonsense, I'm happy about who I am and proud about how I got here. It seems that the depression that's been accompanying me since 2019 is starting to lose it's hold, and of course I have been working for a long time to make it lose it's hold, and now the results are starting to cascade. Feels good.
 
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Having such good friends is an absolute joy. Yay for muscles that you didn't know you could get & a triple yay for lifting yourself out of depression. You have done an amazing job & deserve to be very proud of the hard work you have put in to get where you are now. No wonder you have such lovely friends :beating:
 
I just finished breakfast, now I'll pack my gym gear and my post workout porridge, assistance will be here soon and I'll ask her to give me a lift to the gym. I have pretty intense DOMS, so I'll be careful at the gym and keep things light. I plan to go aqua jogging tomorrow, and Saturday is going to be a rest day.
 
Had a rye bread + a fried egg before gym. My muscles tired quicker than usual but that's normal, I'm towards the end of my workout "cycle". Had my porridge, now I'll pop by the church and walk home!
 
Bought matcha powder and a 150ml bottle of M-150 (a noncarbonated Thai energy drink that has 75 kcal per bottle and an insane amount of caffeine) from an Asian grocery on my way home. It started to rain, and I was dog-tired. Picked up another jacket to try on (didn't fit at all) and my package of Korean snail mucus cream. Got home, made lentil stew, showered, and am now having a lovely bowl of lentil stew and and oatmilk matcha latte with soy protein isolate and maple syrup. I'll have two red bean mochi and two pieces of dark chocolate for dessert. I don't necessarily feel like eating sweets, but I don't want them to go to waste and the mochi are already getting a bit hard.

I'm glad that tomorrow is aqua jogging day, and that the day after is rest day. I'm feeling strangely excited about getting to go on the scale on Sunday and Monday. I think I need to be mindful to not attach too much emotion and expectations to the number on the scale.
 
Making dinner: spaghetti with gravlax, marinated beans, chopped cashews, and fresh basil. Feels weird to eat so soon after my last meal, but I'm hungry, and if I don't eat my 5th meal of the day now, my last waking hours are going to be pretty "crowded" with meals.
 
Ouch, my stomach hurts. Had to lie down and weather it, I also made myself a coffee in the hopes that it will get things... Running again. Dishwasher just finished, I don't really need to do anything today except to empty the dishwasher, pack tomorrow's breakfast, and make myself a bowl of polenta with beans, asparagus, and cheese before I go to sleep. I'll have a bowl of mango too.

I found a funny sketch show on YT. It's an Australian mock cooking show, "The Katering". It's just what I need right now, because my brain is fried from exhaustion :D

 
I switched things up a little bit: my last meal of the day was a bowl of thawed mango for a starter, and polenta with sauerkraut, asparagus, olives, cheese, basil, and a soft-boiled egg. The polenta turned out perfectly silky, and the portion was both tasty and very satiating!

Breakfast is rye bread with marg and feta, cashews, sunflower seeds, two red bean mochi, and two Brazil nuts; green salad, tomato and mozzarella; olives; marinated beans; and two marinated soft-boiled eggs. I plan to go aqua jogging around noon, so I want to have a high kcal breakfast and a light snack for lunch. I'll take mango and pineapple to thaw in the fridge, and I think I'll have an oat milk + soy protein matcha latte with the fruit for lunch. It was very tasty. I don't really buy milk, plant or animal-based, but now that my friend left me a carton of oat milk, it's nice to enjoy it for a change.

I had a moment of anxiety earlier this evening, and I can definitely tell that after aqua jogging tomorrow I need to have a rest day. But I do like having this structure and routine in my life. I feel less like a waste of air when I'm at least taking care of myself, even when I need to rest a lot more than a healthy person would.
 
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Floater said:
I found a funny sketch show on YT. It's an Australian mock cooking show, "The Katering". It's just what I need right now, because my brain is fried from exhaustion :D
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They are so funny!
I'm planning a day at home tomorrow as I know I'll need it after going to my friend's funeral today. It's not being a waste of air, it's knowing ourselves & taking care of ourselves. That is oh so important.
 
Cate said:
They are so funny!
I'm planning a day at home tomorrow as I know I'll need it after going to my friend's funeral today. It's not being a waste of air, it's knowing ourselves & taking care of ourselves. That is oh so important.
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Sending you my best wishes in these sorrowful times. 💐
 
Hmm, woke up after 4-ish hours of sleep. I'll try to go back to sleep but if I can't, I'll take it easy in the pool.
 
Yup, can't sleep so I had a cup of coffee and started emptying my bento breakfast despite feeling nauseous. Eating seems to help a bit. I just finished the carbs - rye bread with feta and two mochi - and will now take my meds and move on to the vegs and proteins. I may not start today well rested, but at least I'll be well fed.

EDIT it's 9AM now, and I just finished breakfast and am making myself another cup of coffee. I'll try to snooze for a bit after that.
 
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Food is good for so many things: even if it's "just" telling ourselves: "You matter and I care."
 
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