Floater
Well-known member
Exactly!
Floater's diary
- Thread starter Floater
- Start date
Cate
Long term member
Would you like this added to your signature for a while?
I hope you find some happiness & hope over Easter
Floater
Well-known member
That's a great idea, Cate, THANK YOU!! Can you put a timer in it? Say, for a month?Would you like this added to your signature for a while?
I hope you find some happiness & hope over Easter
*hug*
Happy Easter to you too <3 I'll do my best to focus my mind onto hope
Floater
Well-known member
I got a decent nap. Lunch: instant ramen with spinach, bok choy, corn, and cheese. I'm turning into Nikocado Avocado with my ramen obsession lol
EDIT: had mango and pineapple for dessert and put two pollock fillets in the fridge to thaw. I can't remember when I last cooked with pollock or if I ever have, but I'm planning a miso broth soup with onion, finely chopped potatoes, spinach, and plenty of chili paste. I don't think it'll get any better in the fridge so I'll aim at one portion. Oh and I'll take out frozen cherries to thaw for dessert.
I am officially in love with frozen fruit. It's just so much more convenient for my ADHD ass brain, there's no waste, no chopping, and they are cheaper than fresh ones. Having a small bowl of frozen fruit for dessert with each warm meal is such a great way to increase my veg+fruit quota, as I use a lot of veg in cooking anyway. And for a snack/light meal, yesterday I had a bowl of thawed green peas with a spoonful of sesame oil and a handful of sunflower seeds. The oil and seeds add some caloric fuel, good fats, fibre, taste, and crunch and I'll definitely do that again!
EDIT: had mango and pineapple for dessert and put two pollock fillets in the fridge to thaw. I can't remember when I last cooked with pollock or if I ever have, but I'm planning a miso broth soup with onion, finely chopped potatoes, spinach, and plenty of chili paste. I don't think it'll get any better in the fridge so I'll aim at one portion. Oh and I'll take out frozen cherries to thaw for dessert.
I am officially in love with frozen fruit. It's just so much more convenient for my ADHD ass brain, there's no waste, no chopping, and they are cheaper than fresh ones. Having a small bowl of frozen fruit for dessert with each warm meal is such a great way to increase my veg+fruit quota, as I use a lot of veg in cooking anyway. And for a snack/light meal, yesterday I had a bowl of thawed green peas with a spoonful of sesame oil and a handful of sunflower seeds. The oil and seeds add some caloric fuel, good fats, fibre, taste, and crunch and I'll definitely do that again!
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Floater
Well-known member
I aquajogged for two hours and devised a plan how to not only proceed with the Nurse Ratched from Wish, but make sure her unprofessional conduct and vindictiveness will be documented well enough that it will help my fellow autistic trans siblings, should she keep up her routine. It's just so plain obvious that she aimed to make me sound completely unreliable and unhinged, so that should I ever try to do anything about it, I'd be ears deep in shit.
But she made a mistake because I'm not alone. And as my Wordpress payment just went through, I like to think that I'm actually exactly where I need to be, and this struggle carries a wider meaning. I have the education and the tools to do something about this, and that's what I will do.
PS my hand is really numb and it's frustrating, I've been so anxious that I've been curled up into a ball with all muscles spasmed, so I guess it's pass on it's own now that I'm back to my usual routine.
But she made a mistake because I'm not alone. And as my Wordpress payment just went through, I like to think that I'm actually exactly where I need to be, and this struggle carries a wider meaning. I have the education and the tools to do something about this, and that's what I will do.
PS my hand is really numb and it's frustrating, I've been so anxious that I've been curled up into a ball with all muscles spasmed, so I guess it's pass on it's own now that I'm back to my usual routine.
Floater
Well-known member
My second day being a tardigrade has been great so far. Seriously. I feel like a new man!
I bought coconut cream and yellow curry paste and some other knick-knacks on my way home because I thought that miso broth might be too mild for the pollock, and it turned out great. I'll definitely start keeping frozen pollock fillets (haha a tongue twister) as a staple. I had a little bit of chocolate M&Ms for dessert. I'm running the laundry machine and watching "Our Flag Means Death" while sipping tea and laughing my head off I HIGHLY recommend the series, it's fantastic!
I bought coconut cream and yellow curry paste and some other knick-knacks on my way home because I thought that miso broth might be too mild for the pollock, and it turned out great. I'll definitely start keeping frozen pollock fillets (haha a tongue twister) as a staple. I had a little bit of chocolate M&Ms for dessert. I'm running the laundry machine and watching "Our Flag Means Death" while sipping tea and laughing my head off I HIGHLY recommend the series, it's fantastic!
Floater
Well-known member
Ughhh I had an ugly cry when I went to fetch my old recorder from the storage and remembered how I got rid of a LOT of my stuff back in 2020 when I had that mental breakdown. Most of it was stuff I didn't need, but the tossed items I will probably miss forever are my old Uni notebooks. They were BEAUTIFUL, I have a very neat handwriting and I liked to sketch while listening to lectures. All were different color Moleskines, I love their texture. They were works of art, like a monk's manuscripts.
I remember being on the floor on my knees, bawling while hugging a pile of them, whining out loud that I don't want to throw them out, but having this stern and cruel inner voice explain to me that I will never grow up if I don't. (I know; mental illness can be dramatic.) I also remember the steely determination and the complete change in my body when I, in that moment, simply stood up holding the books, walked out in my flip flops, and like a robot tossed them in the garbage. I remember staring at their colorful covers in horror, knowing there was no way ever I could wish them out, they were gone in a flick of a wrist. Six years, just like so, with my Uni diploma too. It was horrifying.
Luckily, I ordered a copy of the diploma. Sadly, it doesn't have all the courses like the original, but it's legal and has my grades etc on it, all excellent of course, because studying is the one thing I'm really really good at. Thinking back now I realize that changing my gender marker would have led to the exact same result anyway: having to order a copy with my personal details fixed.
Fuck, revisiting that memory was painful. I don't think I grew at all by tossing them out. But the information and the experiences I had during my six years in Uni isn't in those notebooks either. I still miss them occasionally, sometimes viscerally. Autistics are known to sometimes get very attached to certain items, and those notebooks were very special to me.
I would like to say that I'm not furious at myself for destroying something that I was so proud of (or rather, proud of what they represented). Uni was the first place where I felt I truly belonged, where I felt competent and happy, even when I struggled with social norms and sensory stimuli. I LOVE learning. So why did I destroy something that represented that hard work and that love? I did it because I was insane and not in the driver's seat. And it makes me feel dirty and broken and ashamed. I am furious at myself.
But even in the hospital I kept creating. Wrote magnet poems in the rec room, drew, some of the stuff I still have and oh man it's good. I bought a good notebook and quality drawing pens and drew some of my best drawings ever, detailed and crisp even when I was drawing on my hospital bed. When I got home, I lost that ability. I haven't drawn a thing since 2020. But I have a sense that something is swelling in me, ideas rush to my head. I can't replace the lost things but I can create new stuff. I can fill my empty cupboards with sketchbooks, I can finish that novel, and what brought this powerful need to the surface again is the inhumane and ridiculous way that Nurse Ratched from Wish is trying to fuck up my whole life and all I've overcome. Ughh I sound like a theater kid don't I?
I remember being on the floor on my knees, bawling while hugging a pile of them, whining out loud that I don't want to throw them out, but having this stern and cruel inner voice explain to me that I will never grow up if I don't. (I know; mental illness can be dramatic.) I also remember the steely determination and the complete change in my body when I, in that moment, simply stood up holding the books, walked out in my flip flops, and like a robot tossed them in the garbage. I remember staring at their colorful covers in horror, knowing there was no way ever I could wish them out, they were gone in a flick of a wrist. Six years, just like so, with my Uni diploma too. It was horrifying.
Luckily, I ordered a copy of the diploma. Sadly, it doesn't have all the courses like the original, but it's legal and has my grades etc on it, all excellent of course, because studying is the one thing I'm really really good at. Thinking back now I realize that changing my gender marker would have led to the exact same result anyway: having to order a copy with my personal details fixed.
Fuck, revisiting that memory was painful. I don't think I grew at all by tossing them out. But the information and the experiences I had during my six years in Uni isn't in those notebooks either. I still miss them occasionally, sometimes viscerally. Autistics are known to sometimes get very attached to certain items, and those notebooks were very special to me.
I would like to say that I'm not furious at myself for destroying something that I was so proud of (or rather, proud of what they represented). Uni was the first place where I felt I truly belonged, where I felt competent and happy, even when I struggled with social norms and sensory stimuli. I LOVE learning. So why did I destroy something that represented that hard work and that love? I did it because I was insane and not in the driver's seat. And it makes me feel dirty and broken and ashamed. I am furious at myself.
But even in the hospital I kept creating. Wrote magnet poems in the rec room, drew, some of the stuff I still have and oh man it's good. I bought a good notebook and quality drawing pens and drew some of my best drawings ever, detailed and crisp even when I was drawing on my hospital bed. When I got home, I lost that ability. I haven't drawn a thing since 2020. But I have a sense that something is swelling in me, ideas rush to my head. I can't replace the lost things but I can create new stuff. I can fill my empty cupboards with sketchbooks, I can finish that novel, and what brought this powerful need to the surface again is the inhumane and ridiculous way that Nurse Ratched from Wish is trying to fuck up my whole life and all I've overcome. Ughh I sound like a theater kid don't I?
Floater
Well-known member
I had somen noodles with soy sauce and 1dl of cherries as a snack. Took out rye bread to thaw and boiled four eggs for later because I can tell I'll feel ravenous later tonight. I'm REALLY liking today food-wise! Oh and I could have some sauerkraut too, I have 4 1/2 packages of it in the fridge so I'm not going to run out anytime soon. 
Taking that injustice and turning it into a positive for those who follow in your footsteps would be the best way to disprove her nonsense, I think, both to yourself and to others.
Do you have exercises you can do to loosen up your shoulders/arms/hands?
The experience of having made the other things is still inside you, too, so it's not truly gone.Enjoy your food!
Floater
Well-known member
Thank you <3 .
The aqua jogging helped for a bit but I think the best way to get the numbness out is to try to relax and not think too much about it, as the tension is my body's reaction to the recent stress.
Cate
Long term member
Go, you!!! You sound like a man with a plan
I also love that you are making sure you eat well & being prepared for the days where you struggle.
Floater
Well-known member
I have to say (not that this is a huge lightbulb moment) but taking my meds and having taken a break from alcohol for a while now really does help me handle the stress I'm going through. While it's true that I cry quite a bit, it's a healthy way of releasing stress. I think the way I'm holding myself together right now speaks a lot of my mental resilience.
Absolutely.
Floater
Well-known member
The autism assistance folks who visit me also work at a live-in center where I've been to a couple of times, and today there was a puppy there who might be trained as an assistance dog later if she grows up to have the right character for that work. She was adorable - a golden retriever with kind eyes and very sharp teeth. I got home a while ago and am having miso soup with sauerkraut and wakame for a snack, and I'll have 200g of cottage cheese once I'm done with it. I'll go either to the gym or aqua jogging tomorrow depending on my mood. My friend is coming for a visit in 30 mins or so
EDIT I also had a small portion of M&Ms with a nice cup of mate.
EDIT I also had a small portion of M&Ms with a nice cup of mate.
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