Floater's diary

I guess it's at least possible that he does share that kind of information with his other male friends and he was just drunk and unthinking. Or he could be trying to prove whatever people try to prove by oversharing in an assholish way. Either way I'm sorry it happened :grouphug:
 
Llama said:
I guess it's at least possible that he does share that kind of information with his other male friends and he was just drunk and unthinking. Or he could be trying to prove whatever people try to prove by oversharing in an assholish way. Either way I'm sorry it happened :grouphug:
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You are most likely right. I actually had a discussion with him today and he was honestly shocked that I took it in a bad way, and was very sorry. We ended up having a really nice talk that gave me hope about my future: because if something as painful as ending a long relationship can still be between two people sharing vulnerability and being honest, hope for the future can not be lost.

Today has been good! The sun is shining, in two hours I'll go to the friends' engagement party, I ate sushi for breakfast. And I do have a strong feeling of appreciation towards my ex after our talk. It's not for nothing that I loved him for six years, and now feel a different sense of appreciation towards him.
 
I didn't go to the party. Social anxiety got the better of me. I cried at home instead. Right now I feel worthless.
 
I'm sorry that you have had a rough weekend & I really hope you feel a little better this week. Social anxiety does suck xoxo
 
Thank you @Llama and @Cate . I'm still wiped out but this will pass. My mind is frayed like an old t-shirt but my body is somehow still going strong. Maybe it's necessary right now to see myself mortal but unkillable and just roll with the punches until I get to a better space mentally.

My goal today is to make instant ramen with cheese because I need a warm meal, no matter what it is. I've been so anxious that I vomited yesterday... And had nosebleeds from dehydration. I know I sound pathetic. Missing Nera truly gets under my skin.
 
Your body is strong and trying to take care of you and I hope you can manage to care for it as well today. Ramen with cheese is much better than nothing!
 
I had two long walks today. Only solid food I've eaten were half a taquito, a hot dog, and a bit of potato chips. I HATE THIS. I hate my body just refusing to take in what I need would benefit it/us (because on days like these I feel separated from my body).

But. The goal has to be fixing things even if the steps towards are tiny. So I will put the oven on, bake some potatoes, it will give me time to prepare for the act of eating solids. Potatoes are safe and I'll smell them as they cook. Hm, I truly need that microwave (ordered, not delivered), as the smell of food being heated often helps with my eating issues. Not always, but often.

I did meet my ex MIL by accident and we had a nice talk. Also met a Portuguese water dog who the owner said is usually shy, but she pressed against me with glee and I truly appreciated her kind presence and curly fur. There IS a way out of this garbage.
 
I ATE A WARM MEAL!! A hotdog, potatoes, roasted aubergine, and cheese. I did not enjoy eating it but I do like the satiety. I also had a mini iceberg lettuce and I think I'll have another. Chewing on one might help my brain remember how to eat. I'm not cold anymore and I think I'll sleep OK tonight.

Edit: the other lettuce was spoiled, so... But the half of an aubergine still counts as a veg. Right now I'm just so happy that I ate solids. The warmth in my body feels insanely good. I need to remember this feeling.
 
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I could just see you with that big curly dog nestling into you. There is a way forward for you & I see that being with a new dog. It has to happen! Well done getting that warm meal into you :)
 
Cate said:
I could just see you with that big curly dog nestling into you. There is a way forward for you & I see that being with a new dog.
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*a thousand hugs*

You know what was especially funny and affirming? Even though my face and body, height, voice, hairline, lack of facial hair etc are all "feminine", the owner of the curly darling told me the dog doesn't usually like "men or women", which especially in Finnish is an unusual choice of words as we don't have gendered pronouns, only "hän" for humans and "se" for animals. The only thing I can think of is that weight training has broadened my shoulders a lot, my gait is now more relaxed/wide, and my clothing choices may make me look more masc too, especially in low light conditions. But the owner was very nice, she didn't say it as an insult. And the dog just drank up the pets and attention. I feel less hopeless even if strangers and their dogs see that I'm not cisgender and they still accept me. (Especially as Finns are usually pretty withdrawn and sulky.)
 
Llama said:
Wherever you were I'm glad you came back. Hope you enjoyed your bible study.
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Bible study was great! I was just stuck at home, stuck in bed. But the bible study gave me a reason to eat (bread and ham, a little bit of potatoes, a bit of aubergine) and brush my teeth and afterwards I went for a walk and finally hung the load of laundry I've been washing and failing to hang again and again for three days now.

I have noticed that Christian holidays often make me into a space cadet. Very ironic for a Christian who finds great joy in my explorations around faith. Very ironic that my past religious/family trauma is now used as a reason why I'm not fit to transition. But that's why Bible study was so good today. Unjust things happen, it doesn't mean we deserve them.

Thanks Llama 💐
 
I'm glad that you are back in our land & that your bible study is good for you. Unjust things do happen, but you certainly don't deserve them :grouphug:
 
Today I had a gross instant mac&cheese for breakfast, but it gave me enough energy to make polenta with spinach and boil some eggs.
 
Shame about the first part but it clearly led to something better and that's what matters.
 
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