Floater's diary

I'm starting to climb up from the pit but that comes with the excruciating realization HOW fucked I truly am based on the statement the nurse wrote about me. Anything I have achieved is removed from it. It stops in the time before I moved from home and when my life started to get better. My interests regarding certain fictional characters I found reliable has been put on the forefront (which is a classic way to deny autistics from transitioning, as we are thought to be impressible and unable to distinguish between fact and fiction. When I told the nurse I used to pee my skirt in kindergarten to get to change to trousers, but soon realized I could just wet it in the sink instead, the latter portion has been removed, I guess to make me look more unhinged. Nowhere is it stated that I am academically gifted. A job I had for five years has been changed to a "job experiment". I sound like Chris-Chan. Oh, and the text message I sent her is described as me giving her "rules", which technically is a word I used, but in Finnish the connotations are colloquially used as "playbook". My intention was to make talking about traumatic events with her less stressful, which is a very common tactic both in working with autistics. Now she made me sound an unhinged asshole.

All this combined with the fact that during the first interview she told me she thinks I'm high functioning (I hate the distinction btw, it's dated) and that I am allowed to send her text messages, that the second interview went exactly as well as it could considering I had to unravel some extremely traumatic and one life-threatening experience to her, and that in the third interview she just told me she'll drop me out without any warning beforehand, which is an incredibly insane thing to do for someone who WORKS WITH AUTISTICS, and I still didn't flip out, I think she planned to punish me from the start. Which I will obviously never tell to the psych because it makes me sound even ore crazy. But the whole thing and the things she said during the last session, like the "I've had over 300 patients and I have never had to do this" and smiling while saying "she just doesn't want to trigger me" and that it's "unfair for us both" makes me think my gut feeling was right from the start and I really met a vindictive, narcissistic power-tripper. The way she twisted my words and says my emotional states are quickly fluctuating and that I'm "uncontrollably triggered", just, fuck that flim-flam salesman.

Mind you, this person is the same person who is not only the only interviewer for autistic trans folks, but also was devicing this system. She's been doing this for a couple of years, and autistic trans folks got to transition just fine before her. I bet she punished me for seeing through her shit. Which, again, is not going to be something I'll say at the trans clinic, because I would sound insane, but this thing is fucking dystopian.

I honestly think I destroyed my only chance to transition. I'm stuck being a meat cyborg forever, man inside, woman on the outside.

How ironic that I mentioned dreaming about doing a voice drop reading of "The Second Coming?"

"Troubles my sight: somewhere in sands of the desert
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds. "

I think that's far as I'll get to go; there will be no hour coming, no slouching towards Betlehem to be born. I'll be stuck at the lion body and the head of the man-portion.
 
I think that woman was a horrible person and I suggest you show her assessment to your assistance crew to see if they might be able to advocate for you. It's pretty clear she wants you to be voiceless and so I suggest you mobilize the people whose job it is to support you, maybe even by being your voice. The more demonstrably false shit she's got in there the better, in this case. Did you save your text messages to her?

Most of all: I understand that her report is a gut punch but now is not forever and forever is a load of crap: the world is changing fast where trans rights are concerned and Finland WILL follow. Sometimes all it takes is one scandal to bring cleansing light to the moldy darkness or even just one obstructionist retiring to bring the whole house of cards down. Keep whittling away at their defenses. Even if they do deny you the healthcare you deserve right now everything will be different in 5 years.
 
Llama said:
Most of all: I understand that her report is a gut punch but now is not forever and forever is a load of crap: the world is changing fast where trans rights are concerned and Finland WILL follow. Sometimes all it takes is one scandal to bring cleansing light to the moldy darkness or even just one obstructionist retiring to bring the whole house of cards down. Keep whittling away at their defenses. Even if they do deny you the healthcare you deserve right now everything will be different in 5 years.
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I saved and screenshot the messages, and will send a revised version of the statement to the healthcare system where it will be mandatory to note and archive. The nurse attached a post-it note to the papers instructing me to do so, and did the same in the text message, basically noting her own sloppiness. And my lovely assistance people are doing what they can to reach the trans clinic doctor.

It's a tragedy of course that the nurse and two of the trans clinic doctors, one of whom runs the place and one of whom is my personal doctor. So they will have a very tight collegial bond. I can only hope that the laws will change ASAP.
 
The worst thing is that this has strongly reactivated my memories of getting a false BPD diagnosis at 19 and I'm scared to death that they'll use that against me despite the fact it's been debunked. It made my life really hard for a long time.
 
Llama said:
I think that woman was a horrible person and I suggest you show her assessment to your assistance crew to see if they might be able to advocate for you. It's pretty clear she wants you to be voiceless and so I suggest you mobilize the people whose job it is to support you, maybe even by being your voice. The more demonstrably false shit she's got in there the better, in this case. Did you save your text messages to her?

Most of all: I understand that her report is a gut punch but now is not forever and forever is a load of crap: the world is changing fast where trans rights are concerned and Finland WILL follow. Sometimes all it takes is one scandal to bring cleansing light to the moldy darkness or even just one obstructionist retiring to bring the whole house of cards down. Keep whittling away at their defenses. Even if they do deny you the healthcare you deserve right now everything will be different in 5 years.
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I agree with all of this.
Floater said:
I'm stuck being a meat cyborg forever....
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& this my friend is not true. You are a very smart & kind person, not a monstrous being :grouphug:
 
Cate said:
I agree with all of this.

& this my friend is not true. You are a very smart & kind person, not a monstrous being :grouphug:
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Thanks! But I actually meant the cyborg/monster imagery in a coping-sense way. Kind of like reclaiming how I feel about the system viewing me as faulty and monstrous. But monstrous things aren't necessarily gross or cruel, they can be powerful and interesting!
 
Floater said:
Thanks! But I actually meant the cyborg/monster imagery in a coping-sense way. Kind of like reclaiming how I feel about the system viewing me as faulty and monstrous. But monstrous things aren't necessarily gross or cruel, they can be powerful and interesting!
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I misconstrued that image then :blush5: I'm glad.
 
Well, you're definitely powerful and interesting as well as misunderstood by this outdated part of your healthcare system. Reminds me of the orc in Pratchett's Unseen Academicals.

Edit: This is not a wholehearted recommendation of that book. It's the first one where you can feel him losing threads and his assistant either isn't picking them up or not doing so well enough.
 
Llama said:
Well, you're definitely powerful and interesting as well as misunderstood by this outdated part of your healthcare system. Reminds me of the orc in Pratchett's Unseen Academicals.
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I'm so heartbroken about how sir Pratchett met his end. But he had an incredible life. And thanks *feeling flattered*

Last night was so bad!! I was shaking and sweating in bed, fearing that everything will go to hell. I kept having flashbacks to being misunderstood and vilified when I was young and really traumatized. And one of the forms of abuse of power is the one done on the false pretense of help and worry. I WAS infantilized by the nurse and punished for speaking up, so it's infuriating that in the statement it's all just brushed over as "trauma activation" and me "feeling unsafe". I guess that girls are gonna get gaslit by psych folks even if they are boys. But I calmed down eventually and slept decently.

EDIT: I decided I'll spend today cleaning up, so the apartment will be pretty for Easter. But first, another cup of coffee!
 
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Had 200dl of Turkish yogurt and my meds for breakfast and started cleaning. Floors are vacuumed, wiped and washed now, I'll have tea and a carbsy lunch (I'm thinking instant ramen with fresh bok choy), and then attack the bathroom (EDIT: by cleaning it, not the gross way lol). I love love LOVE how my home smells now.
 
:grouphug: That woman should be hiding in her basement in shame for treating you that way when her job is to help. But I'm so glad you're managing to care for yourself and your surroundings even now: I hope you know that's something to be proud of given all that's happened.
 
Llama said:
:grouphug: That woman should be hiding in her basement in shame for treating you that way when her job is to help. But I'm so glad you're managing to care for yourself and your surroundings even now: I hope you know that's something to be proud of given all that's happened.
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Thank you. I feel myself going into tardigrade mode: what I need over the next months is to keep myself as calm and as rational and as well-rested as possible. I WILL have moments of panic and flashbacks. But there are no issues that can't be worked around.

For now, I can think of two worst-case scenarios: being told I need to get re-evaluated for BPD and sent to a psych clinic for that, or having them do that in-house. In both cases I can make a good case for myself, because I'm fully aware that I don't fit the diagnostic criteria. After my misdiagnosis at 19 I have been evaluated for so many times and declared free of it that there's no way they can slap that onto me. They MAY try to pressure me into reacting strongly about it but I'll just keep my cool. And however the nurse paints my behavior, it's in the diagnostic manual that acute bereavement or trauma are counter diagnostic factors. The autism assistance people have monitored my behavior 5x a week for two years now and can help me with this, too.

In any case, the best way forward now is to keep my cool. The facts are on my side.

I set a tardigrade counter of 120 days in my computer toolbar. If I can stick to thinking these thoughts and acting accordingly for 120 days, that should cover the time by which I have met the trans clinic doctor, or I will at least be very close. And then I'll know more about going forward with the whole shebang.
 
Two fried fish fillets, sauerkraut and couscous for dinner.

I cry between bites. Got the whole house clean but I'm just so scared about my future. It's a visceral fear to be judged in a way that I kind of can see where it's coming from and I start to doubt myself.
 
Phew the sun is finally setting. On bad anxiety days it usually helps me. I also called a helpline - a Christian one this time - and cried and chewed the fat about my current situation. I'll go for a walk soon. I think I'll have green peas and rye bread with cheese for a snack.
 
For what it's worth I think it's normal to worry about what might be heading your way. Not helpful, but very human :grouphug:
 
Llama said:
For what it's worth I think it's normal to worry about what might be heading your way. Not helpful, but very human :grouphug:
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:grouphug:

I forgot about that snack but finally took the peas and bread and some mango out to thaw. I have two boiled eggs in the fridge and I'll have them as well, but I was so out of it yesterday when I was boiling them that I forgot to put the lid on and they are liquid on one side. Luckily I'm a very hungry hippo.

I haven't left my apartment today but I got a LOT of important stuff done: cleaned up, got my planner up to date, set my tardigrade goal, ate sensible stuff at sensible intervals. I did well. I think I'll go for a Good Friday walk after I've eaten. I've hydrated and I'm glad I got a lot of veggies in because my skin has been chippingly dry later.

I talked about Nera with the Christian helpline person. She said something about the Good Friday being for mourning and black being the color that contains all colors. We talked about mine and Nera's nightly walks and her black fur. I told her I want to believe that she'll come get me when it's my turn. I'm not sure how happy she was about that, as she responded with some guy's idea that dogs have their own heaven, but as a theologian I can pull rank in my private thoughts lol. But yeah. Good Friday is supposed to feel a bit bad. But Easter is almost here.

I need to pack my swim gear for tomorrow and set an alarm and plan a breakfast! The pool should be open from 10-17. My back is hurting from being so clenched and depressed and stiff.

I'm sure Nera forgives me for what I had to do. I loved her and that's why I'm hurting so much.

EDIT: I had a himbo moment when I just Drain-Oed my bathroom sink and then proceeded to stand by it and making faces at the mirror. The fume got to my eyes and now I'm itchy 😅 (it won't hurt me, I'm just such a fool sometimes)
 
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Floater said:
she responded with some guy's idea that dogs have their own heaven
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How could it be dog heaven without human companions to toss balls, warm the bed, and give pets? That doesn't make any sense at all! Definitely not a theologian but still pulling rank - on the basis of logic.
 
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