Floater's diary

Cate said:
You're doing it again. 🐶 Nera says no negative self-talk. How about you start thinking of yourself as being just as Nera saw you.
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Nera would see me as someone who always put her comfort before my own, whenever I knew how to. Maybe I'm not such a bad man after all. Thanks dear Cate <3
 
Floater said:
Thanks Cate! I chuckled out loud at the idea of Nera biting me - she would never, but of course I'd give a lot to have her chomp on my derriere.
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I'm really glad I made you laugh. I knew that Nera would never have bitten you 🐶😬I might use these 2 emojis in the future, but only if I have to ;)
 
We never know who will die first: the brave, the reckless, the weak, the cruel, the arrogant? And that's a good thing. We also never know who will contribute the most. Like the 12-y/o girl who was separated from her mom and sisters while evacuating the Titanic (probably because she was super parentified tbh) and went on to basically care for a lifeboat full of mostly adults.
 
Hm, the shelter said they demand I first decide between a cat or a dog, and then get back to them. Which as a principle is understandable. And maybe my difficulty choosing speaks that I may not be ready for another pet yet.

At least the weather is good and the pea soup I made yesterday turned out great! I need to get up and shower and go to the hairdresser, this time I even have an appointment lol
 
Hope the haircut turns out great! There's something to be said for not giving pets to people who haven't passed the "any animal that will cuddle with me" stage yet but on the other hand being flexible and focusing more on personality of the individual animal would make sense as well. I don't know: I struggle to keep my devil's ivy alive so I won't be getting a pet any time soon...
 
The haircut was just a maintenance buzzing of my sides, but it was nice to see my hairdresser. She's a really fun and bubbly young woman who clearly loves her job. I went to sit in silence in the church for a moment afterwards. I love the new church in Tikkurila, it's smack dab in the city center and the most beautiful modern church I have ever seen. It has beautiful, asymmetrical and tilted windows that let the light in in interesting angles, and the roof is designed in a triangle shape that makes it feel like I'm falling upwards when I look at the artificially created vanishing point in the ceiling.

Otherwise I've been down bad today. Today is one of those days when my zest of life seems to be sapped out. But I had a moment of happiness when I went to forage for seaweed chips in my cupboard and saw how well stocked I am. Freezer is full of delicious fruits and veggies, and quality protein. I have pea soup and lots of delicious perishables in the fridge. I just need the strength to keep myself fed and not panic about the trans clinic fiasco too much, and day by day things will get easier. I miss Nera so much, but this pain tells me that I'm a human capable of deep and selfless love. I had someone truly precious in my life for 11,5 years and now she's been lost forever, but the time we had together matters, and I don't think she could have found a better match for herself. We were so lucky.
 
You really were lucky, both of you. And from what you say the other guys told you the clinic was setting you up to fail. If you asked them they'd probably claim to put as many hurdles in your path as possible to weed out candidates who aren't 500% dedicated to the process. And they may even believe that's true - because nobody likes to see themselves as a bigoted asshole - even if it means condemning patients with fewer emotional/social/mental resources to life-long dysphoria. But if I know one thing about you by now it's that you're excellent at advocating for yourself and finding support/resources. So as long as you keep putting one foot in front of the other you will wear them down, even if it's a major injustice that you should have to do so.
 
Today has been slow. I think I need to take it easy today, but I packed my swimming gear for tomorrow after therapy. I just waterproofed my new hiking boots and will walk to the supermarket to get a bottle of red wine for my friends' engagement party, as it was their preferred gift choice. Other than that, today's goals are to just rest, eat pea soup, and try to keep a positive mindset.
 
I'm really in a rut today. Have only eaten 200g of Turkish yogurt fro breakfast and a little bit of ham. I'll heat up some pea soup soon.
 
I hope you were able to get some soup down. When will your friend's party be? Sounds like a good distraction
 
Llama said:
I hope you were able to get some soup down. When will your friend's party be? Sounds like a good distraction
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It's on this Saturday! I'm so looking forward to it. It's the same friend who has supported me and gone on walks with me while I was processing the loss of Nera, and her fiancee is a really nice and warm person too. I already have a plan for Saturday: I'll take the train to the party, and then walk home, it'll be an about 10km hike but I can pass many familiar places I used to walk with Nera as I used to live close to the location my friend and her fiancee moved into last fall.

I'm sure that celebrating the love of two beautiful people and getting to talk to my old Uni friends in there, and also the walk back will all help me tie together the shredded ends of the loves I've lost recently. Nera is permanently gone, but her death was due to the laws of nature, not my incompetence. Similarly, my personal issues right now are not necessarily things I could directly change at a snap of my fingers. From my eating issues to my trans struggles etc I am fighting uphill - But damn I am fighting. And a really happy realization I had today is that ever since I got back to weightlifting, I have suffered way less EDS-related issues. Gaining more muscle mass is known to help many sufferers, so I managed to help myself, and now I reap the benefits. Step by step I will get to live the rest of my days in the body I feel fits me. And while I still feel so very incomplete, this fire in my belly will allow for my survival and happiness through days like this one.
 
I know that this too will pass, but the truth is that I woke up today and felt that nothing matters to me. Right now I feel like it's all useless. I think I need to just accept this feeling and wait for it to pass. At least I ate breakfast... A ball of mozzarella, standing naked by the sink. For the life of me I can't understand why this depression descended onto me when yesterday I was so hopeful. But I only need to make it to tomorrow and see what happens then.
 
My ex has a new, very well paying job which I am happy he got, but he just texted me he's about to **** a woman he found at a work-related party, and while I'm all for him moving forward in life, I just feel... Dirty. Because if he considers me a friend, he doesn't need to share that. He made me a spectator in his love life knowing fully well that transitioning may close me off romance for good, and I wish I could cry, but I'm just so very tired. Not food or fitness related I know. Sorry. I did pet cute bulldogs on my evening walk though.
 
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