Floater's diary

Sigh. Had two flatbreads with marg and liver paté, and a bowl of overnight oats. Bought beef jerky, salad, peas, and an aubergine on my way home. I'm really tired and feeling sad and anxious about the trans clinic stuff. Gym day tomorrow. Exercising did help while it lasted, it's the toughest spot to sit at home and mull over how broken the trans clinic system is... Now wonder Finland has gotten flack from human rights organizations about this issue.

EDIT: but the grasshopper mouse is not intimidated!!
 
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Floater said:
EDIT: but the grasshopper mouse is not intimidated!!
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:hurray:

I think you can take the word of the guys who have gone before you: if you don't let the regressive arseholes get at you long-term and keep chipping away at the process you'll get there in the end. Setbacks will - sadly - occur and despairing for a day or two occasionally in response isn't weird when the topic is so important. Might it help with coping if you frame the callousness as a point of interest for your mini documentary?
 
Llama said:
:hurray:

Might it help with coping if you frame the callousness as a point of interest for your mini documentary?
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First of all: everything you said above is gold, and also yes, I think I really need to start "deprogramming" my brain from the internalized need to be meek and pleasant. It terrifies me to think about showing myself on camera frustrated or sarcastic, but those are the emotions I'm going through in this moment. For the project to become reality, I HAVE to be callous like a grasshopper mouse. 😂

But god damn I'm glad I have this diary, and a habit of writing down my thoughts in general. All that helps build a backlog that will help me put meat on the bones of the project. I still haven't decided on the equipment but I've been looking, and after all, getting a semi decent camera and a decent microphone is plenty enough for this purpose.
 
I had a walk - there's still enough snow for the ski track machine to drive it's rounds, it looks truly bizarre making it's rounds in the fields, reminding me of the nightmare-inducing harvester in "The Secret of NIMH" :D .

I popped by a corner grocery, and as it's the beginning of the month, I'm on a meat bender and bought some pre-cooked chicken cutlets. No idea if they are good at all, but if they are, they would be very convenient in salads and as post-workout meals with some carbs and veg on the side now that the weather is warming up and I won't necessarily want to eat porridge all the time. I also got two beers, the wheat beer I could reach fine, but a hazy IPA I desired was on the top shelf and there was no stepladder in sight (grocery stores have those for both the clientele and the clerks), so I just asked some tall guy to please get one for me :D :D For some reason, the situation made me chuckle to myself all the way back home. Like, I know short guys exist, but the dynamic of being a short guy in a short girl meat shell and the subtle glee the tall guy radiated when he could help me out... Being trans often makes me feel like an alien, but it's not an entirely negative experience when stuff like this happens. I guess that every person has moments of feeling like a foreigner in their own life. And that's perfectly OK.

Reminder to self: before bedtime, eat 200g of thawed green peas and whatever feels tasty after that's all done. Gym day tomorrow!
 
I really don't understand why we have decided that guys have to be tall and women have to be dainty. It makes no sense and yet I still find myself stumbling into at least the second half of that nonsense.
 
Llama said:
I really don't understand why we have decided that guys have to be tall and women have to be dainty. It makes no sense and yet I still find myself stumbling into at least the second half of that nonsense.
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I KNOW RIGHT 😂 Gender stereotypes truly fuck us all over. I do adore tall, well-muscled ladies though. I'm so close to the ground myself that most people look tall to me anyway, but strong women in general make me happy, no matter their height. I think it has most to do with me associating bulk with a general gist for life, so while I think bulky gals look great, it's more about the vibe and less about the aesthetics. (Similarly, I don't desire becoming super masc when I transition, I'm fine being a short king with an affinity for beauty in nature and the arts lol.)
 
I ate the 200g of peas and ~1dl of sauerkraut. Feeling pretty sleepy, and very accomplished with today's exercise and dietary choices. Veggies and fruit make me happy from the inside out, and I got plenty today.

Edit: also had some beef jerky, a new brand I haven't tried before, and it was too salty even for me. Legit saltier than salami snacks o_O . I think I'll try it in savoury oatmeal, polenta, or congee with spinach. I have this vague memory of reading Jack London's books as a kid, and the characters would eat porridge with pemmican (dried meat and fat) to survive in the Alaskan wilderness. (I'm a goofy goober lol)
 
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Floater said:
First of all: everything you said above is gold, and also yes, I think I really need to start "deprogramming" my brain from the internalized need to be meek and pleasant. It terrifies me to think about showing myself on camera frustrated or sarcastic, but those are the emotions I'm going through in this moment. For the project to become reality, I HAVE to be callous like a grasshopper mouse. 😂
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I can see this project being very therapeutic & I can't wait for you to start!
Floater said:
But god damn I'm glad I have this diary, and a habit of writing down my thoughts in general. All that helps build a backlog that will help me put meat on the bones of the project. I still haven't decided on the equipment but I've been looking, and after all, getting a semi decent camera and a decent microphone is plenty enough for this purpose.
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Having a diary & writing down our feelings I think is so good for all of us. I started saving pages of my diary once when the forum had been down for a few days. I would hate to lose it. It was too much work as my diary is 15 years old :svengo: If there was an easy way I would.
 
@Cate *hugs* It really makes a difference putting one's thoughts down, and to have that reservoir of past emotions and situations to build new life on. Like a plant that sheds it's leaves in the fall and gets nutrients for new growth as the dead leaves turn to new soil.
 
Floater said:
I have this vague memory of reading Jack London's books as a kid, and the characters would eat porridge with pemmican (dried meat and fat) to survive in the Alaskan wilderness. (I'm a goofy goober lol)
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I read a lot of Karl May as a kid (looking back his books were horrible in a number of ways but I was 8-10 years old...) and back then I didn't really know what pemmican was. I imagined jerky with dried berries, which sounded great! Was kind of disappointed when I found out about the fat part...
 
I woke up at 5 to miss Nera and cry. Called the crisis helpline, it feels nice to hear someone confirm that losing a dog is indeed a real crisis. It makes it easier for me to not be too harsh on myself about letting the trans clinic nonsense under my skin.

I had a positive realization just now. When I feel "fat" (AKA feeling my chest and tummy doing their female-typical stuff), it makes me anxious, dysphoric, and unmotivated. I don't want to eat or exercise, I just want to disappear. But when I push past that feeling, I can enjoy moving my body and eating food that makes me satiated and happy. Especially as so much of my body issues are related to dysphoria, separating the looks part and the feelings part is really important. I would rather be "fat" but eat nutritious foods and exercise a lot and manage my dysphoria and anxiety, than be "thin" but listless and still battle with dysphoria all the time. IDK if this makes sense to anyone else lol, I'm pretty tired.
 
Losing Nera was indeed a crisis & your recent trauma with the clinic would be piling in on top of your grief. I think you do really well coping as well as you do.
Floater said:
. I would rather be "fat" but eat nutritious foods and exercise a lot and manage my dysphoria and anxiety, than be "thin" but listless and still battle with dysphoria all the time.
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I get that :grouphug:
 
Great! The cooked chicken cutlets I bought yesterday taste pretty good. Saltier than I'd like, but I'll definitely buy these again when I'm too bummed out to cook. The price per kg was 5-6 euros more than buying raw chicken, but having the option to just open a package and eat some cooked and seasoned chicken is very convenient.
 
Llama said:
Great work. I'm sure your body and mind will thank you.
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I believe so too, thanks!

My post-workout meal was a cheeseburger because I really needed something convenient and a bit naughty :Angel_anim:

On my way back home I popped by the Asian grocery for more somen noodles, a box of red bean mochi, and a couple of packs of instant ramen for hunger emergencies, and then went to the supermarket to get sushi like I always do at the beginning of the month. I also got preserved foods - sun-dried tomatoes, asparagus, olives, and based on a whim also smoked mussels in oil - because I've noticed that what feels like meh or random stuff at the beginning of the month will turn into kitchen creativity by the end of the month lol. (If anyone has great recipes for canned mussels, I'm all ears!)

My arms are super sore already, but that's to be expected. My brain is very happy, and I think it's good for me to explore the PPL (push pull legs on alternating days) routine some more, as it tricks my brain into thinking that I'm not really doing much at all. And that gives me motivation to go to the gym even when I'm sad and tired, like I was today. So it's the double benefit of walking there (low impact cardio to help with weight loss) and weight training, but in a sustainable fashion that doesn't wear me out too much. For now it seems like a good system.

My left ear is ringing, which is super annoying. The only reason I can think of is stress. I do get caught up in doomy gloomy thoughts about the trans clinic but I do my best to stay in the present.
 
I just realized I won't have time to go aqua jogging today, as I have assistance comin over at 5PM and grocery delivery at 8PM. But I'll take a long walk!
 
Llama said:
Rest days are important as well. Enjoy.
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Thanks! I had a nice walk. But I felt so lonesome without Nera. It's snowing again; winter doesn't want to loosen it's grip this year. I walked in the forest and on the fields and remembered how exitedly Nera galloped around and how the snow spotted her silky fur like stars against the darkness of the universe.

Pihlaja the dog won't be moving in with me; I checked the shelter's site and she has been reserved for someone. I wish I had a furry friend to hold. Maybe I'll apply for a cat.
 
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