Floater's diary

Had coffee + overnight oats for breakfast. Dentist checkup went fine, I have a bit of tartar and a couple of beginning/"stopped" cavities that used to be there before and have not gotten any worse, roots are fine and so are my gums. In other words, good teeth for a person in their thirties. I'll get the tartar removed in July and was told to keep doing what I do. I will get some gap brushes ASAP though and keep them by my bed...

I had spaghetti with lentil sauce, spinach, olives, and chopped Brazil nuts for lunch. Yum!
 
I had a nice nap to make up for my short night's sleep.

Snack: 200g of thawed green peas.
 
Frustrating! The trans clinic doctor postponed our appointment for tomorrow, so me and the assistance people had to go through quite a bit of a hassle to get the schedules to work. But we'll have the meeting via Teams tomorrow at 1 PM.

Dinner (weird to eat dinner this early, but as this is my second warm meal today...) : spaghetti with the last leftover lentil stew, spinach, and half a can of tuna. Decided to have a small bowl of sauerkraut for dessert.

EDIT: I washed my fridge today! Freezer doesn't have any ice accumulation so I didn't bother melting it. But I managed to eat all my old frozen stuff! And everything is nice and clean for my grocery delivery on Monday <3
 
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A clean fridge is so nice. Sucks about your appointment getting moved but I'm glad you were able to adapt the support schedule to match it.
 
I picked up two post packages; one had a pair of Merrell barefoot shoes and gym pants, the other has the spring jacket and other stuff. The gym pants are going straight back - they are made of a material that swishes and swooshes when I walk, and I hate that noise. The barefoot shoes are comfy, but as I can only afford either them or the hiking boots, I'll go with the hiking boots. This might sound stupid, but having very small feet, the barefoot shoes gave me dysphoria lol. But it's also smarter to get the hiking boots because they are more useful in Finnish climate, and for hot days I have my trusty Havaianas.

I prepped overnight oats for tomorrow, this time I added a bit of soy protein powder to the Turkish yogurt. I'm really bloated, my midsection looks like a barrel, but I think it might be partially from stress!
 
Snack: thawed mango and pomegranate seeds, half a can of tuna. I'll have my last pack of instant ramen soon, and then go to sleep early.
 
I may have mentioned this before but I bought barefoot shoes last year (or the year before?) and realized that they're really only useful when walking in fields/woods with little to no height differences. The thin soles make them kind of unpleasant on asphalt/rocks and the lack of profile combined with how loose your foot should be in them means they're insecure on inclines/declines.
 
Llama said:
I may have mentioned this before but I bought barefoot shoes last year (or the year before?) and realized that they're really only useful when walking in fields/woods with little to no height differences. The thin soles make them kind of unpleasant on asphalt/rocks and the lack of profile combined with how loose your foot should be in them means they're insecure on inclines/declines.
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I agree - and they are useless in rain/dew, too. But they are great for the gym!

Bedtime meal: instant ramen with sauerkraut and pomegranate seeds. I can't wait for tomorrow, I'll treat myself to something super yummy once I've paid my rent and bills! And I'll go to the gym too, even if it's just for one single squat!
 
The doctor called an hour early and... This doesn't look good. At all. I'm too deep in shock to even explain this. I don't think they will help me. I feel so trapped.
 
Hit the gym, "Pull" day today. Had my locker room porridge, now I'm at Taco Bell having three crispy chicken tenders.
 
Llama said:
I hope it won't be as grim as it sounds.
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Well, it really is.

So: first of all, the doctor was supposed to call yesterday at 1PM but postponed it to today at 1PM, and I had left a message to her secretary that we would talk over Teams so my assistance person could be present. However, the doctor called me at noon, no notification, and sounded hostile from the start (also gaslit me that we had agreed to talk at noon, but I have the text message she sent saved). She asked me what I want help with, and I gave her the bare bones - that the person who was supposed to conduct my interviews had told me she won't do that, and of course the doctor spun it to be MY fault, twisting my words and telling me that if I get triggered I have unfinished issues. I didn't even refer to myself as being triggered, I was quoting Terrifying Sex Nurse. Next, the doctor said that if I'm not in the workforce, I'm too sick for the evaluation process. (This is untrue and illegal, by the way. People on permanent disability have the right to transition and have done so.) And then said that she'll arrange an appointment for me in June or August to evaluate if I'm in a good enough condition to go on.

I had a breakdown after the phone call. I felt dirty and disgusting and stupid; it felt so unfair that no matter what I tried to say, it was twisted to make me the problem. I had a phone call with my assistance worker who offered to contact the doctor and demand another phone call appointment in which she would be present, as the doctor knew fully well that I am autistic and have a hard time adapting to sudden changes in planning and that I have trouble communicating, especially under duress. The trans guys in my support group are enraged on my behalf; being able to work or not is definitely not something that should affect transitioning. But a lot of guys have had the weirdest excuses thrown at them to hinder their transition, and apparently the trick is to just keep one's course, as bad as it feels.

I'm so fucking tired. No wonder Finland has gotten flack from human rights organizations in regards to out transitioning policies.

One positive thing came out of this: I called my dad and asked him if he's willing to loan/gift me a camera and a microphone so I could document my "health journey" (dad doesn't know I'm trans but that's besides the point). He was super into the idea - he knows I plan to get to the film school one day and for all of his faults, he truly has been supportive of all my creative pursuits - so long story short, if the trans clinic is going to make my life miserable, I'm going to make sure I have the recordings and the receipts. If I start gathering raw footage now, no matter what ends up happening with my individual body, if I can turn that footage into a amateur documentary series on YouTube, maybe it would shed some light on the insanity of the system. And this way, even if I'll stay trapped in this meat shell for the rest of my days, some good might eventually come out of it. At least I wouldn't have to just sit with my thumbs up my ass, wishing and waiting for the doctors to be sensible.

Does this sound like a crazy idea?

(PS I have the general gist about the ethics of such a project from my Uni years, I have a feeling I might actually make something impactful and of quality, even if the scale is small and me being an amateur.)
 
OK, returned some ill-fitting clothes, picked up my new pair of hiking boots, bought enough essentials to last me over the weekend until the grocery delivery arrives, and ordered Chinese as a pick-me-up. Bought four tall beers too because right now I just need to get my fighting spirit back.

I packed my swimming gear for tomorrow. I HAVE to stick to my exercise routine. The trans clinic shitheels won't get the best of me.
 
I'm saying with pride that I ate very well today, and prepped overnight oats for tomorrow. Despite indulging in beer and takeout food, I also ate plenty of fruit and veggies, good quality protein and healthy fats. Now I just need patience and tenacity to work towards my fitness goals and a balanced diet.

I'm wiped! Good night friends :3
 
Floater said:
Does this sound like a crazy idea?
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No it doesn't: it sounds like a great idea. Light disinfects and by the sound of it there's a lot of rot hidden in the darkness of that trans clinic. I hope the assistance people do make an official complaint on your behalf and I'm so glad you have a community of fellow travelers to vent to and to get confirmation that the system really is that screwed and you're not imagining things.

Also: great work eating right and focusing on the things you CAN do right now to move yourself in the right direction.
 
Floater said:
Does this sound like a crazy idea?
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That sounds like a very good idea to me. I am so sorry that you have had such a horrible experience with this doctor & that bloody nurse. It totally sucks!
But how have you reacted? In a healthy & positive way 👏 Well done! :grouphug:
 
The beers from yesterday are making me lazy, but I'll have breakfast (two flatbreads with marg and liver paté, five bite-size snack salamis, 2dl of mango) and head to the pool. I try not to worry about the trans clinic too much. The other trans guys say they try to disencourage people from transitioning, as terrible as that sounds.
 
I aqua jogged for two hours and had a post-workout snack of four snack salami and a handful of pumpkin seeds. Now I'll hurry home and demolish a bowl of overnight oats with cherries and mango. I'm overjoyed to have found frozen cherries!!
 
Frozen cherries sound great: don't think I've ever seen them here.
 
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