Floater's diary

A cat wouldn't go for snowy walks with you but if you strike lucky you might find one that likes cuddles and shorter walks. Or maybe Pihlaja finding another home means you need a bit more time alone before you're really ready for another furry companion.
 
Llama said:
A cat wouldn't go for snowy walks with you but if you strike lucky you might find one that likes cuddles and shorter walks. Or maybe Pihlaja finding another home means you need a bit more time alone before you're really ready for another furry companion.
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Spot on. I truly believe that me and Nera's companionship was fate, and the next friend who'll grace my life will follow the same pattern. Not a rational thought, but very true to me and my lived experience.
 
Fucking hell, the kitty I left an application for has been reserved today. I have such shit luck.

Also, Terrifying Sex Nurse sent me her evaluation that's been sent to the trans clinic. Not only is it full of mistakes about my life details, it also paints me as a paranoid, unstable petson who's impossible to work with. Thanks a lot, sex nurse.
 
What an unprofessional, insecure, vindictive bitch. The lazy mistakes might help you prove her wrongness if you need to though.
 
Can you send the trans clinic a letter righting her wrongs? They should be able to compare the two versions.
I'm sorry you missed out on the dog. Keep looking, Floater. It will happen.
 
@Cate my assistance person will try to get a hold of the doctor, other than that I may just annoy the doc more if I give her extra work... Choices choices..
Cate said:
I'm sorry you missed out on the dog. Keep looking, Floater. It will happen.
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It will. I just need patience and faith. Thank you <3
 
Having assistance do it is probably the right choice. Healthcare workers absolutely do talk among each other and if an assistance person who's been working with you for a while advocates for you that's going to carry more weight than anything you can say once they've decided you're "difficult".
 
I walked to the city center in ankle-deep sleet to find out that I hadn't booked the haidresser at all. I'm a dingus. Well, it's going to be tomorrow at noon instead.

I had mango for breakfast and a fish burger for lunch, and will now take the escalator upstairs and do my leg day at the gym. I feel anxious, sad, and lonely, and super stupid. Feels like my future has turned to ash, just like Nera.
 
Oh, Floater. You are not stupid! No more negative self talk please. Nera will come back & bite you on the bum! I looked up animal rescue places in Finland & there seems to be a lot of cats but not so many dogs. I really hope you can find a dog, but if you love cats then you could provide a good loving home for a cat I’m sure.
 
Leg day gave me a tiny bit of dopamine. I didn't have a post workout meal because I'm pretty sure that eating a fish burger minutes before the workout kind of covers that.

I took a long way home and climbed on the water tower hill. I stood there for quite a while and thought about my current predicament. I came to the conclusion that if I want to live as a man, I have to embrace the privileges and the responsibilities that come with it. That includes sometimes having to take a temporary loss for criticizing a person in power. (Not that women weren't capable of activism! I'm just trying to make sense of my emotions and reactions when facing the Terrifying Sex Nurse and her bullshit.)

I also read "The Second Coming" by William Butler Yeats and visualized myself reading it verse by verse and filming it once I get to start T, to create a voice drop composition video over several months. Because I'm a spooky goth bish, that specific poem is a perfect fit lol.

Cate said:
Oh, Floater. You are not stupid! No more negative self talk please. Nera will come back & bite you on the bum! I looked up animal rescue places in Finland & there seems to be a lot of cats but not so many dogs. I really hope you can find a dog, but if you love cats then you could provide a good loving home for a cat I’m sure.
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Thanks Cate! I chuckled out loud at the idea of Nera biting me - she would never, but of course I'd give a lot to have her chomp on my derriere. But she would absolutely look at me all worried until I would feel sorry for making her worry and would go cuddle her until she perks up. That was our jam.

It's true that shelter dogs are a rarity in Finland. Yesterday I even looked at Tori.fi, Finland's Craigslist, to see if there are any home-seeking dogs there. But the only sensible options were either far away or super expensive, and there were a LOT of suspicious adverts. I do love cats too, any animals really. But dogs and cats are the only sensible choices regarding my living situation: I can't offer a secure back yard for bunnies or enough space for birds. Rodents I could house comfortably for them, but I don't think I could handle the heart break of losing rats, mice or gerbils periodically every couple of years. Chichillas and degus would live up to 10 years or more with good care, but I'm not sure they are the best option for me, as they can't be taken outside at all.

A cat would be a safer option when it comes to transitioning, because let's say I get to go on T in 3-4 yrs and get a mastectomy in 5. Walking a dog will be impossible for two months after mastectomy, unless it's a mini breed, as any sort of sudden movement can cause the reconstructed chest to tear to the kingdom come with ugly and dangerous results. On the other hand, I could probably organize friends or my ex-MIL to help. A cat I could tend to by myself, cleaning the litter box would be doable, and in case the kitty were cuddly, the purring is shown to happen at a frequency that aids in healing. Cats have a very different vibe than dogs. But sometimes I just feel this pang of pain when I remember how happy and cool I felt walking alongside a big, happy, well-cared-for dog.

Somewhere out there exists an animal that is meant for me. Time will tell!
 
!!! And would you guys believe it: the shelter responded! While they confirmed that both Pihlaja and Lumi-Aamu have found new homes, they sent me an email asking more about my animal background, and whether I'd want a cat or a dog more.

Basically, I'll draw a deep breath, make myself a cup of coffee, and respond.
 
Floater said:
I also read "The Second Coming" by William Butler Yeats and visualized myself reading it verse by verse and filming it once I get to start T, to create a voice drop composition video over several months.
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That is SUCH a cool idea! I'd suggest reading every line at the highest, lowest, and most comfortable pitch of that moment just for comparison.
Floater said:
they sent me an email asking more about my animal background, and whether I'd want a cat or a dog more.
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How wonderful! That at least confirms they consider you a viable candidate.
 
Llama said:
That is SUCH a cool idea! I'd suggest reading every line at the highest, lowest, and most comfortable pitch of that moment just for comparison.

How wonderful! That at least confirms they consider you a viable candidate.
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Agree and agree! The voice drop composition videos are by no means my idea, trans guys have been doing those for a while, but "The Second Coming" just hits a spot for me. Especially as I know I'll miss my bright soprano once it's gone. But cis guys lose it by 13-15, or in history, occasionally lost their balls to keep the castrata sound, so... I'm sure I'll be fine with my "balls-in-a-vial". 😅
 
I seem to remember an opera singer who retrained to sing male parts after transition so who knows what your options will be :)
 
Llama said:
I seem to remember an opera singer who retrained to sing male parts after transition so who knows what your options will be :)
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There's actually a Finnish trans man opera singer, Demian Seesjärvi, who started as a soprano but after transitioning has become a musical pedagogist and written a thesis about voice training in FtM trans people! I think it's amazing that a person whose livelihood was in such a conservatist area was able to turn his own life experience towards common good. I've heard him singing in a TV programme that was about changes to voice for different reasons, he was the only trans person there, but it was aired on Finnish public TV and it was incredible to hear not only his voice change but also the freedom/mellowness he gained as his voice changed. I have this dream of going from a sharp, clean, high singing voice to this honeyed purr that I can only really reach when I'm at my lowest register, which is not wide at all. Not that I dislike my ability to go clean and high - it's a rule of thumb that a voice can be trained to go higher but never lower, as the thickness of the vocal cords will decide the lowest tone you can hit. But knowing how to go high should realistically give me enough leeway to roll the falsetto if I ever want to sing Bohemian Rhapsody (and well) in the karaoke again. We'll see.

In any case, I can't wait to read "The Second Coming" with the voice I hear in my mind's ear as I read it. To me, the poem reads almost like a sermon, not a cozy Lutheran one with coffee and cinnamon rolls, but a fervous, Southern US evangelical one, or maybe something uttered in a cold and moldy stone church in a small English village where the majority of the congregation is succumbing to old age and the salty wind strips all color from the vegetation. Something with an intensity that builds and then crashes down at the last two verses, like tired waves against the shore.

But yeah I really wish I'll get a dog soon because I think I'll go nuts otherwise lol :D I did a good job responding to the shelter I think.
 
I had a lovely walk outside in a blizzard. And now I'm having pea and edamame soup with plenty of onion and fatty smoked ham.
 
Llama said:
No worries: we're all mad here. Crossing my fingers for your new companion to find you soon though!
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We truly are.

It's really hard reading the news right now. 200 km from my door, civilians are being massacred. I feel so numb.

I wish I could do something. I had a walk earlier and there was a stark wind blowing and for a while I imagined myself as a Jack London-type main character with a pack of noisy huskies tailing me... But the reality is of course that I'm a 34-year old useless slob who'll die first if war spreads to this corner of the world. (BTW, you weren't wrong about pemmican being mixed with berries Llama, sometimes it was! I honestly don't know which is worse, dry meat and fat with berries or without berries... But I guess anything tastes great after 24 hours in -40C temp.)

IDK it feels like the end of times. But I'm sure people in 1920s felt so too. Maybe it would be better for humanity to disappear and give room to other creation (or evolution/biodiversity). I'm once again sharing the (useless) radiation alarm cat song because it's seriously one of the less bad ideas when it comes to humanity surviving an almost extinction event.

Excuse me while I withdraw into my arctic mad max imaginary world with sleigh doggies and pretty pastel skies while we as a species destroy each other and the planet, too.

 
Floater said:
But the reality is of course that I'm a 34-year old useless slob who'll die first if war spreads to this corner of the world.
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You're doing it again. 🐶 Nera says no negative self-talk. How about you start thinking of yourself as being just as Nera saw you.
Floater said:
And would you guys believe it: the shelter responded! While they confirmed that both Pihlaja and Lumi-Aamu have found new homes, they sent me an email asking more about my animal background, and whether I'd want a cat or a dog more.
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Yay! 🤞 That is a really good sign.
 
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