Floater's diary

Llama said:
Well done getting to the gym! I chickened out today and blamed the time shift...
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Hey, the time shift is a real issue. Don't be too hard on yourself. It's been proven that people can legitimately die from the stress of time shifts if they have underlying issues! You'll make it to the gym soon enough! :grouphug:

I feel really exhausted and my tummy looks like a beach ball, but I think I'll go aqua jogging tomorrow anyway. I don't have to do 2 hours, I can do one hour or 30 mins, but I want to go to pass the time and distract myself from not having any money now that it's the end of the month and I'm broke. I do have food in the fridge and the freezer and Friday is benefits payment day, so I'll be fine, but it's still a nasty feeling to know that I have no wiggle room for the next three days.

On Thursday I have a dentist appointment at 8AM, and the trans clinic doctor will call me at 1:30PM so it's going to suck balls. But once that's all said and done, I'll treat myself to something yummy on Friday and pay all my bills and rent and it's always a wonderful feeling to get that done.
 
At least only Thursday will suck. I used to hate those last few days of the month but they also felt very simple and clean.
 
Dinner: the leftover bean and veg soup from a few days ago, this time I mixed in some of the edamame and sauerkraut dish from yesterday and two slices of salt beef cut into thin strips to make it a bit different, and a bit of PB to thicken the broth up, and obviously scallions and pomegranate seeds because I'm just constantly craving those now. Tastes hearty and nice!

EDIT: I'll probably need something carb-heavy before going to bed, I'm thinking quesadillas or leftover couscous, but we'll see.
 
Yup, carb hunger hit. Solution: I filled four small tortillas with couscous-hot sauce-cheese mix, stuffed the tortillas and folded them into quesadillas. They are now toasting in the oven (the microwave won't be here until May, ughhhh...) Eating them will probably be quite messy, but should give me a good night's sleep. I just finished hanging my clean laundry and packing my swimming gear for tomorrow :3
 
Llama said:
Messy food is best food. Especially when warm and gooey.
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Turns out the cheese kept the couscous from scattering everywhere, and I'll definitely make this again, it was simple but so satiating! Next time I'll put in just a little bit more cheese and hot sauce, but I like how the end result turned out mild but with interesting textures (crunchy toasted taco shells + slightly sweet couscous filling). I forgot to mention I also chopped one small shiitake mushroom in the couscous-cheese mix, and it definitely gives anything that nice kick of umami. I'll drink a tall glass of water, chew a bit of gum, brush my teeth, and off to dreamland!

EDIT: I packed my post-workout snack for tomorrow, by the "emptying my cabinets" principle: four Brazil nuts, a handful of pumpkin seed, and a heaping handful of chocolate M&Ms that have been sitting there since February. I had some of the M&Ms as dessert and it's nice to notice that sometimes sugary treats feel nice to eat, too.
 
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Floater said:
Yup, carb hunger hit. Solution: I filled four small tortillas with couscous-hot sauce-cheese mix, stuffed the tortillas and folded them into quesadillas. They are now toasting in the oven
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Oh, yum! You are eating so well & being so active. It's really good to see. I have a feeling that Friday won't be as bad as you think. Imagine us being with you when you have that call on Thursday- "Team Floater."
 
Cate said:
Oh, yum! You are eating so well & being so active. It's really good to see. I have a feeling that Friday won't be as bad as you think. Imagine us being with you when you have that call on Thursday- "Team Floater."
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That's lovely, thank you Cate.

I just woke up from the strangest nightmare. In the dream I had written and published a book, and I had flown to NY to market it. Just before leaving I had taken a forest walk with Nera's leash in my hand and met and talked to a guy who had made it big on Youtube and gave me tips on how to handle fame and "no longer hide behind a screen". I felt lost and wanted a hug, but had to stay professional.

Once I got to NY, I lost my schedule and had no idea where to be and what to do and I really just wanted to be home, safe. I was stuck in my dingy hotel room and tried to find the phone number of someone (another writer) who was supposed to help me, but they had had a death in the family and couldn't make it, so I was stranded. When room service came, I hid in the bathroom and was shocked that they talked to me in Finnish. I looked in the bathroom mirror and was very relieved that it was set so high I could only see myself from the chin up. Then I nested in my hotel bed and ate stale cookies the room service had bought and felt like an overgrown child.

The dream was like something David Lynch would direct and it had such deep melancholy to it, I felt alone and out of place and was very happy to wake up safe in my own bed...
 
Breakfast: wakame rice and leftover edamame-sauerkraut thing. I think I'll make myself a cup of coffee and try to sleep a bit more. (Sometimes coffee helps me sleep, as weird as that may sound.)

EDIT: nope, can't sleep. I'm having the strangest feeling, like it's autumn instead of spring and the world is upside down and tupsy turvy. Not anxiety or anything bad, but as if reality is holding it's breath in waiting for something.
 
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Making lunch: four oven-toasted quesadillas filled with potatoes, sweet peas and cheese + 2dl of thawed mango for dessert. My left knee feels irritated, but I think it's the small muscles, not the joint itself.
 
Floater said:
I'm having the strangest feeling, like it's autumn instead of spring and the world is upside down and tupsy turvy. Not anxiety or anything bad, but as if reality is holding it's breath in waiting for something.
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Daylight saving time? Do you guys have that? I have a subtle feeling of wrongness at the moment as well but that'll pass in a couple of days.
 
Llama said:
Daylight saving time? Do you guys have that? I have a subtle feeling of wrongness at the moment as well but that'll pass in a couple of days.
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Yeah we do! Could very well be that. I'm hopeless dealing with any rupture to my routine, so adjusting to daylight saving time could explain this weird-ass feeling of ennui. Thanks Llama.
 
Had a snack of ~2dl of Turkish yogurt with orange jam, and am now going to the pool. Let's see how motivated I am, I'll do what feels good.
 
Aqua jogged for 2 hours. I forgot my bath/hygiene kit at home, so no deodorant... But I live 20mins from the pool so I may avoid getting stinky. Post workout snack today is 4 Brazil nuts, a handful of pumpkin seeds, and a handful of M&Ms.

I had a good time in the pool. I kept dreaming about my body goals in a couple of years and the clothes I'm going to rock. I got this!
 
My gym sent me an email that they will raise their prices starting 1.6. so I terminated my membership. And as soon as I did it, I regretted it instantly. The pool has a gym, but the opening hours with a pensioner card are shit. I'll try to see if I can cancel the termination but I'm afraid it won't work out and now I'm stressed as fuck. I should have had dinner before terminating the membership. I'm so tired and pissed and angry at myself that I think I'm going to cry.

Dinner: two fried fish fillets with rice and the rest of the edamame-sauerkraut-leftovers.
 
20 minutes without deodorant right after workout in antimicrobial water are unlikely to make you stinky. Is there a reason why the gym wouldn't take you back even if your cancelation can't be canceled? Don't worry before you've had food and sleep.
 
Llama said:
Is there a reason why the gym wouldn't take you back even if your cancelation can't be canceled?
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Not really; in the worst case scenario I'll just lose my bonus points but I have no idea what they are supposed to do anyway. I sent the gym an email and asked if the termination can be cancelled, and luckily my dinner is starting to smell heavenly in the oven, so I'll live lol. I think that the stress about having both the dentist and the trans clinic doctor phone call on Thursday is driving me a bit frantic!

What matters now is: once again I completed two hours of cardio, I have been eating really well, and every workout and every decent meal brings me a tiny bit closer to my end goal. Back at the pool I was thinking about the times when I was a little kid and used to go to the pool with my dad. Until I turned 5 years old, I was allowed to go with him to the men's locker rooms and I remember crying bitterly when I had to start using the women's locker room and switch the blue key to a red one. There was something really uncanny in entering the women's side for the first time, all alone, with the showers and saunas and locker rooms being at the same places than in the men's side, but mirrored. I had no words for the anxiety and wrongness I felt; after all, I had been to the women's side with my mom before. But having my access to the blue keys permanently cut off,or so I thought back then, shook me to my tiny core, even though the women's side smelled better and was generally more silent and soothing in it's atmosphere. An interesting meditation on how sometimes the objectively more pleasant option can be subjectively unpleasant and jarring, huh?

But now: FOOD. I need my fuel! To infinity and beyondddd!
 
I finished dinner and immediately realized that I'm going to need another warm meal tonight, so I started making a red lentil and bean stew. I originally thought I'd use my last can of tuna for it, but decided to save that for a rainy day (AKA one when I'm too bummed out to do anything but open a can, because one will eventually come). The stew can sit and simmer in the oven by itself, so I can just relax. I'm very happy with my progress today and I'm sure the gym hassle can be sorted out.

EDIT: snack: thawed peas and sauerkraut. Dinner number two will be done in an hour.
 
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Floater said:
But having my access to the blue keys permanently cut off,or so I thought back then, shook me to my tiny core, even though the women's side smelled better and was generally more silent and soothing in it's atmosphere. An interesting meditation on how sometimes the objectively more pleasant option can be subjectively unpleasant and jarring, huh?
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I would've screamed my head off if I'd had to go change alone in a public place at 5 y/o. Add your not-yet-understood gender dysphoria and it would basically have been hell no matter how nice it smelled.
 
Llama said:
I would've screamed my head off if I'd had to go change alone in a public place at 5 y/o. Add your not-yet-understood gender dysphoria and it would basically have been hell no matter how nice it smelled.
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Yeah, well, I agree. It's nuts what us humans can shrug off and normalize because it was our normal, especially as kids when there's little perspective. And abused kids are usually expected to "grow up quickly", which of course doesn't mean true maturity or even learning life skills, it just means getting disconnected from our emotions and reality. But I'm kind of happy that I could revisit the longing I had for those blue keys - it helps me ground myself to my identity.

At that age I didn't have much physical dysphoria, because other than the privates, little boys and girls are very similar in strength and appearance. But I did have strong social dysphoria about the ways I was dressed, how my hair was cut and how I was expected to behave, and how I was gradually closed off from "boy things". It hurt most when other boys did it, because I had learned to expect that adults are mean and suck. The blue key is a powerful visual metaphor for that loss. (Physical dysphoria kicked in with puberty, as often is the case. I was horrified when I could no longer beat cis boys in games during recess... I was betrayed by my own body, it felt like. Oh well; at least I'm lucky enough to be able to take steps to make it more of a home instead of a hotel!)

Back to the present: the lentil stew turned out great, I had a small bowl with some grated cheese, and the rest is cooling in portions for later. I can't wait for it to cool down enough to put in the fridge, I'm so tired and just want to sleep!
 
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