Floater
Well-known member
Yup. Chugged a liter of water
Floater's diary
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Floater
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I wasn't able to fall asleep after breakfast, I just lounged in bed and let my thoughts run around freely. At 1PM I got up, showered, and had lunch: two boiled eggs and a bowl of polenta with frozen pomegranate seeds, cinnamon, and maple syrup. I'm not particular to sweets, but this was just perfect, and healthy too with plenty of fiber. I got the pomegranate seeds frozen, I need to buy more of that stuff as soon as I find it somewhere!
I'm about to take my short effect ADHD med - the first one since January - let's hope it won't make me anxious but will give me enough of a kick to take out the trash and go water jogging.
I'm about to take my short effect ADHD med - the first one since January - let's hope it won't make me anxious but will give me enough of a kick to take out the trash and go water jogging.
Floater
Well-known member
I understand, the texture is preeeetty hardcore to chew lol. I hope you'll have a decent day despite insomnia, and get to go to bed early tonight!
Floater
Well-known member
Well the pill didn't make me anxious - it knocked me right out and I slept for an hour lol. Maybe I'll start small and just have a snack and take the trash out, then re-evaluate my plans for the evening. After all, as I've said, I was sleep deprived for over a month while caring for Nera.
EDIT: I took the trash out and the streets are covered in ankle-deep sleet. I went back home, ordered a fish burger, onion rings, and mozzarella sticks, and decided that it's fine if I go swimming tomorrow when it's going to be -1 and icy. I just can't deal with this weather, man
EDIT: I took the trash out and the streets are covered in ankle-deep sleet. I went back home, ordered a fish burger, onion rings, and mozzarella sticks, and decided that it's fine if I go swimming tomorrow when it's going to be -1 and icy. I just can't deal with this weather, man
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Floater
Well-known member
I had my burger, mozzarella sticks, and onion rings, took my vitamin supplements, popped another short effect pill (the maxx-out is 20 mg AKA two pills per day), and made a cup of tea. Let's see what will happen. It will either make me drowsy, or it will kick me up a gear in which case I'll be stimulated enough to brave the weather. Either option is fine.
The slightly annoying assistance person is coming tomorrow. At first I thought I'll cancel, but yesterday I was fiddling around with my hoover I thought was broken, but I'm now fairly sure that there's a piece of paper stuck somewhere in the hose. I have tiny raccoon hands and short fingers, so I can't reach it no matter how much I dig around, but the dude might be able to. Nera hated the sound of hoovering so I never got around to fix the issue while she was alive, but while I prefer static cloths and water for maintenance cleaning, hoovering is useful for bigger clean-ups. I'm planning a big spring cleaning, with window washing and all, as soon as the temps rise to +7-10 degrees.
The slightly annoying assistance person is coming tomorrow. At first I thought I'll cancel, but yesterday I was fiddling around with my hoover I thought was broken, but I'm now fairly sure that there's a piece of paper stuck somewhere in the hose. I have tiny raccoon hands and short fingers, so I can't reach it no matter how much I dig around, but the dude might be able to. Nera hated the sound of hoovering so I never got around to fix the issue while she was alive, but while I prefer static cloths and water for maintenance cleaning, hoovering is useful for bigger clean-ups. I'm planning a big spring cleaning, with window washing and all, as soon as the temps rise to +7-10 degrees.
That made me lol. Hope the slightly annoying dude will be less annoying when he's making himself useful.
Floater
Well-known member
Let's hope so!
That second pill lit a fire under my tail, so before I have time to think how much it's gonna suck to brave the ankle-deep sleet, I'll just put my boots on and aquajog for as long as I feel like. 15 minutes beats 0 minutes!
Floater
Well-known member
I aquajogged for 45 mins and it considerably helped my stomach ache. The water pressing gently against my forearms reminded me of how it was to hug and pet Nera and run my fingers through her silky fur. I could have gone on longer, but I was so cold from grief and wanted to hit the sauna before the pool would close.
Some older lady in the sauna started a conversation about the war in Ukraine. I think all of us Finns are shitting bricks because we have such a long and sordid history of getting fucked over by Russia. I'm saying this with my complete sympathy for the Russian people and the Russian soldiers who have died, and their families. It's not their fault that their leader is a power-hungry madman. War knows no winners.
After dressing up, on my way home I got some cherry tomatoes, bananas, a pear, and shredded cheese. I didn't feel like going home when I knew there was no one to wait for me, so I ended up walking for 1,5 hours. In total, that makes 2 hours 30 mins of light to medium intensity cardio (as I also walked to the pool).
I called the help line earlier today and the lady there asked if I have heard Nera's paws rapping on the floor at night. This seems to be an almost universal experience among dog-owners who have lost their pets - I have had that experience as a child, when the family King Charles Spaniel Nuusku, "Sniffles", was put to sleep due to heart issues. With Nera, I haven't had that experience. What I have had is, I notice my body mimicking the ways she stretched, and I still sleep curled up as if she were here to take up space at the foot of my bed. Sometimes I see her in my mind's eye, once in the window of a passing bus, next to my reflection; and often when I'm outside my eye darts to look at her and where she'd be running and rolling if she still were here. I have even smelled her farts lol, but by human standard that's not very dignified speech of the dead.
I did daydream about the shelter dog I've mentioned. If the shelter thinks they can give any dog at all to an outside-the-workforce-autistic person, I know it's going to be a whole different story to essentially rehab a 2-year old dog who's been in the shelter since July 2021, and God knows how she ended up there. Of course, we will have several playdates before, so the shelter folks can evaluate my ability to be a dog-owner, and how well I click with the little rascal. But even if it doesn't happen, I think it's good to live in hope. If it won't be Pihlaja ("Rowan"), it will be another pup in need. I'm in need too; dogs and humans are molded together by millennia of cohabitation, we are symbiotes.
Some older lady in the sauna started a conversation about the war in Ukraine. I think all of us Finns are shitting bricks because we have such a long and sordid history of getting fucked over by Russia. I'm saying this with my complete sympathy for the Russian people and the Russian soldiers who have died, and their families. It's not their fault that their leader is a power-hungry madman. War knows no winners.
After dressing up, on my way home I got some cherry tomatoes, bananas, a pear, and shredded cheese. I didn't feel like going home when I knew there was no one to wait for me, so I ended up walking for 1,5 hours. In total, that makes 2 hours 30 mins of light to medium intensity cardio (as I also walked to the pool).
I called the help line earlier today and the lady there asked if I have heard Nera's paws rapping on the floor at night. This seems to be an almost universal experience among dog-owners who have lost their pets - I have had that experience as a child, when the family King Charles Spaniel Nuusku, "Sniffles", was put to sleep due to heart issues. With Nera, I haven't had that experience. What I have had is, I notice my body mimicking the ways she stretched, and I still sleep curled up as if she were here to take up space at the foot of my bed. Sometimes I see her in my mind's eye, once in the window of a passing bus, next to my reflection; and often when I'm outside my eye darts to look at her and where she'd be running and rolling if she still were here. I have even smelled her farts lol, but by human standard that's not very dignified speech of the dead.
I did daydream about the shelter dog I've mentioned. If the shelter thinks they can give any dog at all to an outside-the-workforce-autistic person, I know it's going to be a whole different story to essentially rehab a 2-year old dog who's been in the shelter since July 2021, and God knows how she ended up there. Of course, we will have several playdates before, so the shelter folks can evaluate my ability to be a dog-owner, and how well I click with the little rascal. But even if it doesn't happen, I think it's good to live in hope. If it won't be Pihlaja ("Rowan"), it will be another pup in need. I'm in need too; dogs and humans are molded together by millennia of cohabitation, we are symbiotes.
Floater
Well-known member
Where's the lie?
Floater
Well-known member
Snack: Brazil nuts, walnuts, and beef jerky. Didn't feel like eating a proper meal but at least this one gave me plenty of protein and healthy fats from the nuts in a small package. The sodium in the jerky hurts my gums and of course it's processed red meat, but if luck will have it, I'll try my best to hit the gym for a light weight lifting session tomorrow.
Floater
Well-known member
I'm pissed. My phone was complaining about running out of storage space so I deleted a few blurry videos from Nera's last morning, thinking they would only be gone from the device, but they got deleted from my Google account too 
I have much better videos of her but... It feels like I accidentally censored our history together. But maybe this is a grief thought? IDK.
I have much better videos of her but... It feels like I accidentally censored our history together. But maybe this is a grief thought? IDK.
Floater
Well-known member
We decided to have an online talk/discussion with the slightly annoying assistance person, and I feel much better now. Of course I have been on edge due to grief, and he apologized for not having communicated successfully. Working with him in the future is going to be much easier now, I appreciate his candor.
I should start packing my gym stuff and have a light lunch soon. I want to hit the gym while it's still light and sunny out.
I don't know if I have mentioned this before, but I am very sensitive to scents, both in the good and the bad sense. Certain perfumes or foods can send me back to good and bad times (I mean, this is true for everyone), but I also like to use this strategically: this or that shower gel or perfume can become a memory cache of sorts. I bought a 30ml bottle of Moschino Pink Fresh Couture last March after a particularly good therapy session, when I felt perfectly trusting towards and accepted by my therapist, and it was the scent I used daily in the weeks prior to Nera's passing and during her remembrance week. After that I switched back to my older bottle of L'Imperatrice by D&G, which I bought after breaking up with my ex - it became a signature scent of my times together with Nera, just the two of us. And today I finally went and ordered a bottle of Mugler's Alien EdT, which I've been wanting to get for over a year, but never found a good enough reason to splurge on it as I still had plenty of the other perfumes left. It was a blind buy so theoretically I might hate it, but I don't think I will. It will help me transition to a life without Nera by my side in her physical form, I think.
It does help that it's wonderfully pretty outside. Bright blue sky and sharp, blue shadows of the trees loitering on the dazzling snow. I dreamt of Nera again, but the dreams become easier to stand and less heart-breaking every time, even though she still dies or disappears in all of them. I try to think of it as her moving between worlds and coming to greet me in my dreams, teaching me with every departure that our physical companionship is over but our link or bond still remains.
I think I'll have two boiled eggs and cold soba noodles with edamame and scallions for lunch. Quick, easy, and nutritious.
I should start packing my gym stuff and have a light lunch soon. I want to hit the gym while it's still light and sunny out.
I don't know if I have mentioned this before, but I am very sensitive to scents, both in the good and the bad sense. Certain perfumes or foods can send me back to good and bad times (I mean, this is true for everyone), but I also like to use this strategically: this or that shower gel or perfume can become a memory cache of sorts. I bought a 30ml bottle of Moschino Pink Fresh Couture last March after a particularly good therapy session, when I felt perfectly trusting towards and accepted by my therapist, and it was the scent I used daily in the weeks prior to Nera's passing and during her remembrance week. After that I switched back to my older bottle of L'Imperatrice by D&G, which I bought after breaking up with my ex - it became a signature scent of my times together with Nera, just the two of us. And today I finally went and ordered a bottle of Mugler's Alien EdT, which I've been wanting to get for over a year, but never found a good enough reason to splurge on it as I still had plenty of the other perfumes left. It was a blind buy so theoretically I might hate it, but I don't think I will. It will help me transition to a life without Nera by my side in her physical form, I think.
It does help that it's wonderfully pretty outside. Bright blue sky and sharp, blue shadows of the trees loitering on the dazzling snow. I dreamt of Nera again, but the dreams become easier to stand and less heart-breaking every time, even though she still dies or disappears in all of them. I try to think of it as her moving between worlds and coming to greet me in my dreams, teaching me with every departure that our physical companionship is over but our link or bond still remains.
I think I'll have two boiled eggs and cold soba noodles with edamame and scallions for lunch. Quick, easy, and nutritious.