Floater's diary

Glad to hear you found something soothing to eat.
If you read back the last couple of pages of your diary you'll see that the timing of Nera's euthanasia was close to perfect. It's normal to doubt yourself right now. And with the trans clinic: getting a new perspective can't be a bad thing. You'll figure it out and in the end you'll be all the more certain of what the right thing is for you.
 
Llama said:
Glad to hear you found something soothing to eat.
If you read back the last couple of pages of your diary you'll see that the timing of Nera's euthanasia was close to perfect. It's normal to doubt yourself right now. And with the trans clinic: getting a new perspective can't be a bad thing. You'll figure it out and in the end you'll be all the more certain of what the right thing is for you.
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LaMa said almost exactly what I was about to :grouphug:
 
Today has been better than I feared based on how I slept - I had nightmares where Nera was alive and I initially got overjoyed, but then on both times she started to suffer and died/vanished, and I felt sad but relieved.

I did sweat quite a bit during the night but it's probably my body adjusting. I had noodles for breakfast and wieners and potatoes for lunch. Washed the dishes, changed my bedsheets and did laundry. I think I'll allow myself to stay in bed today. After today I'll try to get back into my routines.

Assistance was 1,5hrs too early and when we tried to use the car, it got stuck. I decided to end the session early so he had time to dig the car out. Tbh I also wasn't in the mood to deal with the dude, he often seems like a worse scatterbrain than me, and never remembers important stuff about my life and health. He's fun, but I'm not in the mood for that.
 
I'm having Turkish yogurt with fig jam and feeling lonely, sad, and annoyed.

At least I found something that made me laugh today. I've been watching a YouTube channel "Fundie Fridays", which provides analysis about Christian fundamentalist cults, and they did an episode about Chick Tracts, little comics that are essentially fundamentalist Christian propaganda and, shall we say, not very high ecclesiastic in their theology. I'm pretty sure I saw either some of those translated when I was a kid, or then some Finnish sect had copied the idea. I found a blog that has archived and (snarkily) analyzed most if not all existing Chick Tracts (the artist, Jack Chick, is dead). I don't know if anyone else finds this amusing, but I do.

https://jackchick.wordpress.com/2019/11/04/chick-tract-review-bewitched/#more-670
 
Fundie Fridays is amazing! Their Jill Rodrigues Halloween special was hilarious.
Sounds like your night sweats may have had to do with drinking more alcohol than normal for a week and then quitting?
 
Llama said:
Fundie Fridays is amazing! Their Jill Rodrigues Halloween special was hilarious.
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Totally :D

Llama said:
Sounds like your night sweats may have had to do with drinking more alcohol than normal for a week and then quitting?
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Most likely, yeah (EDIT that's what I meant by "my body adjusting", my dopamine levels etc must be preeetty fried right now). I do get night sweats from PTSD, too, but the fact that I recovered after a night tells me it was probably from drinking more, quitting, and dealing with the accumulative hangover. (My bouts of PTSD usually take several nights and days to clear.)

I had a bit of potato chips just now and have drank lots of water and tea today to fix the dehydration of my mourning week. I'll try to eat something warm before bed, too. I've taken potassium+magnesium supplements in the hopes that it might help my muscles relax a bit, and at least I haven't been clenching my teeth as much today.

While my grief was brutal this morning, I think it's good I allowed myself a day of staying mostly inside and just taking out my recyclables. Staying in the empty home helps me realize that my life really is permanently changed. I think I'll sleep soundly tonight.
 
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I hope you do sleep better & don't dream much. I think it's a good idea that you put aside a week of mourning. I'm not sure I could do that, but I still think it's a good idea to devote that time to grieving.
 
No night sweats this night but I was so ANGRY and couldn't bring myself to relax. I'm so sad about my loss that I just want to stay inside and lick my wounds. It feels unfair that the world around me goes on as usual when I have lost someone so unique and special.

I just woke up to a nightmare. I was a video game character and had to rescue my war buddy from the bottom of the ocean, where she lay drowning. I managed to give her my oxygen and swim to a battleship, and as we boarded, we turned into regular me and Nera. The waves hit high and the boat was unstable. I tried to call her inside, to safety with me, but was helpless to help her and had to watch her slide to the edge and woke up a millisecond before her body slid overboard. She was facing me with panic in her eyes.
 
I know the stages of grief don't necessarily all show up, stick to a specific order, or stay gone once they've passed, but anger is a normal part of grief. And so is your subconscious wondering whether or not you could've done anything differently or better :grouphug:
 
I'm so proud of myself today. Breakfast was instant noodles, but lunch was hummus and rucola wraps with hot sauce and a tiny bit of potato chips for chrunch. I prepped the ingredients for tomato soup, I'll have that for dinner. My stomach is still upset after weeks of staying up to care for Nera, but it's getting better.
 
The tomato soup turned out OK. The leftovers will probably taste richer tomorrow.

I had a cup of coffee and some chocolate before cooking. I think I want to take my last recyclables out and have just a little walk. After that I'll watch something, shower, and go to bed.
 
I did take the recyclables out, and my friend contacted me ex tempore and we are soon going for another walk. It's -8 outside, no windbite.
 
I'm glad you were able to have some healthy food & an unexpected walk with a friend. Minus 8 without wind would be bearable I guess, but I am such a wimp in the cold. Brrr.
 
Yesterday I had been looking at dogs at my nearest shelter, and there was one who might be a good fit. I felt really guilty - like I'm "cheating" on Nera's memory, but then I fell asleep and had the following dream:

Me and Nera were staying at a hotel in Töölö, Helsinki. She disappeared and wouldn't answer my calls, so I went out running in the streets and asked the police to help, too. After some frantic running and searching it occurred to me that Nera might have died and be hiding under the bed in our room. I went back to the hotel, which now had a huge temple-like atrium, and I found a guest book in there. It was open at a page that stated "KUOLLEET VIERAAT" ("dead guests"). The second highest name on the list read "NERA-KOIRA", ("Nera the dog"), and I broke down crying. Nera appeared in the room next to me, I dropped on my knees and kissed and hugged her and gently stroked her silky black fur. A sense of goodness and acceptance was emanating off of her, and I felt consoled. Her fur began to feel different and her body seemed to shirink in size; when I opened my eyes, I saw that she now had brownish fur with dark tips. I realized that Nera will always stay with me, but this was her way of giving me permission to give a home to another angel.

When I woke up, I filled out the form for the dog I had been looking at yesterday. She's a two-year old, 20kg spitz mix, and according to the shelter she's very energetic and loves the outdoors. Her name is Pihlaja, "Rowan". The shelter will respond to me in a month and hopefully I'll get to go meet her there to see if we are a good fit.

I cleaned up my garbage cabinet and washed the containers, wiped the floors, and had pasta with hummus, arugula and brazil nuts for breakfast. I have a feeling that Nera is smiling at me and approving of what I did. It's of course still unsure if the shelter will think that we are a good fit, but let's hope! It's not an insult to Nera's memory to give a home to someone else who needs it.
 
How lovely! Love increases with sharing. If the time is right you'll meet the right dog and if the time isn't right the folks at the shelter will notice. I think it's a good thing that you're giving life a chance to surprise you.
 
Had two quesadillas, a walk with my priest, and a bowl of tomato soup with cheese. Also boiled six eggs for later and packed my swimming gear. I hope I'll see Nera in my dreams tonight.
 
I was super hungry for protein so I just had two boiled eggs and 200g of Turkish yogurt with fig jam for a bedtime snack. I'll buy some fruit and veg on my way back home from the pool, this stuff is going to sit in my tummy like a brick lol.
 
You must be so thirsty after that!
 
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