Floater's diary

She taught me how to love myself. That will never go away for as long as I live - and who knows, maybe even longer.
If we could all see ourselves the way dogs see us we would be in a much better place. Dogs are very good judges of people's characters I think. I'm really glad you are looking after yourself well xo
 
If we could all see ourselves the way dogs see us we would be in a much better place. Dogs are very good judges of people's characters I think. I'm really glad you are looking after yourself well xo
Yes. My life from now on will be an homage to her. A work of art. I love her so.
 
Today was wicked hard. I had wanted to go swimming and take Nera there with me in spirit, but I spent the day waiting for her urn. Eating was hard, but I did do it. I had some daytime nightmares that would make Carl Jung cream his pants. Sorry about the crude expression, I have my flaws.

Nera's urn arrived on Wed at 9PM. I had been so fucked up and anxious for the whole day, but when the urn got here, I felt relief. It's beautiful. The middle-aged lady who brought it told me that I had given Nera a good home. She warned me that the urn was heavy. While I was holding and petting the urn she asked me if I have any other pets in the apartment, and I could only shake my head slowly to say no. She told me: "One day, please take another." And while now is not the time and I need time and space to mourn, she said it with complete sincerity. It wasn't just something scripted that folks who deal with grief say; it was honest. Then she left.

I cried as I held and kissed the urn but I also felt relief. My baby is home again and she's resting in the same spot she slept and died in. While I know the urn is not her, it has something of her, and it helps soothe me in the middle of this grief.
 
Thank you @Llama and @Cate for all your support.

Today I had the first interview with the "terrifying sex nurse" of the trans clinic affiliation, and while it was rough, she wasn't that bad actually. I like to think that Nera gave me some extra courage, charisma, and pizazz. I also had Bible study group online and it really helped me process this loss; death is holy too. So the day was full and I'm tired, but I'm alive, and Nera is carried within. I have therapy tomorrow at 1PM so I try to not stay up too late.

I had sushi and some vodka energy drinks today, but this is how I grieve I guess. I watched Disenchantment on Netflix, I remember when I used to watch it with Nera and my ex. We always joked that the main characters - the tomboy princess Bean, the demon Lucy, and the elf Elfo - were just like our little family. Seriously we even had the resemblance of those cartoon characters. It helps to be able to laugh and reminisce good times in the depths of this loss.
 
Terrifying Sex Nurse already lost 10% of her health bar: you've got this! Glad to hear it wasn't TOO bad though.
I fucking love this, thanks Llama <3 I legit LOLd. I'll kill her with kindness and my bard boy Char stats.

EDIT: No! I am definitely a Warlock by DnD rules; I mean, it's kind of obvious isn't it...

EDIT of an edit: Warlocks also max out on Charisma, I mean if you want to do a viable character build, if memory serves.
 
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I had therapy today. I ate a sandwich during the session and cried, of course. But like the therapist said, this is healthy grief/mourning. My loss is terrible but it was also natural. Nera had a full life, filled to the brim with love and care until the moment of her death. After therapy I had fried chicken. I only ate one meal yesterday and it definitely did make me feel worse, also intensified the grief and lethargy, so today I'll try to stick to a better meal routine (even if the food may not be the healthiest).

Strangely enough, I also feel a sense of relief. I know for sure that Nera's health and pain was managed until the end as well as I could, and now I never need to worry about her well-being anymore. When I think about her, even when I look at her urn, I remember her as the graceful and eccentric, smart and tender lady that she was. And goofy too, of course. But I remember her smiling at me with her eyes and her relaxed body, and I smile right back whenever I remember her. I loved and love her so. I'm at peace.
 
I think you have done really well with decision making about Nera & dealing with the grief of having to lose her. She deserves to be remembered with a smile 🐶❤️
 
I had deep-fried shrimp and a spring roll for breakfast. Nera loved deep fried shrimp. I had assistance come over and he said that the atmosphere in the apartment seems serene. It is. While I'm grieving and all the whats and ifs keep whacking me in the face, in my heart I know this was the right choice and unavoidable.

I didn't have appetite for lunch or snacks but I just walked to the gas station to get a burger and four nuggets. Horrible choices health-wise, I know, but I was fondly remembering all our gas station walks as I walked there, and I enjoyed that trash even though the burger had clearly been sitting on the hot plate for a while.
 
A small burger and a couple of nuggets are far from the worst choice for a meal, especially when you're struggling. Yeah, they have too much salt and saturated fat but as long as the portion size is near-correct that's it. At least it has a good bit of protein, which is more than can be said about some of my recent food days. Fed ist best, and fed with protein is even better :p
 
I think I have found the words for my grief now. The emotion will be here now and probably for as long as I live... But.

My personal understanding of God is that they is an entity separate from material reality, yet as the creator of it, God's fingerprints are all over this world. Not just humans or animals or the Earth, but the whole shebang. And when folks talk about "god's laws", they usually refer to arbitrary, human moral codes. God's laws do exist and they are somewhat bigger: gravity, time, radiation of various sorts. They are also somewhat smaller: eating, shitting, loving, and founding families - in all the various forms that these present in the Nature, humanity included. Science and God do not clash, as God gave us the ability to work things out, in our limited ways but still. God wishes us to be free.

Personally, I believe and hope that as some day my time draws near, as my clock runs out, as my body can no longer support my spirit... I pray that I can view my approaching passing as a bird who flies to his/her/it's nest, with a juicy worm in it's beak and a story to tell. My life is an homage to the Creator, and so was Nera's, and I want to return with good tidings, some day.
 
Eating and existing was super hard today, as I knew that the last day of Nera's remembrance week was here and I only had one more chance to write something meaningful about her. But when I got it done, it did help. Tomorrow I'll publish some photos from her last month, but I'll no longer choose a song and write a text for her. The grief needs to evolve into something quieter, more private. Nera will become a shadow of mine and she'll will only get sharper and more focused as the spring progresses, and the dark and quiet that I and Nera both loved so will morph into the brightness and loudness of spring and summer.

This was today's song, the last of the remembrance week:


"Can you walk on the water if I, you and I?
Because your blood's running cold outside the familiar true to life
Can you walk on the water if I, you and I?
Or keep your eyes on the road and live in the familiar
without you and I
It glows with gates of gold true to life
---
We took a walk to the summit at night, you and I
To burn a hole in the old grip of the familiar true to life
And the dark was opening wide, do or die
Under a mask of vermilion ruling eyes"
 
Spring may be loud but it starts very quietly, in autumn, when trees take what they can from their leaves before discarding them and starting to build the buds that'll produce the growth of the new year. All winter long they slowly develop and swell until just a few warmer days are enough for them to burst open with joy. Winter is coldest just before spring.
 
Spring may be loud but it starts very quietly, in autumn, when trees take what they can from their leaves before discarding them and starting to build the buds that'll produce the growth of the new year. All winter long they slowly develop and swell until just a few warmer days are enough for them to burst open with joy. Winter is coldest just before spring.
Thank you, Llama. We living things wax and wane in the rhythm of all creation.

The sunny pic was taken by my ex a couple of years ago when we lived in a different place. Nera's tongue and her frozen snout-beard look so fun. The dark pic was taken by me the morning of her death. I think it manifests very well why my ex and I used to call her a gargoyle. She has that impressive, dark energy in the visual sense, although in person she was the most tender girl to ever tread this Earth.

I'll soon take her for a spirit walkie and then hold my hand on her urn as I wait to fall asleep. Losing her is a fucking nightmare but I have a lot to look forward to in life with her shadow by my side.
 

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That is a beautiful poem :beating:
I wish I would have created it myself, but it's from the Agnes Obel song I linked above. Still, it's poetry.

I saw a lone fox on my night walk. I watched it run on the fields in search for food. I wish he or she has a great springtime... If memory serves, foxes live solitary lives outside of mating season. So either there's going to be cuddly fox cubs somewhere in my old haunts this spring, or the dude will keep on rolling to help create a new generation with a vixen next spring.

Apparently the poor demon dog from my apartment complex is either dead, or sick and hauled somewhere. The elevator and my whole floor stinks of anal gland secretions. I'm sad for the poor black lab, but also glad that Nera got to go without stress and fear (these make dogs release the content of their anal glands). Nera didn't even release her bladder or bowels after passing, as she had had a walkie just before the vet arrived. I mean, it's not like these things are ever controlled, but I do feel a sad sense of pride about her life and her death.
 
Today I have had severe anxiety thoughts about whether or not I booked the euthanasia too early, but I'm sure those thoughts will come and go for a while and eventually pass. I picked up antihistamines from the pharmacy, because I need to get sober now in anticipation for my upcoming doctor's visit in case he wants me to do labwork, and I also don't want to use Nera's death as an excuse to drink. Being buzzed helped me cope during her memorial week, but I have to move on onto healthier coping mechanisms. On the same trip I dropped off Nera's old medicines to be discarded properly. It eats me up that the pharmacist was rude, but...

I ate the rest of my Thai food earlier and should eat something else soon. I think I'll make tomato-egg drop soup. The weather sucks ass, -2 and a blizzard. My teeth hurt so bad from weeks of clenching, I'm glad I have a dentist's appointment on 31.3.

Maybe it's from the trauma from losing my best friend, but somehow all the trans clinic stuff just seems so unnecessary to me right now. Of course I'm not going to fuck it up, I want to keep medical transitioning as an option, but I also feel like watching her soul leave her body has changed the way I see my own. It feels useless to try and fix my skin suit, only to be parted from it. Maybe I'm also traumatized about Nera having had to go through the tooth operation that the results of she didn't get to enjoy for long. I'm a dude inside anyway, why should I care how my body is perceived by others?

EDIT: nope, I decided to make roasted potatoes and wieners because that's the lowest effort food I have available, and my inner child needs soothing now.
 
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