Floater's diary
- Thread starter Floater
- Start date
Floater
Well-known member
Thank you Cate. I appreciate that you shared your experiences. Our love won't disappear, it will just change form.That is beautiful & I think you are making the right decision with putting Nera first.
Floater
Well-known member
I don´t really know what to say so I´ll just leave a hug
Floater
Well-known member
I wish I could see it that way. I feel like me crying less now is selfishness. But she HAS deteriorated. I called the vet's office today about palliative pain meds (opiates?) and/or a sedative to give her relief / ensure it during her the days prior passing. She'll call me back tomorrow.I have nothing but admiration for you putting Nera's needs ahead of your own. That is true selflessness.
Five days left until the date.
Floater
Well-known member
She was tired on our night walk. I just woke up and took her to pee and I'm clinging onto hope so hard you can't imagine. I spooned her and told her how much I love her every part. What if I'm robbing her of spring and birdsong?
But... I know she has tumors and tremors. She can still jog and gallop, but something about how she moves herself has changed.
I think I'll remember every whorl of her coat. Where it was thick and coarse, where it was smooth and silky, and where it was short and velvety. How her ears bounce when you play with them.
Is there anything I can do for her? I feel like I'm dying with her.
But... I know she has tumors and tremors. She can still jog and gallop, but something about how she moves herself has changed.
I think I'll remember every whorl of her coat. Where it was thick and coarse, where it was smooth and silky, and where it was short and velvety. How her ears bounce when you play with them.
Is there anything I can do for her? I feel like I'm dying with her.
You can love her fiercely, which you do, and hold her memory, which you will.
Do you know the story of the perfect heart?
https://paulocoelhoblog.com/2010/10/04/readers-story-the-perfect-heart/
You will. But as the good times get fewer the bad times get more. Nature doesn´t do neat, fenced-off categories. It´s humans trying to to sort everything into boxes. So there is no perfect time to do it. There´s just a time that´s definitely too early - and I think you´ve passed that - and a time that´s definitely too late - which isn´t here yet. You´re doing great, even if it doesn´t feel that way.
Floater
Well-known member
@Llama thank you. You are right. On our morning walkie I noticed her being unusually tired and cold even though it's just barely below zero outside. She also wants to pull to my ex's house. So I decided that he'll be present in the euthanasia. We have talked about it before and I do feel a bit conflicted to have him there, but for Nera it's the best, because I know she misses him.
PS the vet prescribed her Neurontin (gabapentin), but I don't think I'll pick up that recipe as it's a drug that usually takes several weeks to work, and Nera has five days left now, and it can make dogs drowsy and confused. I don't want her mental state to decay in her last days, or any of the worse side effects, as the complete payoff of starting the drug wouldn't even be reached within the time she has left.
I feel like we are still at a point where the Metacam alleviates her worst symptoms - she hasn't had accidents ever since it was started - and I can alleviate her stress by touching her, gently massaging her back and legs, holding her and talking to her whenever I notice her getting restless. After all, it's been shown that in humans also having a safe connection to a safe person can alleviate the experience of pain even though the tissue damage etc. is still there. The things I do to calm her down are also something that we've been doing since the start. I think she appreciates that I keep life going on as similar to normal as possible. There's a touch of holiness in how I see her react to my soothing touch and words.
PS: I canceled the oncologist. It felt like a relief, as bad as that may sound. I swept the floors and will soon wash them. I'll change the sheets into the prettiest I have, now that she no longer has accidents, and the we'll have five more days to share.
PS the vet prescribed her Neurontin (gabapentin), but I don't think I'll pick up that recipe as it's a drug that usually takes several weeks to work, and Nera has five days left now, and it can make dogs drowsy and confused. I don't want her mental state to decay in her last days, or any of the worse side effects, as the complete payoff of starting the drug wouldn't even be reached within the time she has left.
I feel like we are still at a point where the Metacam alleviates her worst symptoms - she hasn't had accidents ever since it was started - and I can alleviate her stress by touching her, gently massaging her back and legs, holding her and talking to her whenever I notice her getting restless. After all, it's been shown that in humans also having a safe connection to a safe person can alleviate the experience of pain even though the tissue damage etc. is still there. The things I do to calm her down are also something that we've been doing since the start. I think she appreciates that I keep life going on as similar to normal as possible. There's a touch of holiness in how I see her react to my soothing touch and words.
PS: I canceled the oncologist. It felt like a relief, as bad as that may sound. I swept the floors and will soon wash them. I'll change the sheets into the prettiest I have, now that she no longer has accidents, and the we'll have five more days to share.
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Floater
Well-known member
A disgusting, dog-hating neighbour lashed at me when I took Nera for a quick pee. It was stressful for Nera but I stood my ground. I yelled at the shitbag that I've been taking care of Nera for 11,5 years and she'll die on Monday. I swear I wanted to take the fat bastard down from his, probably formerly impressive, 2m height and give him a good choke. I think he saw it in my eyes, even with me wearing eyeshadow and lipstick, in my comfortable baggy pants and wearing flipflops. He shied away into the corridor.
Fuck anyone who insults or discomforts my dying girl.
EDIT the guy is in his sixties and has a 20+ year old Cambodian ex wife and a young girl who really likes Nera. I think this paints a picture.
Fuck anyone who insults or discomforts my dying girl.
EDIT the guy is in his sixties and has a 20+ year old Cambodian ex wife and a young girl who really likes Nera. I think this paints a picture.
Floater
Well-known member
Today's morning walkie.
I am so sick and sore about this decision. I know it's silly that I write about this on a weight loss forum. But hey, she is such a huge part of my life and she has influence over that too.
We walked to the burger place with an assistance person and she got nuggets. I had a nap after, then cleaned up. I am at peace with this decision and this loss, as horrid s it is.
I am so sick and sore about this decision. I know it's silly that I write about this on a weight loss forum. But hey, she is such a huge part of my life and she has influence over that too.
We walked to the burger place with an assistance person and she got nuggets. I had a nap after, then cleaned up. I am at peace with this decision and this loss, as horrid s it is.
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Good to hear she´s an ex. Poor woman, having to live with a §%&@! like that. I hope yelling at him at least got rid of some stress for you.
Mental health is one of the main players in physical health, so...
Floater
Well-known member
Me and my girl at lake Kuusijärvi today. She didn't want to walk the whole route anymore, we turned back as soon as she showed discomfort.
We also had a walkie with our neighbor and her tiny little dog who has been really scared of Nera up until this point. Now the tiny one was super excited to sniff Nera and gave her kisses.
I feel like I can't touch her enough. But I also know I'm constantly by her side. She's sleeping now. She's calm.
We also had a walkie with our neighbor and her tiny little dog who has been really scared of Nera up until this point. Now the tiny one was super excited to sniff Nera and gave her kisses.
I feel like I can't touch her enough. But I also know I'm constantly by her side. She's sleeping now. She's calm.
