Floater's diary

When I put this date anywhere it keeps coming up with the number 8 as an auspicious number. I don't believe in astrology either. Chinese astrology is interesting though. 2009 was the year of the Ox.
  • "According to numerology algorithm, the life path number for the ones born on 13 Nov 2009 is 8."
 
I feel like I'm starting to lose my grip from reality. Nera keeps having accidents and now her appetite is lower, too. On the other hand I just can't see her as anything else than what she's been to me for all these years: my perfect, beautiful angel. I'll pick up some pain meds for her today, the vet gave her a phone prescription. I also booked an animal oncologist for her on 18.2., the earliest date I could get one. I KNOW it's futile. But I just can't imagine picking up the phone and setting the date for the euthanasia without turning every stone.
 
Llama said:
:grouphug: I'm so sorry, Floater. I appreciate you checking in despite everything.
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This community has been so helpful to me in this grief. I truly want to thank you all.

I just shared another steak with Nera. We had it extra rare and I ate it with my bare hands like a wildebeest, just cutting up more fascia-rich parts for Nera to make sure she won't have issues digesting it. As fugly as our table manners were, there was something liberating about the experience. Every time I threw her a piece, I felt so alive and in the moment. This was something we got to share and enjoy. THIS is not futile. Our love will go on in some form, always.
 
Llama said:
I´m convinced Nera loved it as much as you did ❤️ BUT I have to remain pedantic 🙈

Wildebeest/gnu are vegetarian 🙈
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Yes! Gnu are ruminating grass-eaters, but the old term wildebeest has been recycled to refer to a person of size. Often with racist/sexist undertones. I feel like I am in the position to reclaim it: I ate like an animal. 🐃
 
Floater said:
I want her final mile to be full of love and fun.
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This is such a kind & loving sentiment & I'm sure you can do that for her.
Oh, Floater. I remember you saying that you wouldn't put Nera through chemo. Seeing an oncologist will be so expensive & will add to your stress. Our son's dog had virtually no chance of survival & his last day cost R over $2,000 just at the local vet & a lot of lost hope. I'm quite sure he knew that it was futile, but at the last minute wanted to hang on to A for a bit longer. I think we know when it's time, deep in our hearts. It took over a week for me to convince G that our last old little dog was suffering & it was time & I think we left it a week late. She was 17. She's still deep in my heart & always will be. I loved that little dog so much & thought I would never get another.
I hope you don't think I am being out of order. You will do whatever you think is best for Nera :grouphug:
 
@Cate you are completely right. The oncologist appointment wouldn't be for chemo, but for finding out how bad the situation is via ultrasound. I can still cancel it, too.
 
Cate said:
I hope you don't think I am being out of order. You will do whatever you think is best for Nera :grouphug:
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Not at all, don't worry. I kind of am just... Looking for courage to book the euthanasia. I went to buy her the pain meds but didn't get her new eye meds. I have a feeling that they are no longer necessary. It doesn't matter that they are a bit old. Of course if she starts to scratch her eyes etc, I'll get her new ones, but...
 
I had a friend over. We bawled about Nera. She said she feels a difference in/about her. It helped me feel less like a murderer.

I haven't canceled the oncologist yet. But I'm thinking that dying on Valentine's would be kind of cool.
 
You are being kind, not cruel. I'm glad you have friends & assistance people who can help support you through this. You are working your way through your grief in a healthy way. Nera is one very lucky dog :grouphug:
 
I called the euthanasia vet today, again. Didn't book it yet, asked about the procedure and timing. Felt heard.

I've been sailing from fits of physical pain and crying to feeling calm and present for Nera.

A list of her symptoms that appeared or worsened during 2021:

Legs shivering.
Stretching a lot: mostly legs, occasionally "prayer position".
Summer heat was unusually hard on her.
Sitting down when let to run free during nature walkies.
Slight incontinence towards the end of the year.

2022:
Worsening incontinence after tooth procedure.
Unusually friendly towards strange humans and pets. Distraction from the pain maybe?
Unusually thirsty, a very high appetite.
Restless: switches resting place from my bed to next to it more often than usual.
Pain grimaces. These show very rarely, but it's a bad sign.

I know what I have to do. Now I just need to set the date. I wonder if Valentine's is too soon? A week from now...

I think I'll use my nursing school knowledge and write down her behaviors daily. Today we had one enthusiastic walkie and two slow ones. The slippery icy roads don't help either...
 
Llama said:
That must have been so hard. Glad to hear you felt heard though. Things are tough enough the way they are.
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Yeah, she was really professional and kind. She supported my decision based on what I told her.

When I visited my ex-in-laws, my ex's brother was visiting. He put it really well: a dog can't give me a pain scale and I can't battle time. I think it would be kind of nice for Nera to die on Valentine's. She was born on 13.11.2009, came to live with me in August 2010, and would then pass on 14.2.2022. I would always celebrate her on Valentine's.

I want to share a pic I took on our trip to the oak forest in January. Rationally I know that the apparition in the photo is due to optics, not magic, but it looks like Nera's soul is starting to separate from her body. When I first saw it, I felt like it was an "etiäinen", an omen of death or a warning about misfortune in the horizon. In Finnish culture, the "etiäinen" isn't usually something one can avoid. But it can also be a positive, soothing apparition of a loved one visiting and informing the receiver of their passing. It is said that family members would know of their loved ones passing in the war or in accidents in this manner. Again, the rational mind says that people with high anxiety tend to be right about catastrophes at times because that's all we can think about. But I choose to give this picture my own meaning.
 

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She will get an urn made of trembling aspen, painted black. There are plenty of aspens around and their undulations and murmurs have always felt close to me. They remind me of my talkative, happy girl who used to tremble from excitement like she now does from pain. I can remember her every time I pass an aspen. I'll keep the urn next to my bed for as long as it feels right, so that I may touch what's left of her mortal shell. Then it will migrate on top of my beautiful black cabinet next to my Buddha statue and confirmation cross. maybe I'll scatter the ashes eventually, maybe I'll keep them. Time will show me what's right.
 
Llama said:
:grouphug: That's beautiful, Floater.
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Thank you. Now that the decision is done, going back, thinking about her symptoms... The bartering with fate and time is over. From now on I can focus on her and I have a concrete plan and the finish line is in sight, no more worrying about her having to suffer in silence.

My friend who was here yesterday said that when her old cat was euthanized, she felt at peace that she could easily roam the places the cat had roamed cold and sick. I know I will feel Nera close to me.
 
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