Floater's diary

I'm a pathological optimist so I hope it'll be benign and can be removed easily :grouphug: I can't imagine how you're feeling right now but I'm so glad your friends are there for you.
 
Llama said:
I'm a pathological optimist so I hope it'll be benign and can be removed easily :grouphug: I can't imagine how you're feeling right now but I'm so glad your friends are there for you.
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I adore your optimism, but as Nera has had odd, mild symptoms for a while, my gut says she has an abdominal tumor that presses on her kidney/urinary tracts which has lead to her slowly getting more and more incontinent as time has progressed. I'm not blaming myself. I had regular contact to the vet. The tumor on her side is very flat, hard to notice by looking or normal pet owner body checks. I was probably in a heightened state due to my stress and worry, so that's why I could spot the slight visual difference between her sides.

Anyone who knows us knows that me and her share something special. It won't be lost even when we pass. She's just going a bit sooner than me. EDIT by a bit I mean decades, I'm not suicidal. But decades = a bit when compared to eternity
 
Oh, Floater, you are such a good, loving dog parent & I think you have a great attitude towards giving Nera the best quality of life she can have in whatever life she has left. When she does go she will know that she was well-loved & what more does anyone want or need? Sending you lots of love & strength xoxo
 
Distracting myself: but whyyyy do Ritz crackers contain sugar? I thought they were saltines. In any case, Castillo blue cheese and Ritz crackers will from now on be my forever safe mourning food. I kinda hate the combo but I know I will always associate it with this safe haven between bouts of pain when I can actually eat.

I took Nera for a long walk. She looks so fit and good and happy. I want to keep her like this and keep her from becoming the opposite.

I'm in a heightened state, again. Lots of thoughts. But I feel such gratitude. Nera helped me through my youth, she'll always be with me. She's a huge part of me. She is who she is.
 
Lab results show no anomalies... Which sounds good but in reality means that Nera's symptoms are most likely due to the tumor(s). I did book her an appointment to an oncologist but I also called a mobile vet clinic that does home euthanasias. I know I sound like a monster but the latter option is what my heart feels is right. I'd rather murder her than hang on to hope and have her suffer in silence, with no way of communicating her pain.

I knew this would be hard but I hardly recognize myself.
 
I think it's sensible to know your options but the way you described her behavior yesterday I'd say she isn't suffering yet, right?
 
Llama said:
I think it's sensible to know your options but the way you described her behavior yesterday I'd say she isn't suffering yet, right?
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Well... I do notice little changes, like pain grimaces and she has lower energy than usual. The autism assistance person confirmed what I'm seeing. Something is off with my loved one.

I think that the brave and just thing is to let her go, rather a little bit too early than a minute late. It hurts like nothing I've ever had to go through, but I am her shepherd. I will talk this through with my priest and probably book the euthanasia for the next week. She will live on with me and we will meet again when I join her in the afterlife as an old geezer.
 
You would know Nera better than anyone else. You are very brave & very kind & have her best interests at heart I'm sure. R's dog went from running around like a puppy to total kidney collapse in a day & had been really good at disguising his illness. I admire your bravery, Floater xo
 
I have obviously felt quite miserable today. I need to fight false hope. I went to the supermarket and got a haul of sweet treats. I also ordered Thai food and shared tempura shrimps with Nera. I need to set the date soon. I would love to do it on my birthday in late March, but I have the feeling it's way too late. I think February has to be it. I would love to do it on Valentine's, but can't physically make the call yet. I won't be tardy with this though.

One of my favorite assistance workers had thought about us during last night and agreed to be there for the euthanasia. She said it's a respect thing for her. I feel so supported by people around me. Nera is so loved by so many.
 
Floater said:
One of my favorite assistance workers had thought about us during last night and agreed to be there for the euthanasia. She said it's a respect thing for her. I feel so supported by people around me. Nera is so loved by so many.
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I think it´s amazing that you can find positives even in this tough time :grouphug: You´re one tough cookie.
 
Llama said:
I think it´s amazing that you can find positives even in this tough time :grouphug: You´re one tough cookie.
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This sorrow is immense and I get super odd physical symptoms from it, like my vision isn't working properly at times, and I feel like there's a 50kg weight on my chest. But this is the natural progression of life. It's so hard to balance between hope and despair but also... Nera will be with me forever and she has been the light of my life for 11,5 years. Everyone knows how well cared for she has been. She is so loved, and she has spent her golden years with me here with her all the time due to the pandemic. Facing eternity FUCKING SUCKS but she has had an enviable end stretch to her life, all that a dog could want for. :grouphug:
 
I entered a church event online and then went and bought two entrecote steaks for us. I'm sure Nera will love that stuff.
 
Floater said:
One of my favorite assistance workers had thought about us during last night and agreed to be there for the euthanasia. She said it's a respect thing for her. I feel so supported by people around me. Nera is so loved by so many.
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That is such a loving & respectful thing to do. What a special person :beating:
I just tried finding some auspicious dog dates in Feb but fell down a rabbit hole of Chinese horoscopes. Do you know Nera's birth date? I have always tried to forget the dates any of my family or dogs died if I can. I can always look it up in or on my calendars by going to their birthdays, but prefer not to feel so sad on the anniversaries of the day of their death. Some are firmly imprinted.
Hope you both enjoy those steaks xo
 
Cate said:
That is such a loving & respectful thing to do. What a special person :beating:
I just tried finding some auspicious dog dates in Feb but fell down a rabbit hole of Chinese horoscopes. Do you know Nera's birth date? I have always tried to forget the dates any of my family or dogs died if I can. I can always look it up in or on my calendars by going to their birthdays, but prefer not to feel so sad on the anniversaries of the day of their death. Some are firmly imprinted.
Hope you both enjoy those steaks xo
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She was born on 13.11.2009. I would actually really like an auspicious date for her passing. Not that I believe in astrology, but these kinds of things can really help to set the date and so on. <3
 
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