Floater's diary

[Floater]

Other dogs know, too. I talked to two different dog owners today and both said their dogs react very differently to a big black dog than they usually would. It's like they respect Nera, they wind down and give her sweet greetings but don't engage in play. This helps me in a way.

A famous zen koan goes: "Does a dog possess a Buddha nature?" The answer is yes, but with zen koans, the question matters most. Ruminating on it, finding out what it really means. I feel like I have embodied that koan now. Nera has been my teacher as much as she was my beloved pet; and I always knew this. She was so respected throughout her life. I'm proud of her and of who she made me into.

 

[Llama]

It´s a bit like every story in which a young hero loses his mentor and it´s is the moment he comes into his own. Except it´s real and therefore much harder.

 

[Floater]

My friend E was over and we had a nice walkie and a feast of Chinese food. Nera got the tails of our fried shrimp and it really felt like we were dining together, not like we were throwing scraps at a pet. She was very interested in our main courses as well, but those were too spicy for her, so she got a hot dog instead. My friend thanked me for the opportunity and we planned to visit all Nera's favorite places when the spring and summer roll around.

I have prepared the apartment so that everything is clean and nice and beautiful for tomorrow. I'll give the floors a quick wipe with just water tomorrow morning and light up a little candle while we are waiting for the vet to come after our last walkie.

I doubt I'll be able to eat before the euthanasia so we'll have our last steak feast tonight I think. We still have cheese and hot dogs and yummy kibble for tomorrow morning and those are much easier for the people present there (my ex and an assistance person) to give to her. For Nera the hot dogs are probably just as great as steak, which is nutritionally speaking untrue but a good life lesson.

While I'm of course torn and destroyed by this, I believe her death will also open up a new pathway for me. I know I am making the right choice for her and her last week has been a festival of love, and grief, but those emotions are sisters anyway. My life will change completely, but hasn't my whole diary been about just that - change?

 

[Llama]

All the best and hugs for both you and Nera.

 

[Floater]

It´s a bit like every story in which a young hero loses his mentor and it´s is the moment he comes into his own. Except it´s real and therefore much harder.

Hah, I just keep coming back to this. I love that you said it. Nera is my Yoda. (Although her royal demeanor reminds me more of old Obi-Wan; but her fun yawns and energy are pretty yodaic so we'll stick with Yoda.) It feels good to be able to find something silly and funny and amusing, like this dumb Star Wars reference of mine, in the middle of this grief.

Steaks are tempering on the counter. We had two nice walkies. I feel like all my senses are turned up to 11 but not in a bad way. I popped open a sparkling wine - True Colours Cava - and keep a candle burning whenever we aren't on walkies. As Nera's life slowly burns out like a candle with just a nub of the wick left, and as it will be blown out gently tomorrow, my appetite for life only seems to be increasing. I have a feeling that she'll follow me on my nature walks and in some way see all the mundane miracles this life treated us with for all these years.

 

[Llama]

I'm so impressed by how you're dealing with your grief

 

[Floater]

I sent an email to the vet to check that it's OK for me to read two short Bible verses at the euthanasia. I hope it will be OK.

The Finnish translations speak to me even clearer, but I have no issue with the NIV versions.

Jer. 4:27-28 NIV:

27 This is what the Lord says:

“The whole land will be ruined,
though I will not destroy it completely.
28 Therefore the earth will mourn
and the heavens above grow dark,
because I have spoken and will not relent,
I have decided and will not turn back.”

Job 14:7-9 NIV:

7 “At least there is hope for a tree:
If it is cut down, it will sprout again,
and its new shoots will not fail.
8 Its roots may grow old in the ground
and its stump die in the soil,
9 yet at the scent of water it will bud
and put forth shoots like a plant.

Nera is my angel and God's perfect creation.

 

[Cate]

I have a feeling that she'll follow me on my nature walks

She'll stay with you in your heart as my old dog stays with me. I held her up to my heart as she died & I still have that strong feeling. What time is she booked in for Floater? I will check in tonight at about 9 pm our time. It's 8.18 am here now on the 14th & I think it's 11.18 pm your time, on the 13th.

 

[Floater]

What time is she booked in for Floater? I will check in tonight at about 9 pm our time. It's 8.18 am here now on the 14th & I think it's 11.18 pm your time, on the 13th.

The vet will come here today at noon, in Finnish time. The day just turned to the 14th Feb here.

 

[Cate]

I will think of you & Nera tonight at 9 pm

 

[Floater]

I will think of you & Nera tonight at 9 pm

Thank you, sincerely.

 

[Floater]

It's done and it was beautiful.

I'll return with details later.

I love her.

 

[Llama]

So glad you had a chance to do it with love and dignity

 

[Cate]

You have given Nera a loving & dignified end to her physical life. A choice we all should have. Good for you, Floater

 

[Floater]

CW: euthanasia of a companion
.
.
.
This was how our last day together was.

I didn't sleep much. I listened to her every little stir, and we had lots of walkies, short ones she could still enjoy. I have her all my presence and treats.

At 11AM my ex and the assistance person arrived. We had a walkie on the fields and I cut up hot dogs they could treat her with.

At noon the vet arrived. Nera was so cute and so present, stuck her nose into the vet's bag and was just... Lovely.

The vet administered a light sedation into Nera's thigh muscle when standing up. I propped her with hot dogs to jump on the bed, and she stayed for a while while I was reading the first one of the aforementioned Bible verses, but then jumped off and decided to go to sleep in her own spot by the head of the bed, where I have felt her close to me for years. I read the second verse as the medicine was starting to take hold. At that point I didn't cry anymore.

I held my hand at her heart as the vet created an IV route in her hind leg. Her eyelashes fluttered a bit at this point, but she was safe and relaxed. I watched the vet push the milky white anesthetic into her vein, and then after a while the blue Propophol which was given to stop her vitals. Watching it felt holy. It didn't feel sad, I felt like watching over my baby as she passed mattered and that my calmness was transmissed to her too in her sedated state.

I held my hand on her heart all the time and only took it off as the vet said it's time to check her vitals to conform her passing. I opened the windows to give her a choice to leave, but I think she chose to stay with me, jumped into me, to be held and loved until this vessel of mine passes on too.

I helped the vet carry her into the vet's van. Her completely relaxed, still beautiful body was still warm but I could tell she wasn't occupying it anymore. She was very heavy but I would never have chosen otherwise. I gave her forehead kisses and a gentle pet along her long, silky, silky body before the doors of the vans had to close and her body had to go.

I have taken her on walkies on this evening too, in spirit. She lives on and her life was a true gift. "If I only could" - but I can't.

 

[Llama]

That's beautiful. I'm sure the grief will come back at some point but it's wonderful that her passing was so serene.

 

[Floater]

That's beautiful. I'm sure the grief will come back at some point but it's wonderful that her passing was so serene.

The grief and loss are here constantly; but I feel love and gratitude that outweigh them

 

[Floater]

If I get lucky, Nera's urn will be here tonight. I had sushi and strawberries yesterday and bought the same stuff today. I ate the sushi, strawberries are about to be eaten soon too. I keep myself motivated through the idea that I can enjoy good quality food for Nera that she couldn't have when she was a dog with a dog's physiology. Tomorrow I'm taking her swimming: not the urn of course, but she'll be in my heart. It will be healthy for me to get back to my exercise routine now that the Covid regulations have lifted and I'm no longer tied to the schedule and needs of an elderly dog.

I love her. I did our usual walkies today and while I cried a lot, I do feel a sense of magic and love as well. She taught me how to love myself. That will never go away for as long as I live - and who knows, maybe even longer.

 

[Llama]

You're in a liminal state: magic and growth happen there

 

[Floater]

You're in a liminal state: magic and growth happen there

Thank you Llama. This was my choice for the second day of Nera's mourning week:

The video is a bit silly, but I can feel Nera's gaze in the gothic lady. I wrote a better bigger post about this on my FB timeline, but here the video will have to do.

I love her.

"We got the empire, now as then
We don't doubt, we don't take direction
Lucretia, my reflection, dance the ghost with me."