Floater's diary

[Cate]

My body can't handle this switch to summer time at all.

My brain & body can't handle the switch to winter time Swap! We didn't have much of a summer this year & I'm not quite ready for winter yet. I have Reynauds & my hands hurt this morning. Does it get really hot & humid where you live?

 

[Llama]

I feel like the switch gets harder each year...

 

[Floater]

My brain & body can't handle the switch to winter time Swap! We didn't have much of a summer this year & I'm not quite ready for winter yet. I have Reynauds & my hands hurt this morning. Does it get really hot & humid where you live?

I'm sorry! :/ Sore hands and joints are a problem for me too especially at the beginning of winter when my body isn't acclimated yet.

Summers in Finland can get hot and humid during heat spells, but nothing compared to warmer climates I'm sure. Climate change has brought us 30-degree Celsius heat spells occasionally, but summers here are usually pretty cold and rainy for the most part. The most stressful thing about Finnish summers to me is that the sun never really goes down, so I tend to sleep in, and become pretty much nocturnal to avoid the brightest hours of the day.

I feel like the switch gets harder each year...

Yes, this.

 

[Floater]

Food diary from 8pm yesterday to 8pm today:

Bedtime snack: 1 liter of premade smoothie (I needed the calories and couldn't eat solids)
Breakfast: instant ramen with a fried egg and pumpkin seeds
Late lunch: one portion-sized cheese tomato focaccia, 3 pieces of chocolate

Yeah, that's all for now. I have ham and juice in the fridge. I walked 3 km to the store and 3 km back to buy the foccaccia, ham, chocolate and juice just to get the sense that I'm "allowed" to eat. I'm too stressed to eat because it's looking like the assisted housing thing is going to get denied and I'll have to re-apply with a note from my psychiatrist and that's going to stretch the whole stupid process even worse than it already is.

 

[Llama]

Sorry to hear they´re making you jump through hoops just to get the help you need

 

[Floater]

Sorry to hear they´re making you jump through hoops just to get the help you need

Thank you for your empathy. <3

The autism assistance folks are not to blame here, the issue is with municipal budget and sh*tty services for adult diagnosed autistics and disabled folks in general. (It can take years for a brain injury patient to get sufficient help due to similar bureaucracy hoops.) Luckily, the assistance itself is most likely going to continue, so it's just a matter of re-applying until success.

 

[Floater]

I should add that there are forms of care and support that go by the nickname of "twice-applicable", meaning that the first application will always fail. To me it sounds like horrid planning, not really about trying to avoid people milking the system. It feels horrible to be excluded from a service/help that has been documented as well needed, but hey, it is what it is.

 

[Cate]

I think we have a similar lack of support here for adults with autism. I can't imagine why someone's needs would all of a sudden disappear in adulthood. I'm glad you still get support & hopefully second time around you get the housing option you need. Bureaucracy sucks.
I had forgotten you lived in Finland Does everyone have blackout curtains in their bedrooms? I have so much trouble sleeping in Summer once the sun is up so can't imagine how I would cope with it being up almost all of the time.

 

[Floater]

I had forgotten you lived in Finland Does everyone have blackout curtains in their bedrooms? I have so much trouble sleeping in Summer once the sun is up so can't imagine how I would cope with it being up almost all of the time.

Haha, don't worry about it Some people do have blackout curtains, my apartment has blinders that also help but personally I feel claustrophobic if I can't see outside... So I just deal with the light. And the midnight sun really isn't such a big deal because at least it's low on the horizon and the light is pretty. I just hate summer mid-days because the light is so harsh and bright. If I have to go out during the brightest hours, I'm equipped with sunblock, long sleeves, sunglasses and a wide-brimmed hat or a hood.

I'm happy to report that I did get hungry at night and ate mock chicken, frozen pumpkin-quinoa side dish, and ham. I slept OK, woke up once but I'm in really good spirits today and dealing pretty well with the bad news really. I found cheap sports leggings that fit like a glove, had a light compression to them, and felt really comfortable even though I was bloated, so I ordered three pairs of them. (I walk a lot, and my thighs are THICK, so I run through pants and leggings in months.) Now that the temps are above +4 celsius, sweatpants are becoming a bit too hot for me, and moisture-wicking sports leggings are the best thing to wear in the summer both for UV protection and comfort.

 

[Floater]

Food diary from 8pm yesterday to 8pm today:

Late night dinner: mock chicken, ham, and quinoa pumpkin side dish pan-fried
Breakfast: instant oatmeal with PB and fig jam
Lunch: seitan, mock chicken, and quinoa pumpkin side dish pan-fried and sprinkled with pumpkin seeds. Two pieces of chocolate
Dinner: a can of dolmas, three pieces of chocolate, two walnuts

Feeling tired, can't wait for tommorrow - I get my benefits and a grocery haul. I'm going to pay the bills and rent etc tomorrow and other than that I'll just take things easy

 

[Llama]

Yay for being able to eat! I'm not a leggings person because they always seem to put too much pressure on my belly but it's always great to find comfy clothes that don't make you overheat. Was very hot at work today and am now exhausted...

 

[Cate]

Yay for finding comfy clothes, full stop. I think women's clothing is usually uncomfortable. Comfort over fashion any day. Yay for benefits & a shop.

 

[Floater]

Leggings almost never fit me comfortably, I hate anything with a waistband - I have a very tender belly when it comes to that. I think that these ones were an exception to the rule because they had a slight and steady compression and no waistband. In a similar way I'm able to wear corsets if I want to "goth up", because the compression is steady, but tight jeans or non-elastic trousers are a big no no.

I'm sorry you got overheated, it really sucks.

I was in a very interesting mindset this evening. I made stove top popcorn and ate a whole bowl of it. I don't consider it a binge, I ate it during several hours and I used maybe 2dl of kernels and 1,5 tablespoons of oil, but popcorn is really filling...! What made it odd/funny was that I was watching extreme eating videos by The LA Beast and it just really made me miss going to the gym For some reason watching a buff, husky guy the size of a fridge eat hot chillies until he cries and barfs motivates me more than any amount of "proper" fitspo.

I think it's maybe because I get the sense that I don't need to compare myself to him and that being "good" at something is pretty subjective. For example, I would not find it worth it to train until I can eat a 2 kg 400 gram steak under 20 minutes, but he has trained himself to do just that. Similarly, I can make peace with myself and agree that trying to attain a conventionally beautiful "fit" body is not something I really feel the need to do. Dreaming about such a body is not rooted in my desire to look like that but in the fear that I'm not good enough with the "normal" body I have. Do I think that very lean and muscled bodies are attractive? Sure! Is it realistic for me, or should I focus on my general health and well being? Absolutely the latter one. Because it's interesting to see what human bodies are capable of, but I don't need to be something exceptional.

 

[Llama]

I can't watch eating challenges but this guy sounds worth watching Will check if he does other videos as wel

Dreaming about such a body is not rooted in my desire to look like that but in the fear that I'm not good enough with the "normal" body I have.

That is such a great realization. I may need to sit with that for a while.

 

[Floater]

I can't watch eating challenges but this guy sounds worth watching Will check if he does other videos as wel

That is such a great realization. I may need to sit with that for a while.

Happy trails watching him - his YT handle is skippy62able. He's a total meme and he knows it, but there's something about his energy that I just can't help but love He's done charity stuff after breaking through and just radiates huge "himbo" energy in general. Most of his videos are about him putting his body through incredible stress, not all are eating related but most are. Then again, the stuff he eats isn't always food. I've watched him eat four cacti with spikes and all and that wasn't even the weirdest thing.

And - thank you <3

I just treated myself to a takeout ham and raclette sandwich, I'll walk my dog now and have a salmon bagel for lunch. Then I'll pay the rent and the bills and just enjoy myself for the rest of the day.

 

[Llama]

Well, there's another YT hole to go down The cactus thing reminds me of a newspaper clipping in my old highschool French textbook, about a guy who ate the bodywork of an entire Citroën Deux Chevaux (over the course of 7 years)

 

[Floater]

Well, there's another YT hole to go down The cactus thing reminds me of a newspaper clipping in my old highschool French textbook, about a guy who ate the bodywork of an entire Citroën Deux Chevaux (over the course of 7 years)

Oh lord

BTW, my ex asked if I want to get boozy tonight, and I thought why not. I've been so good in the terms of drinking, and this will give me a chance to reflect on that as well.

So if I don't fill in the diary in time it's probably because I'll be sitting outside, watching the snow melt, listening to the birds singing and just have a nice talk with him. Food-wise, my fridge is now full of healthy, good stuff. The only items that I have to eat ASAP are fresh salmon and mushrooms, the rest has a pretty long shelf life. This time I chose protein rich options, a lot of animal products, more so than I would like to eat in the long run but it's going to help keep my stomach calm.

 

[Llama]

Enjoy the lovely weather!

 

[Cate]

It does sound like a night for reflection. Have fun

 

[Floater]

Thank you @LaMaria and @Cate !

I had a great time. My dog ended up rolling in poop so I had to wash her after I got home After that I just sat on my computer and listened to music (Lesley Gore mostly, I love her music!) and chilled, and had a super cheesy omelette and some ham before I went to bed.

I think it's probably better and healthier for me to aim for this type of alcohol use - every now and then for special occasions. Because I did have a lot of fun, and not really even a hangover. I was consciously pacing myself and drinking a lot of water. We also talked a lot about pretty deep stuff with my ex and I liked that, it gave me a sense of peace.

I am a bit tired today so I can definitely notice the effect alcohol has on my sleep quality, but then again I don't need to do much today besides laundry. What I liked about last night and want to keep thinking about is that when I was tipsy, I flexed in front of a mirror, and realized that there really isn't anything wrong with my body. I'm just so stressed out that I tend to walk around hunched, and that effects how my body looks. Not having been able to go to the gym to get my pump on also affects this but I can affect my posture and make my musculature more visible with home workouts as well, until the gyms re-open.

So basically, I think that my next goal is to start doing light, simple body weight exercises on a daily basis. I have a yoga mat and a small pilates ball at home, and if I'm feeling really low on mental spoons even doing wall lean pushups will help me get in touch with my body.