Floater's diary

[Llama]

If oily tuna works for you that´s perfect. I loooooooove mayo A good thing I can´t get the proper stuff here in Austria and I´m too lazy to make it myself

 

[Cate]

I know that when I'm feeling low there's usually no logical explanation other than chemicals being out of whack. Your friend, if she's a good friend, should not judge you. I don't know any perfect people.

 

[Floater]

Friend came over, we had a great time. Ate lentil chips and Chinese. Talked about a dead classmate and other old stuff, but happy stuff too.
Short on words. Foodwise everything went fine. Emotionally, I just miss her so much already. We have known each other since 3rd grade and we used to be flatmates. My dog didn't want to go back home from the train station without her.
It's painful to see old friends who knew my dog and me when we were healthy and young. For a big dog she's in a great shape at 11. But everything will fade away eventually. It's just a question of who gets to go out first and who's left to mourn.

 

[Cate]

I'm glad you had a great time with your friend. I try not to think too much about death & give my dog a pat whenever I feel sad or start to worry. You are both lucky to have one another & to have such good friends. I cherish my old friends & I don't have regrets about not being that young, fit woman I once was. They age too & we do it together

 

[Floater]

I'm glad you had a great time with your friend. I try not to think too much about death & give my dog a pat whenever I feel sad or start to worry. You are both lucky to have one another & to have such good friends. I cherish my old friends & I don't have regrets about not being that young, fit woman I once was. They age too & we do it together

I think I'm in a habit of mourning in advance. I've seen a lot of loss. But - I do agree that mourning about maturing is useless. It's a privilege to live. Puts things to perspective.

Take care

 

[Cate]

Don't get me wrong. I do the same. I have a vivid imagination & sometimes I think I imagine the worst-case scenario & then real life will be easier to cope with as it won't be as hard. What it does in reality though is have me worrying about things that may not happen for a long time & I would be better off just being happy with my life as it is, right now & enjoying the things that I can, while I can. I have seen a lot of loss too, including 2 of my siblings. I try to think about how lucky I was to have had them & their love & the love I still feel for them. We are very lucky to be alive. It's not always easy that's for sure. Taking good care of ourselves to the best of our ability is what we can do & I think you seem to be doing that. Thanks for the hug back. I do love a hug, xo

 

[Llama]

I'm often afraid of even thinking about possible bad things that could happen to my lived ones - like I could cause it to happen just by thinking it. Not a great thing for my anxiety but it does make me stuff those thoughts down mighty effectively...

 

[Floater]

Don't get me wrong. I do the same. I have a vivid imagination & sometimes I think I imagine the worst-case scenario & then real life will be easier to cope with as it won't be as hard. What it does in reality though is have me worrying about things that may not happen for a long time & I would be better off just being happy with my life as it is, right now & enjoying the things that I can, while I can. I have seen a lot of loss too, including 2 of my siblings. I try to think about how lucky I was to have had them & their love & the love I still feel for them. We are very lucky to be alive. It's not always easy that's for sure. Taking good care of ourselves to the best of our ability is what we can do & I think you seem to be doing that. Thanks for the hug back. I do love a hug, xo

Wise words. <3

I'm often afraid of even thinking about possible bad things that could happen to my lived ones - like I could cause it to happen just by thinking it. Not a great thing for my anxiety but it does make me stuff those thoughts down mighty effectively...

This is the absolute worst...! I often feel guilty about having dark thoughts too. I've tried to teach myself to just observe my thoughts and let them go as soon as they agree to leave. Meditation instructions compare it to "watching clouds drift by in the sky", but I don't experience it like that at all - for me it's like having a panicked songbird in the house, trashing around and beeping, myself walking around gently, slowly, opening windows for it in the hopes that it'll find it's way out without breaking it's neck or dying of exhaustion. I wouldn't be mad at the poor bird, so why should I get mad at myself for having panicked thoughts?

I had the wildest dreams last night, but no nightmares! My morning coffee and oatmeal tasted unusually good, it's funny how a good mood is the best spice. I did add in pumpkin seeds - love those. I might go out later to get some ham and eggs and more tuna. I have plenty of plant based protein in the house but I'm craving animal protein.

I had a bit of a crisis last night. When me and my friend were walking my dog by a pond, we decided to sit down for a while and watch the melting ice. The dog hopped onto the bench next to me and got it all muddy and wet, so my friend couldn't sit down It was so funny and out of nowhere! My friend took a pic of me and the dog on the bench. It was a cute moment and I really wanted to like the pic, but I had a horrible posture in it and I looked so big (in my own opinion). I didn't say anything of course, because my body dysmorphia isn't something I was willing to ruin the evening for, but I spent quite a lot of time last night and this morning comparing the pic to others trying to decide if I have gained or not.

I think that for these kinds of situations I should probably consider getting a scale. My therapist told me to get rid of my old one because it made me obsessive, but I looked online for mechanical scales. I think that a mechanical one might be safer for me, because water weight fluctuations and such are much less stressful to look at on a mechanical scale as it gives a clear visual comparison between fluctuations. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone else, but to me there's a big difference whether the scale moves a bit clockwise or counterclockwise, or whether there's a 0,5kg difference on a digital scale, you know?

Besides - I've been keeping a food diary for a while now and I haven't started to restrict even when I have felt conflicted. And my assistants know about this project, so I can trust that if my weight starts to plummet, they will step in. So I think I might be ready to own a scale again. I have to wait until 1.4. because I'm broke AF until then, but it's going to give me time to adjust to the thought too.

 

[Llama]

for me it's like having a panicked songbird in the house, trashing around and beeping, myself walking around gently, slowly, opening windows for it in the hopes that it'll find it's way out without breaking it's neck or dying of exhaustion. I wouldn't be mad at the poor bird, so why should I get mad at myself for having panicked thoughts?

That´s a great comparison; I need to remember that one.
For me analogue scales are a little less stressful just because they´re less exact. You can kind of, sort of see half-kilo difference but not 0.1 (and even less if the number keeps changing between two digits)so it´s harder to obsess as much.

 

[Floater]

I've been having extremely bad GI issues; bloating, pain, constipation. I have a hard time just trying to breathe due to my bowels pressing upwards. I look like I'm pregnant. In the morning I looked slim, I have 3 rolls on my back now.

I would call a doctor but I know what they are going to say. "Have you heard about the FODMAP diet?" Sure, I've heard of it. I've been on it. But it's not sustainable, and nutritionists know this. I get these god awful reactions to totally normal stuff every now and then, and most of the time I'm more or less OK. So I've done what I could; long walks, not eating solids after breakfast. Eventually I'll sh*t the swelling and pain out. Until that, it's going to be juice and ham and eggs, no fiber of any sort (from solid carbs like grains, veg and fruit).

So, yeah, I had a breakfast porridge today and after that I've had juice. I have ham and eggs in the fridge. I also have a newly found determination to buy the aforementioned scale, start to measure my waist after each meal, take pictures of my body and use those to actually show the doctors that when a normal weight person is complaining to have bad stomach pain, it's not necessarily about "vanity bloating" and holding in farts (yes I've been told to fart more), but that this buildup of fluid and gas is painful - and gives me scarring, as my waist circumference can vary 15 cm from morning to evening, and my brittle skin can't deal with it.

I feel so angry.

I feel even angrier now that I've been documenting my foods here. Seeing how _good_ my diet is (all things considered), how fucking diligent I am with it, and how much I still suffer, it's so unfair. But docs won't give me a colonoscopy, I can't get tested for uterine issues, the most I get is a blood test for coeliac disease and being told I have to fart more and go FODMAP.

I would be OK if I were told that I'm always going to be like this, and that there's no way to prevent my skin from breaking and spending days alternating between crying from pain and trying to walk it off. But just having the docs tell me that I'm not trying despite my blood work and weight showing that my diet's fine is...

 

[Llama]

I get these god awful reactions to totally normal stuff every now and then, and most of the time I'm more or less OK. So I've done what I could; long walks, not eating solids after breakfast. Eventually I'll sh*t the swelling and pain out. Until that, it's going to be juice and ham and eggs, no fiber of any sort (from solid carbs like grains, veg and fruit).

Most of the time my symptoms aren't as bad as yours, at least not anymore, so take anything I say with a grain of salt.
Last time I was desperate enough to try and get things figured out at the allergy center the doctor told me to "just get used to being sick". It's massively frustrating sometimes but I guess she meant what you said up there. Although I could probably get all those tests you're being denied and you should 100% be able to get them if your Leidensdruck is high enough that you're willing to take them. I don't really know where I'm going with this other than to say that I know what you're going through and I agree that it sucks

 

[Cate]

It sucks majorly that you can't get the tests it sounds like you need. I have never got any answers from anyone in the medical profession to my bloating & discomfort, but have been a lot better since I decided to cut out wheat. I still look like I'm 8 months pregnant some days. Lentils, chickpeas, rice...... bloat me up too. Sometimes I feel like a blimp.
I hope you can get some answers. I think I have almost given up on it.

 

[Floater]

I'm sorry you are having similar issues, @Cate . And it really sucks when answers can't be found.

I'm also sorry about being so frustrated and ranty yesterday. It's a vicious cycle of being in pain and becoming irritated and then both things feeding off of each other. I'm feeling a little bit better today, I've been eating too few calories but sticking to certain foods I know I can handle (animal proteins, dolmas for carbs in small quantities) is already starting to bring down the swelling and pain.

Cutting out grains might be something I have to re-consider. It's just so incredibly limiting (but health comes before convenience, of course). I already modified my grocery cart to be grain free, and substituted plant based proteins to animal ones to give my gut time to calm down.

 

[Floater]

PS: I just remembered that when I have had bad flare-ups, eating a pureed foods has helped me digest things that are otherwise hard to digest.

 

[Llama]

PS: I just remembered that when I have had bad flare-ups, eating a pureed foods has helped me digest things that are otherwise hard to digest.

For me baked root veggies are the easiest things to digest ever, once you´re looking to reintroduce some carbs without using grains.

 

[Floater]

So; I didn't eat anything last night after 8 pm. Today I've had 100 g of ham and a spoonful of pumpkin seeds for breakfast, two boiled eggs for lunch, a small roasted cauliflower, one egg and a spoonful of sunflower seeds for dinner. Stomach is starting to settle down a bit, I'll see what I can eat before bed. I have leftover Chinese in the fridge but that should be safe to eat tomorrow - I'd rather not risk eating it today.

Feeling pretty OK, especially considering the small amount of calories I've had. Swelling is going down a bit.

 

[Cate]

Don't apologise for letting off steam in your diary. It really helps to get it out. Hope you feel even better as the day goes on.

 

[Floater]

I forgot to mention that I had a can of dolmas between lunch and dinner yesterday!

Anyway - I'm still bloated, but not as sick or sore. I just had a pack of instant ramen because I was feeling really cold and tired, which usually points to me needing carbs. It tasted incredible I also made seitan, I may not dare eat it yet but I'll portion and freeze it for later use.

I'm glad I had the assistant come over, I talked about my GI issues and stress and she told me it's no wonder I'm struggling to find a balance. So I think I'll just have to remember that working towards sustainability is a long road and I'm not a "failure" for getting sick sometimes.

 

[Llama]

I'm glad I had the assistant come over, I talked about my GI issues and stress and she told me it's no wonder I'm struggling to find a balance. So I think I'll just have to remember that working towards sustainability is a long road and I'm not a "failure" for getting sick sometimes.

So true. The road to success is not a straight one. You know I've never actually eaten ramen? Don't even know if I can buy them here but now I'm curious.

 

[Floater]

You know I've never actually eaten ramen? Don't even know if I can buy them here but now I'm curious.

I think you probably can, Asian grocery stores have it for sure but at least in Finland pretty much every grocery and kiosk has them too. Actual, fresh ramen noodle soup from a restaurant is much better of course, but the instant stuff is convenient and cheap and OK to eat every now and then.

My body can't handle this switch to summer time at all. I've only eaten twice today, and it's going to be 8 PM soon?!

Here's what I've had from 8pm last night to 8pm today:

Bedtime snack: 200g of ham and 100g of hummus
Breakfast: two boiled eggs and 100g of hummus, a handful of walnuts
Lunch: a pack of instant ramen, a handful of pumpkin seeds

Well - I'll probably get hungry in an hour or so. And I can always adjust the time frame of my diary entries if this method makes them too focused on past 8PM meals. I've also maxed out my ADHD meds today so it's to be expected that my appetite suffers a bit. I'll see if I can eat some fruit or if my stomach still needs a break.