If only that was how all people used alcohol... Great that you were able to enjoy responsibly!
Awesome! Bookmark that memory, because little children and drunk people tell the truth
Floater's diary
- Thread starter Floater
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Floater
Well-known member
If only that was how all people used alcohol... Great that you were able to enjoy responsibly!
Awesome! Bookmark that memory, because little children and drunk people tell the truth
Haha!
I think that my relationship with alcohol is getting better partially because I'm not trying to tell myself that it's not without risks. I have never been one of those people whose personality changes when they get drunk, I just get a short term release from my near-constant anxiety. But that's dangerous on it's own right if I can't find other ways to cope. I also think that it's a very important realization that anxiety pills never gave me the sort of buzz that alcohol does. I think it's because I always thought of them as _medicine_ and not something I have a change to fuck around with. Sure, brain chemistry and such probably plays into it - I had a period in Uni when I was using weed recreationally, and I was super productive (I wrote my thesis and graduated during that time), but thinking back now I would never want to go back to that level of use even if weed was legal here.)
Hmm, I typed in a paragraph about positive and negative motivation and woops, deleted it accidentally. I think the general idea was good enough to stick though, so I'll get back to that later.
Cate
Long term member
I’m glad you had a lovely reflective evening with your ex & you were able to show yourself that you can put alcohol in it’s place. I also noticed my sleep quality went out the window last night after drinking wine. 1 or 2 glasses late afternoon is ok. Any more & my sleep suffers. None today for me.
Floater
Well-known member
Damn, I forgot to write down yesterday's meals... I hope I won't forget anything!
Breakfast: ham, a handful of walnuts
Lunch: three Karelian pies with ham, chili oil and parmesan
Snack: cauliflower "wings"
Dinner: Seared salmon
I also had sugared soda, because I felt like I needed a little picking up, and I could have eaten more produce obviously, but all in all not terrible. The cauliflower wings were store-brought and they are breaded, so quite high in fat, but also high in fiber and stuff.
I've only had oatmeal today, I've been super active (cleaned the apartment and paid my bills etc), so I should eat something ASAP. A friend is coming over for movie night after 6pm! Looking forward to that
Breakfast: ham, a handful of walnuts
Lunch: three Karelian pies with ham, chili oil and parmesan
Snack: cauliflower "wings"
Dinner: Seared salmon
I also had sugared soda, because I felt like I needed a little picking up, and I could have eaten more produce obviously, but all in all not terrible. The cauliflower wings were store-brought and they are breaded, so quite high in fat, but also high in fiber and stuff.
I've only had oatmeal today, I've been super active (cleaned the apartment and paid my bills etc), so I should eat something ASAP. A friend is coming over for movie night after 6pm! Looking forward to that
Floater
Well-known member
We stayed up so late with my friend that I just went straight to sleep after walking her to the train station. But yesterday's eating was no too great. I just didn't have an appetite, and after my morning oatmeal I couldn't force myself to eat more than little nibbles of mozzarella and guac with pumpkin seeds and extra oil (for energy) even though I prepared food and my friend brought a bag of chips with her.
It's almost 3pm and I haven't eaten anything today either. Buuuuut then I realized that it's Easter, and holidays are often hard for me, because growing up those were the times when I was stuck with my family and had no school to give me a break from them, so it's pretty likely that I'll get my appetite back soon.
It's almost 3pm and I haven't eaten anything today either. Buuuuut then I realized that it's Easter, and holidays are often hard for me, because growing up those were the times when I was stuck with my family and had no school to give me a break from them, so it's pretty likely that I'll get my appetite back soon.
Floater
Well-known member
At least you tried your best to get some nutrition in - that´s really all anyone can expect. Sounds like you had fun with your friend as well, so that´s a win
Sorry to hear holidays are hard for you
Cate
Long term member
Hope you were able to eat something. I think you are doing really well, considering you hardly have an appetite & maybe having this diary is helping. I'm sending you a hug too. I used to find holidays very emotionally draining, but that has changed over the years. I hope it does for you too
Floater
Well-known member
Hope you were able to eat something. I think you are doing really well, considering you hardly have an appetite & maybe having this diary is helping. I'm sending you a hug too. I used to find holidays very emotionally draining, but that has changed over the years. I hope it does for you too
Thank you so much.
I decided to order two takeout hamburgers because I really need the energy. I ended up only having juice yesterday (and I didn't even take my ADHD meds because I feared they would make my anxiety skyrocket), the idea of eating just felt too bad. So let's hope that in 30 minutes or so I'll have a cozy 1500 kcal from the burgers sitting in my belly.
I definitely do notice a difference when it comes to the holidays compared to how messed up I used to be before. Therapy helped a lot. I really see it as just one more challenge that I need to cope with, and luckily, there's only a certain amount of big holidays in a year so...
I had an amazing walk with my dog yesterday. We had a bit of a spring storm going on, leaves and road sand getting whirled up and tossed around and trees dancing in the wind. The skies were clear though, and the sun was starting to set and everything was bathed in a rosy light. So it's not all bad.
Floater
Well-known member
Yup super bad day when it comes to eating and mental health in general. I did finish the burgers and had a long walk with my dog but I have tics (involuntary muscle spasms and noises) and in general just... Well, I'm looking at nonsense on YouTube and listening to music trying to drown out the rest. I did get a six pack of beer and it was a very conscious decision. I had valerian root tea first, and I have no benzos left, so it was the best I could do.
But: the calories from the burgers and beer will carry me over to tomorrow, and it's going to be better. I'll have an assistant come over and I can discuss this distress with her. It sucks to be this fragile but hey, it is what it is. I've survived worse. And my dog is a constant source of joy and beauty in my life and she's happy today so I feel good about that.
But: the calories from the burgers and beer will carry me over to tomorrow, and it's going to be better. I'll have an assistant come over and I can discuss this distress with her. It sucks to be this fragile but hey, it is what it is. I've survived worse. And my dog is a constant source of joy and beauty in my life and she's happy today so I feel good about that.
Floater
Well-known member
I had nightmares again, and remembered that I have occupational therapist evals again on Thursday. Like... I understand that they want to find out what my level of functionality is, but it stresses me out so bad. Because while the process is meant to define my care needs, the flipside is that if I am too "good" at stuff then I may have the assistance cut off. Adult autistics face these issues all the time.
But. I ordered tacos because now it's more important than ever to keep my energy levels up. I have food in the fridge but I'll be much more likely to eat it if I eat something easy first. Today will be better than yesterday.
But. I ordered tacos because now it's more important than ever to keep my energy levels up. I have food in the fridge but I'll be much more likely to eat it if I eat something easy first. Today will be better than yesterday.
I can see how that would be terribly stressful. My patients deal with similar problems, except kind of in reverse. Some of them never get the aid they need because they feel too embarrassed to tell the doctor evaluating them how bad things really get.
Floater
Well-known member
I'm sad to hear that your patients have to deal with medical cluelessness.
And yeah I definitely tend to belittle my problems, I don't mean to, but I was born autistic and I'll die autistic so I have no comparison to how neurotypicals think and function. And because I'm very good at certain things and I can "pass" for neurotypical for a certain amount of time if I absolutely have to, the vibes people are getting is that I'm a NT person who just is off a bit. (I've been told that I'm "scary" or "intense" when I'm literally just chilling in my own thoughts.) And of course there's the old adage that because I have graduated Uni with great grades I can't really need that much assistance, when in reality this kind of scattered pattern of success and failure in life is central to the autistic experience. It's like a wicked circle, where my diagnosis was delayed because of the stereotypies that docs have about autistics, and now even though I have the diagnosis, some docs still try their hardest to claim that the diagnosis can't be right because they only think autism affects children. (Which is total bogus, because it's a life long neurotype and not an illness, although autistics are more likely to suffer from mental health issues as a cherry on the cake.)
I'm feeling better today. Assistance came over and I managed to do chores and talk out some of the stress. I've only had 1,5 tacos today but I'll eat the remaining chicken taco and burrito bowl ASAP.
Floater
Well-known member
OK eating is a chore right now, but I managed to force down half a taco and half of the burrito bowl plus a bit of ham and a handful of crisps. Everything just tastes horrible and I felt like choking on the rice, but I got energy in so that's a plus.
I tried earlier if guacamole can be eaten as a salty smoothie, and the answer is a resounding no. I almost barfed the test batch up, but hey, it was worth a try. I could maybe try to heat up the rest of the burrito bowl - sometimes hot foods go down easier.
My muscle tone looks pretty great though due to being so clenched up so, haha. At least I've got that going for me...
I tried earlier if guacamole can be eaten as a salty smoothie, and the answer is a resounding no. I almost barfed the test batch up, but hey, it was worth a try. I could maybe try to heat up the rest of the burrito bowl - sometimes hot foods go down easier.
My muscle tone looks pretty great though due to being so clenched up so, haha. At least I've got that going for me...
Patrik Baboumian holds the world record yoke walk. Meaning he lifted 555 kg and carried it for 5m. Yet nobody´s expecting him to wear that bloody yoke around all day every day. And I wish we stopped expecting other people to do their personal equivalent of the same feat.
Floater
Well-known member
Beautifully said. Thank you.
Cate
Long term member
LaMa often hits the nail on the head.
I'm glad to hear you got that valuable support on a day when it sounds like you needed it. It's a shame you have to continue to walk a tightrope to get the support you need. I think it's similar here in Australia for adults with autism.