Floater's diary

Cate said:
LaMa often hits the nail on the head.

I think it's similar here in Australia for adults with autism.
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I agree about LaMa! And yes, it's a problem pretty much everywhere for adult autistics, sadly. Maybe facing this kind of bureaucratic and medical ostracism is why I'm so attuned to the struggles of different kinds of minorities.

I haven't been able to sleep yet due to feeling nauseous and hungry simultaneously, and I was stalling and stalling until I remembered that I have frozen corn in the freezer. So I heated that up with a bit of marg and salt, and hopefully the carbs will help me sleep. I'm not enjoying it at all but as I slowly work my way trough it, I feel better and better, so this is doable.
 
Floater said:
Maybe facing this kind of bureaucratic and medical ostracism is why I'm so attuned to the struggles of different kinds of minorities.
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Finding a positive in a heap of negatives; I like that.
Carbs definitely help with sleep for me: I was dead to the world all night.
 
We don't deserve dogs.

I did sleep finally, fragmentedly, but I can tell they were PTSD dreams because my linens were soaked in cold sweat and I had kicked the pillows and covers all over. (I'm thankful I don't remember these, but I have a general idea what happens during because of what my exes and roommates have told me over the years: talking, whining, fighting, sweating, and hyperventilating.) My dog woke me up twice during the night, at 4:30 and at 8, barking and whining and yawning. Both times I got dressed and took her out for a walk but she didn't seem to need to go, so she was probably worried by the noises and movements I made while asleep and just wanted to wake me up. Such a good girl...!

Assistance came over, I ate guac with extra oil and pumpkin seeds as well as instant oatmeal with PB and jam, we discussed the bureaucracy situation and I did some chores, and I bought dog food and bones online, so all things considered, it's not so bad. She said that if I can't go to the occupational therapist tomorrow, I can always call the OT and ask for an online meeting. But that would just postpone the stress, so I'll rather bite the bullet and get it over with.

Tomorrow's wonderful task by which my future care is hanging from will be to... Dun dun dunnn.... Prepare a batch of tuna pasta. Last time it was arts and crafts (I had to bind a booklet). I have to admit that there's something hilarious about this whole thing. The meaninglessness of these tasks and the personal consequenses of failing at them, especially when I have no idea by which criteria I will be evaluated, reminds me of Rumpelstiltskin and the girl who had to weave straw into gold. :nopity:

Somehow in times of distress small things like my dog being so smart and the assistant being supportive can really carry me a long way. 25 hours until the occupational therapy, 26 and a half hours until it's over. I can do this.
 
Best to go ahead and do it especially if you feel horrible. Honest representation of how you function under stress, right?
We indeed do not deserve dogs...
 
I'm so relieved. I had another 150g of guac with pumpkin seeds and extra oil for lunch, then walked to the supermarket to get some cheese and went bird watching on my way back. I saw two swans and a lark! After the walk I was hungry, so I just had a couple handfuls of chips and I now have 8 plant based nuggets covered in blue cheese in the oven. For tonight my job is to keep chill and eat as much as I can so I can manage tomorrow.
 
LaMaria said:
I never thought I'd say this, but: yay for hunger!
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I know where you are coming from, but honestly... Yay to hunger. Yay to knowing what you want to eat. Our bodies are so smart and I know it's not my body that's fighting against me, it's my brain telling me that it's not safe to eat or sleep.

I had 6 of the 8 plant based nuggets, the rest went to the trash. But I had a long walk with my dog and I'll probably eat something before falling asleep. I felt really touched when me and my dog were making our way through an underpass and some dude followed us there. I didn't think it was a dangerous situation in any way but my body reacted, I got stiffer and held myself higher. My dog handled the situation like a boss. She went to smell a tree, then just turned to the source of my discomfort and watched him walk by with a relaxed body, still sniffing, not threatening in any way. I never advocate for using dogs for personal protection or for police/military action (humans are smarter, so we are responsible for the safety of our furry friends not vice versa), but I could see that the man picked up the same kind of focus that I had picked up a minute before when I registered him.

Sucks to live in a world that feels unsafe even when it is safe. But I mean, I was forced to use violence against a random attacker in my own neighbourhood last August. I'm proud that I survived the situation and didn't need to cause severe harm on him. But it brought back situations where I was unable to fend for myself before. No wonder that my body keeps telling me not to eat heavily or sleep; both pose a risk of slowed down reflexes. But, my body is not the boss of me, we want to work in tandem. And for that, every lark spotted and every good dog walk and every handful of shredded cheese is important.

Yay for hunger :grouphug:
 
Floater said:
But, my body is not the boss of me, we want to work in tandem. And for that, every lark spotted and every good dog walk and every handful of shredded cheese is important.
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It really is.
Your dog sounds wonderful. We are so lucky to have them.
 
Cate said:
It really is.
Your dog sounds wonderful. We are so lucky to have them.
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We are. <3 I'm so happy whenever I see her doing these kinds of things, because I never taught her to be an assistant/helper dog, but she has figured out ways to help me out on her own, and keeps doing it to this day. I try to be as open as I can to her needs and signals too, dogs are as exiting as living with an alien, you just gotta find a common method of communication :D
 
Phew! I survived the occupational therapist thing although I was so nervous when I went in that I was shaking. I was tasked with making tuna pasta, and cooking happens to be one of the things I know I'm good at, so once I got into the zone I had an OK time. I also ate a huge portion of it, because I don't like to be wasteful and it would have gone to waste otherwise. I'm still kind of full, but that means I can relax about tonight's food situation.

Breakfast: 75g of guac with pumpkin seeds and chili oil
Lunch: a huge portion of tuna pasta

I have therapy tomorrow so I'll try to get in some carbs for good sleep later. But now I gotta head out and pick up a post package. :)
 
Glad you made it through the day alright. And I hope it's a fun package! My mom and sister surprised me with a book yesterday; excellent timing given that my internet connection is awful today.
 
So glad the day went well. Tuna bake was always one of my favourites. Yum.
I ordered something a month ago today & it still hasn’t arrived. I’ll be asking for my money back soon. It’s a custom collar & matching lead for my little dog, with his name printed on it, rather than a dangly disc.
 
Thanks @LaMaria and @Cate ! The package was very nice indeed, a miniature hair oil, a green color corrector powder, and eyebrow "soap" (aka the stuff that allows you to style eyebrows into bushy caterpillars). I've been trying to keep up with my hair care and makeup, because I consider it a creative pursuit, as well as self care. I don't do makeup every day but I do it when I feel like it would make me feel nice. Today I did, and I look kind of amazing, honestly.

Last night I had a mozzarella ball, three violet Babybel cheeses and a half of a naked burrito bowl leftovers. Slept OK, woke up and went to therapy. Before therapy I had four mozzarella sticks and a double cheeseburger, and after it I bought 340g of ribs and ate half of them right after getting home. (My dog got a fair deal too but, still.) I'm very pleased with this because I talked about some pretty heavy stuff and I need to have the energy to push through the emotions. I also had a sugared energy drink.

My dog was so cute when she smelled the ribs in my backpack. She always barks three times and then does a tippy toe dance and "sings" when there's something she really wants or wants me to notice. She never touches food without permission and doesn't beg from the table, but she knows that when I have ribs or rotisserie chicken, she gets the fatty parts. :)

Calorie wise I can be calm about tonight. I have had enough fuel, so I should think about how to compliment that fuel. Keep a good attitude about it.
 
Floater said:
The package was very nice indeed, a miniature hair oil, a green color corrector powder, and eyebrow "soap" (aka the stuff that allows you to style eyebrows into bushy caterpillars). I've been trying to keep up with my hair care and makeup, because I consider it a creative pursuit, as well as self care. I don't do makeup every day but I do it when I feel like it would make me feel nice. Today I did, and I look kind of amazing, honestly.
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:hurray: Yay for that! My skin has never liked makeup so I never learned to do it properly but I do like to see other people enjoy embellishing themselves. Add some solid food intake and you must feel so much better than you did on Wednesday :hurray:
 
LaMaria said:
you must feel so much better than you did on Wednesday :hurray:
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I do indeed. Thank you <3

We are having a proper storm here in Finland! I just took my dog for a walk and she looked like a huge black bottle brush when the wind was pressing her fur against the grain. Personally, I love windy weather and even storms, because the differences in air pressure and the way the wind plays with my clothes and skin and hair just gives so much sensory input. It's almost as if I were dancing with the elements when I walk down the street in stormy weather. I just feel alive.

Oh and I just had the rest of the ribs and I'll put a mental note here to try and cook myself a late dinner of mushrooms, cauliflower and a bit of cheese. The mushrooms are barely hanging in there and I want to avoid waste. But if I can't eat them and have to toss them, that means that I have to make a mental note to not include mushrooms in my monthly grocery delivery - after all, I can always get them from local groceries. :)
 
LaMaria said:
I hope you got a solid night's sleep then.
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I didn't sleep super well, but not horribly either. Occupational therapy again tomorrow... I've only eaten oatmeal today, but tomorrow is the last day of evaluations and after that I'll just have a feedback discussion with the OT. Going to fill in some paperwork she gave me now, and then empty the laundry machine, walk my dog and take the recyclables to the grocery.
 
Floater said:
I didn't sleep super well, but not horribly either.
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Average is good enough. Best of luck with the last evaluation; do you have to do those every year?
 
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