Floater's diary

Your bloody parents! :svengo:
I couldn't care less how I look when I dance, especially at home on my own. It's just really good for you. I loved belly dancing & when aerobics was such a big thing I used to incorporate a bit of shadow punching if I was feeling cranky. It's the movement that does us good.
You'll get that hope back. :grouphug: When is the funeral? It will be good to get it done & dusted.
 
Cate said:
When is the funeral? It will be good to get it done & dusted.
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Weeks to months. Finland has a very strict policy about autopsies, which is obviously good for homicide victims and in cases where the cause of death could be caused by several overlapping issues, so the autopsy will provide medical data also. But only Muslim and Jewish dead will be buried within days here as this is stated in their according scriptures (of course they will be examined first, as they should). Christian, Hindu, and Buddhist folks will need to go the usual route.

While I was doing my Master's, I took part in discussions and workshops by Finnish Buddhists about how the legal stuff around the maintenance of corpses could be, well, bettered. In esoteric Buddhism especially there's a central belief about death being a very gradual process. Like, when the central functions cease, some part of the Buddhist's self might still reside in the body. This has been brought up in cases of " sweet smelling corpses" (might be due to diabetes) or bodies that stay in their meditation pose after death. The scientist in me says that once you have spent several decades of your life meditating, of course those muscles are where the rigor mortis will set in first. I don't disrespect any of the cultural beliefs around death, it's just that my brother had no faith so why should I bother too much... I guess... But I also often think of him as ash, and running my fingers through that, and letting it dissipate. Knowing it will be me some day.
 
@Cate I just had a moment when sharon fruits just got too much to peal. So I dug my face in and devoured them like a tazzie devil in a carcass 😂😂😂🙃 must have been hungry!
 
I didn't know you were supposed to peel them at all 🙈
Apart from that: resist your AFAB upbringing and ignore any part of your parents' messages that are trying to get you to be their emotional support dog. If you needed permission for that: here it is.
 
LaMaria said:
resist your AFAB upbringing and ignore any part of your parents' messages that are trying to get you to be their emotional support dog. If you needed permission for that: here it is.
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THANK YOU. :grouphug:
LaMaria said:
I didn't know you were supposed to peel them at all 🙈
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I mean, the peel is thin so makes sense they could be eaten with it. Like kiwi fruit can. But I just find the texture unappealing, same goes for pumpkin peel.

Breakfast: congee with chopped up Brussel sprouts, fried shiitake, two fried eggs, and roasted chickpeas. I added some Ssamyang paste to the congee as I was reheating it, and it worked very well. Had a handful of walnuts for dessert and am now enjoying a cup of coffee.

I can feel yesterday's whiskey a little bit; heart rate feels normal though so I should be fine to exercise. I think I'll have a little afternoon nap, eat lunch, walk Nera, and hit the gym after that. The temps have risen to -6, it feels WARM and cozy :D Didn't even put a scarf on as I was walking Nera :D
 
Floater said:
just find the texture unappealing, same goes for pumpkin peel
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That I understand!
Floater said:
I added some Ssamyang paste to the congee as I was reheating i
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Had to look that up. Never heard it before but it sounds delicious.
Floater said:
I can feel yesterday's whiskey a little bit; heart rate feels normal though so I should be fine to exercise.
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Heh, back when my friends and I hung out at bars after work most days (because we each just had a tiny bedroom and no living area) I'd often go to the gym after to burn off the beer and bar food. Not a good time for strength training but euphoric for cardio...
 
LaMaria said:
back when my friends and I hung out at bars after work most days (because we each just had a tiny bedroom and no living area) I'd often go to the gym after to burn off the beer and bar food.
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When I was 20 with horrible anxiety and no care/support, and an active eating disorder, I would buy a light cider before going to the swimming hall so I was able to deal with being in a swimsuit... And I'd swim in the cold pool to burn off the max amount of kcals... I'm glad those days are over.

Going to have two salmon arugula wraps and a bowl of miso, walk Nera, and hit the gym!

EDIT I was hungry for carbs so I also had somen noodles with mushroom soy and a bit of oil. Pumpkin seeds for dessert.
 
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The workout was meh and I definitely wasn't all there mentally or physically, but I went and did it anyway and that's what matters.
 
I bought eggs and brussel's sprouts and I felt like I couldn't make it home if I didn't sit down for a moment. The world was spinning and I couldn't feel my legs (panic attack I guess). Came to a bar for a shot and a beer, gonna get my bearings straight and head home. I'm glad I made it to the loo in time, my gut is upset. Not uncommon in times of stress.
 
OK I think the shock about my brother's death is starting to settle in somewhat because after I had had my drink, I went on a grocery shopping spree. I had food at home... I just went into this weird "doomsday prepper" mindset and visited three different groceries I guess mostly because I had to keep myself preoccupied. I'm not talking pathological levels of consumption, just annoyed that I blew my already thin budget off completely.

First store: one plantain.
Second store: udon noodles, cassava chips, king oyster mushrooms, seaweed chips.
Third store: bacon and ham, four 0,5l wheat beers.

I had such an upset stomach on my way home that I had to literally go shit in the bush. For context, the area I live in has patches of forest so at least I didn't disturb anyone else with my diarrhea.

Once I got home I walked Nera and just couldn't resist this
LaMaria said:
your AFAB upbringing
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and was a big fucking oaf and called my parents. Deliberately. We ended up talking for 1,5 hours and I feel all sorts of ways.

TW: hoarding, alcoholism, mental illness, narcissistic parents, suicidal ideation

There's a term "narcissistic supply", which refers to narcissists needing attention and empathy form others, and holy shit my mom especially gave me those exact vibes all the time. Like, she's basking in the attention and doesn't even sound _sad_. Dad did choke up, but only when he was describing how they went to clean my brother's apartment A DAY AFTER HE WAS FOUND DEAD and how messy it was, with empty bottles and delivery food packings, and that at least he had tried to sort out clothes he had gotten too fat to wear. It's so very clear that all they cared about were the optics of his death. WTF.

The funeral will be held on 28.12. I informed my parents that I will not attend if my sister's "boyfriend" (who is my dad's age and has threatened me with sexual assault when I called social workers to check out their home situation) will attend. They said my sister will want him there. Well, makes it easy for me to not attend.

My brother's dog will stay with his ex roommate, a Chinese guy who used to work with him and who has been taking care of the dog for a while now (as my brother could not and the dog had gotten fat and sick). I also learned during the call that he had been laid off from his job as a game developer due to his alcoholism a couple weeks prior and that he had often talked about suicide when calling my parents while drunk, but that had always calmed down when he was told that they would get sad. Like... This is 100% not how to deal with alcoholism, or suicide threats, or anything at all. And apparently he had blamed his ex employer all the way through to his death for not getting him a 3-month stint in rehab, "just" a 2-week one.

Like I GET IT, once physical dependency has developed, it's no joke, and quitting drinking can kill you. But after two weeks in rehab, you won't be hit with delirium tremens anymore and it would have been within his means to ask for some extra leave without pay and stay at my parents' for example. Like, I hate my parents, but if I knew the choice was between succumbing to addiction or staying under their roof and getting free meals while I get my shit together, I know fully well which one I would have chosen. And mind you, he was always very buddy buddy with my parents and they loved him, he was their prodigal son.

What is super ironic is that mom especially seemed really stoked about arranging the funeral. My brother wanted to be cremated and have his ashes scattered in the sea, but "because it's frozen" and "because his daughter needs a plaque to remember him by" they will go against his wishes and take his urn to a nature reserve where they will later also take his dog's urn. And she said she'll take a nice picture of the urn to remember him by and that she and dad want to be scattered on the other side of the lake, not too close. WHAT. IS. WRONG. WITH. THAT. ABSOLUTE. HAG.???

I said in my driest voice that if he wanted to be scattered in the sea, maybe he should be. And that they could always drill an ice fishing hole or wait for spring if the ice is an issue. Mom basically hyena laughed and joked about my silliness with dad.

I mean, a funeral is for the living. But mom and dad will make it their own Broadway musical. That goes against my sensibilities.
 
Well... no wonder you feel all kind of ways. This is all I've got, sorry: :grouphug: Oh, and I'm glad you have an official reason to not go to their excuse for a funeral. Reasons are for reasonable people but they can also help us feel better about our decisions and boundaries.
 
LaMaria said:
Reasons are for reasonable people but they can also help us feel better about our decisions and boundaries.
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This was so well put. Thank you. :grouphug:

Sometimes I feel like this new drama is pulling me under the toxic sludge of my childhood home emotional dynamics. But then I remember: while I feel like shit at times, I cal at least call sludge a sludge. It baffles me that my family thinks they are the normal and healthy ones...
 
Your family are absolutely toxic. I am so glad you are away from them & that you do have an added excuse for not going to the funeral. I also don't think you needed any more excuses as they are very unhealthy for your personal wellbeing & I would put that well above any other considerations. They make me feel sick, so no wonder you are so churned up. I can only send you a gazillion hugs & lots of love. You need to look after yourself :grouphug:
 
Oh shit! Almost forgot about the food stuff. So yeah, after the gym I had my locker room porridge. I made it savory this time, with oats, PB, nutritional yeast, and a bit of salt as I have had a lot of muscle cramps lately. In the bar, I had a 0´33l wheat beer and a 4cl vodka shot, as mentioned. I ate the 75g bag of seaweed chips on my way back home. At home, I have had the four beers, and half a bag of cassava chips. Obviously, nothing deep fried is a health food, but at least cassava chips are made of thick slices of said root veg, and taste-wise seem way less greasy than tater chips. Will have one arugula, egg, and salmon wrap before bedtime.

Tomorrow I'll make a red lentil soup! Yum!

One thing at a time.
 
Took a shower. Still hungry aften having a somen noodle bowl with arugula, salmon , and spices/condiments (I felt like the wraps would not be enough).

Took a shower, dishwasher is on, will have two rye sandwiches with king oyster mushroom and _something_ later if necessary.
 
Just keep swimming... I think you're doing great, given the circumstances. Plenty of people would've crumbled at this point.
 
Woke up to walk Nera in the morning, fed and medicated her, went back to sleep, slept until 1PM. Must have been tired.

Breakfast: roasted chickpeas in spinach-oat cream sauce and pasta. Made two portions and will try to eat them both in one go. I didn't have that rye bread and mushies last night, but finished the cassava chips instead. This tells me I need to fill up on proper food as much as possible.

I haven't yet decided if I'll take a rest day or go aqua jogging today. My body doesn't really feel up to the task and my feet are very sore, which usually tells me that I'm starting to feel too depleted to keep muscle tone. I noticed while cooking that my knees slip into overextension whenever I lose focus. On the other hand, aqua jogging is not hard on the joints. I'll eat, have coffee, and decide after that.

I was so deep in thought that I accidentally tossed some congee that would still have been fine to eat. Luckily, congee is dirt cheap. But I can see from the general disheveledness of my thoughts and ability to function that I'm wearing thin in the mental department.

Listening to a podcast about greyhound racing while eating. Such a horrible sport, poor animals. But making myself cry helps with the feeling that my soul has frozen over.
 
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