Floater's diary
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Floater
Well-known member
I truly appreciate your compassion and understanding. Thank you.
Floater
Well-known member
I think the understanding of the situation is starting to settle in. My body doesn't feel too good, terrible heartburn (and I didn't even open the whiskey yet) and cramps in my legs. Had a piece of cheese and made more tea + took potassium-magnesium supplements and my daily vitamins. Not that they will do much but I guess the sentiment of at least trying to help myself feel better is worth something.
Reminder: I still have a bowl of potato soup in the fridge. Fruit on the countertop, visible, washed easy to just grab and chop and eat. Drink water/tea. Clean dishes in the washer. Fed is best, just as LaMa always says.
I'm pretty worried that I'll have nightmares tonight. I don't want to dream about my dead brother. I don't think he's any nicer dead than alive. But: I emailed my therapist and priest and the latter already answered that she can squeeze me in for an emergency talk if need be. My therapist answers during office hours. The autism assistance folks know of this, too. So do my closest friends. So I need to only focus on eating and keeping myself sane.
Reminder: I still have a bowl of potato soup in the fridge. Fruit on the countertop, visible, washed easy to just grab and chop and eat. Drink water/tea. Clean dishes in the washer. Fed is best, just as LaMa always says.
I'm pretty worried that I'll have nightmares tonight. I don't want to dream about my dead brother. I don't think he's any nicer dead than alive. But: I emailed my therapist and priest and the latter already answered that she can squeeze me in for an emergency talk if need be. My therapist answers during office hours. The autism assistance folks know of this, too. So do my closest friends. So I need to only focus on eating and keeping myself sane.
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Cate
Long term member
& that is how I feel about it too. Reading about your brother & how he treated you really shook me up at the time, but I didn't tell you. I am sorry that your family is the way they are & you have to go through all of this. You have done well to get away from them. Do you feel that you have to go to the funeral?
I am so, so glad that you take such good care of yourself
Floater
Well-known member
@Cate thank you.
And I'm sorry that what I wrote back then about my childhood disturbed and upset you. I know that many, many other people live with family-related trauma. I'm frankly not yet sure what I want to do about the funeral. On one hand, it would make it feel real and final. But then his ex-wife (who is a really nice, gentle soul) and his small daughter will be there, and I don't know if I'm able to handle the grief of a child, I think I would see myself in her too much. I think she's 6 or 7 now? That's a terrible loss for a kid regardless of the quality of the parent. Lots of factors to take into consideration.
If I go, I will do my best to get an assistance person to go there with me. I mean, my family already considers me to be the black sheep of the family and a lily-livered, embarassing, crazy one anyway, so in a way that gives me the options to a) arrive with professional help by my side or b) to not go at all (and play it off as me being incapacitated on my Victorian-era fainting couch). Both would save me the effort to worry about my appearance and dealing with being misgendered. As it's pandemic times, I doubt the reception would be big anyway, but it would absolutely kill me to play nice with distant relatives that have last seen me when I was 17 and su*c*dal.
For a moment when I was aqua jogging I did amuse myself with the fantasy of pulling off some subtly but undeniably underhanded joke during my eulogy, or appearing to the service dressed in something subtly but undeniably queer to make the fundie relatives lose their marbles, but because of my brother's kid and ex-wife being there I obviously will not do anything to rock the boat. I may not respect my brother (or the rest of the family) in death any more than in life, he was a bully and a deeply messed up guy, but the child has the right to grieve in peace.
And I'm sorry that what I wrote back then about my childhood disturbed and upset you. I know that many, many other people live with family-related trauma. I'm frankly not yet sure what I want to do about the funeral. On one hand, it would make it feel real and final. But then his ex-wife (who is a really nice, gentle soul) and his small daughter will be there, and I don't know if I'm able to handle the grief of a child, I think I would see myself in her too much. I think she's 6 or 7 now? That's a terrible loss for a kid regardless of the quality of the parent. Lots of factors to take into consideration.
If I go, I will do my best to get an assistance person to go there with me. I mean, my family already considers me to be the black sheep of the family and a lily-livered, embarassing, crazy one anyway, so in a way that gives me the options to a) arrive with professional help by my side or b) to not go at all (and play it off as me being incapacitated on my Victorian-era fainting couch). Both would save me the effort to worry about my appearance and dealing with being misgendered. As it's pandemic times, I doubt the reception would be big anyway, but it would absolutely kill me to play nice with distant relatives that have last seen me when I was 17 and su*c*dal.
For a moment when I was aqua jogging I did amuse myself with the fantasy of pulling off some subtly but undeniably underhanded joke during my eulogy, or appearing to the service dressed in something subtly but undeniably queer to make the fundie relatives lose their marbles, but because of my brother's kid and ex-wife being there I obviously will not do anything to rock the boat. I may not respect my brother (or the rest of the family) in death any more than in life, he was a bully and a deeply messed up guy, but the child has the right to grieve in peace.
Cate
Long term member
Please don't feel the need to apologise to me for the trauma that you suffered as a child. You had a trigger warning & I chose to read it anyway. It hurt me to know the pain that he put you through & I felt for you. It is not my pain.
I think you are quite amazing & have become such a strong person. You may not feel it at times but that's how I see you. Your respect for your brother's widow & child & putting them before you is admirable. I really mean that.
I hope that you can get assistance to go with you if you do go & maybe that would be an excuse to go just to the funeral & not the wake. We often just do that. Not going is also ok I think.
I think you are quite amazing & have become such a strong person. You may not feel it at times but that's how I see you. Your respect for your brother's widow & child & putting them before you is admirable. I really mean that.
I hope that you can get assistance to go with you if you do go & maybe that would be an excuse to go just to the funeral & not the wake. We often just do that. Not going is also ok I think.
Floater
Well-known member
That's so kind of you @Cate . Means a lot. Thank you.
I just had a wintry late night walk with Nera. It's -19, no wind. Everything - the trees, the roads, the houses, every blade of dead grass - is covered in glistening frost. The sky a deep dark black-blue. The chimney of a factory further away spilling fluffy steam that's cooling so fast as it exists that it forms a horizontal stream before it dissipates into the freezing air. Nera's blue light collar was like a little spark of hope and happiness reflecting off the snow as she ran around excitedly. We didn't stay out for too long because these temperatures are getting hard on any dog's paws, but she got to run and sniff around.
A really weird, almost sinful thought of relief popped into my head as we were walking. Me and my brother shared a lot of the same features. Relatives even used to comment about that. I often felt like he was the cup of joe, and I was a frothy estrogen latte version of him. It was infuriating to see the similarities but also the unavoidable differences in our heights, weight, voice, everything. And at the same time he was a person whom I truly resented. It was hard to figure out where the person I felt like inside started, and his toxic presence ended. I knew I didn't want to ever be like him. So that was one of the reasons it took me so long to take the plunge and decide I was ready to transition.
Now that he's gone, once I start HRT and testosterone will start to mold my face and body and voice, I no longer need to fear that I'll see him staring back at me in the mirror as if I was living in some post-modern version of "The Portrait of Dorian Gray". Many trans men express and share their joy in having friends and relatives say "you look like gramps/dad/your bro" once the effects start to show, and even share pictures to compare familiar features with male relatives and siblings. I was always terrified of this, as if I were to wake up one day and see the face of a horrific monster, and the ethics to go with that face. But I guess that now, in my head, the face that was once his is vacant; like a wilderness I can make my home in, coexist with my past, present and future. It will be my face to cherish and to see change like the seasons change. I survived; very literally. I outlived him. Goes to show that "survival of the fittest" doesn't mean survival of the most aggressive, or the most physically gifted, or the most handsome, or even the smartest. Being adaptable, seeking reciprocal comfort and support, accepting one's limits, and questioning societal value systems to be better able to handle one's own perceived shortcomings might be "traditionally feminine" values but God in Heaven knows I'm not about to ditch those now, or ever; not even when I see echoes of my brother's face in reflecting surfaces once that chapter of my life rolls in right and proper.
Take care everyone. I hope I don't sound too self-obsessed. I think I might actually sleep decently well tonight; even if he appears in my dreams, his face no longer belongs to him.
I just had a wintry late night walk with Nera. It's -19, no wind. Everything - the trees, the roads, the houses, every blade of dead grass - is covered in glistening frost. The sky a deep dark black-blue. The chimney of a factory further away spilling fluffy steam that's cooling so fast as it exists that it forms a horizontal stream before it dissipates into the freezing air. Nera's blue light collar was like a little spark of hope and happiness reflecting off the snow as she ran around excitedly. We didn't stay out for too long because these temperatures are getting hard on any dog's paws, but she got to run and sniff around.
A really weird, almost sinful thought of relief popped into my head as we were walking. Me and my brother shared a lot of the same features. Relatives even used to comment about that. I often felt like he was the cup of joe, and I was a frothy estrogen latte version of him. It was infuriating to see the similarities but also the unavoidable differences in our heights, weight, voice, everything. And at the same time he was a person whom I truly resented. It was hard to figure out where the person I felt like inside started, and his toxic presence ended. I knew I didn't want to ever be like him. So that was one of the reasons it took me so long to take the plunge and decide I was ready to transition.
Now that he's gone, once I start HRT and testosterone will start to mold my face and body and voice, I no longer need to fear that I'll see him staring back at me in the mirror as if I was living in some post-modern version of "The Portrait of Dorian Gray". Many trans men express and share their joy in having friends and relatives say "you look like gramps/dad/your bro" once the effects start to show, and even share pictures to compare familiar features with male relatives and siblings. I was always terrified of this, as if I were to wake up one day and see the face of a horrific monster, and the ethics to go with that face. But I guess that now, in my head, the face that was once his is vacant; like a wilderness I can make my home in, coexist with my past, present and future. It will be my face to cherish and to see change like the seasons change. I survived; very literally. I outlived him. Goes to show that "survival of the fittest" doesn't mean survival of the most aggressive, or the most physically gifted, or the most handsome, or even the smartest. Being adaptable, seeking reciprocal comfort and support, accepting one's limits, and questioning societal value systems to be better able to handle one's own perceived shortcomings might be "traditionally feminine" values but God in Heaven knows I'm not about to ditch those now, or ever; not even when I see echoes of my brother's face in reflecting surfaces once that chapter of my life rolls in right and proper.
Take care everyone. I hope I don't sound too self-obsessed. I think I might actually sleep decently well tonight; even if he appears in my dreams, his face no longer belongs to him.
Another beautiful post.
Drama baby, but impressively so.
I hope that feeling of relief will stay with you for a while. I agree with Cate that it's the noble thing to do to put the feelings of a child before your grown-up ones but there's no reason to be ashamed of the relief that lives only inside your head and on this page.
I hope so. You deserve a rest.
Floater
Well-known member
Floater
Well-known member
I have been feeling really cold, and thinking is hard. I have a wicked headache. Still managed to clean up: clean the kitchen, do and hang laundry, wipe the floors with a static cloth, and wash them with water (the air inside the apartment is so dry that the static cloth just couldn't pick up all of the dog hair, and I wanted to make the air nicer to breathe). I'm now making congee and snacking on half a box of cherry tomatoes. I'll have avocado, lentils, pumpkin seeds, and a marinated egg with the congee.
Sensory issues are heightened. I tried wearing my gym pants but they felt like they were falling off of me and I just couldn't handle the feel of polyester. Usually this is not an issue, so I think it's nerves (and dry skin). I called the swimming hall and they said that the swimsuit I forgot there will be washed by the cleaners and I can pick it up from the reception. I hope they won't wash it in hot water... Why the hell do I worry so much about a swimsuit...
I have absolutely no motivation to go to the gym. Oh and I just got a notification that my rent will be raised in March. It's just 7 euros, but it still bugs me :/ I have to inform the social services and the pension payer and everything. Not today. I'll see how I feel after eating and decide whether I'll go to the gym or not based on that.
EDIT apple for dessert. I feel like shit. Took me half an hour to eat a bowl of congee.
Sensory issues are heightened. I tried wearing my gym pants but they felt like they were falling off of me and I just couldn't handle the feel of polyester. Usually this is not an issue, so I think it's nerves (and dry skin). I called the swimming hall and they said that the swimsuit I forgot there will be washed by the cleaners and I can pick it up from the reception. I hope they won't wash it in hot water... Why the hell do I worry so much about a swimsuit...
I have absolutely no motivation to go to the gym. Oh and I just got a notification that my rent will be raised in March. It's just 7 euros, but it still bugs me :/ I have to inform the social services and the pension payer and everything. Not today. I'll see how I feel after eating and decide whether I'll go to the gym or not based on that.
EDIT apple for dessert. I feel like shit. Took me half an hour to eat a bowl of congee.
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Dry air makes everything feel awful. And worrying about a bathing suit makes sense when you actually use it: decent suits are expensive and hard to replace during winter. Especially when you're uncomfortable in your body. Great job getting some cleaning done and eating even though you didn't want to. I hope you make it to the gym and feel a bit better after.
Floater
Well-known member
I hope so too... But I just took Nera out and the weather is just terrible. It's -16 but with heavy mist that makes everything feel colder than yesterday´s -20. I'll ask the assistance worker what her opinion is, she'll be here in 45 mins.
Floater
Well-known member
The assistance person suggested that I should take a day off and go to the gym tomorrow. I think it's a good idea. She'll be here at noon and I have already packed my gym gear. Today I might just wear myself out and risk a longer break. The temps will be nicer tomorrow, too!
Dinner: a warm salad with brussel sprouts, yellow carrot, roasted chickpeas, and one chicken thigh. Everything still tastes like cardboard but the textures are nice. Veg/fruit intake today has been great. I think I´ll have some whiskey tonight, I won't go overboard knowing that I need to be at the gym in the afternoon tomorrow. Nera had a nice walk. I'm having leg cramps for some reason.
Dinner: a warm salad with brussel sprouts, yellow carrot, roasted chickpeas, and one chicken thigh. Everything still tastes like cardboard but the textures are nice. Veg/fruit intake today has been great. I think I´ll have some whiskey tonight, I won't go overboard knowing that I need to be at the gym in the afternoon tomorrow. Nera had a nice walk. I'm having leg cramps for some reason.
Floater
Well-known member
I love both but the sprouts are just too adorable <3
Yeah the cramping is most likely psychological because diet- and exercise wise I haven't done anything too out of the norm lately. And the cold weather makes me tense up, in addition to the news about my brother of course.
Cate
Long term member
Brussel sprouts are delicious, especially steamed, but I love broccoli too.
Tension can certainly cause cramps. I know it can with me anyway & when you have a cramp, it is SO hard to relax your muscles. Do you have any sort of oil you can massage into the affected muscles? I know I suggested magnesium oil, but anything you have, even moisturiser would help.
One thing you could try to do on really cold days when you just can't get out is put on some good music & dance. Dancing is great exercise & really lifts my mood. I may not feel like it when I start, but the music usually lifts me up. Actually, I must do a playlist just for that purpose.
Tension can certainly cause cramps. I know it can with me anyway & when you have a cramp, it is SO hard to relax your muscles. Do you have any sort of oil you can massage into the affected muscles? I know I suggested magnesium oil, but anything you have, even moisturiser would help.
One thing you could try to do on really cold days when you just can't get out is put on some good music & dance. Dancing is great exercise & really lifts my mood. I may not feel like it when I start, but the music usually lifts me up. Actually, I must do a playlist just for that purpose.
Floater
Well-known member
OK the thing I was afraid about has started: my parents looking at me for emotional support. I'm not talking about my phone blowing up or anything, but it's so weird to see things in their texts messages that they also used when I was SA'd at 18. It's like I can't NOT respond in consoling ways, but it also kills me to see "thank you for your kind words" over and over again. It's like I have to be nice when I just need to withdraw into my inner fantasy land for a while to deal.
Nera's chicken feet and reindeer ribs arrived! The best part of today was bringing the box home from the post and looking at her expression when she realized what's inside
She will help me through this.
@Cate , I should try dancing later on. I actually have a whole history when it comes to dance: it was one of the things I really wanted to be good at but never was good at. Decent, yeah, but it took me a while to get over the disappointment and to just enjoy the movement as is. (Karaoke did the same for my fears about singing.) Life is not a performance, it's OK to just dabble in stuff for the pure joy of the action itself! Maybe some day I will enroll in a hip hop dance class. Might be fun to learn new ways to move this body in ways that are good for channeling intent and aggression.
Need to eat before bedtime: I'm thinking the last chicken leg with two toasted tortillas, avocado, goat cheese, and arugula.
I wish I could regain the sense of hope from yesterday. Now I feel the weight of having to be there for the relatives and talking to my parents again. But I will survive.
Nera's chicken feet and reindeer ribs arrived! The best part of today was bringing the box home from the post and looking at her expression when she realized what's inside
She will help me through this.@Cate , I should try dancing later on. I actually have a whole history when it comes to dance: it was one of the things I really wanted to be good at but never was good at. Decent, yeah, but it took me a while to get over the disappointment and to just enjoy the movement as is. (Karaoke did the same for my fears about singing.) Life is not a performance, it's OK to just dabble in stuff for the pure joy of the action itself! Maybe some day I will enroll in a hip hop dance class. Might be fun to learn new ways to move this body in ways that are good for channeling intent and aggression.
Need to eat before bedtime: I'm thinking the last chicken leg with two toasted tortillas, avocado, goat cheese, and arugula.
I wish I could regain the sense of hope from yesterday. Now I feel the weight of having to be there for the relatives and talking to my parents again. But I will survive.