Floater's diary

I managed to eat 1,3 portions of the pasta and tossed the rest. Took a short effect ADHD med and had coffee and I'm still so god damn tired!! I might try to take a nap.
 
Floater said:
Breakfast: roasted chickpeas in spinach-oat cream sauce and pasta.
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Sounds delicious. Maybe I should revisit roasted chickpeas (the only form in which I can stand the flavor of chickpeas) as an ingredient in warm dishes rather than a cold snack 🤔
Floater said:
But making myself cry helps with the feeling that my soul has frozen over.
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Sometimes crying is medicinal. Hope you manage that nap.
 
I'll go swimming. No appetite but I bet that will change. I think I'll just aqua jog for an hour this time. Might be better for my psyche and body to exercise more frequently, even daily if necessary, but with slightly lower intensity, until the emotional fallout of Bomb Big Bro has cleared up.
 
I'm pretty sure that my reproductive organs are trying to eat themselves out of my FUPA like the Alien. I had to find the nearest toilet which happened to be at a bar because I was scared I would shit my pants... Horrid cramps. It's also super windy and moist outside, so my thin viscose pants aren't up to the task.

I didn't mention this earlier, but I had horrid nightmares last night and woke up in tears. Hmm. I think that after I have finished my beer, I'll go to the loo again, and hope I can make the 3km trip back home without any bush-shitting.
 
The weather has turned completely; now it's rain, with the snow cover quickly turning to deadly, slippery sleet.

Got baby spinach, mung bean sprouts, two 150g packs of gravlax, a red apple, and corn tortillas on my way home. The lax was a bargain - -30% and expiration date on 12.12. I'm way too tired to make the lentil stew right now. So I'll make gravlax, bean sprout, and spinach wraps for dinner. Had my post workout porridge after getting home. Feeling terrible in general, mentally and physically. Cramps not just in my innards but also in my legs. Will take a sedative once the beer has exited my system.
 
No, wait! I'll roast potatoes in the oven. I think that a carb heavy, warm meal (with potatoes as the main, and some nuts, fish, ham, and greens on the side) could calm me down and ground me. The goat cheese will still be good tomorrow anyway
 
Just read over your last day's posts & I just want to magic myself over there & give you a big hug! I hope that stomach settles. If you haven't eaten that apple yet, eat it without the peel. Your soul definitely has not frozen! Just because your family is so F#*#ed, does not mean that you are soulless for not feeling loving towards them. I think your soul seems to be in a good place. Nera agrees with me.
That evening roast potato dish sounds good. I hope it does the trick & settles you down. Sleep well xoxo
 
Rest day today. Caught a cold walking back home. Nothing too bad, but swollen lymph nodes and a sore throat.
 
Update: had to take out recyclables anyway, so I ended up walking to the supermarket. They had a big sale on fresh leafy greens so I got a bag of Brussel's sprouts, a broccoli, two packs of spring onions, and two big bags of salad - all this for five euros, when none of these things are in season so they are usually quite expensive this time of the year! :D I also got a cheap quart bottle of whiskey from the liquor store. I think that under these circumstances, as long as I won't go overboard, it's OK to indulge every now and then.

The swimming pool will be open from 2PM to 4pm tomorrow so I can either go there or hit the gym if I feel healthy enough.
 
I think I'll be fine; walking seemed to clear out my sinuses. I know from experience that my body reacts to emotional stress similarly to a flu.

I didn't eat until 4PM, I had leftover roasted potatoes with goat cheese and spring onions. A snack/antipasto style of portion rather than a real meal, but it gave me enough energy to get a lentil stew going. I roasted a big shallot onion, plenty of garlic, and a 250g box of cherry tomatoes in the oven, then added a pack of washed and soaked red lentils, tomato paste, ssamyang paste, cumin, and smoked paprika, boiled water, and slapped the whole pot right back into the oven where it will sit for a total of an hour. Assistance person came over, I did laundry, ran the dishwasher, wiped the floors with a static cloth, and we took Nera for a walk and talked about the brother situation.

Basically, I only need to hang the laundry to dry and enjoy some lovely lentil stew and that's all for tonight.
 
You ended your day very well. That one pot stew sounds so nutritious & delicious & I'm glad that you had a walk & talk with Nera & the assistance person. It's great that you have that support xo
 
I was ravenous last night and had ham and cheese wraps with spinach, noodles with a fried egg and king oyster mushrooms, and a handful of walnuts before bed.

Today my body feels weird. I just want to sleep!!!
 
LaMaria said:
Body trying to help the brain process by delivering more resources?
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Probably.

I had breakfast: two wraps with fried mushrooms and bean sprouts, fresh spinach, and gravlax. Not particularly enjoyable, the textures didn't end up going too well together and the wrap got mushy from the warm veggies.

The pool will close at 5PM today and it's almost 2PM now, so I will either have to settle for a shorter aqua jogging session, or have a third rest day in a row, or go to the gym. None of these options feel good to me. I did walk a lot yesterday, but I also had whiskey so I definitely didn't end up in kcal deficit. Then again, getting buzzed was the preferable option to being anxious out of my mind. I maxxed out on my ADHD meds after breakfast. Maybe they'll drag me out of this stupor for long enough that I can get up and move my body. I'm going to have trouble falling asleep because of the meds tonight, but whatever.

Dysphoria is killing me today. I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin. The trans clinic appointment is on Tuesday. I feel like I haven't put in enough work to be "one of the good trannies" (please don't use that word unless you are trans yourself, it's like the n-word). Like, shit, I wish I had 3% body fat and rippling muscles instead of having this stupid doll-face and humongous milkers and a soft belly. I know I'll never look like Elliot Page, partly because he has resources available that I never will. And ultimately it's not about my looks of course. I'll be a horrid monster and a freak in the eyes of the general public forever I guess. I just want my own experience in this body to be a little bit more tolerable. I'm not asking for the Moon, I'm just asking for a body I could stand to look in the mirror.
 
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