Floater's diary
- Thread starter Floater
- Start date
You know that would kill you, of course. I hope you managed to get the pool. A shorter session sounds good on a hard day!
I'm sure the anxiety about the clinic visit isn't helping right now so I hope you can be kind to yourself.
Floater
Well-known member
I didn't. Because I'm a piece of shit transtrender with mental health issues and I haven't been able to get out of bed. Now the pool is closed.
Floater
Well-known member
TRUTH.
I had a long-ish walk outside with Nera, and didn't wear a hat or gloves, and the cold seemed to help. I've been so anxious today that all my clothes are damp. Yuck. Oh well, I'll have another walk later and hop in the shower after that. Tomorrow the assistance person will come again and I'll ask her to give me a lift to either the gym or the pool, depending on my mood.
Trying to turn my thoughts around. OK, right now I feel like dog shit and like I look like one of the Grunts from "Amnesia: the dark descent", but I know for a fact that the trans clinic appointment will go well. I have plenty of support and I have put a lot of thought into this. It will show; just like hours of practice will show at a violin recital. I have the base built. (And yeah of course I wasn't being literal about the 3% of body fat; that's a greyhound's body composition, not a human's. Also pretty sure that Elliot Page has been a clinical anorexic both before and after his transition, not that it's any of my business.)
I guess that on some level the brother situation overlapping with the transition situation stirs up some super extra hellish level of dysphoria and trauma stuff. But maybe I can try to think that time fixed the brother issue and time will fix my body issues too, or at least to the degree that current science allows. OK, got my bearings straight.
Floater
Well-known member
Announcement:
I have decided that from this day on I refuse to act as a free information service for surficially benevolent bigots. Even those who claim to have (had) "trans friends". (Sounds so much like "some of mah best frens are blacks" nonsense.) The discussions I have engaged in on this website in the past few days have been absolutely disastrous on my mental health, and I am tired of listening to pearl clutching about "waaaaaahhh I do not understand NeW iDeNtItIeS" on a site I joined for the sole purpose of furthering my health and transition goals.
Google is fucking free, and people with normal reading comprehension skills _ARE_ in fact able to educate themselves. The main reason trans people face violence and why, for example, my own country demands I be sterilized before being allowed to transition is because cis people dehumanize us. I'm done playing subservient just to avoid causing any cis discomfort. I have mentioned here how my own parents tried to have my rapist move into their house with when I was 18, because to them that was the preferable option to me being queer and living free. They used to say it was out of "worry for my future", but it was all about bigotry and control over my body.
It is THE WORST FEELING to have to distance yourself from your emotions to explain the basics of sex and gender to an adult person as if they were a toddler just to be rewarded with them clearly not having even read the response. I know the education system in some countries is dog shit, but I can not make up for that and I have more important things to do with my one lifetime than to lick bigot boots. I will be called crazy whether I submit or whether I stand up to myself, so I choose the latter and my dignity.
Thank you for understanding.
I will now try to fall asleep into my next stress-induced nightmare.
I have decided that from this day on I refuse to act as a free information service for surficially benevolent bigots. Even those who claim to have (had) "trans friends". (Sounds so much like "some of mah best frens are blacks" nonsense.) The discussions I have engaged in on this website in the past few days have been absolutely disastrous on my mental health, and I am tired of listening to pearl clutching about "waaaaaahhh I do not understand NeW iDeNtItIeS" on a site I joined for the sole purpose of furthering my health and transition goals.
Google is fucking free, and people with normal reading comprehension skills _ARE_ in fact able to educate themselves. The main reason trans people face violence and why, for example, my own country demands I be sterilized before being allowed to transition is because cis people dehumanize us. I'm done playing subservient just to avoid causing any cis discomfort. I have mentioned here how my own parents tried to have my rapist move into their house with when I was 18, because to them that was the preferable option to me being queer and living free. They used to say it was out of "worry for my future", but it was all about bigotry and control over my body.
It is THE WORST FEELING to have to distance yourself from your emotions to explain the basics of sex and gender to an adult person as if they were a toddler just to be rewarded with them clearly not having even read the response. I know the education system in some countries is dog shit, but I can not make up for that and I have more important things to do with my one lifetime than to lick bigot boots. I will be called crazy whether I submit or whether I stand up to myself, so I choose the latter and my dignity.
Thank you for understanding.
I will now try to fall asleep into my next stress-induced nightmare.
Floater
Well-known member
Much better.
Haven't been able to fall asleep again, because I'm so riled up still by the sheer stupidity I let myself get sucked in and play along. But at least I understand now that the correct response is not to tuck my tail and scurry away from a place that usually helps me cope. So it's time for breakfast.
By the way, if anyone reads this, statistically mothers don't lose their AFAB kids because the kids transition and get murdered by randos, but because those kids grow up into cis women who date and marry men, and then get murdered by their cis hetero hubsies. Just food for thought. Yum yum. FUCK.
Hm. I have no appetite. But I need carbs. Will act accordingly. Gym day today, a shame they don't have a punching bag. I am reminded of taking boxing classes as a kid. When my mom was once again approaching me with the intention of beating me up for some absurd "reason", I remember standing up to her and my voice shaking but with firm intent telling her that now I know how to hit back, and that I will if she ever hurts me again. Of course, she would still pinch my boobs or pat my butt while helping me into recital dresses and the psychological abuse never ended to this day, but I do have to say that combat sports can be great for building confidence.
Haven't been able to fall asleep again, because I'm so riled up still by the sheer stupidity I let myself get sucked in and play along. But at least I understand now that the correct response is not to tuck my tail and scurry away from a place that usually helps me cope. So it's time for breakfast.
By the way, if anyone reads this, statistically mothers don't lose their AFAB kids because the kids transition and get murdered by randos, but because those kids grow up into cis women who date and marry men, and then get murdered by their cis hetero hubsies. Just food for thought. Yum yum. FUCK.
Hm. I have no appetite. But I need carbs. Will act accordingly. Gym day today, a shame they don't have a punching bag. I am reminded of taking boxing classes as a kid. When my mom was once again approaching me with the intention of beating me up for some absurd "reason", I remember standing up to her and my voice shaking but with firm intent telling her that now I know how to hit back, and that I will if she ever hurts me again. Of course, she would still pinch my boobs or pat my butt while helping me into recital dresses and the psychological abuse never ended to this day, but I do have to say that combat sports can be great for building confidence.
If you don't want to explain something to me, then don't. This is a weight loss forum, not a site about sexuality or gender. It is not my job to be well versed in your political perspectives. If you want that kind of peer group, join that kind of forum. If you think of me as a benevolent bigot, then why write to me? I am not angry and really could care less what you think of me. I just wanted you to know I saw your post, and I am not impressed. I hope you find what you are looking for on this site, and that in the future we can just ignore each other. I am not interested in this type of engagement.
Floater
Well-known member
@Marsia , this is my diary to write about what I want to write about. It's also common sense that I have the right to stand up for my own existence and that of other minorities, it's not as if people didn't discuss topics outside weightloss and fitness here.
Your bigotry and fear is no less "political", and I played nice and accommodated to you until it got clear to me that it was only going to be a huge waste of my time. Writing about this decision in my public diary will save me time and effort in the future should similar issues arise. If you have trouble understanding this, maybe dig out the trusty CBT worksheets and explore why your emotions of discomfort constitute the "truth" to you, but people living their lives, doing no harm, and having normal human rights is "political' to you. Alternatively, if you wanna live where the gays are still hung or thrown off buildings, Iran is a great option.
Have a blessed day nonetheless.
On to other topics:
Great. The assistance person who was supposed to arrive today did not - some schedule error. And my trans clinic doc has gotten sick, so I am only meeting with a nurse tomorrow.
Your bigotry and fear is no less "political", and I played nice and accommodated to you until it got clear to me that it was only going to be a huge waste of my time. Writing about this decision in my public diary will save me time and effort in the future should similar issues arise. If you have trouble understanding this, maybe dig out the trusty CBT worksheets and explore why your emotions of discomfort constitute the "truth" to you, but people living their lives, doing no harm, and having normal human rights is "political' to you. Alternatively, if you wanna live where the gays are still hung or thrown off buildings, Iran is a great option.
Have a blessed day nonetheless.
On to other topics:
Great. The assistance person who was supposed to arrive today did not - some schedule error. And my trans clinic doc has gotten sick, so I am only meeting with a nurse tomorrow.
Sorry to hear it. People do say negatives come in threes so I say you're due some good stuff again. Best of luck with your appointment!
Floater
Well-known member
Thank you!
And guess what? My day DID get turned around, just as I was feeling like I've reached my limit. It turned out that the assistance folks had just muddled with the schedules a bit, so today's worker just arrived an hour late. I also asked around in one of my FMT groups if they ever faced a similar issue with a doc supposed to being there but just meeting with a nurse, and they said it happens and shouldn't have any effect on the schedule of the treatments.
I was so happy about this that I ended taking a 2,5 hour walk, first to the supermarket to buy cheap ham, potatoes, oat cream, tortillas, and grated cheese (as these seem to be my current "safety foods" and all of them go well with the fresh produce I got a few days ago), and then walked across the rail road tracks to the next district to pick up my cheap sweatpants form the post. Let's hope they'll fit! The ground was super icy and slippery, so I can definitely feel it in my buttocks and core that I walked for quite a while. But that just makes me happy because it was a good low-impact cardio workout.
Now, I just need to keep up a positive attitude, eat well tonight, have a lovely walk with Nera, and tomorrow will be great. I might heat up the sauna tonight... We'll see.
Floater
Well-known member
Snack: half a pack of ham, cherry tomatoes.
I'm making soft-boiled marinated eggs again, this time with a spicy marinade with scallions, soy sauce, mushroom soy sauce, scorpion hot sauce, and mirin. I'll have cold udon noodles with marinated eggs, ceryy tomatoes, chopped salad, maybe some silken tofu too for dinner - but I'll walk Nera first to let the eggs marinate a bit. They only get better in the fridge, and store up to four days if turned around daily. Not that they ever last me that long
I'm making soft-boiled marinated eggs again, this time with a spicy marinade with scallions, soy sauce, mushroom soy sauce, scorpion hot sauce, and mirin. I'll have cold udon noodles with marinated eggs, ceryy tomatoes, chopped salad, maybe some silken tofu too for dinner - but I'll walk Nera first to let the eggs marinate a bit. They only get better in the fridge, and store up to four days if turned around daily. Not that they ever last me that long
Floater
Well-known member
Hah, the trans clinic appointment was pretty much just a waste of time, the nurse asked me how I'm doing and then told me that the interviews will be done at a unit that specializes in autistics, as was expected. No clear timeline yet. But on the other hand it doesn't feel like they have any worries about my health or capability to handle the process and that's what matters.
I'm having heartburn. Made some coconut curry last night, need to eat the lentil stew today. Had ham for breakfast, just plain ham, I was too stressed out to have a proper meal. Still kind of wired but I'm happy about how the appointment went. I think I'll go and walk this out of my system.
I'm having heartburn. Made some coconut curry last night, need to eat the lentil stew today. Had ham for breakfast, just plain ham, I was too stressed out to have a proper meal. Still kind of wired but I'm happy about how the appointment went. I think I'll go and walk this out of my system.