Floater's diary

Keep taking good care of yourself, please. This is a stressful time & we need to look after ourselves :grouphug:
I promise! Thank you Cate. I had a ham and salad sandwich an hour ago, and will try to eat something warm before going to bed *hugs*
 
I'm in my therapist's waiting room. The weather is so beautiful... Golden sunlight, light breeze, temps just above zero C. I really enjoyed my walk here. Slept very badly, but woke up with Nera curled up by my feet, snoring away peacefully. She is such a darling. Not just my beloved pet but also my rock.

I bought a cheese and ham sandwich on my way here and ate it outside, just soaking in the city center, as modest as it is.

(Reminder to self to watch A.I. again. I thought about that movie while eating the sandwich.)
 
OK therapy was great. I had some fried chicken afterwards because I knew I would need energy to deal with everything I squeezed out in therapy. I really felt a connection with my therapist today, and was comfortable and trusting that he can help me navigate everything that's on my plate right now. Walked home; we are enjoying a beautiful full moon here and it was so cool to watch it slowly appear against the pastel sky. As I got home, I took Nera out for a long walk right away.

It felt good to speak out in therapy also about what kind of a man I want to be. It makes me feel almost like it maybe isn't such a detriment that I need to take some extra steps to be perceived as one, because let's face it, there are a lot of terrible guys out there who just ride the high provided by their junk. And by this I mean the unjust societal benefits men reap day in and out. It's crazy to me that women and femme folks are considered "less than", and treated that way too. :(

The hottest take today was when I explained to my therapist what's going to happen next in my transition process. I'll first have a "life span interview" with a nurse, this will take 2-3 visits; then 3-4 psychiatrist's visits, and 2-3 doctor's interviews before I can get diagnosed as transgender and referred to the hormone clinic. He said, direct quote, "that's like living on pretrial detention" and commented on how insanely unjust it is that any of the three people doing the interviewing can basically put a halt on my process on a whim. While I do trust my ability to navigate this absolute circus, it did feel good to have someone get mad on my behalf, and comment on how draconian the system really is.

I think I'll have a good day today. I feel at peace. It felt so good to say in therapy that what I truly want in life, in the romantic sense, is to have a safe home, someone to take care of, and to make them happy. This dream will carry me though the nurse's interviews, however invasive and annoying/triggering they might be.
 
It's a wonderful thing that you have such a great rapport with your therapist & were able to express what you really want in life & to get that support.
I think I'll encourage our son, R to get another dog soon. His dog was his rock. I can't imagine my life without Archie.
 
@Cate dogs really are angels. Just knowing I need to care for Nera has carried me through so many dark spots in my life. And the joy of watching a happy dog sniff around outside is next to nothing else. And thank you, my therapist really is a MVP <3
 
Last night my ex had been at a Christmas party and asked me if I wanted to partake in some devil's lettuce after, his treat. I saw no reason not to, as I won't be having any lab work done in the next weeks. So we had a walk and a talk, and afterwards I went home and made myself some udon noodles and fried eggs. Slept like a log and didn't have nightmares, just those weird dreams that are almost like everyday life but not really.

Today has been a really slow day. I've mostly just taken care of Nera and slept. I guess my psyche needs some extra sleep to deal with everything now. But at least I'm not anxious, and haven't needed to refill my sleeping pills either. I just had my first meal of the day, a ham sandwich, cherry tomatoes, and walnuts, and my morning coffee at 4:30PM. I have to remember to eat the two sharon fruit that have been sitting on the counter for a while now, I would hate it if they were to go bad. I'm also out of eggs, which are one of my trusty crisis foods, so I'll go grocery shopping either today or tomorrow depending on how tired I'll feel. Assistance will come over tomorrow at noon and I plan to do some cleaning then.
 
I had noodles with scallions last night, as well as miso with corn before bed, and two sharon fruit and pumpkin seeds for breakfast just now. Appetite is an issue, clearly. But as long as I eat something, it's fine.

Feeling really stressed out about the person doing the interviews. I know that worrying is useless but it's hard to not worry in advance 😅 I hope I can sleep for a bit longer, the carbsy fruit helped me calm down somewhat.
 
I don't have one where I live right now but they are super convenient. I wish a combined oven/microwave was the standard in rentals here!
 
I don't have one where I live right now but they are super convenient. I wish a combined oven/microwave was the standard in rentals here!
Yeah, it's so easy to portion foods in bowls, Saran wrap them, fridge them, and microwave as needed. Of course I can heat meals in the oven or the stovetop too, but then there's extra dishes to make and it's slower too, even with an induction stove. And I want my food piping hot, which is easier to accomplish by microwaving it vs standing by the stove and having to actively watch the food while it heats up. Mashed potatoes, for example, also require quite a bit of oil to reheat on the stovetop, and the oven is a slow and wasteful method just for heating up scraps.

I had a bowl of egg noodles with some edamame, peas, and corn. The miso broth was way too salty but at least it was a warm meal. I'm having an apple and a handful of cashews for dessert, then it's time to take the dog out, do laundry, and put away clean dishes.
 
Poverty dinner: spinach and peas with mashed potatoes. Looks like prison food, but actually doesn't taste too bad!
 
I got a sudden craving for French onion soup (the temps have dropped again) and have a pot going, so by tomorrow my behind will be playing bugles. But it's such a great comfort food, even if it comes with some discomfort afterwards. I'm also really only in the mood for very simple tastes and textures, and it doesn't get much simpler than onions, oil, water, and a couple of spices. I'll have it with rye bread and vegan patée I found unopened in my cupboard. Might need to have something rich in protein before bedtime. I have some silken tofu in the fridge, maybe I'll go with that, it might actually taste great in the onion soup (and I just can't handle any more peas or beans for one day lol).

Tomorrow i will go aqua jogging as soon after waking up as I can; assistance visit is from 7-8PM so after that the pool will be closed. I guess it's a good thing I have spent a lot of time these past few days just sleeping and watching sitcoms, because I feel like I'm ready to take on the normal human world again.
 
I guess it's a good thing I have spent a lot of time these past few days just sleeping and watching sitcoms, because I feel like I'm ready to take on the normal human world again.
That's wonderful. Long may it last! Also: onion soup is amazing.
 
I'm glad that you have rested & feel stronger & more ready to face the world. Eating onion soup might help propel you through the water.
 
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