Excellent self care under difficult circumstances.
Thank you!
Are they getting their terminology mixed up or are they genuinely that clueless?
I think it might be a bit of both. This lady, while I believe she was genuinely nice and supportive, dropped some cringe gold like "it's proud of you to change your identity", the next sentence switching to "figuring out your sexuality", and the common twist of worrying that trans people are using "words as weapons" against cis people who "don't get it". Like, she sounded elderly and was in other ways really nice so I kept my cool; I think that some people are legit scared to come off as bigoted and then reflect that fear towards minorities who just kindly correct them.
However, it does make me sad that some cis folks kind of deal with everything outside cis-hetero as "sex weasel". I mean, some people are too horny for their own good but that's an issue of morals and conduct, not of gender or sexuality. And I think that this lady's age was also to be heard in her response when I was talking about how I put a lot of thought into what kind of a man I want to be once I have gone through the treatments. She said something along the lines of "so you were hurt by men and now as you are going to be the one taking the active role, you don't want to do the same" which is a pretty Dr Seuss take on the birds and the bees. And in a way, once again boils down to the idea that trans people only transition so they could f*ck people of the opposite gender which is of course a catastrophic take that has led cis people to murder trans folks, especially trans women.
But: I spent quite a while in the sauna, pondering about all this, and eventually decided that peace of mind is a gift only I can give to myself. What matters is that while this help line lady was kind of outdated in her expressions, at least she has now had a talk with one of the weird and scary trans people, and knows that we don't bite. I can't expect the world to be perfect, I am allowed to feel sad and conflicted about people's reactions, but eventually living as trans will elicit all sorts of responses from my surroundings. I think that having lived in the role of a woman might make it a tiny bit easier in a way to deal with bigotry, whether well-meaning/accidental or mean/purposeful. Women and folks perceived as women are treated abhorrently all the time and it's a lot of unpacking to do to even see that for most people. Of course, men have their own issues too but such is the nature of power in societal settings: whoever gets the lion's share also gets the lion's burdens. No one benefits from oppression in the long run.
What a rant, once again.
But I'm really feeling much better. When I was sitting in the sauna and looking at my reflection in the glass door, I kept molding my fluff to kind of figure what my eventual silhouette might be like. I know there's no certainty of a pleasant cosmetic outcome, but I can now also see the hard work I have put into this body already, and I can only wait for the HRT to start, and eventually, top surgery. It's not just that I'm finally able to consistently go to the gym and the pool, and mostly eat right. It's also that I'm once again able to do the little things that make me feel better: shaving, moisturizing so my skin looks as nice as possible, and using what little expendable money I have to make sure my hair is on fleek. My body has gone from something I would actively avoid looking at to a project: like an old house with "good bones". It is what it is, but what it is is not fundamentally bad or foul.
Hope. Having hope is great.
with LaMa. I see your "rants" as insights & they reflect your thought processes & intelligence. 