Emily Rose: The Reboot

Emilyrose said:
Who needs enemies that present themselves as friends?
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:iagree: Absolutely! And sorry about the irksome landlord/housemate business - hope it ebbs away into peace.

Emilyrose said:
Anyway, regardless of what happens with the house, I know I am a good person who is trying my best, and that’s all I can be. Wish me luck.
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:iagree: Absolutely, again! Wishing you all the luck in the world!
 
I get really irritated with my husband because he tends to feel he is the manager of the household. I have learned to just ask him not to manage me, but my blood pressure does go up as I ask that. I think it's because there is a part of me that isn't great at saying "no" and leaving it at that yet. There is a kids' song that I like to sing in my head, "NO.NO. NO. I don't wanna, I don't wanna. Leave me alone, leave me alone..." to loud punk music... :)
 
Petal, I did like living at home, but I feel that stage of my life needs to be over, for both them and me. It's not fair on them to have their adult child around. I also tend to go back into teenager mode when I'm there, which probably isn't healthy for anyone. I guess if things get really bad, it's an option.

Thank you Amy!

Hi Marsia, yes, it's that feeling of being trapped inside a glass jar when all you want to do is flap your wings and fly out the window! Maybe that's how I feel about my life in general. I realised that I hate anyone trying to boss me around. I'm the boss, dammit! :p

So, I have a date next weekend! With a different guy than before. He's Spanish, he seems really nice. I went back online, dipped my toe in to see if there was anyone nice, was totally depressed after scrolling through for about 20 minutes, didn't see anyone! But then, a couple of hours later, this guy sent me a message. What I liked about him and what makes me think we might have some connection is that on his profile, he said if you were into fake tan and fake eyebrows, he wasn't interested. I rarely wear make-up and haven't worn fake tan since I was in college. So I just think my whole look might appeal to him anyway. He's not looking for a glamour queen.

Anyway, we're going for coffee and a walk, and then maybe dinner and gin and tonics, depending on how it goes. I actually love going out with foreign guys because none of them will be friends of a friend, it's completely private, and they are generally quite open. I need someone demonstrative, as I am quite shy. He's also handsome with a cute smile, so let's see how it goes!!!

Look at me, all brave.

It's interesting that absolutely everything is good right now and I still don't feel happy. :( I just want to be at peace with life and what it means and what it is. And I'm not. I find it all so overwhelming sometimes. Even the little things upset me so much, even if I try to pretend that they don't.

I know when I'm tired like this that my mind has gone to a dark place again. I am sick of the merry-go-round. I don't want to get off, but I just want to slow it all down and enjoy it, and not feel as bothered by the whole thing.
 
Hi Em! I hope you can get some rest and not take the unsatisfying-ness of life so seriously. Lack of sleep and stress does that to me big time! Also could you be having some expectations that aren't coming true? Comparing actual life to expectations does me in, too! Or sometimes I just need a change. Sounds like it might be a fun project to go exploring to help you decide where you want to live next or just to break out of your current routine.

I hope you have a good time with the new guy! I like demonstrative guys because I am a romantic and I really like people who show their feelings. Hope it works out well!!
 
Good sleep and some time in nature usually help to set me right. Things that get me out of my head and into my body, into the present. You're much braver than I am with the online dating thing!
 
The business about fake tans and fake eyebrows struck a chord with me - and it's gone much further than that now, too, with white-white teeth, and wildly improbable eye-size, and more. I feel as if we're almost starting to lose sight of what an unretouched human being looks like. :(

We'll all be hanging out for the report on the date! All the best with it. :)
 
Thanks guys. To be honest, the play is stressing me out a bit. We have to speak to a man who out of the blue decided to charge us for the rehearsal space, and the thought of it makes me feel nervous. I think he’s in the wrong but I doubt he’ll just admit that, haha! There’s also the lighting, sound, costumes and seating to organise, I’m feeling the pressure!

My date for Saturday just texted me to wish me a lovely week and to say he is looking forward to meeting me! Expectations growing. To be honest, I feel he could be a player but he could also be lovely, looking forward to finding out! I booked to get my hair done beforehand, so going to make a bit of effort!

Feel a bit cheered up now, my parents are cooking me dinner today and then I have my rehearsal. That’s the update for now.
 
Gosh Amy you are so right . I am so bad at dolling myself up and never get my nails done or anything . I get my brows shaped is about the only luxury as I can’t see well enough to do my own . The youngsters today spend a fortune on themselves . My daughter doesn’t as if she goes out she does her own bits . I hate fake tan it’s stinks .

Emily had the man agreed a price for the hall . I know we charge for our hall but it’s minimal to pay for heat and light . Hope the rehearsals are going well .
 
I think you're doing great with helping manage a play on top of working! I hope you can stop once in a while and enjoy that you are helping put on a production! I hope your guy behaves and you have a great date. It's a good sign that he is hoping for you to look yourself and not like a tan barbie! I don't wear makeup or do anything with my eyebrows or anything, and find all that kind of otherworldly. I grew up a tom boy and find girly-ness foreign but super interesting.
 
We sorted it out Petal, he misunderstood how often we need to rehearse there. He’s a nice man so we won’t fall out over it.

I got my arse in gear today Marsia and made all the phone calls about the tech side that I’ve been putting off, so I am enjoying it again.

I had to go to a lighting rental shop today and check out the lights we need for the show, it’s all go. They are not charging us too much for them, which is great. I am so out of my depth with all this stuff, but it’s kind of fun! And the majority of people I’ve met have been great.

The Spanish guy basically told me over text that he’s not interested in a relationship and I kind of felt sad. Like, he hasn’t even met me yet and he’s already ruled it out. :( I had an hour of wondering, ‘What’s wrong with me?’

But then, another guy that comes into the yoga place came in for a class today, he’s really cute and I saw him at a gig last week. We have friends of friends in common, I was saying I’d have to go to one of his gigs sometime. Anyway, it made me realise that it’s not all bad, there are lots of men out there, and I will find that connection I am craving with someone. I really hope it happens sooner rather than later. I feel I am giving out good energy at the moment.

The housemate situation has taken a nosedive, I got accused of breaking her weighing scales, then another text about a mess in the bathroom that I didn’t realise I did, what a disaster. It’s just becoming super annoying, even though I know it’s partly my fault. I guess she’s just not letting anything go right now. Maybe there’s stuff going on with her, who’s to say? I will just have to be more mindful, it’s prob cos I have a lot going on in my head right now! I’m clearly distracted.

That’s all for the day, I rehearsed my big scene for the play last night, it went great and I got lots of compliments for my performance, so I was thrilled with that. Me and the male lead are meeting up on Sunday to go though it just ourselves. Maybe potential there also. ;) Haha.
 
Emilyrose said:
The Spanish guy basically told me over text that he’s not interested in a relationship and I kind of felt sad. Like, he hasn’t even met me yet and he’s already ruled it out. :( I had an hour of wondering, ‘What’s wrong with me?’
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Nothing wrong with you: he's just playing the field and enjoying it. As long as he's upfront about it... Glad you're enjoying attention from other angles as well ;) Ouch on the roommate situation! I hope it sorts itself out so you can cohabit peacefully again.
 
I'm glad the hall thing got sorted easily. It sounds like you are enjoying the challenge of the play & taking learning new things in your stride. It's a shame about the housemate situation. Living with people is quite difficult. I get distracted easily & can imagine forgetting to tidy something up. Trying to be mindful should help. I hope you sort that one. The Spanish guy at least wasn't trying to lead you on. Honesty is a nice change. There seems to be some interesting men out there on your horizon.
 
Great you got so much done for the play and a nice sense of accomplishment to go with it! The Spanish guy does seem like a player - his loss. I just got lectured by my neighbor over our driveway, so know what you mean about being too busy and people getting annoyed. We'll make up for it! I had to laugh at all the potential new boyfriends - I fondly remember those days! Congrats on your performance going so well. Hope the play goes fabulously for you!!!
 
You have so much going on! Being truly indispensable for the theatre group, for one thing - lighting, and negotiations with the hall guy and your own part onstage as well - great to hear the compliments flying, by the way!

House-sharing is a whole different challenge - there was (still is) a member here called Lumpee who was house-sharing with a whole group, which sounded riotous but difficult, though difficult in a different way from your situation with an over-critical, snipey housemate. :( I hope she calms down and realises that you're a person of goodwill, and that she's lucky to have such an interesting and all-round decent person sharing the house with her!
 
Emily glad you got sorted with the hall. Regards the housemate it's never easy. As you say be mindful and hope she is in return. But you should be able to relax in your own home so don't stress to much
 
Thanks LaMa, that's a good angle to look at it from.

Thanks Cate. The housemate situation has simmered down.

Marsia, I'm sorry for you and the lecturing neighbour. I think I hate being lectured to more than anything. Though I probably do it myself way too much! :D

Hi Amy, we had a nice chat yesterday and she's away all weekend, so it's fine again.

Thanks Petal, I think we're okay again.

Right. I don't want to say too much. I am stressing about the date. I think when I put myself into these situations, I remember why I generally avoid these situations, haha. I think my friends are puzzled that I don't have a man in my life, but I don't think they know my struggles with food and my body. And really when it comes to sex and relationships, how your body looks and how you feel in that body plays such a major factor. And I am still not there. But I'm going to meet him anyway for a drink and a chat. He's looking for more, he's said as much, but I'll just go and see how we get on. If he likes me, he'll meet me again.

But yeah, I don't like feeling vulnerable. I think it's a positive step that I am even going on this date. And I have to go now, because I moved the time around for tomorrow, but he misunderstood and showed up in the place we had set to meet tonight, so I've already stood him up! So there's no escape really.

I never thought it would take me so long to feel good about myself. I have so many ideas and plans for my life, but I find the day-to-day monotony of eating right, exercising and getting 8 hours sleep so tedious and dull. The short-term pain for long-term rewards hasn't sunk in. I am still a child in a lot of ways. Instant gratification wanted all the time. I need to start being a proper 'grown-up.' And I mean that as a good thing.
 
Oh, Emily. Hugs (if that's okay) and fellow-feeling, about vulnerability and struggles and life not feeling as if it's running smoothly to plan.
I'm glad that the housemate situation has eased a bit and that you'll have the weekend to yourself. Very best wishes for the "drink and a chat".
 
I hope the date goes really well and he helps you to feel really good about you and about your body! I agree, losing weight, eating right, getting enough self care and all that is hard. I don't remember how this all got off kilter - it used to be so much easier!
 
Emilyrose said:
And really when it comes to sex and relationships, how your body looks and how you feel in that body plays such a major factor.
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How you feel in your body is hugely important, how it actually looks maybe not so much. Unless you're specifically looking to impress someone who wants a partner who looks a certain way. I hope you had fun on your date!
 
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