Emily Rose: The Reboot

Did you watch the series finale yet Petal? I thought it was absolutely brilliant and so moving. I think this season has been a bit hit-or-miss, but the last few episodes, it really got back to being must-watch television again.

So, just thought I'd give a general update this evening. I am having a complete switch-off, just going to sit in my bed and watch movies and drink wine and read. Maybe not the healthiest, but it's what I want to do tonight. Then I feel that I am entering a new phase of my life.

I have a big goal coming up in 4 weeks time - it means I have to cut out booze, smoking and crappy foods, otherwise I won't manage it. It's a road race and I am not prepared at all. But I still have time. If I become the healthiest version of myself, I can definitely do it. I'm running it with my dad, I don't want to let him down and tell him I didn't train enough to be able to complete it. So I am going to get back into beast mode and put my head down and just do this! This is my final night of self-loathing and self-indulgence. I'm just going to have to face my fears and stop hiding and trying to numb all my emotions away. I really don't think I need antidepressants - I need a good routine, healthy food, fresh air, and lots of TLC. Baths, swims, getting my hair done, face masks, waxing, walks, runs, home time, chats with my housemate, chats with colleagues, all will help me get to that finish line.

I am really tired of being in this slump, it's going on way too long. I actually think I get lonelier and more depressed in the summertime, imagining everyone is going off to the beach and having summer barbecues or going for hikes without me. But spring and autumn... those are my seasons. Autumn is wonderful - the leaves turning brown, the beautiful colours of nature, blackberries on the bushes ripe for picking, a slight chill in the air. I love this time of year. And it's always a time I try to hit the reset button. It doesn't always work, but who's to say that it can't this time around?

Interlude here with a wonderful autumn song:


The work drama has subsided and I think all is well again. I'm so relieved. It took a couple of weeks, but I think we're back to being on the same page, and that means so much to me. I really need that support.

I've had a mad thought of going back to college next year to do a masters in creative writing. As masters go, it's not that expensive, and I just think it could be amazing for me. It would mean probably getting a part-time job, or else cutting my hours where I currently work. I just think every few years or so, I need to switch things up. I'm not unhappy where I am, but I never saw it as being long-term. This would be a way to get out without hurting anyone's feelings. I don't know, it's something I'm mulling over at present. I just think it would give me more options. I mean, I think becoming a teacher or lecturer might be something that would appeal to me in the future.

I remember when I left a previous job, one of the guys on my team said to me at the Christmas party, 'You should become a teacher', as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Haha. I never wanted to teach in primary or secondary schools because I couldn't handle the slaggings from the kids and the discipline side of things - I am far too soft! But teaching adults would be cool, especially if it was something I was passionate about.

Anyway, I guess I'm just thinking of different things I can do to take my life in a fulfilling direction. Office life is fine and I've really enjoyed the perks of the corporate world I've experienced so far - meeting so many different people from all over the world, travel, navigating my way through office politics, and mostly the amazing friends and colleagues I've had since I started working 12 years ago. But if I'm honest, I think I would probably do better with a little more freedom in choosing my hours, in having lots of breaks, in being in a more creative environment, and having a bit more time left to my own devices. I have suffered a little bit, I don't quite have the full set of tools needed to not get overwhelmed and angry and stressed. I've gotten so much better, but my health is suffering because I'm just not happy.

Obviously, there's more to life than work, and I also want to open myself up to love and romance and all that stuff. I'm so scared of it. I just don't think I have a life worth sharing with anyone yet. Isn't that sad? But I also know that I will get there. I don't fear being alone forever because I know there is an amazing man out there for me who will share my dreams and will be blown away by the person that I am and will not give a damn about the sad person I've been the last however long. I hope.
 
4 weeks of strict discipline for a race with your dad actually kind of sounds fun! Best of luck with it; you´ll feel so good about yourself on the day.
 
Hi Em,
No I have 2 episodes still to catch up with . Perhaps Sunday I will manage . I think all the things you list sound good , hometime , waxing , running , good routine it does all help but I know myself sometimes the effort it takes is so huge .

From reading your diary Em it sounds to me like you had an enjoyable summer and you did meet with friends and family . Keep that up .

I'm going to tell you if you can afford to chase the dream and return to college do so. Sounds incredible and you only get one shot at life. Right now no one is depending on you except yourself so why not take an opportunity if one is available. LaMa said on her diary she cut back on work hours to enjoy her life more . It's doable .

Lastly Em love yourself first and the rest will follow . Tbh you sound to me like a person who has their up days and their down days and I can resonate with that . I do too . But I think we are so busy trying to convince ourselves to be happy we forget to enjoy the blessings we do have , let's stop, think and be grateful for what we do have and let's not worry about what we don't . I think we all think everyone else having a better life than us but the reality is we all surviving and doing the best we can. Good luck with the training , god bless your energy lol . Will check other diaries in morn I too tired now zzzzz
 
Emilyrose said:
I need a good routine, healthy food, fresh air, and lots of TLC.
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I know that's really important to me. I have imposed a 2 glass max limit on my wine drinking as has our younger son & I think that is important for mental health as well as physical health. I am trying not to be too restrictive ie not saying I can't drink at all for a week or a month as I know I rail against strict limits, even when I impose them on myself. If I say I can have 2 if I want, I then often only have one & sometimes none.
Go, Em in beast mode. Get ready for that road race with your Dad :D
 
Em I have one more episode to watch but it's not recorded yet . Enjoying it again .i hope though they don't drag it out too long . June rocks . The James Bond of gidiad ( spelling I'm not sure )
 
Thanks for the comments guys and the encouragement!

Did yoga today, went for my run, made a healthy soup. Not a bad day overall. Still a long way to go but I’m building up the miles slowly but surely.
 
Emilyrose said:
I also want to open myself up to love and romance and all that stuff. I'm so scared of it. I just don't think I have a life worth sharing with anyone yet. Isn't that sad? But I also know that I will get there. I don't fear being alone forever because I know there is an amazing man out there for me who will share my dreams and will be blown away by the person that I am and will not give a damn about the sad person I've been the last however long. I hope.
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I am suspicious of the idea of having a life worth sharing - sounds a lot like my social anxiety thoughts! I usually completely change how my life goes when I start dating someone - it's more like finding the person I want to do new things with and trying what works for the couple. But I get that it is good to have your own life and not need to lean on anyone to be happy.

That's really great doing a race with your dad and getting in good shape for it!!!
 
Thanks Petal and Cate.

Hi Marsia. I like the idea of trying new things together, that's cool, but I wouldn't want to have an empty diary waiting for them to fill it up for me. What if they go away again, what then? It also really annoys me when I see a couple where one completely changes and starts doing everything the other one is interested in. It's like they decide that they want to become the person they are in a relationship with. Why can't you love the person but still be you at the same time? It really bothers me.

Anyway, common interests are great, but if I met a guy who wasn't interested in any of the stuff I like, but was cool and funny and treated me well, I really wouldn't care.

Right, enough of that, Sadly, my week was high pressure and I reacted in all the usual ways of smoking and eating crap and drinking beer.

I had two fights in work - one with a good outcome, one yet to be determined. Everyone is still talking to me though, which is the main thing. I did not stop going all week. I came home from work yesterday at half 5, went straight to the bed and slept for 3 hours. I'm getting tired of being exhausted and feeling burnt out. I know it's my own fault because I'm not taking care of myself properly at all.

I have very little money at the moment, which is actually a good thing because I am (almost) too poor to buy any more cigarettes until Wednesday. So I'm going to give 4 days a try and see how I get on. I did have two smoke-free days last week, which isn't bad. I didn't have any success this week sadly. But I am still a believer.

I have my Fitbit charging beside me now, going to try to do a lot of walking today and maybe a run later, depending on energy levels. The run with my dad looks doubtful, but I will try to do some training every day this week and see if I can make some big improvements. I also can't wait to do some cooking this weekend, I feel so unhealthy. Just been eating so much crap all week. But anyway, the past is the past. On we go.
 
Onwards and forewards. I actually agree about your relationship philosophy - I never want to stop being me and liking what I like again.
 
Hopefully, you will start to feel better when you start to really look after yourself Em. It makes such a difference to me, as does walking & taking time for myself, by myself. I am happy to say that I still feel I am the same person I was when we got together & G has never tried to change me. I still feel that I am that same person. I have changed some of my behaviours over the years, especially towards alcohol, but that was a self-realisation & one that needed to happen for my health. I can be a bit too out there if I drink too much & lose my filters. I see people change everything they do & drop their friends when they start a relationship. I don't see that as healthy at all for anyone. Pick yourself up, Em. Be healthy, hon. This is for you & for no-one else xoxo
 
The relationship question - whether you merge or are very independent from each other - is interesting to me because I have been married for 15 years to a total opposite person personality-wise in a lot of ways, and we have a lot of similar, but not really the same interests, but we do have very close values. So it's a lot of negotiating and trying things we wouldn't normally do so we have more common interests. I used to only date artists like me and musicians, which was really fun having so much in common, but they didn't tend to be the most stable people, and there was too much merging on my part as I am shy and like to have more intense one on one relationships.

The horrible thing about eating crap is that it makes you want more of it. I am really happy that you are going to cook healthy things for yourself - you'll feel so much better! Can you do a nicotine patch instead of cigarettes?

Big hugs, and please take care of you!!!
 
Em finding a partner is not the be all and end all. I'm married along time and tbh I thought when I was young and innocent by my age now I would be so happy in life. I'm happy yes as I work on myself but it's not exactly what I planned . I have to be very independent and I do most things alone. Just try to be happy in yourself and the rest will follow if it's to be.

Your workplace sounds very volatile. Adults fighting and arguing doesn't sound very nice or a respectful place to work. Be the bigger person tomorrow and stay out of the fights . It be better for your mindset and your health .
Hope the week goes ok. I'm not paid till Friday lol so feel your pain xo
 
Thanks LaMa.

Cate, I agree and I will pick myself up. I always do.

Hi Marsia, I am definitely the unstable artist/musician type, so I need Mr. Sensible for us to have any sort of a home, lol. I can't afford patches right now either, haha.

Thanks for sharing that with me Petal. I really am working on being happy in myself. It's not easy for me though.
As for the volatile workplace, I think some of that is my fault. This week was definitely. I was fed up and when I get fed up, sometimes I just explode. Another thing to work on. The list gets longer by the day. :D

Well, I really took it easy yesterday and rested my weary bones. I feel the benefit of that this morning. Also, I have no money to really go anywhere, so I'm pretty much grounded. It is a really beautiful day here. I need to go for either a walk or a run at some stage.

As I said, yesterday was a nothing day, but I got so bored at one point, I went for a 40 minute walk. So that was good.

This morning, I made a spinach, beetroot and blueberry breakfast smoothie, as all those items in my fridge were about to go off. It wasn't great, if I'm being honest. Then I had a slice of toast with butter and now I'm having a cup of tea.

The good thing about being broke is that I have to cook, so I am planning a soup for lunch of leek, carrot, celery, onion and the rest of the spinach. Dinner will be some quinoa with parsley and lemon juice and a side salad.

I am always amazed at my body's ability to heal and rejuvenate. I know if I stick to the above and do my bit of exercise, I will feel like a million dollars tomorrow. The body quickly moves on from a binge or wine overload or chain-smoking. Why can't I? Why do I hold on to those behaviours when I can just drop them and forget about them?

Going to leave it at that for today, I need to get my booty moving. I might go to yoga as well, not sure yet. Decisions, decisions.
 
Emilyrose said:
The body quickly moves on from a binge or wine overload or chain-smoking. Why can't I? Why do I hold on to those behaviours when I can just drop them and forget about them?
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Hi Em! Your question is so loaded - the whole capitalist model is full of addictive things everywhere and no teaching of emotional intelligence anywhere. So the main reason I am here on this forum is learning emotional intelligence in relation to food and to myself and to other people so I don't get sucked into negativity and reach for food. It's like the whole society is a big experiment in who can get out of addiction when all around us are advertisements for addictive things. Plus almost every inexpensive pre-made food is full of crap that is addicting. So don't feel like you are alone in this - most of us are rats in the maze of addicting things. Please don't be hard on yourself about it!

I just went to a therapist in part so I could get help doing my art again, because I need a discipline that makes me feel engaged and deeply interested in something. It really helps because I need something to look forward to that is just for me and that puts the emphasis on getting out of the maze and being free and happy. So I am going to work really hard at making this work so I do have a healthy alternative to the maze!
 
We could all agree with what you wrote Marsia . Em it's a lovely day here . Hope you get to enjoy the sunshine while it lasts x
 
Thanks for your thoughtful post Marsia. I also have my own creative project going on, I might talk about it here at a later point.

Thank you Petal. It was a bit of an unhappy Monday, but you can't win 'em all!

Very cranky day today. I emailed my boss last week stating some concerns and I expected her to set up a meeting with me this week, but she's fobbed me off. I was fuming. I've really lost all faith in her at this point. She's given me the complete cold shoulder for the last while. Anyway, I can't do much about that, but I suppose I want some recognition and I'm not getting it. So I may as well forget about it for now.

On a happier note, I've started logging my food and wearing my Fitbit again and it's going well. I'm way under calories today, partly because I am poor and can't buy chocolate, and partly because I'm not that hungry. I have it set to a 500 calorie a day deficit, but since I am burning on average about 2200 calories a day, it's not that painful. Just the thought of losing a pound a week till Christmas is putting a slight bounce back into my step. I just want to be slim again. I have this gorgeous red dress in my cupboard - it's the same colour as the handmaid's dress on the show and it's button down but it honestly looks so flattering on me. Unfortunately, my boobs are busting out of it at the moment. So I want to be able to wear that dress some time very soon. Maybe in 7 weeks? Fingers crossed.

Is there anything as satisfying as fitting into something that hasn't fit you in a long time? It's an amazing feeling. And I am not trying to be skinny, but I do want to look healthy. There is a mirror right opposite the shower in my bathroom and I just hate when I see my belly hanging out. Ugh. Anyway.

I'm going to watch a horror film called Don't Breathe now, it's meant to be good. The perfect thing to watch right before bed! Haha. I watched a film called Hell or High Water over the weekend, it was really good. Chris Pine is a gorgeous specimen.
 
Emilyrose said:
So I may as well forget about it for now.
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Good for you, Em.
Logging your food, wearing your Fitbit & setting a 500 cal deficit?
Good for you, Em.
Aiming for healthy, not skinny?
Love that, too. You'll rock that red dress before Christmas, Em.
Watching a horror movie before bed?
No way! I never watch them. Ever. I'm a great big sook.
 
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