Emily Rose: The Reboot

LaMaria said:
That's a lot of steps! I often don't feel like cooking (cooking for one is pretty boring, especially if you don't particularly like the person you're cooking for) but if I can manage to do it anyway for a couple of days the resistence goes down quite quickly.
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Who are you referring to with this comment? Not liking yourself or me not liking myself? If the latter, that’s probably a bit harsh.

Had a good day today, my friend is calling soon to check out my new gaff. Have chicken cooking for my lunch tomorrow and going to get back to the gym in the morning. It really is time.

Had a great lunchtime chat with the gang today about our first jobs, it was really interesting. I haven’t thought about that stuff in a while.

Not much else to report, weight still veering towards 180, which is not good, but at least it’s stopped going up. Coping better in general. And my room is so clean, delighted with myself.
 
Emilyrose said:
Who are you referring to with this comment? Not liking yourself or me not liking myself? If the latter, that’s probably a bit harsh.
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Sorry I was unclear: I meant myself. Working on it but not there yet.
Yay for better coping and a clean living space!
 
Hi Em,
Hope you are well and feeling better now . Seems you eating well and and can enjoying life . Hope your new house works out ok .
 
Thanks LaMa, I appreciate the support.

Hi Petal, so nice to see your message. The new house is going great.

I had a whopper of a week. It was really fantastic in some ways and really sad in others. Also, stressful.

I wish stress was one of those words that was never invented. I know that I completely overuse it. It’s a catch-all for uncomfortable emotions. I feel uncomfortable emotions quite a lot. I’m above average at that.

I need to get my routine going again. Work was difficult this week. I spent too much time with a certain someone. That wasn’t the difficult part, but it’s the sad part.

Last weekend, I got propositioned with a ‘friends with benefits’ type thing. I haven’t decided on that yet. We will see. I can trust him though. But maybe I want something more all-consuming. I don’t want to be ambivalent about the man I’m sleeping with.

Also, this woman at work decided to give me tips on getting a man today. She made me feel like I was really unattractive and pathetic. I am neither. It annoyed me so much.
 
Hi, Em. I have just got back from a few weeks away & only caught up with your last couple of posts. I'm sorry that life is still throwing you so many curve balls. Like you, I think you want more from a man you're sleeping with & it would just be confusing when you know that it wouldn't develop into what you want & need. As for the woman at work. Harumph! Unbelievable... Try to find something new Em. A dance class maybe?
 
Emilyrose said:
Also, this woman at work decided to give me tips on getting a man today. She made me feel like I was really unattractive and pathetic. I am neither. It annoyed me so much.
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Some people have no idea how their comments will affect others,or maybe she did and is simply a complete B&@#
 
Trusylver said:
Some people have no idea how their comments will affect others,or maybe she did and is simply a complete B&@#
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Yeah, some folks are kind but clueless while others feel more powerful when they can "help" people and make them feel smaller in the process.
 
Thanks for the lovely comments. I actually think she ‘meant well’, it was a minor thing really.



Just a preface to the next paragraph:

I’ve always used this place as a kind of diary where I try to clear my head out a bit. That means that a lot of the stuff is very negative. I haven’t been posting as much lately because things have been going so well. I’ve found my groove at work, really good things are happening for me, I’m gaining some sort of inner peace and I’m not so hard on myself. However...



I am still really struggling to make peace with people who have hurt me in the last few years. I was going to use the word ‘forgiveness’, maybe that’s the wrong word. I guess that makes it seem like I am putting myself on some kind of pedestal or judging their actions in some way.



Anyway, what I wanted to talk about was this. I met up with a friend tonight and I am so aggrieved at a conversation we had. I know her through a friend that I had a massive falling out with, I’ve mentioned it a number of times here in different ways. Anyway, I thought I was finally okay with it, but this friend has never mentioned to me about the falling out - she’s not a gossip queen, so she’s never fished for info on it.



So tonight, the ex-friend came up in conversation, and I said, ‘You know we’re not friends anymore?’ And I could immediately see shutdown mode in her demeanour and she said, ‘Yeah, I heard what happened, I’m sorry about that.’ But she clearly did not want to hear any more about it.



And I was immediately SO ANGRY because she just heard one version of the story. I mean, what exactly does she think happened?! Agh. I also felt from her body language that she thought I was the one at fault!!!



Obviously, she made up her own mind about it because she still hangs out with me. But it really upset me that I have no idea what former friend told her, that I have no control of the narrative. ‘Fake news’ I could claim! adjusting my hairpiece.



I guess what I’m learning is that I have no control over the narrative anyway, so why give a shit. Even my preface above is trying to manage your perception of me. Why bother? I need to stop worrying about this stuff and really start living my best life.



I want to be liked and loved so much that it’s like the virus instead of the antidote. Does that make sense?



But, besides that niggle above, things are really flowing. I’m feeling better. I’m more accepting of reality. The scales have fallen out of my eyes.



But I am still a bit bruised from what has gone on. And not just from that relationship. There’s a Venn diagram of interrelated people and a lot of them are also in that ‘fake news’ zone. It’s disheartening but maybe also invigorating. When one door closes, another one opens, and I am so done with being a ‘yes man’ and going along with people’s shitty treatment of me.



I might have a tendency to play the victim card a bit, but I am a brilliant reader of people, and I have a really good idea of where I stand with most people. I saw a video of myself today and I came across as really shy and nervous and dare-I-say sweet. But then I see some of the reactions I get from some people, and I just don’t get it.



I guess I still don’t know who I am. I don’t even know if that makes sense as a statement either. I feel like ‘knowing who you are’ is a rigid thing, but that means you are not growing or developing as you go. But I don’t want to be angry anymore. And I was really angry all over again about a long-standing issue tonight. I don’t want to give anyone’s opinion of me that kind of weight, whether we were once good friends (were we?) or not.
 
I'm glad things are going so well for you right now. Sometimes shit from the past haunts us and it's hard to let go but it sounds like you're well on your way to freedom there.
 
It also seems to me like you are getting better with dealing with stuff from the past Em. Learning to let go is a wonderful thing as is learning from it. You seem a lot happier xo
 
Hi guys. It's been a while. I haven't forgotten about ye. I guess over the last while, I've been moving away from letting my weight rule my life and how I feel about myself. It's a long process and I am not there yet, but I am genuinely feeling good about myself and getting more and more confident. I am appreciating the good stuff about my body. I have all my limbs and I can do anything I want to do. Isn't that enough?

I wanted to talk a little bit today about not changing who you are to make other people feel better about themselves.

I always thought I got along really well with the girls in my office. Considering there's 9 of us, and one guy, I didn't think that would be easy or possible. But I've been working there for over 2 years with very little bitchiness or in-fighting. I was happy with my place in the group. I was feeling accepted, sometimes even admired.

But then...

I was away at a work conference this week with one of my colleagues who I probably have the least in common with. I always felt a little distrustful towards her, but since the two of us were away for four nights in a foreign country with the boss, I decided to forget all of those misgivings and get along with her the best I could.

On our second day at the conference, we were chatting with one of the managers in our company, and she was telling us how she organises a team night out every couple of months with the group she manages, and it's always a really fun night. I made the comment that our group don't really do that. My colleague Edel said that we'd had a team night out last year after a day trip where we'd gone on a boat, toured an island and had lunch in a scenic part of the county. I said to her that no, we didn't have a team night out that night. She said that 5 of them had went on it. I said that I wasn't invited on that, so I didn't see how it was a team night out. There was an awkward pause, the conversation moved on, and then I took the chance to go to my room for the 20 minutes or so before we had to go back into the conference room for presentations.

I was so upset to hear this. 5 of the 9 had gone on a team night out and I hadn't been invited? What had I done wrong? Why was I excluded from the option of going at least? It also really rattled me because we'd all had work the next day, so the pretending and exclusion had continued, as I had not heard about it and they were all probably very careful not to mention it, because they hadn't wanted me there. All of these thoughts, combined with a subpar night sleep the night before, led me to confront Edel before the next phase of the meeting began.

''Why did you tell Claire we had a team night out when I wasn't even invited on it? That's not a team night out.'' ''Oh, it was just me and Emily there, you know we're really close.'' ''You said there were 5 people from the team there.'' ''I can't even remember, this was ages ago, maybe Amanda was there too.'' ''So now it wasn't just you and Emily, it was also Amanda.'' ''I really can't remember.'' ''That's bullshit. I'm really hurt that I wasn't invited.'' ''Don't challenge me on this, I'm not in the mood.'' ''Well, I'll be bringing this up when we get back.'' ''Why do you even care, I wouldn't.'' And so on.

I had some time to process it (and the fact that Edel had absolutely no problem in lying to my face and showed absolutely no respect for me) and I feel better about it now. I wish she had simply said, ''I'm sorry we didn't invite you, we will the next time'', and that would have been the end of it. But some people don't think the same way that I do, and as long as they are in the gang themselves, your feelings don't count.

I could go back in on Monday and be really cold and pissed off with the girls, get down on myself and start letting in the thoughts that no one likes me, give myself a hard time, and make my life in that office really lonely and sad. But fuck that. I'm actually a bigger person than that because I would never do that to someone. I don't need to. I don't need to exclude people to make myself feel better about myself, to make me feel like I'm part of the 'cool gang', the 'in-crowd', or whatever other shit that goes through people's minds. I think overall, I'm a warm, friendly person, so there is no obvious reason why I should be left out. It's something that's taken a long time for me to come to terms with. But I'm getting there.

There's a lot of stuff going on within the team right now. I definitely know that certain people weren't happy that I was asked to go on this conference. I'm being punished for that in various ways, as the boss is on my manager's case big time, and she is being horrible to both of us because we get on too well, he is not acting ''managerial'' enough, and a lot of other bullshit, jealous nonsense. We're both very clever and we're both nice people. We don't talk shit about our other colleagues to her, even though from the things she's said, people on the team are constantly monitoring our interactions and reporting back to her.

(Some examples from my trip away - ''When you and Danny went for a walk after my meeting with him, what did you discuss?'' ''Has Danny been in contact with you?'' Like, get a fucking grip. None of your damn business.)

But back to what I said originally. I'm not going to make myself small to make those other bitches happier. I'm not going to stop being friends with someone who I really care about and I click with so that they are not feeling threatened. I'm just going to go in there next week and work on all of the great ideas we've discussed after the trip away, and really show that I am strong, I'm a great worker and contributor to this team, and I am not going down without a fight.

And, if things continue as they are, I'll just find another great job, no problem at all. But I'm not losing sleep over this rubbish anymore.
 
I can see how that hurt you and it was really unpleasant of her to bring up that night out knowing they hadn´t invited you, but... it may not actually have been about you. If 5 out of 9 people went it´s quite possible one of those 5 wanted to avoid one of the 4 and to avoid making it feel personal they just invited the people they really wanted to go out with instead of all-minus-one. Which is not great when you´re on a team trip, of course, but sometimes understandable and there´s no reason to assume you were the person they specifically wanted to avoid. Although it does seem that this specific colleague has something against you: it´s quite possible she brought it up in front of that manager in order to humiliate and provoke you so you´d make a bad impression - and she may well be hoping you´ll make a scene on Monday so you´ll hurt your standing in the group.

Really glad you´re feeling better about yourself though, that´s worth so much!
 
Thanks LaMa.

I’m feeling a bit low this evening. It was a beautiful day here and I sat outside in the garden for an hour after work listening to some Pearl Jam and Nirvana, but now my eyelids are swollen and I have sneezed about a hundred times from the pollen attacking my system.

I brought up the team night out, I couldn’t let it go, and I knew I’d just explode another time if I didn’t say anything. It turns out it wasn’t a team night, only 3 of them were there, so it was all embellished for reasons I don’t understand.

It’s very tricky - you know how you can just get a read off people and know in your gut that they have a problem with you? But it’s so hard to pinpoint why that is. This girl who was on the conference with me is liked by the majority of the office, but she talks to me like I’m dirt on her shoe. No one else sees that - it makes me wonder if it is me that has the problem with her? But then I think back on various, yet always subtle ways that she has made her complete lack of respect for me clear, and I know I am not imagining it.

We had a team meeting today and I felt so uncomfortable and really unhappy. I just don’t like being around her at all. I don’t know how to resolve this problem.
 
Hi guys. It's been a while.

I haven't given up on 'weight loss' but I think I'm finally at the point in my life where my weight isn't the all-consuming thought in my head every morning. It's so weird. I feel like I've lost a limb or something. I haven't changed my diet, I'm actually exercising less than ever, but I just... realise finally that there's a lot more to me than that? That I have a lot more going on? I don't know. Maybe it's because I'm getting older and recognise that being a size 10 won't necessarily make me the hottest girl in the room anymore.

I also recognise that I am in a bit of a slump in terms of moving to the next stage. I met up with friends at the weekend, they are the ultimate party couple, and they mentioned that they won't be going out as much anymore because they are saving up to buy a house. I'm really happy for them, and for the culture we live in, it makes sense to buy a house. It's up there with getting a college degree. I guess it just got me thinking that I don't even have a partner, never mind being in a mindset to buy a bloody house. My mother hinted that I should start thinking about buying one for myself - she's given up on me, haha.

It's amazing when you wake up and realise that the party is over and you're the only one left clinging on. It's got me thinking a lot about what I really want. I'm 33, if I want kids, I need to find a partner, why am I not doing anything about that? I guess I still have some romantic fantasies about just meeting them?! Why haven't I met them already?

I have a lot of pride. I was a really pretty, gifted child, and was praised since day 1, with loads of love from my parents and aunts and uncles, my amazing Nana, who died when I was 7, but I still think about sometimes. She carried a lot of grief but she was so loving towards me and we had an amazing relationship. She chain-smoked and taught me loads of card games, she always wore these awful anoraks, and she held all her emotions in, but she really loved me. I miss her.

My cousin Louise is getting married next week and she doted on us both. There are 8 grandchildren on that side, and I really feel her presence the last few weeks. I know that sounds mad, but I think she's looking down on us both, full of love, and just so happy to see Lou content and with the man for her.

Anyway, I have digressed. I am in turbulent mode tonight.

I've been seeing a lot of signs lately. Loads of feathers everywhere, every time I look at the clock, the digits are matching (or maybe it's just that I'm looking at the clock all the time), I went to a pub at the weekend and the hands of the clock were pointing to my initials (it had letters instead of numbers).

I think if I were writing my goals today, I would say the following:
1. I want to feel at peace with myself no matter how I look.
2. I want to be passionately engaged with whatever I'm doing and get paid for work that excites and motivates me.
3. I want a partner that is so happy to be around me and know me and love me and I want to feel the same around him.

So, that's the update for now. I'm a bit sad tonight, I won't lie - I warned you I only post when I'm sad! - but I'll be okay if you'll be okay. :D Cheers gang, you are all lovely.
 
Hello, Emily. :) I'm sorry you're having a bad run right now. Your goals sound absolutely identifiable, goals which would make a wonderful life - and
actually, it sounds from your post as if you're making steps to achieving the first one "to feel at peace with myself no matter how I look" right now:
Emilyrose said:
... I haven't given up on 'weight loss' but I think I'm finally at the point in my life where my weight isn't the all-consuming thought in my head every morning. It's so weird. I feel like I've lost a limb or something. I haven't changed my diet, I'm actually exercising less than ever, but I just... realise finally that there's a lot more to me than that? That I have a lot more going on? .
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Yes, you certainly do have a lot more going on! :)
I love your recollections of your Nanna - shows how an apparently quiet life keeps on influencing the world for good long after it seems to have finished.
 
Emilyrose said:
I think if I were writing my goals today, I would say the following:
1. I want to feel at peace with myself no matter how I look.
2. I want to be passionately engaged with whatever I'm doing and get paid for work that excites and motivates me.
3. I want a partner that is so happy to be around me and know me and love me and I want to feel the same around him.

So, that's the update for now. I'm a bit sad tonight, I won't lie - I warned you I only post when I'm sad! - but I'll be okay if you'll be okay. :D Cheers gang, you are all lovely.
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Hi, Em. Goal number 3 is the stand-out goal for me as it's mine too. Really being at peace with yourself. It sounds so simple but isn't. Hugs from me too :grouphug:
 
Hey Em,

I went back and looked at your first page, about 2 1/2 years ago. Did you find a job? How about quitting smoking and reducing drinking? I suspect you have made some progress since then.

Emilyrose said:
It's amazing when you wake up and realise that the party is over and you're the only one left clinging on. It's got me thinking a lot about what I really want. I'm 33
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33 is still pretty young, I know I am twice your age, 33 looks pretty young to me. You still have a lot of life left to achieve your goals.
Emilyrose said:
if I want kids, I need to find a partner, why am I not doing anything about that? I guess I still have some romantic fantasies about just meeting them?! Why haven't I met them already?
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There are lots of men around your age who also want kids and I am sure you would find at least 1 compatible. I wish I could tell you how and where to meet them, but I am long past direct experience of that kind. But there has to be a way.

I know young folks today use social networking to meet new people, maybe that would work for you, we met that way. If not there are the old tried and true approaches, go to church, find a singles group, tell your friends you are looking, that kind of thing. I know it's easier said than done. You may find just giving it some effort might feel good, and be interesting. However this place is not a dating website, not likely you will find Mr Right here.

Best of luck to you!
 
Hi Em
I'm hoping that the fact you not posting all is ok with you . You are still young and lots of time for stuff. One day at a time .
 
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