Emily Rose: The Reboot

Hi guys, thanks for dropping in.

I'm having a really frustrating time at the moment. I fell off the wagon again with the alcohol, nothing too brutal, but I'm really sick of it. I'm also struggling with dumping the smoking for good. I do feel like I am working things out internally and I have had 5 smoke free days in the last few weeks (1 only yesterday) but I'm finding it hard going. I know resisting the urges and battling through is totally worth it but it's hard.

But I am making progress. I want my life to change. If I could move past these addictions, my life would be so brilliant. It's hard to get my head around why I let it reach this point. I guess I've kept putting it off and off and off. Sigh.

I also basically told a person this week that I don't want to be around them anymore. They really made me doubt myself as a person, it's taken ages for it to sink in that it's their own issues and not mine that have caused this massive rift. I am so happy that I told them exactly how I feel and I didn't accept their bullshit excuses or deflections. I can't be friends with anyone who won't apologise or really doesn't care that they hurt me. So they're gone.

On a happier note, because of the above, I've decided to just forgive the other friends that upset me this year. I reached out to them again and it's all good. In comparison to the friend who treated me really badly, I at least know they care about me and would apologise if they felt like I was upset with them. So that's a bit of a weight lifted.

I don't want to ever doubt my character again. I really felt like I was an awful person for a while and it's not a nice feeling. And I took it out on myself through the trifecta of evil (for me) of sugar, tobacco and alcohol. I really want to dump them too because they represent someone that needs a crutch, and I know I can be stronger than that. So I will just have to keep battling.
 
Thanks for letting us know how you are going Em. Addictions, by definition, are hard to break. You do seem to be getting stronger & stronger & I think, while you are feeling the way you do now-
Emilyrose said:
I want my life to change. If I could move past these addictions, my life would be so brilliant. I
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it would be good to get some help. Sending you lots of love, Em xoxo
 
Good morning, Em!

Experience has taught me that battling one addiction at a time works best (for me). I just get too overwhelmed trying to "fix" it all at once. It's like the stress builds up and up and up and then I cave on everything.

When I got sober, I smoked and I also had an eating disorder (bulimia). First, I focused on the drinking. After about a year, I tackled the bulimia. Two years later, I gave up smoking, but then I picked up vaping, so technically I am still addicted to nicotine. I will have to give it up too, but the truth is, I'm just not ready. As a perfectionist, it's very tempting to beat myself up for not being perfect. But that's gotten better in recovery - I've learned to accept myself more, flaws and all.

Statistically, recovery programs work best for the alcohol. It doesn't have to be AA -- there are many others -- SMART and Rational Recovery are two popular secular programs. I think the built in structure of a recovery program is helpful. I'm naturally an extremist -- all or nothing -- and the structure helped me stay on track and gave me additional support when things got tough.

This website was a lifesaver for me early on: Sober Recovery . All folks in different stages of trying to get sober and sharing their triumphs and tribulations. Plus a good mix of different approaches to quitting.

You're in my thoughts, girlfriend. I'm rooting for ya!
 
Hi Cate. Well, I've moved home, so that's a good start.

Thanks Jenni. The solo drinking will stop now as I won't be able to at home. And I should be home for a good long while. It's a start anyway. Feeling better already.

Sitting in a late night cafe now as I'm going to see a film tonight with a film meetup group. Feel relaxed and content.

Had an absolutely manic week, some major ups, some major downs, but overall, it was fairly enjoyable. I didn't get too much time to dwell on the bad stuff!

Weight is bad right now, but I've set up a new exercise regime for myself and I'm feeling optimistic enough. No more beating myself up! That is key I think.
 
Hi, Em. I'm glad you have moved back home. It will allow you to take stock. I agree that not beating yourself up is a key to losing weight & also feeling happy. Exercise makes you feel better about everything & can be such a good distraction. What movie did you see?
 
Hi Cate. I saw a film called 'This Teacher', it was quite good.

Thanks LaMa. Relieved to be done!

I bought a book today called '101 Days to Make a Change', it's kind of a self-help book but it has daily exercises for you to practice. I might talk about some of them on here.

The first exercise is to think about the stuff in your life that you are grateful for. This evening, I am grateful for:
1) My electric blanket. It is such a luxury.
2) Getting my full deposit back from my house, which means I have a little bit of extra cash this week.
3) My lovely swim this morning. I think all that deep breathing must be very beneficial.
4) A fun day at work. I really love some of the people in there.
5) My parents. No explanation needed, haha.

What are some of the things you feel grateful for today?
 
There should be a haha option for LaMa!
It is good to feel grateful. I'm trying hard to focus on the good things. I know there are many.
Today I'm grateful for my lovely husband & my lovely home.
xoxo
 
Haha, all those things sound good to me! Except replace diet coke with real coke, ;).

Okay. Today I am grateful for:
1) Had the best day ever in work. The whole office spent the whole day chatting. I got barely any work done, but that's okay for once! We discussed every subject under the sun and I learned a little bit more about everyone. It was great.
2) Went for another long swim this evening. I feel great after it.
3) It's raining really heavily today and I came home after my swim soaked. My parents are out for the evening but they had my dinner waiting for me on the cooker and the fire burning in the stove. I feel really spoilt. Such a good decision to move home! Especially in winter time. I'm so cosy here.

The next page in my workbook is asking me to keep a food and exercise diary for the next 10 days. I will keep it here, as it's quite relevant to this site!

Today's food:
- 2 weetabix, cornflakes, granola, milk; glass of orange juice
- 3 x cups of coffee and milk; 1 cup of tea and milk
- blueberry yoghurt mixed with granola and almonds
- 2 slices brown bread and butter; salad of coleslaw, cheese, red pepper, spinach, tomatoes, courgette
- mandarin
- twix white chocolate bar 46 g; 2 x 42 g reese's peanut butter cups - 1 dark, 1 with the pieces inside
- turkey stir fry with wholegrain rice
- 3 chewing gums

Assessment - more caffeine than I would like; 1 bar of chocolate would have been enough, not 3; at least I had 3 proper meals.

Today's exercise:
- 50 x 20 m laps in pool. Happy with that

That's all for today.
 
Well done on the swimming! I´d probably go crazy living with my parents again but I can definitely see the benefits :)
 
Thanks guys.

Lots of exercises from the workbook today.

Today, I am grateful for:
1) Nice chat with my dad this evening by the lovely fire.
2) The lovely fire. It's such a horrible day outside, it's the only saving grace at the moment.
3) Fancy dinner planned for next week with work.

Food diary:
- porridge, raspberries, milk; glass of orange juice
- 2 x 42 g reese's bars - 1 white choc, 1 milk
- 2 x coffee and milk; 1 x tea and milk
- seafood chowder and 2 slices of brown bread and butter
- granola, blueberry yoghurt and almonds
- latte
- 130 g jellies, 1 x 48 g galaxy caramel bar
- 3 chewing gums

I didn't bother with dinner, I really just wanted sugar today. Reasons are heavy period, no light, feeling run down, my hair is shit.

The workbook wants me to talk about my bad habits.
- Smoking
- Drinking too much (This is being addressed though. It's funny, I don't miss wine in the evenings at all. Maybe because I have people to talk to, :cry:.)
- Making my lunch for work and not eating it.
- Leaving my room in an absolute heap.
- Using sugar to get me through any and all emotional hurdles.

I'm sure there are loads more, but those are the first 5 that came to mind.

The workbook wants me to talk about my mood today.
Mood this morning was tired, tired, tired. Meant to get up for the gym, didn't, was stuck in traffic for 45 minutes instead.
I felt okay going into the office, then my manager approached me and stressed me out about something, I overcame that. Then an hour later, she called me into the office and stressed me out about another work task.
Nearly had a meltdown, so decided to go out for lunch, even though I was probably too busy to do that, but I needed to escape for a bit. Read a bit of my book at lunch, felt a bit better.
After lunch, got into better form, felt like I was able to cope, minor incident before I went home, felt drained leaving the office.
Worked in yoga place for a few hours, mood lifted with yoga man conversation, read some more of my book, but overall so-so. Drove home, fed up of the car already, came back, chatted to dad, felt relaxed, mood good now but I am tired...

Right. Next up, the workbook wants me to link my fluctuating moods to my bad habits. (Sorry, all this stuff is probably a bit boring/long to read, it's really more for myself.)

- Cigarette before work: Probably more habit rather than mood, maybe slight tension about what the day ahead would bring.
- Reese's bars on drive into work: Hmm. Maybe disappointment because I didn't make the gym? Also, because they were there.
- Not eating healthy lunch I prepared: Panicking over not having enough time to do new tasks the manager sprang on me. New tasks and changes occur all the time. I have to figure out a better way to deal with this. To be fair, lunch could have gone worse. I could have ordered a toastie and chips, so the chowder was some kind of compromise. The workbook asks you to identify people or situations that bother you. A changing schedule bothers me. I must learn to let go.
- Cigarette mid-morning, lunch, mid-afternoon, after work, after yoga place: Probably not really brought on by mood particularly, just habit. But I do rely on them for a little bit of release. It's shitty at the moment because the weather is so horrendous, but I must start bringing my runners and getting out for a walk at lunchtime. Do some heavy breathing the whole way. This will be an ongoing thing that I need to address.
- Jellies and caramel bar: Relief/reward that the day was over. Really tired and wanted an energy boost. Need to find better rewards.

Right, some interesting stuff came out of that. Not going with the flow is a biggie. Luckily, I'm starting a meditation course tomorrow night, so maybe that will help. Now, it's time for :sleeping:.
 
I am grateful for the cool fog on my drive home, a fun enough day in work and the very enjoyable meditation class I attended.

Food today:
- shredded wheat, cornflakes, raspberries, milk, glass of oj, slice of toast with butter and marmalade
- coffee and milk x 3; tea and milk
- Danone actimel equivalent
- small healthy muffin
- turkey, peppers, spinach, rice, celery, cucumber, goat's cheese
- 3 small pieces rocky road, 3 blueberries
- 1 queen cake with icing
- 4 chewing gums
- veg lasagna, carrots, side salad of cheese, tomato, rocket, cucumber, oven chips, relish
- viennetta and cream
- wagon wheel

Whoa. The worrying thing is I don't even feel that full going to bed.

Anyway. Wrecked. Night.
 
Ha, thanks Cate.

It's just a course LaMa with different aspects of how meditation can help calm the mind and breathing techniques and exercises. It's great but I have not put it into practice once this week. Maybe some extra deep breathing at times.

Made some absolutely stupid decisions last night, I'm actually crazy about a guy I know, stayed out last night till stupid o'clock just because he was there, I am suffering for it badly now. Abandoned the car in town, have to get the bus into work now, and praying that my car is okay with my work laptop inside! So annoyed with myself, why can't I learn the lesson that all is futility until I sort my shit out? And staying out till 2am is not going to help me in any way.

Also, have training all day today, just horrendous. Now some poor girl has sat next to me on the bus, I feel bad for her, haha.

But yeah, the guy in question and the reason I decided to make so many poor life decisions has a girlfriend. He was just so much fun last night, like actually even more entertaining than I thought. Not that it's all about entertainment but I was just smitten. Sigh. It's a disaster. I am in the same pattern year after year, this is something I really need to address.

But first, car and laptop! Then get through the day! Then new no alcohol policy and back to that gym!!!!! (I feel so out of shape. I feel I'm at the stage where Tony Robbins says you can't bear to continue with life as you are so you have to change to survive. I am nearly at that point.)

Anyway, back on tracking mode tomorrow. Please send me good vibes on the day ahead!
 
You can do this !!:coolgleamA:

If I can get back to training then you can too :) don't make me come through this computer screen to drag you back to the gym :smash:
 
Haha. That's funny! I was going to say "Get your shit together, Em!" but didn't. Maybe I just did :rofl:
 
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