Emily Rose: The Reboot

Thank you so much Cate and Lucy. I was drinking wine last night, that's why my post comes across as a bit erratic. Obviously I'm not going to feel good if I'm making myself ill with alcohol!!

Anyway, I just posted on the quitdrinking forum on Reddit about realising that I need to stop drinking completely. Alcohol ruins my diet and takes away all my energy. I think even if I just stopped drinking and made no other conscious changes, the weight would start to fall off quickly.

So that is the plan. Just taking it one second at a time. I feel sort of panicky when I think about never drinking again, but I'm just going to keep focused on not drinking right now. That's all I can do.

Today, the most wonderful picture of where I want to be and what I want to look like came into my mind. It's so clear, it seems like it's already happened. I am walking into the city on an autumn day like this. I am wearing a fitted black leather jacket, a black top and jeans. I am smiling and so happy with life. I am in amazing shape.

I know that I can make that happen!! I can be that smiling, healthy woman. But I have to do the work to get the reward.

I'm frightened. I know that sounds weird but I am actually petrified of changing and my life taking off like I know it would. I find it easier to just hide away like I have been doing. But I know I can't hide any longer.

Thanks again guys, you are both amazing ladies. This place keeps me sane, and most importantly, it keeps that fire burning.
 
I understand totally why you are frightened. It is much easier to stay the same & much harder to make big changes. Focussing on one day at a time is the go, Em xoxo
 
Thanks Cate.

I lost focus today. Bought cigarettes, bought wine. Avoided meeting my friends.

I don't really feel bad about all that though. The wiring in my brain has started to change. I know I am moving towards something great. I guess I just have to decide when that ''one last hurrah'' is going to be. It was meant to be tonight and then I didn't even leave the house. So that's interesting.

I've been reading that reddit forum about quitting drinking, and I realised that there would be so little to miss out on if I stopped.

I have a favourite pub that I go to down the road, the barmen are all lovely to me and I feel like a queen when I go in there. They have some of the best bands in my city that play there. It's a lovely space to be in. But essentially, the alcohol is not needed at all. I love music the most when I'm driving in my car, and I'm never drunk in my car. I could go to gigs there and enjoy them without alcohol.

I had a phase where I could go there and have 2 drinks, be happy with that, and go home. I'm not in that phase anymore.

I am also in a really confusing situation with the men in my life. They are all so lovely and amazing with me, but all have partners, and I just don't know why I am so attached to them. Okay, I am talking about two guys really. There are things I absolutely love about them, it's just torture to be on the outside of all of the good stuff. At least I know I have their friendship at the very least.

I just wonder about the future. It's easy to say when I have cigarettes left to smoke and a massive glass of wine left to drink.

BUT

If I give it all up... and I am suddenly a strong, healthy, smart woman, while hopefully still retaining a personality, what will it mean for my life? I don't want a party boyfriend anymore. I want a stable guy who is creative and fun but not an addict. I guess I just don't want to be an addict and go out with someone. I often wonder about how people who are in a really bad way end up in relationships. I guess they can let it all go and enjoy their youth, without feeling bad about how they are not actually healthy in their body/mind. I can't do that. I just can't.
 
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Hey Emily, I don't think anyone would accuse you of not having a personality. Anyone who thinks you are only fun to be around while drunk is not someone you want in your life anyway.

I think you'll find once you start making changes you will start attracting different people who align with your new lifestyle too. You'll meet people doing new activities that align with where you are and you'll find people that were more aligned with your old lifestyle might drop off. That's ok, it's part of change.

Highly recommend looking at local Meetups in your area if you are wanting to kickstart making a new friend group, we have so many great yoga/ meditation/ hiking/ etc meetups around here and I made some great friends (that I'm still friends with) at a Pilates meet up (though it was on a local Facebook friends group). I'm sure there's similar things in your area and when you're surrounded by people with the same goals it's so much easier.
 
cate said:
Is that what you are afraid of the most, Em?
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No, I don't think so. I don't know what I'm afraid of really. In a way, falling out with so many people this year has been the best thing that ever happened to me. I don't feel any obligation to meet anyone for drinks anymore because I haven't done that in weeks. It's really freeing to know that I can build a life for myself that doesn't involve that at all.

Thanks Lucy, I have started to do that, and I'm sure I will be doing it more and more as my energy levels start to go back to normal. Meetup is great.

So, I have made a pledge to myself. Even though this is the weight loss forum, I am not going to worry about food or exercise at all for the next month. All I am going to focus on is a) not smoking and b) not drinking. It sounds so easy when I see it typed out like that, haha.

But yeah, this is going to be the main focus. Eliminating those two things should help a lot, but if I need a bar of chocolate to get me through the evening so I don't buy a bottle of wine or cigarettes, I need to be able to do that without feeling guilty, and then just abandoning everything and buying the wine anyway.

Day one has started once more, I am determined and I am so excited.
 
I haven't drank in over ten years, and I feel like I have a full, meaningful, and happy life. It was not easy to quit, though, because I was an alcoholic, so once I started drinking, I lost control and could not stop - blackouts, etc. I went for a few years quitting and then drinking again before finally getting sober for good. I even went for a full year once without drinking. Then I thought, "well it has been a whole year, surely I can moderate now." Nope. Same thing happened. Guess I just needed to finally be convinced that yeah, the 'off' switch was broken in my brain when it came to alcohol. Not suggesting this is the case for you at all - but it was for me. At any rate, I can assure you that life is pretty damn fun and interesting without alcohol. I feel like I can now meet my full potential. The drinking really held me back for many years.

Good luck!!
 
Emilyrose said:
So, I have made a pledge to myself. Even though this is the weight loss forum, I am not going to worry about food or exercise at all for the next month. All I am going to focus on is a) not smoking and b) not drinking. It sounds so easy when I see it typed out like that, haha.
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I think this is an excellent idea, Em. I think we have made this section of the forum a place where we can talk about almost anything & give one another support. You have mine. As Jen said she lives a "full, meaningful, and happy life. " without alcohol. I'm sure you could too. It might just be that catalyst for change that you are looking for, xoxo
 
Thanks so much Jenni. I agree that my life can be full and happy without alcohol. I'm just going to take it a step at a time.

Thank you Cate. It's nice to know you're on the other side of the globe rooting for me.

Well, no alcohol is going fine (the challenges will be as the week goes on and next weekend) but I am feeling good about it. The no smoking thing has not worked out. I caved. The only thing I can say about that is that I am moving home in a month and I have a holiday from work coming up, and both of those will be key in helping me to overcome this one also. I'm trying not to give myself a hard time about it. I'm going to try not smoking at work this week and see how that goes.

I'm also starting a 12-day program in the gym tomorrow. I considered cancelling it but I have to stop putting things on hold. The hard part of that will be the diet but all I can do is my best.

At least my fitness levels are still moderate. I did yoga this morning and felt strong in my poses.

Contemplating what to do for the rest of the day. Maybe go for a swim. Maybe watch a film. Maybe it's time to go back to the meditation group.

First step will be to make my lunch for tomorrow and take it from there. I feel kind of fragile right now.
 
Sometimes it's best just to give up one thing at a time. For me, I feel overwhelmed if I try to give it all up at once, and then I cave on all! The meditation group sounds awesome!
 
Thanks Jenni. You're right. I was thinking this morning while I puffed away, 'Smoking isn't much fun if you can't drink', so maybe I will naturally ease off/stop as the sober journey continues.

Day 3 today! This might sound a little silly, but I bought myself a pretty ring in Tesco yesterday which I am calling my 'sobriety ring'. It's just a visual reminder to myself that I want to stay away from that poisonous stuff until I reach my weight goals (or forever, we'll see). Realistically, it's going to take me at least 3 months to get there if I do everything right. But I'm trying to stop myself from planning too far into the future. We're taking it a day at a time and today, I did not drink wine.

But I was tempted, believe it or not. Already. I went for my consultation in the gym, and when he weighed me and took my measurements and I looked in the mirror and saw what's been happening to my body all year, the body I've drank to forget about, I felt an overwhelming sense of shame and panic. All I could think was, 'How have I let this happen again?! Waa waa waa.' I nearly bought wine on my walk home, as technically the programme doesn't start till tomorrow. But then I remembered something.
I remembered that the last time I did something like this, I was 24 pounds heavier. So that helped me to put some perspective on it. Sure, it's not fantastic, and I swear the lighting and the huge mirror they were using are designed to make you look even fatter, but it's not a complete disaster. I know what I have to do. Was I able to run 4 miles easily when I had that consultation nearly 5 years ago? No. No, I was not able to do much of anything. It might not seem like it sometimes, but I have learned so much since then.

Anyway, I'm booked in for a morning session every day this week, which means I have to get up at around 5.30 am every morning. That should keep me on the straight and narrow. The sessions look really hard, but I feel like I'll barely be awake when I'm doing them, so we'll get there.

I feel really ill this evening, ate way too much chocolate today, so I'm actually looking forward to the food plan, which is really doable and not a million miles away from the plans I make for myself anyway. Apparently, tomatoes are bad. Who knew?

Right, that's it for now, going to chill out for the rest of my (short) evening and try to shut my eyes by about 9. Amazing how much better I feel only 2 days off the grog. And my skin has improved already. I'll fill you in on my gym adventures tomorrow.
 
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Best of luck with your 12 days, Em! Realizing how far you´ve come can be tremendously helpful. It shows you CAN do this.
 
I love the idea of a sobriety ring! Cool to have a tangible symbol for your goal, and one you can "see" to boot! Good stuff.

You are brave to take on this gym thing with a trainer. I probably need to do the same, but truth be known, I'm just too scared!
 
Thanks LaMa and Cate. Yes we can!

Jenniquest said:
I love the idea of a sobriety ring! Cool to have a tangible symbol for your goal, and one you can "see" to boot! Good stuff.

You are brave to take on this gym thing with a trainer. I probably need to do the same, but truth be known, I'm just too scared!
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Hi Jenni. Thanks, I like having it on. My precious. :)

The gym thing is actually keeping me going, I have to get up at crazy o'clock to go there, so wine is not an option! It's probably come at a great time, although I'm only half-trying with the food plan. It's too overwhelming right now.

I didn't think I did that much this morning but my legs are aching right now, but it wasn't that bad at all. It's over before you know it kind of thing.

Work today was stressful, won't get into it, but I had a tension headache for a lot of the day. Hopefully things will settle down tomorrow. Never a dull moment in that place! It's both a good and bad thing.

I didn't get even near my steps today and I am pooped after my early start, so I'm going to run to the gym and run back in the morning. It's about 10 minutes each way, and if I run I get an extra 10 minutes in bed! Haha. I need my sleep.

Had a few shaky wobbles throughout the day when I thought about not having wine this weekend, but no point worrying about that when it's only Tuesday. I have the cinema planned for Friday night so that should sort that and I'll deal with Saturday when it comes. I was in great form today though, feel like my real self, not hungover self. It's good.
 
Feeling like your real self is a wonderful thing, Em. Tell yourself "I am strong", because you are xoxo
 
Yay for not waking up hungover! I remember when I stopped drinking the mornings were my favorite time because I felt so good and fresh waking up without that pounding headache and terrible feeling in my gut.

Sore legs are a sign of hard work. Keep it up! You can do this! :)
 
Thanks so much for the words of encouragement guys.

I am strong. Rrrrr.

Good day today. Got through a few challenges in work this morning and it was altogether pleasant.

Actually, I felt really proud of myself today for being alert and present in the office. The woman who sits across from me came in in floods of tears, she had planned a trip to see her sister, and her sister basically said it didn't suit for her to visit right now, and she was very upset. I was able to offer her support and at the end of the day she thanked me for trying to cheer her up. It's good to not be so inner-focused and to be able to send positive vibes out. Impossible when most of your energy is going into just staying awake.

I went for a lovely walk this evening, there's a storm on the way, the clouds were moving fast across the sky and the leaves were blowing everywhere. The lake I walked around was simply gorgeous in the dusky light and the swans looked so beautiful and elegant gliding across the water. I normally think swans are overrated, but it's all about the lighting, haha.

Getting up every morning for the gym is tough going, it's only quarter past 9 and I am so jaded. I can't wait to move out of this house - it's so easy to wake up to any noise - and my sleep was interrupted once at midnight when my housemate was canoodling with his girlfriend in the hallway and then at 3am when someone got up to make a snack for themselves. This normally wouldn't bother me that much, but when I have to set my alarm for half 5, it's tough going. They have to live too! But I am looking forward to the weekend and catching up on sleep.

I'm also really constipated, maybe I'm eating more solid food because 600 of my calories aren't from wine, and maybe the wine did have some diuretic properties. If I stay away from it, I'm sure things will go back to normal again. I really hope so, I feel so out of shape right now.

That's it for now, goodnight all.
 
"I Am Woman"
Helen Reddy
I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'Cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again
Oh yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong
(Strong)
I am invincible
(Invincible)
I am woman
You can bend but never break me
'Cause it only serves to make me
More determined to achieve my final goal
And I come back even stronger
Not a novice any longer
'Cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul
Oh yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can do anything
I am strong
(Strong)
I am invincible
(Invincible)
I am woman
I am woman watch me grow
See me standing toe to toe
As I spread my lovin' arms across the land
But I'm still an embryo
With a long, long way to go
Until I make my brother understand
Oh yes, I am wise
But it's wisdom born of pain
Yes, I've paid the price
But look how much I gained
If I have to, I can face anything
I am strong
(Strong)
I am invincible
(Invincible)
I am woman
I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman
I am invincible
I am strong
I am woman

It's an oldie, but a goodie. This is the song that I danced to on my own when we were away for a weekend recently. I must admit to doing "the moves" :blush5:
xoxo
 
Evening walks in autumn are lovely. I don´t know if it´s standard but wine/alcohol definitely irritates my guts and makes everything pass along faster. May just take a bit for your organs to calm down and get used to the new normal.
 
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