Emily Rose: The Reboot

Hi Cate. The play was excellent, a bit depressing, but the acting was absolutely spot on and the set design was amazing. The most important part was meeting my friend again and having a catch-up. She's such a lovely person.

Unfortunately, she imparted some news to me that has left me reeling a little bit. Well, not really, but it's just the same pattern that's been happening all year, where something momentous happens in someone's life that I was really close to at some point, and they don't bother to even send a text message and tell me. I mean, I've accepted that this is the way it is, why do I even bloody care at this point, but I guess it still stings a little.

Because of the work situation, I've had a think about my behaviour over the last few years. There are a lot of negatives in there, I'm aware of this. I'm aware that I've built a few walls, that I'm not always my best self, but I'm also like, 'Why do I bloody have to be?' I shouldn't have to be this amazing, charismatic, carefree person, just wandering around spreading joy and happiness to every person that I meet. I mean, I'm not aiming to be Oprah or a Buddhist monk, so really, why do I have to reach a certain standard, or even any standard, to have people want to stick around?

When I was a kid, a lot of people didn't like me, and I'm finding that it's happening all over again. I didn't understand it then and I don't understand it now. And when I was a child, I didn't have any bad habits to blame it on. I've always been a little bit outspoken and I've always been very individualistic with an inner confidence and drive. I still have that. It is there. I try to drown it out with all the stupid habits I've picked up, but it never leaves me. I don't want it to.

I guess I'm realising that maybe the people I thought at one point were great actually aren't. So I probably shouldn't feel upset about it anymore. Anyway, the best revenge is a life well lived, and that's all I can try to do.

On a more positive note, killing it with the 10,000 steps. I think my next goal will be, 'No drinking alcohol when I have work the next day.' I have not succeeded in that this week, despite saying I would. So, let's finish this week with the steps first, make sure I have done that, and move on to the next one on Saturday.

This song from The Greatest Showman has been on the radio here a lot lately, I'm not a bearded lady, but I think the message still works:

 
Very good day today.

Went for a run, great yoga class with the divine yoga man, ate the dinner my housemate cooked (at last), had really great chat with colleague at work.

Feel tired but happy. Watching the Mercury Prize award show now. Have only heard of maybe two or three of the artists, so out of the loop. It's a relaxing way to wind down on this wet and windy evening.
 
It was!

Had another equally lovely day in work today, they are actually all cool ladies in their own way.

I am always fascinated by people and the human condition, it's the reason I love film and literature and music so much. Anything emotive, anything that taps into what is really going on.

I went to a pub tonight that can probably be described as a 'meat market' - people out to get pissed and shag anyone that looks their way - and I felt really uncomfortable. I just can't seem to let loose the way other people can, I'm far too self-conscious. But I've come to terms with that. I do envy that trait though. I take myself way too seriously. I need to shake myself out of it.

Besides the horrible pub, I had a lovely evening with friends old and new, and despite being heavier than I'd like and my skin being in a bad state, I enjoyed myself.

Have to get up early tomorrow, then it's recovery mode for the rest of the day. Feeling good.
 
That pub sounds truly awful Em. I'm glad you didn't fit in but also glad you had a good night & a good day at work. Have a lovely weekend :)
 
Thanks Cate.

This weekend I have been tired. I slept for nearly 12 hours last night and still had to take a nap this afternoon. I think it's a positive sign. The body is healing. I felt like I was coming down with something on Friday in work - muscle pains, energy levels low, really cold - but it hasn't developed so I think my body has just said 'Nope' to me expending much energy while it keeps me healthy. It's got my back.

I got up this morning and did a four mile run, the sun was shining, it was so pleasant. Then saw one man punching another man in the arm because his dog had been off his lead and he'd attacked his dog. Not what you expect to see on a Sunday morning ramble.

I'm lying in bed now, going to get up soon and go for a swim, then I might visit my parents and stay there tonight. Or else come back here and watch The Hangover Part II. I am loving Zach Galifiankis these days. This is probably one of my favourite music videos ever (Fiona Apple is amazing also):

 
Agh, where is the extended view gone? I hate typing into the little box. I have things to say people!

Anyway, I guess I will just have to make do. I made a kind of ballsy decision today. In the grand scheme of things, it will probably have a big impact on my life.

I'm not even sure if it was the right one, but I am not happy with the status quo, so something had to be done. I actually woke up with the freshest head I have in a while, so it was a decision that was made from a positive place as opposed to a place of fear, which is where I usually make decisions.

Anyway, I'll get into a bit more on a later post, after the dust has settled.

I'm just going to give the Universe a very clear picture of what I want and wait for it to come my way. Things always work out in the end, right? Eek.

Good day in work, lovely sunny evening out there. Feeling good.
 
Hi Cate. I'm probably moving home for a while and potentially switching jobs. Things will be clearer in the coming weeks.

I had an interesting discussion with one of the girls last week. She made a comment that she can see that some days I am dying sick but she thinks that I feel like I can't take a sick day because I am too busy. I was completely horrified because despite the pressure I put my body under, I haven't actually been 'sick' in a long time. What she is noticing is me being hungover from the night before in the office. Maybe she knows that's what is going on, I'm not sure. I felt so embarrassed about my behaviour.

Anyway, moving home is both for financial and health reasons - I am just in a hole where money is concerned and health wise, I would never smoke or drink a bottle of wine in my home house. (Lies, I've done both, but only on sporadic occasions.)

I really am determined to make a change. I had a mostly sober week in work and it makes such a difference. But it is probably the wrong environment for me right now. I think changing jobs would help me a lot. I will miss the team a lot though.

Calories have been mostly controlled this week, adore the Fitbit, ordered the scale today to measure my body fat too, I need that external driver to keep me on track.

Had happy day in general, loads of internal shit to get sorted, but it was a beautiful day. I love autumn.
 
I think moving home & being surrounded by the people who love you & who you love would be a good healing thing to do. It should help you to think clearer & be able to make a fresh start. :grouphug: xoxo
 
Thanks Cate. It will only be a stopgap until the next big adventure but I'm ready for something new.

I did a massive clearout of my room today, delighted with myself. Woke up feeling kind of drained and with no motivation, but I just switched off the negative side of my head and powered through. I actually felt so much better and more energised afterwards. It's great to have it all clean.

We also got a sticker in the letterbox about a clothes collection in the morning, you just fill a bin bag with unwanted clothing/shoes and they pick it up outside the door. I threw away some stuff that is just ugly and I still sometimes wear but I shouldn't and also some jeans and things that have never fit me and are just taking up space in my wardrobe. They're pretty much brand new. I figure by the time I actually can fit into them, I'll be able to buy some replacements easily enough.

I had some lasagne for dinner, really full after it, I actually don't think I like lasagne that much. But I don't really eat a lot of red meat, so it was good to up my iron intake.

I skipped meditation tonight, I just don't really have the energy for it this evening.

I had a really nice afternoon yesterday, I went for a walk by the river, the trees are just stunning this time of year, and the air is crisp. I met up with my friend for a hot chocolate in this gorgeous hotel in town, then I went back to his house for a while and we drank tea and watched a film. I really enjoyed it. Definitely better than drinking wine at home on my own.

There should be none of that this week, October is here already, believe it or not.

My October goals:
- No drinking alone/drinking when I have work the following day
- No smoking except at the weekends
- Daily exercise (either step count or something else)
- Cook all my meals (exception is if I am meeting friends or visiting family)

I have a fun weekend planned next week, so there should be no wine consumed this week whatsoever.

Anyway, that's it for today, talk again soon.
 
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I didn't think moving back home would be anything but a "time out" thing to regroup. It will do you good though.
Your afternoon sounds lovely.
Your October goals sound good, Em xo
 
Thanks Cate. It was funny, my landlord was over earlier, and she said that I'm the second person this week that has told her they are moving out and going home to their parents. (She has an empire.) It made me feel a lot better about the whole thing!!

Today I was walking around the local lake and I just said to myself, 'I have to lose this 10 kg. I just have to get rid of it.' I just hate being overweight. I really want to feel sexy and body confident and get a flipping boyfriend, and it just won't happen when I am so unhappy with the excess blubber. I know that people like you for more than just your looks, blah blah, but I just have this horrible body disconnect, and I want to be at peace. I'm fed up of it.

Even if I lose 10 kg, I will still not be very thin, but I will look so much better in my clothes (and out of my clothes!). I don't think I look so bad now but my whole middle section is so depressing. It's also really a whole journey, because if I did lose 10 kg, it would mean a lot of head changes, a lot of lifestyle changes, and all around, everything would improve. It starts with the 10 kg and turns into something else. But yeah, fed up with it.

Anyway, my dad won this voucher for a 12-day programme in this specialised gym. They put you on a strict diet and you do a training session with them every day for 12 days. I rang the girl there and I am booked in for next Monday. I just need to speed-lose a few kg (I know it's the wrong way to do it, but I have been lingering at this higher weight for too bloody long!) and I think that would really encourage me to keep going with it.

Today my food was mostly good, I got up at 6am to go for a swim (50 laps) and I went for a walk this evening to bring my step count up to 13,679. So I'm very pleased with that.

In other good news, everyone at work was so nice to me today! They were all cheerful around me and really lovely. It was a good day.

I'm also really happy with my decision to move home, I think I need some space. I have way more space in my parents house than I do here. I also need to physically remove myself from the place where I have developed so many bad habits. This is really my big chance to give up cigarettes for good. I'm excited.
 
Yeah, I'm feeling really good about that.

Incredibly stressful day in work. Even when I was in the stress, I was aware and thinking, 'Okay, you are freaking out, that is not helping.' This is something I would never have done in my younger days, acknowledging the feeling, accepting that, and moving forward. I mean, I am not totally there yet, I wasn't ratty exactly, but I was probably a bit short today on one or two occasions. Nothing crazy though.

I ended up staying until half 7, didn't quite get it all finished, but I just had to leave. I need to work on planning bigtime. This last minute shit is getting wearing.

I got my new Aria 2 Fitbit scale today, exciting! I actually feel like I'm in the future. I just really wanted it for a good measure of my body fat. I know I will probably be horrified/disappointed in the morning, but I love the idea of really tracking that and working to get it down. I actually think (for the first time probably ever in my life) that I could have a really good shape. It's just the kind of shape that is hard to maintain - big boobs and hips, so all the excess weight kind of hangs there. But even maybe 5 kilos lighter than this and maintaining my exercise routine would make all the difference.

I was also thinking tonight about some stuff that happened last year and I got a different perspective on it from something I watched on youtube. I feel better about things.

Food/exercise today didn't happen, work overload took over, but I have the next few days to rectify that.

I'm trying to think if I have any humourous anecdotes. I read back on here some times and it seems like I'm drab and completely without spark or wit. I always read blogs where people are hilarious, they make it look so easy! Hmm, maybe funny things don't happen to me as much any more. Have I lost my sense of humour? Agh, I hope not. Although, in the past, a lot of my funny stories came out of me being in absolute dreamland, some disaster happening, and then a resolution where I came out alive. I'm not sure it's really worth it, ha.

Yeah, I need someone who will make me laugh. Indeed.
 
Being hilarious must be absolutely exhausting! You? Drab & completely without spark or wit? Are you serious?
Finding the things that make you happy would be good Em. Stop putting yourself down, hon xoxo
 
Wow, you have a lot of changes coming up!! Hopefully being at home will lessen stress and help with getting you into the right mindset to make the changes you want. It's all positive!
 
Hi guys. Cate, it must have seemed like I was fishing for compliments or some kind of validation, I didn't mean for it to come out that way.

What I really meant, because I read back on my own posts at times, is that I don't live a joyless existence. I have fun, I laugh every day. I just feel like everything is cloudy. Sometimes dark, sometimes fluffy.

Wow, that doesn't sound too good.

Lucy, it will. Fitbit tells me my resting heartbeat is lower at home.

On this note, I got my scale. I am so sad. I am 5 percent higher in body fat than I thought I would be. So embarrassed.

I am 10% above what I should be. So sad.

Tragic.

I realised today that I am so fat. So so so fat. My worst nightmare came true once more.
 
I didn't see it as you fishing for compliments at all, Em. I really didn't. I usually ignore anyone who fishes for compliments. Yesterday at golf one of the really skinny women said how fat she was & I said: "Oh, you are- you're such a chubster!" Everyone laughed & so did she. She was fishing. That is tragic.
Like me, I think you overthink things & are particularly hard on yourself.
I'm sure that I would technically be more overweight than you. I don't see myself as fat. If I start saying that I am so, so fat I want everyone to tell me to stop.
Please STOP it Em. Stop being so hard on yourself. Please.
 
I never thought you came across as fishing for compliments! But I will say- you have a lot of personality that really comes through in your journal which makes it really nice to read. And you definitely don't come across as drab!!

You really need to stop the negative self talk though, it sets you up for failure. It turns into, I'm so fat, why should I even bother? And why bother starting if I'm just going to fail anyway?

Accept where you are, you don't need to love it, just accept it. And work on it. I had a Fitbit thing come through saying I'd lost 14kgs now since Nov 2016 which is slow at HELL and felt like I was getting nowhere the whole time. When I started I was in a similar headspace too, none of my clothes fit, didn't want my picture taken, bingeing most days. This is absolutely something you can do Emily, just got to believe in yourself. Setbacks happen too, it's not the end of the world. I've backslid a few kgs a couple of times and had injuries etc that kept me bedbound, just got to keep going. I think exercise is the only thing keeping me sane at the moment and pulling me through when I do have a few bad days in a row.

Also no one judges you as harshly as you do yourself. Be kind. Imagine it was your best friend coming to you feeling like this, what would you say to her?
 
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