Emily Rose: The Reboot

Thanks Cate. You'd be surprised how much notice people take, even if they don't react at the time. I've had a few shocks this year where I realised how much people can overanalyse what you say or really take it to heart. Hmm.

Well, I made it through the weekend without drinking. It's been a little bit difficult. Giving myself space to deal with shit instead of blocking it out isn't always pleasant, but I guess it's necessary.

I've found myself worrying a bit about work this weekend as well, what a waste of time. There's not much I can do about it until tomorrow!

The yoga workshop was a bit bananas but quite fun. We all sat in a circle and had to say our names and then everyone said 'Namaste Emily' and then said 'Namaste' to my pelvic region, and I did the same for all the others. Lol. It was nice but I wasn't in the best headspace for it. The teacher was obsessed with the full moon as well, telling us to take the energy from the moon into our bodies. She was cool though, really uninhibited.

I have spinning in a while, then have to buy Christmas presents in town. It's madness in there, but it's my only day to do it this week.

I'm feeling ok, maybe better than yesterday after a good night's sleep. I'm a bit disappointed because I'm killing it with the exercise but I'm not dropping any weight, so I have to start to focus on my diet now and cut out the sugar. Which is a lot more difficult (for me).
 
I have really bad cramps today, not feeling too good. It's frustrating because I thought with the major improvements to my diet and all the exercise, they would ease up. I shudder to think what they'll be like in another 10 years if they're this bad now.

I stayed on plan yesterday and I've stayed on plan today so far. I'm going to the cinema soon and I would love to dive headfirst into a big bag of sweets but I'm not going to.

I went for a run after work and I felt like a fucking rockstar. The exercise is really paying off, my fitness level is very good at the moment. Considering I'm carrying an extra stone around with me, it's great.

Waiting for my dinner to cook now - grilled salmon with noodles, Brussels sprouts and butternut squash. Yum yum.
 
Your dinner sounds fantastic! Well done on the run, Emily. I love that feeling afterwards too. It's like a glow. :)
 
I take magnesium for cramps Em. I used to have them badly as a teenager & got them again when I took up golf. Magnesium oil rubbed into your feet at night also helps you sleep soundly.
Emilyrose said:
I went for a run after work and I felt like a fucking rockstar. The exercise is really paying off, my fitness level is very good at the moment.
Click to expand...
That's fantastic! I love to hear it :D
 
Thanks Elizabeth.

I actually did take a magnesium tablet yesterday morning Cate, so I tried. I'm feeling normal again today, physically anyway.

Mentally, I'm a bit all over the place. I'm feeling very out of sorts. And then work descended into chaos today and there's just so much shit to get through this week. But I guess I'll just have to keep the head down and get through it. I did well today I think.

There is a part of me saying to get out while I still can, but I will park that thought until after Christmas. I think I might need a change of scenery altogether. I don't know. Life is confusing.

My housemate just shared his weight loss journey with me, it was really interesting. I think he's noticed that I'm trying to do this and it was his way of helping. Considering we had a massive bust up a few weeks ago, this was very kind of him. It actually cheered me up a bit after a less than perfect day. I guess the trick is to hang on in there.
 
Another day down. The time is flying by. I am very tempted to drink wine tonight but I am going to fight the urge and battle on.

The day wasn't too bad in the end. I had a good yoga class with the handsome man - he is so handsome! It was a boost to an otherwise fairly uneventful day.

Life is very boring right now. I am losing weight though, but sadly boredom = weight loss for me. I know it should all be about the journey but I feel like I've been on a motorway for weeks. I want a diversion goddammit!
 
hang in there !! have you considered taking up a hobby to keep your mind active and the boredom away ?
 
Stress at work and boredom outside of it sounds like a hellish combo for the brain. Can you plan anything not food-related to treat yourself? Massage, beauty treatment, shopping with a friend, a weekend trip to a place you´ve never been to...
 
Hi Tru, it's funny, I actually am really busy, or busy enough anyway, but I'm struggling with everything being so regimented even though I know it's good for me.

Hi LaMa, I actually did meet a friend tonight. It was food-related but it broke up the routine a bit.

It's now 9.14 pm and I'm sitting in bed feeling way too full and completely exhausted. I got up at 6 am this morning and I went for food with a friend after work and it's completely tuckered me out. Also, my body is wondering why I've eaten so much heavy food after a week of eating relatively lighter. I got a chicken tostada, sampled a meatball and then had this amazing peach and chilli cheesecake for dessert. I don't think I ate loads but my stomach seems to think so. I actually can't wait to sleep now.

I've really felt the benefits of not drinking this week in work. I didn't even have a glass of wine tonight, very pleased with that. I have no plans for going out this weekend either, which is a bit boring, but probably what I need. I'm getting used to boring! I'm planning a mini road trip with the girl I met tonight to visit some old friends in February. This is my first official plan for 2018, it should be really fun. So that's good. :)
 
A road trip with a friend to visit other friends? Sounds lovely Em. Well done on not having any wine this week!
 
Thanks Cate. Yeah, I think it will be really fun.

I think I've found the guy. The one I talked about in my first post on here, the theoretical hot boyfriend. I don't know, I just have a feeling about him. I can't see the specifics right now, even with my crazy imaginative powers that quite literally make people manifest before me, which I really believe we all have the power to do. I really love reading about matter and energy and I think of the globe and our universe as energy and matter and you just have to tap into the right stuff and it all comes back to you.

For example, I worked with a girl in my previous job who was high energy but also high stress in her manner and the way that she engages with people. I met her about a year ago and she had a new job and she was so enthusiastic about it and it seemed to all be going well. I met her last week and the job has descended into high stress, redundancies, all the major drama, and to me it was clear that it was her energy that was causing this to be her life, her pattern. I have a very observant, sometimes too observant friend who always talks about patterns in people's lives, and they will basically run on until they decide to put a stop to them.

I myself have patterns of behaviour that I'm following constantly, but I really broke that spell this time last year, and despite lots of stoppages along the way, lots of derailments, lots of delays, I know that the good times will appear soon...
 
Cheers Cate.

I messed up last night and drank loads of wine. I woke up this morning and really regretted that decision because it has completely messed up my diet for the day. That being said, I should be back on track again tomorrow. I just need to remember what my goal is and not give in to these urges and bad habits.
 
It's another learning experience Em. Were you with friends & got into party mode? :grouphug:
 
Alcohol calories suck. I still hope you enjoyed drinking them though so they weren't wasted.
 
Hi Cate. No, I was enjoying some wine time alone, so that's not very good, is it?

Yeah, I have to learn to say no to the wine calories, LaMa.

My big question to myself for the evening is how can I stop feeling so angry and hurt when I am left out of things? This has been the theme of 2017 for me - I know LaMa posted some stuff on this thread not so long ago, but you know what? It really hurts to not be included, to not be remembered, to not really be wanted. I feel like people don't really want or need me around anymore. I guess I just want to reach a point where it doesn't even bother me because I am so happy with my own life and the way I'm living it that I'll just shrug my shoulders and be like, 'Eh, whatever. I have so much going for me that it's totally cool.'

I asked a friend of mine that has also gone a bit cold recently if I was a difficult person to be friends with, and she said that I am very vocal in my opinion about things and that sometimes people don't want to hear it. But I am never saying anything to intentionally hurt the person, it's just how I see it, and that might be right or it might be wrong, but that's just how it is.

A part of me just wants to say 'Fuck you all' and start again and cut them all out of my life, rather than allowing them to use me when needed and then not bother with me when I really need them. I think I do need friends at the moment, I'm having a lonely time of it, work is hard, life isn't exactly what I want it to be, I don't actually know where I'm headed for. It's a lot to shoulder by yourself, but there is truth in the fact that people only want to be around you when things are going well or when you're on the same path as them. I seem to be off in the wilderness somewhere, every day having to chop down a few more trees in order to make progress. And that's ok, I've accepted that I am a little bit lost and it's going to take time to find myself again. I'm just pissed off that the support from friends has pretty much disappeared.

The thing is that I hold a lot of stuff back, I try to be upbeat and cheerful when I meet friends for the most part, and I really try not to be whinging and moaning about my sad, difficult life, which isn't actually that sad or difficult at all when you really look at it. But I'm afraid sometimes, I get sad, and I just don't feel like people want to know about any of that stuff with me. It just means self-motivation all the time. I don't know. Do any of you feel like the people who you should be able to depend on are just not dependable when it all comes down to it?

I also talked about the triangle of drama and how everything is everyone else's fault. I don't think this at all - I know a lot of my struggles are down to my own life choices. I am working to rectify this, I really am. But I'm just feeling let down and I can't help that - it's how I feel this year. I don't want this to continue into 2018. Any tips?
 
Hard to say, really. I feel like I've found my tribe but I'm probably the least social person who isn't a literal hermit. I don't give my opinion, even to good friends, unless people ask directly. The internet is different, as you can see :p
I really can't say whether you're asking too much of your current friends or whether they're simply the wrong people for me. And it's hard to find out because asking about these things makes people deeply uncomfortable.
I have a friend who is very direct and not very sensitive to my kind of social cues and it almost broke our friendship. I learned to give a hard no when I don't want to do something - which makes me feel terribly impolite but works. I explained to her that me having a day off doesn't always mean I want to plan something with her - even if I don't have anything else planned - and that I don't mean that as rejection of her but as me defending my much-needed alone time. She's learned that when we plan to meet up she can suggest an extension of that plan but if I decline and she keeps pushing I'll get grumpy and less willing to make future plans with her. I guess to some people that means I'm a bad friend for her but for us hard boundaries mean we still get to hang out regularly, have fun and support each other in hard times. And by now she'll even sometimes thank me for my hard no because it makes things clear for her. And it makes her feel safe in asking, knowing that I'm not just going along to be polite while secretly getting more and more annoyed and looking for a way out of the "friendship". All of which is to say: friendships look so different that it's near-impossible to judge them from the outside. I'm sorry if that isn't very helpful :(
 
I feel pretty much the same. We are all so different. I'm a bit of a blunt friend too & not the best person to ask. I sometimes start asking myself if I have any true friends or close friends. I do, but it just doesn't feel like it sometimes. I think I can be a bit too much for some people. Most people you don't have a clue what they mean or what they're thinking & I am more inclined to just say what I think & that can be hard for them to take. Friendships shouldn't be hard. I don't have bosom buddies as such. I never really did, even in High school. Girlfriends can be a bit overwhelming & possessive.
Sorry, I'm not much help either Em! :grouphug:
 
Thanks guys. I actually think both of your posts were really helpful for me.

I think my problem is that I have a hard time letting go and this is preventing me from really making progress in my life. To be honest, the less social I am, the more readily I am able to stay in healthy eating/exercise mode, so I don't even know why it bothers me so much that people aren't calling me up every weekend to do stuff with them. It's actually derailing me when they do.

A part of me is actually afraid to succeed and leave all my friends behind. I know that sounds kind of silly but I guess everyone fills a sort of role in life, in the way that people see you, and if I no longer fit that role anymore, what will that mean for my current relationships? But I guess I am finding that these relationships aren't great anyway, so really nothing should hold me back anymore.

I guess I just don't want to reach my goal and have no one to share it with, but if I actually started living my best life, I'm sure there would be plenty of people who would turn up along the way that would be delighted for me. I guess I'm afraid of being alone and that makes me alone.

Anyway, fuck all that, I'm going to get my ass to the gym tonight and hit the restart button. Let's listen to a bit of Shawn Mendes and get this train back on track:

 
You will make new friends all your life Em. Not much stays the same.
Go you getting that arse/train back on track! xoxo
 
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