Emily Rose: The Reboot
- Thread starter Emilyrose
- Start date
Yeah, it was a stroke of luck that he was there and willing to help.
The car brought me to work and back today, so that was good. I felt pretty wrecked today but I went to spinning after work and managed to sweat a lot of the badness out. It was another good class.
I'm going home to the parents on Friday, looking forward to chilling out with them. We get on so well, it's great. Going to make myself a cup of tea now, watch a bit of telly and get an early night.
The car brought me to work and back today, so that was good. I felt pretty wrecked today but I went to spinning after work and managed to sweat a lot of the badness out. It was another good class.
I'm going home to the parents on Friday, looking forward to chilling out with them. We get on so well, it's great. Going to make myself a cup of tea now, watch a bit of telly and get an early night.
I'm struggling with my sense of identity at the moment. I feel like people keep running away from me. And then I try to process and talk about this with other friends and they run away from me too.
Sometimes I think people only want to know the most shallow side of me and then when they get to know the real me, they don't like what they find. A friend that I had a massive falling out with and that has really affected me for months now told me in the midst of our fight, 'You're so outgoing - you're so good with people', whilst not really wanting to hang around with me anymore. It's like she was saying that she loves me on social occasions when there are lots of people around, but not so much when there aren't.
I'm really, really affected by this. I guess when you let the walls down with people and then they just abandon you, it's so hard to take. I've had a lot of close friendships where this has happened.
I'm also really annoyed with myself, because with any scrap of an invite, I end up going to events or meetups, even if it doesn't suit me, even if I don't want to, because I feel so guilty about letting people down. Even though I'm finding that more and more, I'm being let down.
I think what I hate most is being excluded. I would never exclude anyone if I was doing anything, and yet it always happens to me. For example, this weekend, the girl I had the fight with invited me to meet up with her before she went off with her other friends to go to a gig that I wasn't invited to. Yet I was expected to be perfectly happy to just get the invite for the time she allotted to me. Is this normal? Do other people experience this with friends? I wouldn't dream of asking someone to meet up if I was going to go to something afterwards that I could easily have invited them to.
I know this all sounds petty and childish, but I actually don't care. It has upset me.
It has upset me so much that my confidence is really low. I had a fantastic meeting in work today, everyone was praising me for all the help I gave them with different things, the boss praised me big-time. In the middle of the meeting, a call came in from one of the other managers for me who is always ringing to complain, so I was a bit worried. It turns out, he wasn't complaining at all, he just wanted to check with me about something.
Anyway, I guess I'm happy that I'm doing a good job there but I feel like my personal life is at an all-time low. Maybe I should be proud that I'm doing well despite the fact that my personal life is in the gutter. And that's not me throwing myself into work in any way, it's actually just normal for the most part. I guess all the shit that's going on is putting a major dampener on the things that are going right (after a struggle, it has to be said).
I don't know, something is a bit off. My weight is really high. I started this diary 11 months ago and I feel like progress has been minimal overall. I just seem to be lost.
Sometimes I think people only want to know the most shallow side of me and then when they get to know the real me, they don't like what they find. A friend that I had a massive falling out with and that has really affected me for months now told me in the midst of our fight, 'You're so outgoing - you're so good with people', whilst not really wanting to hang around with me anymore. It's like she was saying that she loves me on social occasions when there are lots of people around, but not so much when there aren't.
I'm really, really affected by this. I guess when you let the walls down with people and then they just abandon you, it's so hard to take. I've had a lot of close friendships where this has happened.
I'm also really annoyed with myself, because with any scrap of an invite, I end up going to events or meetups, even if it doesn't suit me, even if I don't want to, because I feel so guilty about letting people down. Even though I'm finding that more and more, I'm being let down.
I think what I hate most is being excluded. I would never exclude anyone if I was doing anything, and yet it always happens to me. For example, this weekend, the girl I had the fight with invited me to meet up with her before she went off with her other friends to go to a gig that I wasn't invited to. Yet I was expected to be perfectly happy to just get the invite for the time she allotted to me. Is this normal? Do other people experience this with friends? I wouldn't dream of asking someone to meet up if I was going to go to something afterwards that I could easily have invited them to.
I know this all sounds petty and childish, but I actually don't care. It has upset me.
It has upset me so much that my confidence is really low. I had a fantastic meeting in work today, everyone was praising me for all the help I gave them with different things, the boss praised me big-time. In the middle of the meeting, a call came in from one of the other managers for me who is always ringing to complain, so I was a bit worried. It turns out, he wasn't complaining at all, he just wanted to check with me about something.
Anyway, I guess I'm happy that I'm doing a good job there but I feel like my personal life is at an all-time low. Maybe I should be proud that I'm doing well despite the fact that my personal life is in the gutter. And that's not me throwing myself into work in any way, it's actually just normal for the most part. I guess all the shit that's going on is putting a major dampener on the things that are going right (after a struggle, it has to be said).
I don't know, something is a bit off. My weight is really high. I started this diary 11 months ago and I feel like progress has been minimal overall. I just seem to be lost.
I´m sorry you´re dealing with this. The thing is: you can´t change how other people act.
About this:
For a look at what may (or may not, I don´t know you OR your friends) be happening on the other side of the fence:
https://captainawkward.com/2017/10/...ing-me-want-to-leave-her-out-of-social-stuff/
I hope I´m not offending you, because I really want you to feel better about yourself.
About this:
You may be interested in checking out http://www.plausiblydeniable.com/opinion/gsf.html
For a look at what may (or may not, I don´t know you OR your friends) be happening on the other side of the fence:
https://captainawkward.com/2017/10/...ing-me-want-to-leave-her-out-of-social-stuff/
I hope I´m not offending you, because I really want you to feel better about yourself.
Thanks LaMa, no, you're not offending me at all. I'm just trying to work through it and I needed a place to vent. That stuff made for some excellent reading, thank you.
I had some wine last night so today is a bit of a write-off. I really think I just need this week off from work. Only one more to go and then I'm free.
Following on from yesterday's post, I'm going to start saying no a lot more, whatever the consequences. I need some time by myself for a while. I want my health to be my focus and I'm not really giving myself a chance. So it's time to start doing that a lot more.
I had some wine last night so today is a bit of a write-off. I really think I just need this week off from work. Only one more to go and then I'm free.
Following on from yesterday's post, I'm going to start saying no a lot more, whatever the consequences. I need some time by myself for a while. I want my health to be my focus and I'm not really giving myself a chance. So it's time to start doing that a lot more.
Thanks Brawny and Cate.
Yesterday morning I weighed myself and I was the heaviest I'd been in a good few years. I'm not that crushed though. The good thing about being a higher weight is that it tends to come down quite fast when I make any changes at all. I'm weighing every day again for the time being so that I stay on track. No point in ignoring the problem.
As I mentioned, I'm taking some time for myself for a while. The weekend will be mostly focused on cleaning the house because our landlord is calling around Monday evening and she wants to inspect all the rooms. It's a pain in the ass to have to do it, but I'm just going to treat it like a job and get stuck in.
I have a gym class at 1pm today, dreading that, but then I'm going to have a rejuvenating shower and treat myself to lunch somewhere. I have to try to figure out my food for the week at some point as well.
That's all for today, back tomorrow. I might start tracking my food here again.
Yesterday morning I weighed myself and I was the heaviest I'd been in a good few years. I'm not that crushed though. The good thing about being a higher weight is that it tends to come down quite fast when I make any changes at all. I'm weighing every day again for the time being so that I stay on track. No point in ignoring the problem.
As I mentioned, I'm taking some time for myself for a while. The weekend will be mostly focused on cleaning the house because our landlord is calling around Monday evening and she wants to inspect all the rooms. It's a pain in the ass to have to do it, but I'm just going to treat it like a job and get stuck in.
I have a gym class at 1pm today, dreading that, but then I'm going to have a rejuvenating shower and treat myself to lunch somewhere. I have to try to figure out my food for the week at some point as well.
That's all for today, back tomorrow. I might start tracking my food here again.
Cate
Long term member
with LaMa. What an excellent attitude Em.
Hope your week off restores your inner strength. Love & nurture yourself hon, xoxo
Thanks LaMa, having everything clean really does feel good.
Thanks Cate. I actually have one more week before the week off, but I can do it.
I'm taking a mini-break from the cleaning while I make my lunch for tomorrow. Have some salmon grilling in the (cleanish) oven, some quinoa boiling in a pot. I actually feel full of energy after my cleaning day. I have the brunt of it done, just a quick hoover and mopping left. I'm going home to the parents for the rest of the evening, having a detox bath and just chilling out. I went to yoga this morning as well, so I am feeling pretty pleased with my day.
Anyway, the stairs won't hoover itself, so better go.
Thanks Cate. I actually have one more week before the week off, but I can do it.
I'm taking a mini-break from the cleaning while I make my lunch for tomorrow. Have some salmon grilling in the (cleanish) oven, some quinoa boiling in a pot. I actually feel full of energy after my cleaning day. I have the brunt of it done, just a quick hoover and mopping left. I'm going home to the parents for the rest of the evening, having a detox bath and just chilling out. I went to yoga this morning as well, so I am feeling pretty pleased with my day.
Anyway, the stairs won't hoover itself, so better go.
Thanks guys.
I'm going to start tracking here again.
Food Diary:
Exercise:
This is an optional column, I just had something happen today that I'd like to talk about.
So, before and during spinning class, I felt quite sad. I just feel like a lot of the people in my life are moving on and leaving me behind. They're buying property, having kids, getting married, starting new relationships, and I just seem to be... stuck. I was thinking to myself that I haven't grown up, I'm not moving on with my life, and what have I really learned at this point? Then something happened this evening that really proved to me that I have grown, I have learned, and that I actually am an adult. Maybe I don't have all the 'badges' of adulthood to showcase to the world, but as a person, as a human being, I really am grown up. I've toughened up a lot, and I've also learned that being a grown up means having to do things you don't particularly want to do, but actually doing that stuff is good for you and halfway enjoyable when you allow it to be. I don't know, maybe I'm not as far along in the journey in some ways, but in other ways, I feel really proud of how I've turned out.
I also heard this song today when I had a shower after my spin class, and I got quite emotional when I heard the lyric, 'Nothing's going to change my world.' I just had this awful feeling that I will never move forward. But after tonight, I know that's silly, and that the person that is going to change my world is right here.
I'll leave you with the song:
I'm going to start tracking here again.
Food Diary:
- Breakfast: tablespoon apple cider vinegar and water; porridge, dried fruit, chia seeds, cinnamon, maca powder and milk; coffee and milk
- Snack #1: apple; green tea
- Lunch: salmon and quinoa salad with celery, cucumber, spinach, tomatoes and peppers; 2 slices wholemeal toast and butter
- mini roll; tea and milk
- Snack #2: 5 almonds
- yorkie rum and raisin bar; coffee and milk
- chicken stir fry with brown rice and vegetables
Exercise:
- Spinning
This is an optional column, I just had something happen today that I'd like to talk about.
So, before and during spinning class, I felt quite sad. I just feel like a lot of the people in my life are moving on and leaving me behind. They're buying property, having kids, getting married, starting new relationships, and I just seem to be... stuck. I was thinking to myself that I haven't grown up, I'm not moving on with my life, and what have I really learned at this point? Then something happened this evening that really proved to me that I have grown, I have learned, and that I actually am an adult. Maybe I don't have all the 'badges' of adulthood to showcase to the world, but as a person, as a human being, I really am grown up. I've toughened up a lot, and I've also learned that being a grown up means having to do things you don't particularly want to do, but actually doing that stuff is good for you and halfway enjoyable when you allow it to be. I don't know, maybe I'm not as far along in the journey in some ways, but in other ways, I feel really proud of how I've turned out.
I also heard this song today when I had a shower after my spin class, and I got quite emotional when I heard the lyric, 'Nothing's going to change my world.' I just had this awful feeling that I will never move forward. But after tonight, I know that's silly, and that the person that is going to change my world is right here.
I'll leave you with the song:
brawny77
New member
I knew I was growing up when I started liking getting clothes for Christmas lol. I'm sure that happens way earlier for girls.
Hang in there. Sometimes people who appear to have it all together and on top of the world really are just good at hiding how screwed up they really are
Hang in there. Sometimes people who appear to have it all together and on top of the world really are just good at hiding how screwed up they really are
Quoted for truth.
Haha, I love that.
Thanks LaMa.
Right, today...
Weight:
12 stone 0 1/4 pounds. Very sad about this. My goal weight to start with is 10 stone 13 3/4 pounds, so I have 14 1/2 pounds to lose. Boo.
Food Diary:
- B vitamin tablet (radioactive urine all day - I don't know if I believe these vitamins are actually good for you. Surely bright yellow pee can't be a good sign? Still, I'm using up the bottle.)
- porridge, sunflower and pumpkin seeds, whey protein, dried fruit, cinnamon and milk; 1 slice wholemeal toast and butter
- coffee and milk
- 5 almonds
- 3 oatcakes and 1/2 an avocado
- apple
- chicken salad with brown rice, avocado, courgette, spinach, tomatoes, peppers and soy sauce
- tea and milk
- coffee and mik; macaroon bar
- kinder nutella bar
- milky way bar
- whiting with slice of lemon, baby potatoes and mangetout
- lemon slice cake
Exercise:
- Pilates