Emily Rose: The Reboot
- Thread starter Emilyrose
- Start date
Thanks Rebel. I think I did handle it well.
Thank you LaMa and Cate.
So on the way home today, I completely crumbled and ate all the chocolate. I think being so strong yesterday took its fucking toll. I bought two bottles of wine in the shop, was planning on hibernating in my room for the evening, but alas, life has other plans for me and I am now going to see Lisa Hannigan tonight instead. So a win for the universe pulling me out of my wine cocoon.
Lisa is great, this is one of my favourites of hers at the moment:
Food for yesterday stayed on point, a breakdown:
So yes, today will not be as triumphant, but all is not lost yet. I'm going to have fun tonight with my friends listening to the soothing music and start again tomorrow. Thanks for the support guys.
Thank you LaMa and Cate.
So on the way home today, I completely crumbled and ate all the chocolate. I think being so strong yesterday took its fucking toll. I bought two bottles of wine in the shop, was planning on hibernating in my room for the evening, but alas, life has other plans for me and I am now going to see Lisa Hannigan tonight instead. So a win for the universe pulling me out of my wine cocoon.
Lisa is great, this is one of my favourites of hers at the moment:
Food for yesterday stayed on point, a breakdown:
- porridge, cinnamon, flaxseed, blueberries, full fat milk
- coffee and milk x2
- apple
- quinoa, avocado and red salmon with mixed salad; 1 slice brown wheat bread and butter; green tea
- fage yoghurt and 5 walnuts
- green tea
- chicken stir fry with kidney beans, veg and linguine
- peppermint tea
So yes, today will not be as triumphant, but all is not lost yet. I'm going to have fun tonight with my friends listening to the soothing music and start again tomorrow. Thanks for the support guys.
Thanks Cate.
I didn't have a great two eating days LaMa but I am jumping right back into my routine tomorrow.
Last night when I was walking home, this man walked home with me. He turned out to be a psychologist, claiming to be the smartest man I talked to all night. Anyway, he did an evaluation of me and said I was very lonely. It really hurt to hear that from a complete stranger. It's kind of thrown me a little bit today. There's a few things on in town that I wanted to go to, but now I don't really want to go to them by myself.
I woke up this morning and went down to the local cafe and had poached eggs and smoked salmon on an English muffin with hollandaise sauce and home fries for breakfast. It was tasty. Then I went back to bed. I have lots of friends hitting the town tonight but I want to go to the gym in the morning and I won't if I meet them. It's time to say no again. And forget about that man's comment. And realise maybe it's okay if I am lonely. I am okay.
I didn't have a great two eating days LaMa but I am jumping right back into my routine tomorrow.
Last night when I was walking home, this man walked home with me. He turned out to be a psychologist, claiming to be the smartest man I talked to all night. Anyway, he did an evaluation of me and said I was very lonely. It really hurt to hear that from a complete stranger. It's kind of thrown me a little bit today. There's a few things on in town that I wanted to go to, but now I don't really want to go to them by myself.
I woke up this morning and went down to the local cafe and had poached eggs and smoked salmon on an English muffin with hollandaise sauce and home fries for breakfast. It was tasty. Then I went back to bed. I have lots of friends hitting the town tonight but I want to go to the gym in the morning and I won't if I meet them. It's time to say no again. And forget about that man's comment. And realise maybe it's okay if I am lonely. I am okay.
Red flags abound. Legit psychologists don´t follow women around on the street, especially at night. And they don´t brag about their intellectual capacities. I can´t say for sure that he is no psychologist at all but he´s certainly not a safe person who is genuinely concerned about your well-being. Fuck him, you´re a cool person and you don´t need interfering, negative busybodies. Go do the things you´re interested in. You might meet people there who are interested in the same kind of stuff as you are, which would be cool!
Thanks guys. I discussed with a friend and she agreed with all of you and thought the man was completely inappropriate. Then we discussed how people trust this man to help them and it turns out he's a jerk with a God complex. It's sad.
Hi aloe, long way to go but I'm going!
Not a great day today but I'm cooking a healthy dinner now. I'm going to take a walk into town afterwards and get an early night. I was contemplating taking up a few new activities this week, but I've decided against taking on anything potentially stressful and instead, use that time for the gym/yoga/tennis. I only have a certain amount of energy to expend and I'm going to put all of it into living a healthy lifestyle and saying goodbye to bad habits and things that add nothing to my life. But that needs major focus, and new activities will just distract me and take up too much time.
I am going to be 10 stone 6 by Christmas, I know it.
Hi aloe, long way to go but I'm going!
Not a great day today but I'm cooking a healthy dinner now. I'm going to take a walk into town afterwards and get an early night. I was contemplating taking up a few new activities this week, but I've decided against taking on anything potentially stressful and instead, use that time for the gym/yoga/tennis. I only have a certain amount of energy to expend and I'm going to put all of it into living a healthy lifestyle and saying goodbye to bad habits and things that add nothing to my life. But that needs major focus, and new activities will just distract me and take up too much time.
I am going to be 10 stone 6 by Christmas, I know it.
Good work. It´s never too late to make a bad day better.
I think it´s very important to recognize how much energy you have to budget with. Once the healthy basics become habits more energy should be free to do other things. Just don´t forget to have fun along the way
Cate
Long term member
I was contemplating taking up a few new activities this week, but I've decided against taking on anything potentially stressful and instead, use that time for the gym/yoga/tennis. I only have a certain amount of energy to expend and I'm going to put all of it into living a healthy lifestyle and saying goodbye to bad habits and things that add nothing to my life. But that needs major focus, and new activities will just distract me and take up too much time.
Good thinking sweets xoxo
Good thinking sweets xoxo
Thanks for the comments guys.
So, sorry to bring down the tone with yet another misery post, but this is what life is throwing me at the moment. I've had a really exhausting, tough day.
I feel like I am holding on to an awful lot of pain and I need to find some way to release it. It's become overwhelming at the moment and it's sapping all my energy. I have got a lot better at dealing with my emotions, but the last few weeks have not been good for that, and it's taking the joy out of life. I can't let myself sink into the inertia again, it's not who I want to be anymore. My confidence has taken a giant beating today, and I'm just tired and sad.
Work was tough because my boss who screamed at me last week is apparently not happy that I didn't do work on brochures that she had asked me to do. I didn't have time, she didn't explain it to me very well, and it's completely new to me, so I don't feel one bit guilty about not having it done. I am just really aggrieved that this is what she is focusing her attention on, when I am a good worker, I've been training people in, and the main task I am working on is going well for the most part.
I felt underappreciated and fed up when I got that feedback today, so I talked to my direct manager and told her that the way the Boss had spoken to me last week was totally unacceptable and that I am not going to work to be somebody's punching bag. I think she understood what I was saying, maybe she's encountered that kind of behaviour herself, and she said she will help me on Thursday to come up with some kind of plan for the brochures.
At this point, I don't know how long more I will stay there, if relations with the Boss don't improve, I will just leave, because I am not putting myself through that kind of stress. I do not want to work in a place where they instill fear in their staff as 'motivators'. I am not going to put up with it and at this stage, I shouldn't have to. Everyone should be treated with respect, no matter what their position. I am not perfect but when I am at work, I make an effort to be kind to my colleagues and answer their questions and I just want that same respect shown to me. And it isn't being shown to me.
Another thing was that because of the above day in work, I was talking to my friend tonight, and I just couldn't keep it in anymore about the way I feel she has been treating me for months. She's kind of blocked me out of her life and it hurts. I realised from talking to her that maybe there is just no point in even bringing that up - maybe she just doesn't want to be friends anymore. I think it kind of goes back to showing people respect and anyway, I just decided that I needed to say what I had to say, even if I didn't get the reaction I wanted. I don't think I deserve the way I've been treated but at the same time, I have to accept that for whatever reason, I'm not as important to her these days, and move on from that. I kind of mentioned that maybe I'd leaned on her a bit too much in the past and she agreed. I guess I don't give up on people as easily as they give up on me. I don't know what that says about me. I just seem to be a very disposable friend to a lot of people. I guess I want friends that make me feel good about myself and that I can relax around. Maybe I am not that sort of friend myself, but this is how it is for me right now.
I don't really know what my next step is. I really think I need to make some changes - I don't really mean jobwise or anything, I mean intrinsically. I just can't keep dipping down like this when the going gets tough. I've been very strong for most of the year, but I'm getting a bit worn down. I want to just rise above it, say to myself 'It is what it is' and get back to pursuing my goals and living a happy, carefree existence. It seems a bit far away right now, but maybe the silver lining is yet to come.
So, sorry to bring down the tone with yet another misery post, but this is what life is throwing me at the moment. I've had a really exhausting, tough day.
I feel like I am holding on to an awful lot of pain and I need to find some way to release it. It's become overwhelming at the moment and it's sapping all my energy. I have got a lot better at dealing with my emotions, but the last few weeks have not been good for that, and it's taking the joy out of life. I can't let myself sink into the inertia again, it's not who I want to be anymore. My confidence has taken a giant beating today, and I'm just tired and sad.
Work was tough because my boss who screamed at me last week is apparently not happy that I didn't do work on brochures that she had asked me to do. I didn't have time, she didn't explain it to me very well, and it's completely new to me, so I don't feel one bit guilty about not having it done. I am just really aggrieved that this is what she is focusing her attention on, when I am a good worker, I've been training people in, and the main task I am working on is going well for the most part.
I felt underappreciated and fed up when I got that feedback today, so I talked to my direct manager and told her that the way the Boss had spoken to me last week was totally unacceptable and that I am not going to work to be somebody's punching bag. I think she understood what I was saying, maybe she's encountered that kind of behaviour herself, and she said she will help me on Thursday to come up with some kind of plan for the brochures.
At this point, I don't know how long more I will stay there, if relations with the Boss don't improve, I will just leave, because I am not putting myself through that kind of stress. I do not want to work in a place where they instill fear in their staff as 'motivators'. I am not going to put up with it and at this stage, I shouldn't have to. Everyone should be treated with respect, no matter what their position. I am not perfect but when I am at work, I make an effort to be kind to my colleagues and answer their questions and I just want that same respect shown to me. And it isn't being shown to me.
Another thing was that because of the above day in work, I was talking to my friend tonight, and I just couldn't keep it in anymore about the way I feel she has been treating me for months. She's kind of blocked me out of her life and it hurts. I realised from talking to her that maybe there is just no point in even bringing that up - maybe she just doesn't want to be friends anymore. I think it kind of goes back to showing people respect and anyway, I just decided that I needed to say what I had to say, even if I didn't get the reaction I wanted. I don't think I deserve the way I've been treated but at the same time, I have to accept that for whatever reason, I'm not as important to her these days, and move on from that. I kind of mentioned that maybe I'd leaned on her a bit too much in the past and she agreed. I guess I don't give up on people as easily as they give up on me. I don't know what that says about me. I just seem to be a very disposable friend to a lot of people. I guess I want friends that make me feel good about myself and that I can relax around. Maybe I am not that sort of friend myself, but this is how it is for me right now.
I don't really know what my next step is. I really think I need to make some changes - I don't really mean jobwise or anything, I mean intrinsically. I just can't keep dipping down like this when the going gets tough. I've been very strong for most of the year, but I'm getting a bit worn down. I want to just rise above it, say to myself 'It is what it is' and get back to pursuing my goals and living a happy, carefree existence. It seems a bit far away right now, but maybe the silver lining is yet to come.
If you can´t be real in your own diary, where can you?
Had this when I first started working at my current job. In my case it got better but if it hadn´t I would not have been able to cope. It was, however, my trigger to start therapy and as much as I hate it I think that was an excellent decision.
Maybe that really is the only problem, though? I have (had) friends who have this tendency and while they´re lovely people they scare away people who have trouble saying no very clearly and consistently and will often believe anyone who does say no before it gets too much isn´t a real friend. Usually it´s just a matter of being a bit lonely, not really knowing how to solve that problem for themselves and holding on to any possible relief too tightly. Not saying that IS what you do, because I don´t know you, but it could be an explanation if you say this has been a bit of a pattern for you.
Yeah LaMa, I don't know what to think.
I'm very upset by the whole thing. I'm trying to think of all the good stuff in my life, but this has kind of rocked me to the core. It's brought back a lot of feelings from school and on work placement when I was ostracised and ignored, and once again I find myself in a situation like this again. I'm very very upset. Topped by the fact that I have to go into work now where there is no hiding away. When people treat you like you're nothing, you start to believe it.
I'm very upset by the whole thing. I'm trying to think of all the good stuff in my life, but this has kind of rocked me to the core. It's brought back a lot of feelings from school and on work placement when I was ostracised and ignored, and once again I find myself in a situation like this again. I'm very very upset. Topped by the fact that I have to go into work now where there is no hiding away. When people treat you like you're nothing, you start to believe it.
Thank you Cate.
Hugs are always welcome LaMa.
Well, the sun has come out again. I actually think what's happened with my friend could be the best thing that ever happened to me in a strange way. I think I've thought that by acting in a certain way, looking a certain way, being a certain type of person, I could guarantee that everyone would always be nice to me and that everyone would always want to be my friend. This incident has made me realise that it just doesn't work like that. I am never going to be a perfect human, and if people don't like me for whatever reason, I don't have to bend over backwards to try to win them back, because - guess what - I don't need them. I only need the people in my life who need me. And those people may change, and that's okay too. It doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with me. It's just the way it goes.
I think I came to this realisation because I have tried my absolute best to be kind to this friend, to include this friend, to be there for this friend, to give this friend space, and you know what - none of it worked. None of it made her want to spend any more time with me. She only moved further and further away. And of course I'm a little bit sad about that - I was really sad on Wednesday and for most of Thursday - but now, I'm okay with it. I am just being me, and me is all I can be, and that might be amazing for some and not so great for others. It's taken me a long time for this to click, but it's clicking.
A number of other things helped to get over what happened with my friend.
- A girl I work with sent me a few text messages on Wednesday and we had a laugh. She's never texted me before, so already here's a potential new friend and someone who wants to get to know me.
- Another friend met me last night, and she listened, and she was very kind and considerate, and she had some great advice.
- I met a man out and he told me I was beautiful, then we walked around and went for a coffee together. I don't really think I'm interested, but it was nice.
- At work yesterday, I was feeling very, very low, close to tears, and I went for a cigarette, and this guy Tony that I always see out there happened to go outside for a smoke as well, and we had a lovely chat and introduced ourselves, and I felt all happy.
- My direct manager met with me today about the brochures, she was very helpful and kind and said that I was well able, and I'm even feeling enthusiastic about them now, as it's a creative and fun task.
So, look at all the people out there that are nice to me and willing to help me, wanting to share a joke or give me some support. Of course, I have to find my self-worth from within rather than looking outside of myself always, but at the same time, how the world treats you is a reflection of the person that you are, and I would much prefer a world where I have an easy life and people are kind to me than any other way.
Anyway, I think I will be okay now. I feel this could be the making of me.
Hugs are always welcome LaMa.
Well, the sun has come out again. I actually think what's happened with my friend could be the best thing that ever happened to me in a strange way. I think I've thought that by acting in a certain way, looking a certain way, being a certain type of person, I could guarantee that everyone would always be nice to me and that everyone would always want to be my friend. This incident has made me realise that it just doesn't work like that. I am never going to be a perfect human, and if people don't like me for whatever reason, I don't have to bend over backwards to try to win them back, because - guess what - I don't need them. I only need the people in my life who need me. And those people may change, and that's okay too. It doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with me. It's just the way it goes.
I think I came to this realisation because I have tried my absolute best to be kind to this friend, to include this friend, to be there for this friend, to give this friend space, and you know what - none of it worked. None of it made her want to spend any more time with me. She only moved further and further away. And of course I'm a little bit sad about that - I was really sad on Wednesday and for most of Thursday - but now, I'm okay with it. I am just being me, and me is all I can be, and that might be amazing for some and not so great for others. It's taken me a long time for this to click, but it's clicking.
A number of other things helped to get over what happened with my friend.
- A girl I work with sent me a few text messages on Wednesday and we had a laugh. She's never texted me before, so already here's a potential new friend and someone who wants to get to know me.
- Another friend met me last night, and she listened, and she was very kind and considerate, and she had some great advice.
- I met a man out and he told me I was beautiful, then we walked around and went for a coffee together. I don't really think I'm interested, but it was nice.
- At work yesterday, I was feeling very, very low, close to tears, and I went for a cigarette, and this guy Tony that I always see out there happened to go outside for a smoke as well, and we had a lovely chat and introduced ourselves, and I felt all happy.
- My direct manager met with me today about the brochures, she was very helpful and kind and said that I was well able, and I'm even feeling enthusiastic about them now, as it's a creative and fun task.
So, look at all the people out there that are nice to me and willing to help me, wanting to share a joke or give me some support. Of course, I have to find my self-worth from within rather than looking outside of myself always, but at the same time, how the world treats you is a reflection of the person that you are, and I would much prefer a world where I have an easy life and people are kind to me than any other way.
Anyway, I think I will be okay now. I feel this could be the making of me.
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