Emily Rose: The Reboot

Thank you Cate, you are so sweet.

Hi Sunflower. No feedback, I just know I didn't sell myself at all in the interview. It was a trainwreck. Anyhoo, onwards and upwards I guess. I am kind of imagining what alternate Emily who actually got the job is up to though. My mum was saying you will look back and see why it had to happen this way in a few years and it will all make sense. She's after getting obsessed with Steve Jobs and he has a great interview about how a calligraphy course he did inspired him for the various fonts available on the Mac. I guess the thing about this particular job is that I have gone through the process of nearly getting it twice this year, which is a lot. If I never made it past the first round on my first application, it would nearly have been better, as I wouldn't have been so invested and half imagining a different life for myself. But anyway. Bygones.

Today was better. I actually had a good day in work and I completed my race challenge tonight. 15 runs in 15 weeks. I am proud of myself. I really am.

I'm going for a swim tomorrow night and having a social weekend - meeting one set of friends on Friday night and then a different set on Saturday. I think going back to what Sunflower was saying, I am very lucky that I have these friends in my life, these people that ask me to meet up with them and want me around. That is more than what some people get. And sure, I don't have everything I want or even need right now, but it's enough.

And on that note, I will leave you with this:

 
Emilyrose said:
And on that note, I will leave you with this:
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Many a new day will shine Em xoxo
 
Thanks Cate.

I haven't really got back on track yet. I must do some food shopping in a while and get my meals planned for the week. I have so much tidying to do, might try to do a bit of that today as well. I had a good sleep and I'm looking forward to getting back focused for the week.
 
Not back focused yet but I will be tomorrow. I'm playing tennis with friends and will go for a swim after. I adore the pool.

Work was very busy today as usual. I had a nice weekend but I am drinking way too much. I am taking a few weeks off. I am away with my parents next weekend so I will definitely get a good break from it now. I have to do a favour for Mum on Wednesday, have tennis and maybe a swim on Thursday again and Friday night I will go home. There will be no moping about and no chance to booze. So that's good.
 
A couple of weeks off booze have never hurt anyone except people so addicted they get alcohol withdrawal syndrome. Go you!
 
It sounds good to me too Cate.

I don't think I'm at alcohol withdrawal syndrome level quite yet LaMa, so I'll be okay. ;)

I am seeing a nutritionist on Monday, I'm really looking forward to it. I hope she will be able to help me to sort my diet out. I'm going to be completely honest with her and try my best to follow all her guidelines. Worth a shot anyway I think!
 
Oh God, I hope so.

Thanks Cate, I'm sure I will.

Things are a bit strange with me at the moment. At the weekend, I met a friend who said I was looking great (translation: thin) and then at tennis on Tuesday, another lady who I haven't seen in a few months said I was looking very fit. But then I weighed myself Wednesday morning and I was nearly 12 stone! That is not good.

I have been eating a lot lately, there is definitely something bothering me. I'm half thinking of moving home until after Christmas. I'd need to make that decision in the next few days. I'm finding my living situation really stressful. I also think being at home would keep me away from booze and smoking and all the rest of it. But on the other hand, I don't want to give up my freedom. I'll decide at the weekend.
 
That´s a major decision for sure. I´m sure you´ll make the right decision, just as I´m sure neither is perfect. I say trust the people who say you look great and maybe put it on being fitter/having a bit more muscle mass? Weight isn´t everything and certainly isn´t the only influence on how healthy/fit/awesome you look.
 
Emilyrose said:
I am seeing a nutritionist on Monday, I'm really looking forward to it. I hope she will be able to help me to sort my diet out.
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I'm having mixed feelings about the one im seeing but it's still a positive experience. Just treat them like would a therapist. Don't hold back what you want to say.
 
Hi LaMa. Yeah, I've decided moving home was a silly idea. I had a nice weekend with my parents but I'm really past the stage of wanting to be back home again.

Thanks Rebel. I'm meeting her bright and early tomorrow at 7:30 am. I have decided to look at it as the start of a new chapter and really give it a chance.

I had a nice weekend but I went out on Friday night, which zapped my energy a bit, so I probably wasn't as pleasant to be around as at other times. Also, my mother seriously got on my nerves. I guess that's what mothers do.

On Friday night, this cute guy tried to chat me up and then eventually walked away, with a parting remark of, 'You're too pretty to be so negative.' Whoops. To be honest, I wasn't in the best mood on Friday night, but his comment got the wheels turning a little bit. What I'm taking from it is that I have too much going for me to be so caught up in this cycle of self-punishment. I mean, that guy could have been the love of my life and I'm pushing him away because of my own insecurities, not feeling ready, not feeling in control, etc etc. How many more opportunities am I going to throw down the toilet?

I also found the good-looking guy from a few months back through the power of Google search, and I think we could be a really good match, based on his interests and other information I learned about him, and I just didn't think I was good enough for him. What a silly, stupid attitude to have. I mean, I really want to be in a relationship, but I'm not doing anything to help me get to a place where I would be able to accept that someone is interested in me. Basically, I would not date myself, and I want to be able to say, 'Yeah, I'm not perfect, but I am trying my best, I am content with life, and I would make a great girlfriend for someone.' I would never want to inflict my 'negativity' on someone, and clearly, once they spend some time with me, these potential guys can see all that self-doubt permeate through, and they run a country mile. So I'm really going to have to start doing things the way I imagine in my head that I can do them. I don't want to be obsessing over food and my body and how many cigarettes I smoked that day, and how many drinks I had at the weekend, and the toll this is taking on my looks any more. My looks can't be the only card I have to play, but living a healthy life is something I need for my confidence to grow and for me to start feeling content and that is the only way I'll ever be able to let someone else in.

I am lonely and I see my friends, some of who were single for a long time, moving on and I just don't want to be left behind anymore. I want my own thing going on. And I think I deserve it.

It's been a tough and interesting year, but it's time to take all the lessons I've learned, all the progress I've made, all the setbacks I've experienced, and push forward into living a life I can be truly happy with. And hopefully I will meet the man who will be truly happy with me.
 
What an insight Em. I think you should print this up & carry it with you & read it every day. It's time to start thinking that you are good enough & pretty enough. See a therapist if you need some help hon. Make sure you write everything down before you do, as once I was there I was inclined to say very little, but I read from my notes & got it all out. It was SO good for me & I am glad I did.
Sending you lots and lots of love & a great big hug :grouphug: xoxo Cate
 
Also try to internalize the beginning of that comment: you ARE pretty. Not maybe when you lose those couple of pounds but right now. Good luck with the nutritionist!
 
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Hi Cate. I am very reluctant to go to a therapist, but if I don't start making some serious inroads by the end of the year, I will look into it for January. That's a promise.

Thanks LaMa.

Right - I'm back quite soon again because I just wanted to update you on the nutritionist. She weighed me and all that, I will post my stats below. She also told me I looked great - haha, I am definitely living in some kind of Twilight Zone at the moment. But if the nutritionist is saying it, it really must be true. :) Anyway, it was all very encouraging.

To be honest, anything she said about diet I kind of already know and put into practice when I get organized and into a good routine. But I haven't been in that routine in months. She wants me to keep a food diary - just knowing that someone will be reading it and checking my stats again in a few weeks time should really help. I think I set up this meeting just in the nick of time, because my weight has gone up quite a bit in the last few months. This should at the very least stop me from gaining any more. It would be really sad for me to have to lose a lot of weight again - once was enough for that.

Weight: 11 stone 13
Fat %: 36.6
Metabolic age: 46
Visceral fat rating: 5
BMI: 25
BMR: 1478 kcal

I am aiming for a fat range between 21.0 - 32.9%. So obviously the upper range of that scale initially.

According to the scales, my ideal weight is 10 st 6.8 lbs. That's really not that far from where I am now. 1 and a half stone. Completely doable.

My muscle mass is fine. She said she would like my visceral fat rating to go down to 3, but where it is at the moment is okay. Obviously, I want my metabolic age to be closer to my actual age also.

So anyway, those are the stats. I will also go back to keeping my food diary on here, starting tomorrow, because I don't have any meals organized today. I'm really looking forward to this - I'm going to put all my energy into it and hopefully reap the rewards.
 
Thanks a million LaMa.

Well. What a day. Before I get into it, I will go through my food for yesterday. I didn't eat chocolate. God, I wanted to. But I didn't.

Mon 12th Sep - Day 1
  • porridge, cinnamon, blueberries, full fat milk
  • supreme matcha green tea
  • apple; coffee and milk
  • potato and lentil soup; slice of white vienna bread and small tin red salmon; tea and milk
  • 5 walnuts; coffee and milk
  • chicken stir fry with veg and linguine
Exercise: Tennis and a swim afterwards
Cigarettes: 8. (Yes, still smoking. The nutritionist said that after a while, I won't even want to smoke anymore if I stick to my new lifestyle, because they don't really go hand in hand. Let's see.)

So, today. Well. There were 2 incidents of note.

The first was that my overall boss started shouting at me this morning when I asked her how she wanted me to deal with an email that she had forwarded on to me with very vague instructions. She shouted that she had passed it on to me so that she wouldn't have to deal with it(!). She was extremely irate and I felt her attitude towards me was completely uncalled for. It was upsetting.

In work in the canteen, there were loads of sweets and chocolate (those kinder bueno bites - magic) that someone had brought back from holiday AND it was also someone's birthday, so they got him birthday cupcakes. In the past, I would have used the incident with my boss as an excuse to power into the cupcakes and chocolate. 'Oh, I've had a shitty morning, my boss was mean to me, I deserve this.' I nearly did. But something stopped me. Something said, 'Eating all those cupcakes won't make your boss magically disappear.' So I ignored the cupcakes, had my yoghurt and walnuts, and went about my day.

The second thing was that a friend who has been extremely off with me for months texted me this morning asking me to go to something this evening. In the past, I would have abandoned whatever I had planned for the evening to go with her and get things back on track. And you know what? I said no. I want to go to yoga tonight, and that's what I'm going to do. I'm not going to pander to other people anymore and go along with things when they really don't suit me. It feels good to say no. I was also asked to go out for lunch today for that guy's birthday, and I also said no, because I wanted to eat the healthy lunch I'd prepared.

Anyway, I'm very proud of myself today.
 
Emilyrose said:
Anyway, I'm very proud of myself today.
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Yes! You should be. You did an amazing job there.
 
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