Emily Rose: The Reboot

[Cate]

Oh, Em Take it from me, drowning your sorrows or numbing your feelings with alcohol never works long-term. You have it in you to improve your life. I know you do!
Tennis, swimming, writing plays......Throw yourself into these things that will make you feel better about yourself. The academy needs you!
Imagine buying your own small place. Instead of buying cigarettes or wine try putting that money into a special bank account.......Try it for one day, then one week, then a month..... That doesn't mean that you have to stop having any alcohol altogether but that money will accumulate. Don't use it for anything else.

 

[alligatorob]

Weight: 169

Still in the 170s, be happy about that girl!!

Ugh. Last night, I veered into 'let's watch the world burn' mode and bought even more alcohol to drink on top of the wine I'd already had! Luckily, I am still alive but I have been suffering for that decision today. I bought a can of gin and tonic, another mini bottle of white wine, and then I had two double whiskeys with orange juice to cap it off! I was just able to drink and drink and drink. It's scary. That is my new compulsion I am afraid, instead of food. I also smoked the whole box of 20 cigarettes.

All more or less equally bad compulsions. I know you have a challenge to deal with. Have you ever considered AA? I know it works for some folks.

I am not loving myself!!

That is something to work on, you know lots of folks here love you, I do. You are a very loveable lady!

Anyway, it's a new day and I hope I've got whatever that was out of my system.

Yes it is a new day, and hopefully a better one. But I am sure you know it will take more than hope to get "whatever that was out of your system", long run anyway. However hope will help, we all need it.

Hang in there girl, lots of people here rooting for you.

 

[Marsia]

I find that if I try to turn a bad habit around I sometimes overdo it in the opposite direction because something in me feels like a coping mechanism is being taken away and it goes on the offensive. I wonder if that could be happening with you. It feels like maybe you are fighting yourself, whatever is happening. I wonder if you wrote out what that part that likes all the alcohol is trying to do if that would help? Anyway, I think a lot of people say that they aren't going to do x anymore, and the next day, they do x in spades, and I think it's because of something like what I am describing. I hope you can get some nice peace and quiet in your house and feel like you have somewhere where you can unwind and destress.

 

[liza3]

can't wait to get a good night's sleep and wake up tomorrow fresh and excited about my big match tomorrow evening. I really hope I can win it.

Hope you slept well and feel good and ready for the match!

There was a bit of strife in the house because my housemate's boyfriend has been in the house 5 days in a row and I just snapped. It's just not giving me space to breathe. Anyway, I told her it really wasn't fair. I didn't go about it in the best way, but at the same time, it's obviously been brewing and I feel better for having offloaded my true feelings about it. We're still talking, I hope. It wouldn't be so bad if they were the type of couple to go out and do things together, but they are literally in the house all day and night and neither are working at the moment. So it's just too much. Sigh.

I hope that all settles out ok. i can imagine adding in a whole person that is staying in the house all the time could certainly add some tension. It's hard when things get to the point of snapping. In one of my shared house situations we had regular house meetings where things could get talked out. There could still be some tension but I think it helped cutting back on getting to the snapping point...

 

[Emilyrose]

The academy needs you!

- I laughed at this Cate. Thank you.

Yes it is a new day, and hopefully a better one. But I am sure you know it will take more than hope to get "whatever that was out of your system", long run anyway. However hope will help, we all need it.

- Oh, this comment stung a little Rob. I liked this one better:

That is something to work on, you know lots of folks here love you, I do. You are a very loveable lady!

- I'm in a constant mental battle Marsia, which is why I need so many naps and I get so agitated and out of sorts so easily. It's very tiring. The reason for the alcohol is to numb. That's it. A sedative for the brain. I've read a lot of Annie Grace's stuff and watched some of her vids. We have a similar problem. She was very successful and 'normal' but she was drinking a bottle of wine a day. Hearing about her story gives me comfort.
- Yeah, I really didn't mean to get cross about it Liza, but I think drinking gallons of alcohol the night before didn't help...

It's difficult for me now doing this 'full disclosure' thing because I feel very exposed. It's not a nice feeling. But I'm going to continue to be honest, even though I am carrying a huge amount of shame around with me. I get flushed very easily and I think that is one of the reasons for it. Anyway, I'm sticking to my guns here and I will keep sharing openly. Just try to be kind in the comments, please. I am judging myself far more harshly than you ever could, believe me.

Exercise: Round of 32 tennis match singles. I won!! My opponent didn't play very well, so it's hard to judge my form, but I won 6-2, 6-1, my best win over anyone ever. I felt good out there. The running in the last week or so is really standing to me. Imagine if I kept it up! I'd be unstoppable! But yeah, it was great.

Food:
Mid-morning: apple; coffee and milk; coffee and milk
Lunch: egg salad sandwich; yorkie bar 46 g; can of 7up free
Mid-afternoon: coffee and oat milk
Evening: chocolate caramel fulfill protein bar 55 g; bottle of sports lucozade; bottle of heineken zero
Night: 1 slice toast with butter, ham and coleslaw; bottle of white wine 11%

My schedule is kind of hectic at the moment but I really want to try to cook something tomorrow before I head off for more tennis.

Cigs yesterday were 15. Not sure on today yet.

Weight: 171.5; BF 39.4%; BMI 26.1

Anyway, finally another win for the Emily Rose Tennis Academy. I have two matches tomorrow, I am my biggest champion and my biggest saboteur. I should not be drinking wine. But fingers crossed, I stop at the one bottle tonight. At least I get to sleep in tomorrow. Still a lot of shit to figure out in my head. But I'm still standing.

 

[Cate]

Oh, Em. I have to head to golf!
I'll come back tonight xoxo

 

[alligatorob]

It's difficult for me now doing this 'full disclosure' thing because I feel very exposed. It's not a nice feeling. But I'm going to continue to be honest, even though I am carrying a huge amount of shame around with me. I get flushed very easily and I think that is one of the reasons for it. Anyway, I'm sticking to my guns here and I will keep sharing openly. Just try to be kind in the comments, please. I am judging myself far more harshly than you ever could, believe me.

Full disclosure is good, but shame is not. I can't believe you have much to be ashamed of... I see a good lady there, I do. So unless you have fooled us all and are a serial killer or something I hope you can see that too. You have a lot to be proud of girl!

 

[Cate]

Hi, Em. I'm back from my game of golf now & I feel so much better for playing. I love that you are playing tennis again. I also love that you are being open & honest with us. It does make you feel vulnerable & I think a lot of people are judgy about anyone drinking alcohol. I am not one of them. I am sharing a bottle of Sparkling burgundy with my lovely husband after a good golf day (mine anyway ).
Em, I honestly don't know how I would be if I were on my own. I know that I am really lucky & I am very grateful. I'm happy & love my husband. I can't imagine being with anyone that I could love more. Would I drown my sorrows with wine if I didn't have G? Maybe. I think I have that tendency & I also think we inherit a lot of genetic traits from our parents. My Dad was probably an alcoholic. He certainly had a problem with it. I don't look back & judge him. He did the best he could under very trying circumstances.
I love wine & I love how one or 2 glasses of bubbly make me feel. I won't apologise to anyone for that. If we got together we might have to be careful
Great news about your big win at tennis. I did tell you the academy needs you! I'm glad I made you laugh. My job is done xoxo

 

[Marsia]

You are being really brave recording everything so you can get a good handle on it. This is just another craving like we all have. The only difference between sugar cravings and alcohol is a little fermentation. I struggle with anesthetizing with food in the exact same way as someone who struggles with alcohol, so no judgement here. Please don't listen to any negative thoughts that let you believe you should feel shame. (My motto about these things is taken from Buddhist psychology - I try to remember to only believe the thoughts that are both true and helpful.) You are in the good fight where you can figure yourself out more by looking at the underlying thoughts and feelings that another part of you wants to numb. It can also be hard to make friends with the parts of ourselves that are using defense mechanisms like drinking so they don't feel overwhelmed, but those parts are trying to help in their own way, even if that way does not work for you in the long run. I think the more you can dialog with both of those parts (the part with the feelings that are overwelming and the part that tries to numb), the more you can see what they really want. It really helps for the parts of yourself that are struggling to be heard, plus when you know what they want, you can figure out little baby steps toward getting your underlying needs met. Ugh, this is impossible to talk about clearly in a little paragraph, but hopefully I am making some sense and this doesn't sound like abstract mumbo jumbo. Glad you are getting out and doing tennis and running, too!! Hugs and more hugs!

 

[liza3]

No judgements here--I always really admire your strength and abilities. I take meds so I don't feel the same need to drink and smoke these days as it sort of does a similar thing--so I am no person to judge you using those to help you along in life a little. But yeah I get it how the wine can backfire a bit--I've had plenty of those times as well!
Way to go on the win!!
What a great start to the weekend. Best of luck for the matches today!

 

[Emilyrose]

- Aw, thanks Cate. It's hard to be honest but I think it is doing me good.
- Thanks Rob. No, I am not a serial killer, haha.
- I loved your post Marsia, thank you for taking the time to write that.
- Thanks Liza, the win was nice.

Last night, I had two double whiskeys with orange cordial and water on top of the wine. I smoked 25 cigarettes. Eek.

I had two matches today. It was a very long day. I almost won the first one and played great. I sweated all the alcohol out of me, that's for sure! If I hadn't drank last night, maybe I would have won. But anyway. The second one I didn't play as well and we lost but they were nice. The best part of the day was that I thought I looked decent in my tennis clothes. The weight loss is quite noticeable to me at times. So that was cool.

Exercise: 1 singles match, 1 doubles match in tennis. My legs are sore. It was a great workout. I'll sleep tonight. And I actually get a lie-in tomorrow without alcohol in my system, which is so badly needed! Looking forward to having a super snooze.

Food:
Breakfast: 1 small roll with ketchup, 1 sausage, 1 hash brown, 1 rasher; rest of the lucozade sport
Lunch: chicken salad sandwich; can of lucozade
Mid-afternoon: Lucozade sport drink
Evening: bowl of tomato soup; 2 slices toast with butter and cheese; milk from the carton

I'm going to bed hungry which might spell good news for the scales in the morning.

Will update the cigs tomorrow.

Weight: 169.6; BF 39.3%; BMI 25.8

I am super tired now. The plan for tomorrow is to have that nice lie-in, go for a run and then go home to watch the Wimbledon final. It should be a cracker.

 

[size32someday]

your calories seem low. you didn't eat much. glad your cloths are fitting better and you are looking good.

 

[Cate]

I am super tired now. The plan for tomorrow is to have that nice lie-in, go for a run and then go home to watch the Wimbledon final. It should be a cracker.

That all sounds good, Em. I hope tomorrow is a lovely day xo
Edit: I almost forgot!
After hearing a fire alarm: "Hey, is that coming from your lungs?"

 

[Marsia]

Congrats on looking good in your tennis outfit and on making it down to the 160s! I haven't been there in years - say hi to them for me. I hope you thoroughly enjoy your well deserved rest. I'm glad my reply made sense!

 

[liza3]

Sounds like a really great day. Looking good in your tennis clothes, playing well and getting such a great amount of exercise in.
Hope you enjoy a nice lie-in and have a good morning run!

 

[Emilyrose]

- Yeah, I actually didn't have time to eat more Andrew! I was rushing around all day to get to tennis matches. No time for munching!
- Haha, that is brilliant, Cate.
- It made perfect sense Marsia, thank you.
- Thanks Liza.

Boy, am I tired today. My muscles are very sore. The singles match yesterday was tough going.

Exercise: I still got up and did my little run though, so that felt good.

Food:
Breakfast: cappuccino; chocolate croissant
Mid-morning: cappuccino
Dinner: turkey curry stir-fry with rice
Snacks: cornetto; 1 chocolate digestive biscuit; coffee and milk; 1 small yellow snack
Evening: 5 sushi salmon and avocado rolls; 2 chocolate brownies; tea and milk

Lots of sugar today but that's because my energy reserves are in the gutter. I had a good sleep though and I should be a lot fresher tomorrow.

Cigs yesterday were 14. I will update cigs for today tomorrow.

Weight: 170.9; BF 39.3%; BMI 26

I have to say, I am looking really well. This is the best my body has looked in years. I know this because random men I am meeting on the street or in shops keep saying hi to me the last few days when I am in my tennis gear or my running shorts and t-shirt this morning. Yes, I know I shouldn't be looking for external validation, blah blah, but I am still a human being after all. Anyway, it's really encouraging me to keep up the exercise and stay off the booze. Whatever bloody works at this point.

Tomorrow I will try to get up for a run again before work and I'm considering going to that meditation thing tomorrow night, although I am fearful that I might cry my way through it. We'll see how work goes.

 

[alligatorob]

Lots of sugar today but that's because my energy reserves are in the gutter.

I thought your food looked pretty good, and I see no wine!

I have to say, I am looking really well. This is the best my body has looked in years.

I am sure you look good, I suspect you always do.

I know this because random men I am meeting on the street or in shops keep saying hi to me the last few days when I am in my tennis gear or my running shorts and t-shirt this morning.

Is it true that men are more likely to say hi or acknowledge young or attractive women? I say hi to lots of people, and have paid a bit of attention to what makes me do it. I am more likely to acknowledge strangers if they have a smile than anything else, and maybe those who seem to be looking my way. Age, sex, or looks other than the smile have little to do with it, I think. In your case it probably has more to do with you feeling happy about yourself, and showing it, than what you look like. Hmmm... maybe that is what looking good is?

Have noticed people are more likely to wave or acknowledge me when I am on a tractor... not sure what to do with that one.

Yes, I know I shouldn't be looking for external validation, blah blah, but I am still a human being after all.

Nothing wrong with that, I always feel better when people somehow greet or acknowledge me.

Anyway, it's really encouraging me to keep up the exercise and stay off the booze. Whatever bloody works at this point.

Absolutely! That its working is a lot more important than what or why...

 

[Cate]

I have to say, I am looking really well. This is the best my body has looked in years. I know this because random men I am meeting on the street or in shops keep saying hi to me the last few days when I am in my tennis gear or my running shorts and t-shirt this morning. Yes, I know I shouldn't be looking for external validation, blah blah, but I am still a human being after all. Anyway, it's really encouraging me to keep up the exercise and stay off the booze. Whatever bloody works at this point.

This made me smile
Tennis & a run? Well done!
When you smoke, your body requires almost twice as much caffeine as when you don’t smoke. According to "a study", the caffeine levels in nonsmokers lasted for 6 hours while the levels in smokers only lasted for 3.5 hours.

 

[MsBubbles]

For the emotional struggles, EmilyRose. Wishing you peace during those times! And the rest of the time too!

 

[Emilyrose]

Have noticed people are more likely to wave or acknowledge me when I am on a tractor... not sure what to do with that one.

- There must be something about men and heavy machinery Rob!
- Thanks Cate. That's an interesting one about the caffeine, I never heard that before.
- Thank you so much MsBubbles.

Today was fine but I deliberately have nothing on tonight and I'm feeling that old anxious feeling. Craving alcohol. Craving something to fill the hole inside of me. I'm too busy at work tomorrow, otherwise I would probably crack. Not tonight demon!

Exercise: I've taken the night off. Muscles still sore from the weekend. I need a rest.

Food:
Breakfast: natural yoghurt with 'protein' nuts; orange juice; kiwi
Mid-morning: 2 coffees, 1 with oat milk, 1 with normal; 1 small chocolate bar
Lunch: sweet chilli chicken wrap; 70 g tub of pringles salt and vinegar
Mid-afternoon: tea and milk
Dinner: breaded cod with chorizo, potatoes, roasted onion, peppers and courgette with boiled sugar snap peas, broccoli and asparagus
Night: tea and milk; 2 chocolate brownies

That's a really great eating day for me. Loads of vegetables, some nuts and fruit. I'm going to try to cut out the lunchtime treat and maybe allow myself dessert in the evenings. I always need something sweet. I have lunch prepped for tomorrow and the dinner I had today cooked, which I'll just eat cold tomorrow. Not so appetising but at least it will be nutritious.

Weight: 168.6; BF 39.3%; BMI 25.7

That's a good weigh-in.

Cigs: 13 yesterday, the aim is 12 today.

I feel really tired now and a bit low but I am going to finish watching The Batman and just go to sleep. I hope tomorrow goes well.