Emily Rose: The Reboot

I hope you got some sleep after all that--were you up all night and still awake at 5am?
Sorry to hear you are feeling the despair. I am glad you were able to enjoy the morning run at least. You have so much going for you in your life that is so strong and positive, but I do get it when the emotions just don't seem to get it. For me, I used to get a lot of very bad depression that seemed to switch more to anxiety. For me it felt necessary to go on meds finally, but I know it's not for everyone and I know with me it really took hitting the rockiest of bottoms before I went for it myself.
Sending hugs :grouphug:
 
- Thanks for your lovely, thoughtful post Marsia. This place keeps me going.
- Hi Liza, yeah, I got home late and just didn't go to bed for a while. My mind was very active. Thanks for the hugs.

Today was better. I woke up really early though and didn't get back to sleep till the afternoon but at least I got a couple of hours then and I feel more or less normal again.

Exercise: I went for an interval run this evening in a lovely place where I live. It's by the sea and there's loads of boats in the harbour and it was very soothing. Plus it was a beautiful evening. I'm proud I managed it after all the drink I had yesterday!

Food:
Breakfast: glass of milk
Lunch: hot chicken roll with butter, coleslaw, lettuce and cheese; can of lucozade
Mid-afternoon: freshly squeezed orange juice; milka white bubbly bar 95 g
Evening: can of 7up

Not much mind for more food than that today but I didn't move much, except for the run. Not hungry for more really. It was probably still a lot of calories between the roll and the chocolate and drinks. Food should be back on track a bit more tomorrow.

Weight: 170.3; BF 39.7%; BMI 25.9

Cigs: 10
I'm trying to stay off them again tomorrow. I know that continuing to smoke is compounding this unhappy feeling.

I don't feel as much on edge as I did last night and I have a busy enough week again with tennis, so I'll keep plodding on. What choice do I have?
 
I am trying something different today, Em. The 50 reasons not to smoke are too depressing so I'm making up something each day for a while, plus I am going to let you know the sayings that drive me doolally (it was in a book I read recently). Doolally- what a great word. Please don't tease me with them too often xoxo
From the get-go, instead of start. Why use one word when you can use four?
Reason to stop smoking- you will smell nicer.
It saddens me to think that you are despairing. There is hope, Em. I will hold your hope for you for a little while & send you little pieces of it whenever I can. I'm glad you find yourself in a safe & supportive place here :grouphug:
 
Emilyrose said:
Cigs: 10
I'm trying to stay off them again tomorrow. I know that continuing to smoke is compounding this unhappy feeling.
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Good for you with just 10 and best of luck for a day of 0!
I would say one of the biggest reasons for quitting smoking is just that feeling of freedom....that and the money...
Emilyrose said:
Exercise: I went for an interval run this evening in a lovely place where I live. It's by the sea and there's loads of boats in the harbour and it was very soothing. Plus it was a beautiful evening. I'm proud I managed it after all the drink I had yesterday!
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Sounds beautiful!
 
- Thanks Rob. It stayed there today.
- Aw, thank you Cate. I prefer the ones you make up for sure. ;)
- Haha, thanks MsBubbles. Lucozade is great.
- Ah yes, the money. Another great reason that I often ignore Liza.

Today was good enough, although I was tearful for a bit of it. Sigh.

Exercise: Got up for a run before work for the first time in forever. It was a bit more challenging than the day before but I didn't find it too difficult, which is great.

Food:
Breakfast: cappuccino
Mid-morning: tea and milk; coffee and milk; apple; banana
Lunch: chicken and stuffing sandwich; chocolate buttons 40 g
Mid-afternoon: coffee and milk
Evening: vegetable soup; 2 slices brown soda bread with butter and cheese
Night: tea and milk; homemade blueberry muffin with carte d'or vanilla ice cream and cream; club milk orange 22 g

I had more sweets than normal today because I was at home watching Wimbledon with my parents. I don't keep that stuff in my own house. We watched Rune vs Djokovic, a routine win for the great champ that is Djokovic. I was very happy for Fritz too.

Weight: 170.6; BF 39.7%; BMI 26

Cigs: 13
 
A pack of 20 cigarettes in Ireland costs €16.75 (in 2023). If you gave up, that would be a savings of over 6 113.75 € a year.
That would be a nice holiday 🏝️ (Thanks, Liza).
Em, I'm glad you spent the evening watching Wimbledon with your Mum & Dad. Who makes the muffins? I don't think I could resist a homemade muffin!
 
Looks like a good food day to me--not all that much junk at all.
I'm glad the running is going well. i would find it hard to run every day--I definitely need my rest days.
 
- Or a good chunk of a deposit for a house Cate, which is really what I need to start to focus on if I want to have any kind of a decent life! Mum made the muffins. They are half the size of a standard one, they were fab. So moist. She's a great baker.
- Thanks Liza. I'm following a running programme on my phone, so the runs are relatively easy. Today's one was 5 minutes walking, a 10 minute slow run, and another 5 minute walk, so that is easily done.
- Thanks for the hug MsBubbles.

Today took an unexpected dark turn so I am taking it out on myself by drinking wine. Sigh. This is something that needs to stop. Everything marginally bad that happens in my life, I internalise and punish myself for it. I'm so sick of it.

Anyway, basically, I am playing a tournament at the weekend with Stacey and she got a bit cross with me tonight that we haven't been able to practice together for it because I've been caught up with the project. She just kept saying it was 'ridiculous' that we weren't going to get a game in before the weekend. I was kind of taken aback. The interesting thing is that I am the one that is often getting sharp with people and I'm not often on the other side of that. It's not a nice feeling, even though I totally understand why she's annoyed. But it was a 'man in the mirror' kind of a moment. Anyway, I'm not going to accommodate her and put myself under pressure now to get a game in. She can only see it from her perspective - I'm delighted to be playing with her but I have a busy life and unfortunately this project thing cropped up at the wrong time for the tennis season. But I couldn't turn it down. I would have been doing myself a disservice.

In the grand scheme of things, I don't think I am particularly selfish. We had a guy in a group I'm in invite us all out for drinks and to see a play for his birthday, then a couple of days beforehand, he texted in to say he couldn't make it, after I had already paid for my ticket. When I asked him at the weekend why he couldn't make it, he said he had a date. Seriously like.

Anyway, the night ended in disaster and I really hope Stacey gets over it before the weekend. I feel under pressure for us to win our match now. Eek. On a better note, Hot Coach was all attention to me, probably because I'm in the doldrums and wasn't giving much back. Humans are mad, aren't they? The less interested you are in someone, the more valuable you become in some ways.

Actually, on another positive, I'm getting better at lobbing.

Exercise: Short interval run before work. I wasn't going to bother but something forced me out the door. It was raining. I enjoyed it. 1 hour tennis doubles and 1 hour tennis lesson. The running is helping my tennis. I was hitting very firm shots this evening because my arms are stronger already. Just goes to show - change doesn't have to take that long!

Food:
Breakfast: glass of milk
Mid-morning: natural yoghurt and blueberries; banana; 2 coffees and milk; tea and milk
Lunch: linguine with very little cheese, chicken, sugar snap peas, peas and spinach. No sauce! Too dry but probably the healthiest linguine I've ever eaten out. I finally got some greens in!
Mid-afternoon: coffee and milk
Evening: can of coke; some sports lucozade; 63 g reese's peanut butter cups
Night: bottle of white wine 10.5%

Weight: 170.2; BF 39.6%; BMI 25.9

Cigs: Will update on this tomorrow. Not sure yet. It won't be good.
 
Hi Em, you're doing so well with the running and tracking things! I hope you do well with the tennis match so your partner won't mind so much how busy you are. Sorry not to comment on all the nice stuff - I am panicked about getting my house on the market in a month. I'll have to be rude and keep comments brief for a while, but I am routing for you!!!
 
Sorry about the tension with you and Stacey. I hope that resolves ok and the tournament goes well. I find it really hard when people get mad at me about something. I can never just let it roll off me and I also get sucked into behaviors that aren't healthy as a result.
Anyway--good job on the continued running even when you didn't feel like it, the good tennis practice and the greens!
 
- Marsia, I am rooting for you too. xxx
- Yeah, it took me aback Liza. :(

Today I cried a lot in work. I hope people think it was just allergies. I'm working from home tomorrow so I can cry away for the day if I want. I really can't afford to be drinking wine like this. I'm drinking more wine tonight. This is the full disclosure part that tracking brings. Anyway, this is the last night of it, as I have a match on Friday and that should keep me on the straight and narrow for tomorrow night.

I watched the first half an hour of Sleepless in Seattle last night and I was just sobbing. Jesus Christ. Things are bad. I also look terrible as well as feeling terrible, which is making things even worse. I look so stern. I guess crying all the time isn't helping that. But I need my looks! No point getting in shape if my face looks haggard.

Anyway, I guess judging my looks the night after drinking a bottle of wine probably isn't a good idea. That is really the main impetus for wanting to quit smoking though. I want my nice skin back!!

Exercise: One hour tennis. I lost. Not surprised.

Food:
Breakfast: 2 weetabix; coffee and milk; rest of the locozade sport
Mid-morning: 1 horrible lemon chocolate; coffee and milk; tea and milk
Lunch: small roll with tuna, cheese, lettuce, coleslaw and butter; can of lucozade
Mid-afternoon: hunky doreys cheese and onion 37 g; coffee and milk
Evening: can of 7up; chocolate doughnut
Night: sweet chilli chicken wrap; 50 g catch mint bar; bottle of white wine 12%

Not a great food day. Sigh. The sweet chilli from the wrap also leaked all over my bag so now my bag stinks and has to be washed. Double sigh.

Weight: 168.5; BF 39.6%; BMI 25.7

Cigs yesterday were 22. It has to be less today because I only have one box. Will update tomorrow.

I'm very sad. Is this my life now? I hope not.
 
No, this is not your life now - this is one stinky day. I just had one of those - divorce mediation day, which I do not recommend by the way. These days are best put behind us and new ones with hot showers and relaxing music put in their place. You need some pampering, and I mean the healthy kind! You may have lost the last match, but going out and playing is a win. I hope you can go down to the sea on a breezy day and let all the tension float away on the wind. (And thanks for routing for me, too!:))
 
Emilyrose said:
Weight: 168.5; BF 39.6%; BMI 25.7
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Down into the 160s!! That is something to smile about girl!
Emilyrose said:
I need my looks! No point getting in shape if my face looks haggard.

Anyway, I guess judging my looks the night after drinking a bottle of wine probably isn't a good idea. That is really the main impetus for wanting to quit smoking though. I want my nice skin back!!
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Hey, the main reason to get into shape and stop smoking is your health. Your looks will follow, but I am sure you look just fine now.

Stick with your plan girl!
 
I'm far from my best self today, Em & am freaking out about having an op but I agree with-
Marsia said:
No, this is not your life now - this is one stinky day. I just had one of those - divorce mediation day, which I do not recommend by the way. These days are best put behind us and new ones with hot showers and relaxing music put in their place. You need some pampering, and I mean the healthy kind! You may have lost the last match, but going out and playing is a win. I hope you can go down to the sea on a breezy day and let all the tension float away on the wind. (And thanks for routing for me, too!:))
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Another reason to quit smoking-
You will love yourself & be proud that you could do it!
 
I hope the sadness has burned off somewhat by now. It's like dragging an anvil behind ourselves. Alcohol absolutely has that effect on me too.

Yeah that's really pretty rude about the guy changing his plans like that!
 
- Thanks Marsia. Maybe I'll head to the beach on Saturday if it's nice and do just that!
- Thanks Rob, I'll try!
- I would be brimming over with pride if I managed it Cate. I'm going to try again at the weekend.
- Thanks Liza. Me too.
- Yeah, people can be selfish, MsBubbles! Myself included! Haha.

Ugh. Last night, I veered into 'let's watch the world burn' mode and bought even more alcohol to drink on top of the wine I'd already had! Luckily, I am still alive but I have been suffering for that decision today. I bought a can of gin and tonic, another mini bottle of white wine, and then I had two double whiskeys with orange juice to cap it off! I was just able to drink and drink and drink. It's scary. That is my new compulsion I am afraid, instead of food. I also smoked the whole box of 20 cigarettes. I am not loving myself!!

Anyway, it's a new day and I hope I've got whatever that was out of my system. There was a bit of strife in the house because my housemate's boyfriend has been in the house 5 days in a row and I just snapped. It's just not giving me space to breathe. Anyway, I told her it really wasn't fair. I didn't go about it in the best way, but at the same time, it's obviously been brewing and I feel better for having offloaded my true feelings about it. We're still talking, I hope. It wouldn't be so bad if they were the type of couple to go out and do things together, but they are literally in the house all day and night and neither are working at the moment. So it's just too much. Sigh.

No exercise today. No energy.

Food:
Breakfast: 2 weetabix; banana; cappuccino
Mid-morning: tea and milk; decaf coffee and milk; 1 biscuit thing
Lunch: taco fries (awful)
Mid-afternoon: decaf coffee and milk
Evening: 4 in 1 (rice, chips, chicken, curry); can of coke

The 4 in 1 was not nice but all I want is carbs. I didn't eat it all though, so that's something. Back on track tomorrow.

Weight: 169; BF 39.3%; BMI 25.8

I will update on the cigs tomorrow. It will be less than 20.

I listened to the most wonderful podcast episode tonight by Conor Creighton called 'How to Manifest the Person of Your Dreams in 7 Steps.' He's Irish, I've never heard of him before but it gave me such a huge boost. I'd recommend listening to it even if you have already manifested your dream person because it was more about working on yourself than anything else. I will definitely listen to some more of the stuff on that channel. I rang home too and my mum was in great spirits. She bought a denim jacket for herself today. I thought that was a great sign. And I didn't die of alcohol poisoning, so you know. Things are looking up.

I can't wait to get a good night's sleep and wake up tomorrow fresh and excited about my big match tomorrow evening. I really hope I can win it.
 
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