Emily Rose: The Reboot

[alligatorob]

I'm going to start tracking again.

Good for you, it always helps me.

Full disclosure!

Always for the best!

Cigarettes: 10. This is actually an improvement cos I've been closer to 20 lately. My goal with this tomorrow is to keep it at 10 or less.

Fewer is better, do you think it can lead you to quitting?

cajun chicken

What is that? Being from Louisiana with many Cajun relatives I am surprised what some people call "Cajun". It seems to be applied to most anything that's spicy. Some collogues once took me to a "Cajun" restaurant in London, have to say it was a bit disappointing, not much on the menu a real Cajun would recognize.

Food wasn't too bad today. 1 less chocolate bar than yesterday.

Less is better. However I have been experimenting with adding one sweet treat a day to my diet, a chocolate bar today.

I'm not surprised my weight is up as wine the night before always gives a false reading.

Yeah, that happens, you are smart to recognize it.

Is being confident ever a fixed state?

Not for the living, at least not in my experience. Its how you handle the feeling that matters.

I think you are doing well girl!

 

[Marsia]

I think you're doing well, too. Perfect is the enemy of good, especially with really hard goals, I think. My confidence is all over the place, and most people I know are like that, too. I always wonder if people who seem confident all the time are overcompensating for something, maybe some of them are anyway. Anyway, I hope you feel good about less cigarettes and doing well with food while starting a new intimidating project!!

 

[liza3]

1 less chocolate bar than yesterday. I forced myself to eat the chicken salad meal at 5pm, even though I wasn't that hungry, as I knew I'd be reaching for more coffee and chocolate if I didn't. There were loads of cookies and pastries available this evening in the place I was and I had a green tea instead! So that was cool.

Oh good for you! You are stronger than I am!

 

[MsBubbles]

I would imagine self-confidence is a spectrum. At least mine is. It's a good goal to do things that help keep the needle towards the favorable side of the spectrum, then the other details might somewhat take care of themselves!

Your appetite sounds like mine...not much in the morning, just coffee.

 

[Emilyrose]

- Thanks for reason #1 Cate.
- Thanks Rob. Cajun to me is just spicy. Haha. In my defense, that's what it said on the label!!
- Thanks Marsia. The project got too intimidating for me today.
- I don't think I would have been able to do that when I was younger Liza, so I am happy about that.
- Thanks MsBubbles, I like that idea.

I retreated from the project today. I have my reasons but I'm worried that I have let people down. Still, I feel low, I feel exhausted, and I need to try to rest today so that I have the energy for the next few days that I need. I'm still very down. That doesn't seem to be changing no matter what I do. It's hard to cope. In a way, the retreat might seem like a cowardly thing but I actually think it's sort of a brave thing too, because I've actually listened to my own intuition and body and put myself first. I generally will bend over backwards instead of risking people not liking me or being unhappy with me, but I was driving home from work today and I just decided, 'No! Enough!'

Food today -
Breakfast: 2 weetabix, blueberries, milk
Mid-morning: coffee and milk; banana; mandarin and apple green tea
Lunch: chicken salad sandwich; 48.5 g boost bar; can of club orange
Mid-afternoon: coffee and milk; bottle of 7up; 36g hula hoops beef
Dinner: basil pesto pasta; 1 slice brown soda bread with butter and sun-dried tomatoes; vegatable soup
Night: love tea

Not too bad. No exercise though, so I'm going to try to go for a run tomorrow. I can't find my headphones though which is a big loss. Hopefully they turn up.

Weight: 171.4; Body fat: 40.2%; BMI: 26.1
Not too worried about that. Just don't want to creep back up, so I'm happy with that for today.

Cigs: 17. Stress.

 

[Marsia]

I think it's brave that you retreated when the project got too much, too. It's lovely how much you've been concentrating on having a good relationship with yourself first and foremost, and I think that's hard in a workplace, so I hope you give yourself lots of credit for that. Even though you got stressed, you still kept the cigarette count lower. It seems like a slow and steady route could be a really good approach especially since work gets so intense at times. I think anyone would be sad if a new scary project made them overwhelmed, so I hope you don't worry too much and that you can find nice things to cheer yourself up and destress! Nice your weight came back down, too!

 

[liza3]

The retreat from the project sounds healthy and brave. I am glad you are wise enough to take care of yourself like that.

 

[Emilyrose]

- Thanks Marsia. Weight down a little bit more this morning so that helped!
- Thanks Liza. I think I made the right decision!

Food today -
Breakfast: glass of milk
Mid-morning: coffee and milk; apple; banana; tea and milk; coffee and milk; 1 lemon chocolate thing
Lunch: half a cajun chicken, lettuce, peppers, tomatoes, potato salad, coleslaw, 1 slice brown bread with butter
Mid-afternoon: cappuccino; maltesers 37g
Evening: bottle of 7up; wine gums 52g; freshly squeezed orange juice
Night: bottle of white wine (11%); hunky dorys cheese and onion 36g

Weight: 170.6; Body fat: 40.2%; BMI: 26
A good weigh-in this morning saved me from being in the absolute doldrums today. I even wore a cute dress I've never worn before.

Cigs: 17.
I haven't smoked them all yet or drank all of the wine either but I will.

Today actually turned out great, although there was a hiccup in work just before I went home that I have to sort out tomorrow and I'm half-dreading it. I am trying to think positively about it. I have my reasons for making the decision I did, blah blah. The project is back on track, got a huge confidence boost this evening, decided to celebrate by buying wine, which is not good, but at least it's a relatively low percentage and I have a rest tomorrow evening so I should be okay.

I'm going to finish the pack I have now and my plan for tomorrow is not to smoke. I am FULLY CONVINCED that if I don't smoke tomorrow that Tom will text me. I just need a boost and I would love to hear from him. So let's see if I can a) not smoke tomorrow and b) if my prediction comes true. I will let you know. I will definitely smoke on Saturday but tomorrow is a test run to see if I can do it. I haven't had a day off from smoking in ages. During Covid, I wasn't too bad with it actually, which is interesting.

Anyway, the main thing is that things are on the up and up.

 

[Marsia]

Nice the project is going well again, and I hope it works out ok with the thing you have to explain at work. It seems like you are getting more healthy food in, and your weight is down a little more even. I think you can find someone you click with like you do with Tom, but who is really there for you! I like your experiment to try not smoking for a day to see how it goes - really well, I hope!

 

[Cate]

Smoking...
2) Can cause heart disease
3) Can cause Diabetes
Hi, Em. I have just returned from 2 nights away so added 2.
Good for you backing out of a big project that was already causing you too much stress. If that feels right then it most probably is.

 

[liza3]

Best of luck with the day off smoking! Maybe I could do similar with sweets...
I'm glad you had a good day and that the project is back on track!

 

[alligatorob]

Hey Emily, sounds like on the whole you are doing pretty well! Weight down, even just a little, is good.

I'm going to finish the pack I have now and my plan for tomorrow is not to smoke.

Good luck with that, a day off smoking is good, maybe a good start to stopping?

I am FULLY CONVINCED that if I don't smoke tomorrow that Tom will text me.

If it's what you want I hope Tom texts you no matter what. He'd be a fool not to!

Anyway, the main thing is that things are on the up and up.

Yep!

 

[Emilyrose]

- Thanks Marsia. I didn't manage it today but I'm going to try on Sunday again.
- I only backed out for one night Cate. Still ongoing! But nearly done.
- I'm going to try on Sunday again if you want to try with me Liza.
- Haha, thanks Rob. I think I'm the fool. But anyway. 'It is what it is.'

I feel like I'm going to start using 'It is what is is' excessively now. I bet I will hear a few people using it tomorrow @Cate. I don't know why, it's just made me laugh so much.

I battled through the tired feeling I had from the wine last night and forced myself out the door at lunchtime for a 20-minute interval run. I'm so glad I didn't wait till after work to go because it started raining more or less the minute I got home and it's been raining since. I wouldn't have gone if I'd waited. So I'm really, really happy with that! My head just feels miles better. I am going to get up early tomorrow and go for another one. I really should be running every day at the moment to try to regulate my mood while I'm in this real chasm.

Food today -
Breakfast: glass of milk; freshly squeezed orange juice; cappuccino; plain scone with butter and marmalade
Mid-morning: decaf coffee and milk
Lunch: tomato and basil soup; 1 slice soda bread with butter
Mid-afternoon: 1 chewing gum; decaf coffee and milk
Evening: small Domino's cheese and tomato pizza (I ate 5 of the 6 slices); garlic dip; can of coke
Night: love tea

Not the best eating day with the pizza and scone but I had very little sweets so I'm okay with a carby day cos I needed it to recover.

Weight: 170.6; Body fat: 40%; BMI: 26
A good weigh-in but the wine might have had an impact here.

Cigs: 11.
Not exactly 0 but better than yesterday. If I teeter around the 10 mark, I don't feel as ill going to bed.

I had a nap after my pizza and I am planning on being asleep in the next hour. My mood is all over the place but I feel like the best mechanism I have against that at the moment is an early night and a run in the morning. I always imagine I look better if I feel well-rested and get some exercise in. And that helps give me confidence when I am struggling to find any. Fingers crossed tomorrow goes well.

 

[Marsia]

Cutting the cigarette consumption to almost half is nothing to sneeze at! So glad you feel so better after running. It's great it helps stabilize your mood. K also feels that way from running. (I am too out of shape aerobics-wise now, but do remember how that feels!). Fingers crossed for tomorrow!

 

[Cate]

I'm glad I made you laugh! I don't dare tell you about some words used regularly these days to replace what was one simple word in the English language. I now use "It is what it is" (ironically) & have got over being so annoyed by it, but I still laugh when I hear it, sometimes out loud.
I assumed a big project was a show that goes on for months with rehearsals etc.
Smoking-
4) Increases risk of liver cancer.
4a) can stain your hands yellow

 

[liza3]

I'm going to try on Sunday again if you want to try with me Liza.

OK! I might end up going today without sweets but will try tomorrow as well...although I guess with our different time zones our saturday and sunday blends into each other...But yes, will try to do Sunday because that will be a day where I have lots of temptations around and it will be more of a challenge than today where i just have those darn jelly beans in the cupboard taunting me.
Nice work on the noon-time run. I hope your night went well and that you got up for your nice morning run as well.

 

[Cate]

I'm joining you too. I did not have any wine yesterday & I won't again today (it's 9.12 am Sunday here) xo

 

[Marsia]

Me, too, I won't have any sugar.

 

[Emilyrose]

- Yes, I do love a run when I get back out there Marsia.
- Thanks Cate. x
- I did the run Liza. I'm happy with that.

Ugh. Let's get into the stats before we talk about the emotions.


Food (& Drink) today -
Breakfast: banana
Mid-morning: Coffee and biscuit; omelette with sun-dried tomatoes, pesto and mozzarella cheese with 1 slice toast, butter and relish; 750 ml bottle 7up
Lunch: cajun chicken wrap; coffee and milk
Mid-afternoon: 2 biscuits; tea and milk
Night: 1 pint Carlsberg; 2 pints Heineken; 3 pints Hophouse 13; double shot whiskey

Cigs: 26
Agh!

Weight: 170.5; BF: 40%; BMI: 26

Exercise: Interval run 28 min
The run was a bit more challenging than yesterday but I am so glad I got up and did it. It was a beautiful morning to be running around a small lake.

I'm a bit torn apart. It's nearly 5am, still awake. Had copious drinks tonight. Not a huge amount of food. I will suffer tomorrow but I have nothing on and there is something truly glorious about that.

It's hard to explain how I am and why I am feeling the way I am feeling in great lengths here without giving too much away about myself. But I guess the main thing is that I am in great despair. That is probably the best word to describe it.

I think the despair is so great because I've realised what I'm missing out on living the way I am and I guess it's hard to be confronted with your own failings on a daily basis. I'm very sad about my life, to the point where I had such a nice, rewarding night tonight, and I am at such a low ebb. It hasn't given me the confidence boost it used to.

I just don't think I'm strong enough to keep going on without someone else who believes in me too. I thought I had found someone that did, and I can't come to terms with the fact that it was perhaps a 'time in a bottle' kind of a thing or simply lies. And it is ruining everything else, that sense of loss. It's so huge for me. My life was summer with a lot of grey in the background. Now it feels like wintertime everyday. It doesn't even make sense. It doesn't make sense to me. But it's how I feel all the time.

 

[Marsia]

I really understand that immense pull to be with someone who isn't quite right for you, yet there are so many good things you wish you could have back. I still feel it from my first serious boyfriend, but he just didn't have the respect for me that is necessary to have a balanced relationship. In couples therapy, they usually emphasize that a healthy relationship is 2 individuals who are strong on their own and don't need to lean on the other person very often to feel ok, and they talk about making sure you can really give yourself the love you need so you aren't needy and dependent on the other person. I really struggle with this, and seeing how my last "relationship" went, I desperately need to work on this. So I am not qualified to give you advice, but I will join you in figuring out ways we can be there for ourselves if you like. I think we go through these super hard periods so we become stronger, more self aware, and more self compassionate. It's horrible going through these things, but we really don't have a choice, so I'm hoping to go through it more on the gracefully accepting side than the kicking and screaming side, but do fail some days!!

I'm glad you are tracking your nutrition and cigarettes so you can see patterns and where to change things up!