Emily Rose: The Reboot

[liza3]

Nice to hear you basking in the project.
Manifesting some parking spots sounds good...it'll be interesting to see where it goes...I do believe having a clear understanding of what we want in life helps bring it about for all sorts of reasons (understanding where we want to invest our time and energy, and what things we are ok with dropping etc)..course I do think external circumstances beyond our control can definitely get in the way, but it is good to know what we would like to manifest in life!

 

[Emilyrose]

- Yeah, I guess it's nice to not be forgotten, Cate. The author of that book is Australian actually.
- Thanks Marsia. I think we probably keep spiraling back to the same situation because we still haven't learnt the lesson we needed to! So it will continue on a loop until we do something differently.
- Oh, of course there will be always be external stuff being thrown at us Liza. I do think when I am really happy and full of energy, life goes really well for me and all sorts of lucky things happen. It's just taking me a long time to get back into that state.

Today was fine. I stayed up too late last night so it was mostly just a day of being tired, which isn't great. But nothing major went right or wrong. A beigey, neutral kind of a day. Those sorts of days are needed sometimes.

I have this evening and tomorrow off and then it's manic for the next week so I'm trying to enjoy the downtime. Even though I just end up overthinking things. I did make progress on something tonight, so I was happy with that. My room has started to spiral out of control again so I must put a bit of time into getting it back in shape again on Sunday. I cleaned out the car at the weekend but it probably needs another hoover, as it was quite messy.

I'm not sure what to do with myself now. There could possibly be a new The Boys episode out today, so I'll check that out after I post this. I investigated Substack today as I had heard a bit about it, it looks cool. I don't really know what I would write a blog about but I like the idea of one. I do think you need some sort of theme or focus though. This place is enough for me at the moment.

Food today wasn't great, I haven't weighed myself all week but I think I'm maintaining anyway. I hope so. I went for a nap earlier and I had a dream that I was stuffing doughnut after doughnut into me and I woke up kind of relieved that I don't really do that anymore. Then I was mulling over how I overcame that. It was gradual I guess. I mean, I still overeat but not to that level. It's good to feel like one thing has improved at least in the last 20 years.

 

[Cate]

You sound quite contemplative & relaxed Em. I hope you have a lovely short break xo

 

[liza3]

I went for a nap earlier and I had a dream that I was stuffing doughnut after doughnut into me and I woke up kind of relieved that I don't really do that anymore. Then I was mulling over how I overcame that. It was gradual I guess. I mean, I still overeat but not to that level. It's good to feel like one thing has improved at least in the last 20 years.

That is neat to notice that it just fell away like that. Maybe that will be the way with cigarettes one day!

I hope you enjoy the down time before getting back into the excitement again.

 

[Marsia]

I love the idea of you having a blog. I think you do so well with goals you love, like with the tennis academy, but I also get it that you are super busy most of the time. Glad you get some down time before the next push. With the idea I brought up of spiraling through different life themes or issues, it is considered normal and good to keep revisiting different life themes - like learning to love on deeper and deeper levels. I have always liked that because it's like with your donut dream, you can look back at a theme like diet and see how much you've changed and see what worked over the years and maybe apply what you've learned somewhere else in your life. The spiral of mastery keeps rising because mastering one thing can help with other things, too. That's that theory anyway. Anyway, I hope you get some nice rest and fun relaxing things in before you get really busy again!

 

[Emilyrose]

- Thanks Cate. I don't know how relaxed I am really but it is nice to not have to rush anywhere the last two evenings. It's raining this evening, which is kind of a relief.
- Thanks Liza. Yeah, it did fall away. I think getting into yoga and exercise helped.
- Thanks Marsia. That's an interesting theory. I wonder what I'm meant to master while I'm here. It's not clear yet.

It's Friday! I ordered a chicken burger and chips for dinner, which was such a bad idea. The burger was not nice and I had some of the chips but I threw a lot of them away cos I was just too full. So I'm not completely stuffed now but I need to start making my own food again. I had vegetable soup and brown bread for lunch, so at least that wasn't too bad.

It's raining, it's pouring, the old man is snoring
He went to bed and bumped his head and couldn't get up in the morning...

I guess the old man in that rhyme was drunk going to bed so that's why he bumped his head (I mean, how do you bump your head after going to bed?) and he can't get up in the morning because he's hungover. Lol.

I got sunburnt on my left shoulder and arm last week and it's still quite red and sore. Ugh. Not happy. Normally, it turns into a kind of reddish brown but it's still a bit angry looking. I should probably apply some more aftersun. Should I be worried?

It's nearly half 9 now. I had a productive evening and had a good laugh with myself, lol. I played a bit of guitar, which is always nice. I'd be such good company for someone, you know? I'm wasting away here. I think that's why I'm so sad lately. Maybe, in a weird way, I'm actually starting to like myself?

 

[Cate]

It's nearly half 9 now. I had a productive evening and had a good laugh with myself, lol. I played a bit of guitar, which is always nice. I'd be such good company for someone, you know? I'm wasting away here. I think that's why I'm so sad lately. Maybe, in a weird way, I'm actually starting to like myself?

I have a sneaky feeling you are, Em

 

[liza3]

It's nearly half 9 now. I had a productive evening and had a good laugh with myself, lol. I played a bit of guitar, which is always nice. I'd be such good company for someone, you know? I'm wasting away here. I think that's why I'm so sad lately. Maybe, in a weird way, I'm actually starting to like myself?

I'm glad you are at least enjoying your own company! That's great! A lot of people can't do that. While I have no desire to be in a one-on-one romantic relationship these days, I sometimes think how I might do better in a more communal, shared space with other people that are similar, where yes--we can play music together, share a bottle of wine, have some good laughs, garden together etc...

t's raining, it's pouring, the old man is snoring
He went to bed and bumped his head and couldn't get up in the morning...

I guess the old man in that rhyme was drunk going to bed so that's why he bumped his head (I mean, how do you bump your head after going to bed?) and he can't get up in the morning because he's hungover. Lol.

lol i like your analysis of a great classic nursery rhyme. Those old rhymes are so often so odd when you really look at them!

 

[Marsia]

So glad to hear you are liking yourself and enjoying your own company. I think you have great taste!! I get horrible angry sunburns like that occasionally and I slather them in aloe vera gel many times a day, and sometimes vinegar and water to take away the sting. I hope it feels better soon! That old nursery rhyme always spooked me out. I like your interpretation, too.

 

[alligatorob]

I had a productive evening and had a good laugh with myself, lol. I played a bit of guitar, which is always nice. I'd be such good company for someone, you know?

Yes, you would be!

I'm actually starting to like myself?

I hope so, you are very likeable girl!

It's raining, it's pouring, the old man is snoring
He went to bed and bumped his head and couldn't get up in the morning...

I guess the old man in that rhyme was drunk going to bed so that's why he bumped his head (I mean, how do you bump your head after going to bed?) and he can't get up in the morning because he's hungover.

My mother used to say that, but usually just the first line. Not sure of the meaning though. So I looked it up, here is what Google AI says (more info than I was looking for):

"It's Raining, It's Pouring," while seemingly a simple children's rhyme, has sparked much debate about its true meaning, with interpretations ranging from the literal to the disturbing. Here's a breakdown of the various perspectives:
Literal Interpretation:

• On the surface, the rhyme describes a rainy day and an old man who sleeps soundly despite the noise. He then bumps his head before going to bed, resulting in him being unable to wake up the next morning.

Symbolic Interpretations:

• Some believe the rhyme is a metaphor for death, with the rain symbolizing tears, the snoring representing unconsciousness, and the head injury signifying a fatal blow.
• Others interpret the "pouring" as referring to alcohol, suggesting the old man is drunk, hence the snoring, and the head injury is a consequence of his intoxication.
• A more psychological analysis suggests the rhyme depicts a lucid interval after a head injury. The old man initially seems fine after bumping his head but is unable to function normally in the morning.

Uncertainties and Debates:

• The rhyme's ambiguity regarding the old man's fate and the cause of his inability to wake up leave room for various interpretations.
• The historical context and origin of the rhyme remain unclear, making it difficult to determine the intended meaning.
• Some argue that analyzing a children's rhyme for hidden dark meanings might be unnecessary and spoil its innocent charm.

Additional Information:

• The rhyme often has a continuation, with a second verse describing sunny weather and the old man "whining" after dropping his cup. This verse adds a layer of irony and suggests that even after a difficult experience, life goes on and there's always a silver lining.
• Regardless of the interpretation, the rhyme's catchy rhythm and simple language have made it a popular children's song for generations.

Ultimately, the meaning of "It's Raining, It's Pouring" remains open to individual interpretation. Whether you view it as a lighthearted children's song or a veiled commentary on mortality, the rhyme continues to spark curiosity and discussion.

 

[Emilyrose]

- Hahaha, thanks Cate.
- A lot of them are completely bizarre, Liza. I always feel 'There was a little girl' nursery rhyme describes me well at times. Lol.
- Thanks Marsia. It's started to peel, which has set my mind at ease about it. I love the process of seeing my body healing! So magical. I kept looking at it earlier, lol. I also love seeing all the excrement left on a plaster when a cut is healing. All that horrible ooze. I know it's quite disgusting but I just find it fascinating to see it.

• Others interpret the "pouring" as referring to alcohol, suggesting the old man is drunk, hence the snoring, and the head injury is a consequence of his intoxication.

- Ooh, I didn't think of the 'pouring' as the pouring of a drink, Rob. Interesting!

Guys, can you believe it, we are officially halfway through the year already. How frightening.

If I look back at the last 6 months, there have been a lot of pluses but a lot of minuses also.

The main plus is that the project that I did, one of my biggest achievements and one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, is really standing to me. It's given me huge confidence in myself. The payoff has made it all worth it. So that is a huge positive for me. It's something I will be proud of for the rest of my life.

Another positive is my weight. It has gone up a little bit in the last few weeks - I was 173 pounds today with 40% body fat - but 6 months ago, I was 182.3 and my BF was 42.4%, so that's still good news! I want to push to get back into the normal weight category with a BF of 30% or under the next 6 months. It's very doable. My relationship with food is definitely improving, it's more time and planning that is letting me down at the moment. I went to the supermarket and stocked up on a lot of quick, easy meals for the next week so hopefully that will start to help.

Another positive is the great relationship I have with my folks. I called home last night and encouraged them to do something, which they wouldn't have done if I hadn't called out. We watched Celine Dion's documentary together - so, so sad - but we all really enjoyed it.

There are other positives but those are probably the main ones for the last 6 months. That's not bad.

I won't dwell too long on the negatives, but those are smoking, drinking, still some food issues, and not having been able to get over Tom. Those things have caused me a lot of pain in the last 6 months. The interesting thing is that those are all internal issues, except for the Tom thing I suppose. I guess work has been challenging too but that is back in the neutral to good category, so it's resolved more or less. Oh yeah, I guess tennis needs to be added to the positive category too, that has brought me a lot of joy over the last 6 months. This could be a long post, God.

Anyway, I guess the smoking thing is the next challenge. The thing is - that project was so difficult, I didn't enjoy most of it, if I'm being honest, but as I said, the payoff was amazing. I think quitting smoking will be a similar thing. I won't enjoy the process at all. I know Allen Carr says you can hoodwink your mind into being joyful and happy about giving up but I don't know if that will be possible for me. Maybe I need to feel the pain and keep going anyway. And I feel pain every day when I think about my love life and being alone and I'm still standing, so I need to remember that. Anyway, that is my biggest wish for the second half of the year.

If I was a business, I would be putting every employee and resource on this challenge. 'DROP EVERYTHING ELSE GUYS! WE'RE ALL GOING TO WORK TOWARDS EMILY ROSE QUITTING SMOKING FOR GOOD!!!'

So, let's see how we go...

 

[Cate]

I'm on your team, Em.
'DROP EVERYTHING ELSE GUYS! WE'RE ALL GOING TO WORK TOWARDS EMILY ROSE QUITTING SMOKING FOR GOOD!!!'
What can I do to help?

 

[liza3]

I always feel 'There was a little girl' nursery rhyme describes me well at times.

haha I had to google that one--never heard it before!

I love the process of seeing my body healing! So magical. I kept looking at it earlier, lol. I also love seeing all the excrement left on a plaster when a cut is healing. All that horrible ooze.

The body is absolutely fascinating as it goes about repairing itself, while we have no idea how it's doing it! That does make me laugh that you like to see all the gunk on a bandaid!

Anyway, I guess the smoking thing is the next challenge. The thing is - that project was so difficult, I didn't enjoy most of it, if I'm being honest, but as I said, the payoff was amazing. I think quitting smoking will be a similar thing.

Understanding this, I think, is huge--knowing that there will be a short term time of discomfort but then you will have lifelong freedom. Finding what works for you psychologically to help you make that break from smoking is key I think.

I was 173 pounds today with 40% body fat - but 6 months ago, I was 182.3 and my BF was 42.4%, so that's still good news

That is great news--that's a really good solid loss over the last 6 months!!

 

[Emilyrose]

- Aw, thanks Cate. Let me mull that over.
- Thanks Liza. It's trying to turn on that switch in my head that makes the desire stronger than the craving is what I am battling right now.

I'm going to start tracking again. Full disclosure! Today was not a good food day because I drank wine last night, didn't get enough sleep, and then I feel hungry for carbs and sugar all day long. I actually have to cop on because I had black spots in front of eyes at one point this evening, not cool! I'm back in bed now with my cup of tea so I will live but I do have to stop the drinking and get back on the straight and narrow. Anyway, I'll be tracking it all here, so you'll be able to see how I go.

Food today -
Breakfast: milk from carton; some basil pesto pasta
Mid-morning: coffee and milk; banana; tea and milk; coffee and milk; 1 slice healthy grain toast and butter
Lunch: beef stragonoff; can of coke; white twix bar 46g
Mid-afternoon: mandarin and apple green tea
Evening: cappuccino and 47g turkish bar
Night: rest of the basil pesto pasta; glass of milk; 1 slice brown soda bread with butter and cheese; tea and milk

I was so hungry when I got home because I had no energy left. Lots of things to improve upon for tomorrow. My first goal will be to eat a healthy breakfast.

Weight: 171.1; Body fat: 40%; BMI: 26.1

Cigarettes: 10. This is actually an improvement cos I've been closer to 20 lately. My goal with this tomorrow is to keep it at 10 or less.

I'm very busy at the moment but I was just too tired today. I am going to go to sleep now and pray that I have loads of energy tomorrow.

 

[Marsia]

So wonderful you are tracking cigarettes and cutting down. That's how my mom did it, too. She really struggled with the process until she did that. Is seeing black spots a symptom of drinking? If not, please go see a doctor. That's scary sounding. I'm really excited for you!! Hope you get great sleep and feel better!

 

[Cate]

Hi, Em. When I gave up smoking it was not from someone telling me to stop. I was reading the paper while having lunch when we were running a pub back in 1986 when our kids were young(& impressionable) & G walked in. He said, "Did you read the article about.." & I said, "Before you say anything else, I have decided to stop smoking." The odds of our kids becoming smokers if even one of us smoked were so high!
This morning I googled 50 reasons to quit smoking. Would you like me to list one a day for 50 days? I could substitute some as I can't imagine you having erectile dysfunction & some are repetitive. I can throw in a few that aren't there...."Will make you even more kissable"
Or I can say nothing as sometimes it's best when you say nothing at all
Cutting down is a great way to start & 20 down to 10 is excellent. You can do this xo

 

[liza3]

Your food didn't look too bad to me--you seem to be getting in some good healthy meals in...
Good for you cutting the cigarettes in half!

 

[MsBubbles]

I absolutely hear you on the carb cravings! Mine were really bad yesterday and I felt terrible giving in to them, but I was pleasantly surprised to find they kinda went away on their own today (after I slept for 10 hours last night!). Great job on the ciggies too.

 

[Emilyrose]

- Hi Marsia. The black spots were simply from exhaustion, I think. I'm a lot better today.
- Cate, I love that idea. Especially ones like this:

"Will make you even more kissable"

- Thanks Liza. It's a start, I guess.
- A good sleep definitely helps me with the carb cravings, MsBubbles, as I'm not looking for energy all day long.

Food today -
Mid-morning: coffee and milk; apple; coffee and milk; banana
Lunch: basil pesto pasta and sun-dried tomatoes; milk from the carton; 1 slice soda bread with butter and marmalade; galaxy caramel bar 48g
Mid-afternoon: coffee and milk
Evening: half a cajun chicken with potato salad, coleslaw, peppers, tomatoes, lettuce, cucumber, half an egg and 1 slice soda bread and butter; green tea
Night: tea and milk

Food wasn't too bad today. 1 less chocolate bar than yesterday. I forced myself to eat the chicken salad meal at 5pm, even though I wasn't that hungry, as I knew I'd be reaching for more coffee and chocolate if I didn't. There were loads of cookies and pastries available this evening in the place I was and I had a green tea instead! So that was cool.

Weight: 173.2; Body fat: 40%; BMI: 26.4
I'm not surprised my weight is up as wine the night before always gives a false reading. Hopefully it moves down again tomorrow.

Cigarettes: 16
Bad but it is what it is. I feel my confidence has taken a real knock the last few days - I'm just feeling really uncomfortable and second-guessing myself, after a relatively peaceful time in terms of that. I guess the project I'm doing is quite emotional and stirring things up, so I will have to work through it all again. Anyway, I am going to try to get a really great sleep tonight and hopefully I feel better tomorrow. Is being confident ever a fixed state? Maybe for some people. Mine is always meandering.

 

[Cate]

Good morning, Em. Well, it is morning here. Well done on a better day with food. That's excellent that you had a green tea instead of cookies & pastries.
16 cigs? Still less than 20. We are all a work in progress. The ciggies are a tougher one to beat. Nicotine is one very strong drug.
50 reasons to stop smoking.
1. Can cause cancer.
Smoking is the number one cause of lung cancer. Smokers are 30 times more likely to develop lung cancer. The longer you smoke, the higher the risk.