Emily Rose: The Reboot

Emilyrose said:
The tennis dress is a big deal for me, Liza. I usually hate wearing anything that would draw attention to myself because I feel too fat. Sad really.
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sometimes those things kind of expose how uncomfortable I am in my body and myself and I feel worse afterwards for a while.
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It's so weird, at the start of last year, I was 30 pounds heavier, and I'm thinking to myself, 'How was I coping with that?' And I seemed to be coping with life a lot better, even though I was obese and obviously felt awful in my clothes and all of that stuff.
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Nothing weird about all of that, I think a lot of us have felt like that, I have (except for the dress part). One thing I have figured out is no matter how much or little I weigh I am the same person, with the same qualities and problems, I suspect you are too. Wish I could offer a solution, when I figure one out I will. I am sure you are a lovely person, and I think many others believe that too.
Emilyrose said:
Anyway, I came home, I didn't pour a glass of 'poor me' wine. Instead, I had a slice of toast with cheese and a cup of tea. Food today wasn't bad really.
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Good for you!!
 
- Thanks Cate. I had a read. I was in better form then.
- Oh, I don't know, Marsia. Run away and start again somewhere else. :(
- The teacher maintained that acting is therapy and a lot of acting exercises are based on psychotherapy, Liza. It's probably why I gravitate towards it. I need it! And, the answer to the last part of your post is, I don't know.
- Thanks Rob. I was happy that I allowed myself to 'feel the feelings'.

Today was an okay day but I'm drinking wine again. Sigh. I didn't expect to do anything when I came home other than that, but two glasses in I got very hungry, so I actually cooked a dinner of steak and stir-fried veg with black bean sauce, so you know, that will help undo a little bit of the damage anyway. I have just an overwhelming amount of feelings at the moment and I'm simply not coping.

I entered another tennis tournament today with Stacey and in the singles draw as well, so that's another thing mapped out for July. I've just really lost enthusiam for life. It all feels so pointless. I do think I need to leave my job, I just think the repetitiveness and what happened last week is getting to me. I just don't have the energy to look for a new one. And, as I said, there's a few things to sort out before I can leave, although one might be sorted out soon. I hope.

Work today was actually enjoyable and we had a good few laughs and everything but my heart just isn't in anything anymore. I hate being like this. There's only so much manifestation and 'magical thinking' a woman can do. I'm just so lost.

Anyway, hopefully, I will be found soon. That's all I ask for really.
 
Emilyrose said:
Today was an okay day but I'm drinking wine again. Sigh. I didn't expect to do anything when I came home other than that, but two glasses in I got very hungry, so I actually cooked a dinner of steak and stir-fried veg with black bean sauce, so you know, that will help undo a little bit of the damage anyway. I have just an overwhelming amount of feelings at the moment and I'm simply not coping.
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Steak, stir-fried veggies, and black bean sauce accompanied by two glasses of wine sounds like a pretty nice dinner to me.
Emilyrose said:
Anyway, hopefully, I will be found soon. That's all I ask for really.
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You will be, I once was lost, but now am found. My favorite words from my favorite song of redemption.
 
From the point of view of cognitive psychology, the technique of manifesting has some real benefits. Thinking of what you want and truly believing that you can achieve it is nothing to sneeze at. It gets people in the right frame of mind to have the courage to try for what they want. Where that technique needs a little help (from the viewpoint of cognitive psych) is that the other part of getting to a goal usually involves a lot of rolling up one's sleeves and taking action to bring one's vision into reality. I really do not get why Oprah doesn't talk about that part, because she obviously did that big time. I do think it's wishful thinking otherwise, but I also don't look down on wishful thinking at all. Many people are too depressed to figure out what they want and to think that it could come true. So I think you are completely and thoroughly on the right track, it's just that figuring out what actions to take to achieve one's goals is darned hard and often requires a lot of trial and error and keeping the faith that things really could work out well. So you may feel lost, but I do think you know where at least part of your path is, unlike a lot of people. I wish I had a nice concrete answer for you of what to do, but instead I just really feel that you have so many internal resources and I have a lot of faith that you'll find a way.
 
Thank you, @Marsia for saying what I was thinking but expressing it much better than I could. I have faith in you too, Em. You'll see a way forward xo
 
Emilyrose said:
The teacher maintained that acting is therapy and a lot of acting exercises are based on psychotherapy, Liza. It's probably why I gravitate towards it. I need it!
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It really does sound like the perfect therapy for you! Great you have that.

Emilyrose said:
I actually cooked a dinner of steak and stir-fried veg with black bean sauce,
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Oh nice one--sounds like you are getting into some healthy habits automatically when you hadn't planned that and it just happened.

Emilyrose said:
Work today was actually enjoyable and we had a good few laughs and everything but my heart just isn't in anything anymore
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I'm glad you do have some good times at work...and I do hope that something clicks for you at some point as to what you might like to do next...
 
- Aw, I forgot about that beautiful hymn Rob. Thanks.
Marsia said:
I wish I had a nice concrete answer for you of what to do, but instead I just really feel that you have so many internal resources and I have a lot of faith that you'll find a way.
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- Thank you for your faith in me Marsia. It means a lot.
- Thank you Cate. I will.
- Thanks Liza. Maybe this is a period of growth and I will look back at some point in the future and feel grateful. But it's painful. Growing pains, you might say.

I had a terrible morning, more tears. What's the name of that doll that cries all the time? Tiny Tears. Lol. Yep, that's me. I've probably cried more this year so far than I have in the last 10. I guess that could be a positive? Maybe all that extra weight provided an emotional buffer. And now I'm more exposed and things feel harder.

Anyway, I had to pull myself together cos I had a tennis game at 1pm. I still felt a bit raw but I actually played really well. So that was cool. And the ladies have me pencilled in for another game on Monday. I guess it's a good example of one thing leading to another. I was only playing today cos I mentioned in passing yesterday that I was off today, and Stacey piped up straight away, 'So you'll play tomorrow at 1, will you?' And today's game lead to Monday's. I guess that's what's called being in the flow of life. Thank God for tennis. Absolute lifesaver.

I called home and had a lovely roast lamb dinner at home with my parents. This dinner is normally reserved for Sundays so it was nice to enjoy it today and still have two more days off. We had a cornetto each afterwards for dessert. Lovely. Being at home always helps me.

No wine tonight and I am hoping for a good sleep. I have a wax booked for tomorrow and a mini mani/pedi, so I am trying to look after myself.
 
I second what Cate says - tennis seems so perfect for you. I agree about not eating one's feelings leading to them coming out in the open where you can figure them out and heal. I am doing some of that, too, and it's painful, but then the bag of rocks gets lighter - literally! I really empathize and wish there were more we could do to help. It's so heartwarming every time you talk about going over to your parents'. The food sounds delish and it's so nice hearing how supported you feel there. Great to hear about the nice things you are doing for yourself, too!
 
The tears do sound like they should be a good release...but yeah I do wish you weren't feeling so sad...
But I do think you are doing great continually getting out for tennis, doing those nice things for yourself, visiting your parents etc. Keep up those positive steps!
 
- Thanks Cate. I don't know how popular I am really but it's a great club and most people are kind and happy to play with anyone.
- Thanks Marsia. Maybe each tear is a tiny rock from the bag of rocks. Lol.
- Thanks Liza. I wish I wasn't feeling sad either! It just won't lift.

Today has been an okay day. I haven't exactly been filled with the joys of summer but I did what I could with it. There was meant to be a little birthday thing on tonight but that got cancelled, which was kind of annoying as it's left me at a loose end for the evening. BUT I have two matches to play in a tournament tomorrow so really, it's for the best. I was really tempted to buy wine this evening but it would ruin the day tomorrow if I wake up with even a minor hangover, so I bought some fever tree tonic instead. You can get a pack of 8 mini cans. They give the illusion of having a gin and tonic, so they're kind of taking the edge off.

I got my wax and nails done, my nails look cute, so that's cool. I'm preparing to wear the white dress tomorrow but I have a back-up outfit if I'm not feeling it in the morning. I weighed in at 169.4 today so I'm happy enough with that.

I have a few vouchers for one of the tennis shops, so I went there today, and got a few bits. I told the woman that I had two vouchers and she said, 'Oh, are they from all your winnings?' Lol. One was actually from reaching a final a couple of years ago but the big one was a gift from my parents at Christmas. Anyway, it gave me a boost. I liked the idea of this stranger thinking I'm winning all round me. It might be a good omen.

I have a good feeling about tomorrow, I think I have a good chance of winning at least one of the matches. So hopefully I report back tomorrow night full of jubilance about that, hahaha. It should be a great day anyway, the weather is glorious at the moment.

That's it for now, going to read or watch Netflix for a while and get an early night as I have to be up at 8 tomorrow. Night.
 
I second Cate's sentiments - cheering for you on the Academy Cheer Squad!!! I'm glad you found a nice replacement for alcohol that makes you feel more relaxed and keeps you feeling good for your match. Best of luck🍀 !
 
- I braved it and wore the dress Cate. I think my thighs looked quite strong in it. 🦵It's quite a sexy tennis dress. Lol.
- Thanks Marsia. Yes, I am very grateful that I didn't drink last night because it was a very long day with a lot of driving.
- Thanks Liza. x

Last night, I just COULD NOT GET TO SLEEP. I was still awake at half 2. I set the alarm for 8, but I didn't feel too tired. When you're used to waking up hungover, a shorter night's sleep still doesn't feel too bad. I think I'd be able for the sleep deprivation of a baby, I really do. Anyway, I hope I pass out early tonight. I should because I've been out in the sun all day, I've done a lot of exercise and driving, and I've just eaten a huge pizza. So I really should pass out quite soon once I put my head on that pillow!!

I had a very lovely day, lost all my matches, but the club is far away so it's kind of made my week easier that I don't have to go back there again. I talked to my tennis partner Fiona a bit and I kind of told her I was a bit blue and lonely, which I'm proud of myself for doing. I don't usually admit to people that there's anything wrong. So that was probably a positive from the day. She understood. It's the lack of support when you're a single person that's the hardest. Everyone pairs up and you're left out of the mix. It's not intentional, it just happens. Anyway, there's nothing I can do about my predicament tonight.

What else can I tell you? I gave Dad a Father's Day card that was kind of perfect for him (newspaper, coffee and scone on the front) and he was really touched. The lady I played this morning bought him a coffee and scone (and me) after our game so it was extremely apt! Haha. He also met a woman he played with years ago in a different tennis club so I think that gave him a lift too. He probably had a better day than I did, lol! But anyway, he deserves it. With Mum being the way she is, it is not flipping easy! But I love her anyway. And she's not so bad moodwise I think, compared to this time last year. So that's a positive.
 
Emilyrose said:
- I braved it and wore the dress Cate. I think my thighs looked quite strong in it. 🦵It's quite a sexy tennis dress. Lol.
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Oh, well done, Em!!!
Emilyrose said:
I had a very lovely day, lost all my matches, but the club is far away so it's kind of made my week easier that I don't have to go back there again.
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Good attitude xo
Emilyrose said:
I talked to my tennis partner Fiona a bit and I kind of told her I was a bit blue and lonely, which I'm proud of myself for doing. I don't usually admit to people that there's anything wrong. So that was probably a positive from the day.
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That takes strength & courage, Em. Good for you!
 
Yay to wearing the dress! Sounds like a great day overall. So great you opened up to your tennis partner about what's going on. It's so helpful when we can connect with others about our struggles as well as our happiness. I think that sort of connecting really makes all the difference to whatever we're going through.
I'm glad you got to celebrate your nice dad for father's day--he really does sound great!
 
- Thanks Cate.
- He really is a great dad Liza, thanks.

There's been a minor lift of cloud cover this evening so that's good. I had a really fun tennis game and one of the ladies was saying myself and Stacey were playing well together (we've entered a comp in a few weeks time) and Stacey said, 'Yeah, that's because we get on really well.' That was so sweet! I was really touched, haha. I'm always surprised when people say that they like me. Isn't that terrible?

Anyway, it warmed up my heart a bit and I feel a bit better this evening. I was close to tears on a few occasions in work today but everyone was nice to me and didn't bother me too much and the day went well. So I'm over the hump with that too.

I've decided that I really need to ensure that I am doing something every evening for the time being. Being in the house just does not suit my temperament at the moment. Plus one of my housemates is always here and I just feel kind of depressed living that kind of lifestyle.

My list of activities for this week:
Monday (today) - Tennis
Tuesday - Tennis
Wednesday - Swim
Thursday - Tennis
Friday - Tennis
Saturday - Tennis and swim
Sunday - Run and tennis comp

So yeah, I'm going to do my best to just keep busy until the trees in the woods start to thin out a bit.
 
Thank you, Stacey! I'm the same, Em & yes, it is terrible. We have to try to take on board the kind things & try not to dwell on what people might think of us. I'm glad you had a much better day xo
 
So wonderful Stacey let you know how much she likes you! I am like you and Cate and assume the worst, too. Great you have lots of activities planned so you are out and social. I love hearing about you and your dad doing fun things together. It's just lovely!
 
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