Emily Rose: The Reboot

Emilyrose said:
enjoyed having a handsome Spanish man around the place. Didn't we all!?
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Lol, what is it with you and the Spaniards? We don't have a lot of them in the US, not from Spain. Most migrated to Latin America rather than to the US or Canada. What we do have is a lot of Hispanics from Latin America or the Caribbean, most are a racial mix of European Spanish and Native American, Mestizos. Good people, I have lots of Hispanic friends.
Emilyrose said:
my poor cousin had to go for emergency surgery the other day. She's a young doctor, I feel so sorry for her. Her family is going through a really rough patch. That kind of thing makes you feel lucky to have your health. I've been very lucky so far.
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Sorry to hear that... I think about 50% of health is luck, the other 50% is our making.
Emilyrose said:
I've had the 'Do you have kids?' question twice now in the last week or so, and it's beginning to get to me. Because that starts me down the road of wondering if I will have kids. Have I left it too late? I have no idea what my fertility is like. I feel like if I did decide to have a baby, I'd be fine, but that's just because I have a vision of myself as some kind of gladiator who can do anything if I really want to. Lol. A lot of my friends needed to get IVF. I wonder if all the drinking has affected our generation. Or the food. Or something. I don't know. I guess it's probably age. But anyway, if I do become a mum, I won't be a 'young mum', but, to be honest, I think that's okay. People are living longer than ever nowadays and if I had a kid, I'd hang on till the bitter fucking end. Hahaha.
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Are you contemplating trying? I worked with a woman, about your age, who decided to have children medically, without a father. Or not a known one anyway. She was very determined and worked really hard at motherhood. The kids turned out fine, great in fact. So it is possible, but I suspect harder than getting married and bringing them up jointly.

You know there is nothing at all wrong with not having kids. Lots of good people don't. And so far as the world and environment goes I believe we have too many people already. Best of luck with it!
 
I go for the dark swarthy types too- none of the blue-eyed blondes for me. It must feel frustrating and annoying to be asked if you have children. T, my favourite female doesn't have kids. She & her husband decided very early on that they didn't want them but it must drive her bonkers being asked all the time. I understand why people would choose not to have them but many don't.
I'm glad your work is a bit more interesting at the moment. Hope you enjoy your outings without overdoing it xo
 
I'm one of those--"so glad I didn't have kids!"-people...but yeah lots of options for sure if you do want to have kids...
Emilyrose said:
Maybe we should have organised 'cleaning days' on the forum where we commit to doing certain jobs and then have to report back.
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I could probably benefit from that as well...though I'm not sure I would get my promised cleaning done...
 
- Thanks Rob. I have zero interest in having one on my own, lol. It's the traditional way or nothing. And that's only two Spaniards! Lol. I am a fan of all cultures.
- Thanks Cate. I quite liked the Swedes when I lived there too, so I don't discriminate! Hahaha.
- Thanks Tru, that's a lovely thing to hear. x
- Thanks Liza. It's different for everyone I guess.

Oh God, I seem to be jumping from one crisis into the other and it's very, very tiring. I got a telling off for something in work that happened weeks ago from my manager yesterday and it really got me down. She wasn't too hard on me, and she was right in some ways, but... I don't know. I just feel so angry sometimes and I can't seem to help but get annoyed and that comes back to haunt me. I don't know, my emotions are very strong, and they are all over the place. It's the bag of rocks, you know? Sometimes it's too painful and I end up lashing up. I try really hard not to. Anyway, that doesn't go down well in a small office, so I have to work on it. Sigh. I don't think this makes me a bad person, but I guess people don't like it. And that's fair enough.

Anyway, yeah, that sent me into a bit of a spiral yesterday, so I was very sad in the car driving home after work. It was a friend's birthday, I didn't really feel like going in, but I did and I had a great night. One random man we met in a pub took a real shine to me and followed us to the next pub and was buying me drinks and trying to make me laugh and all sorts of stuff. He told me I had 'weird, intense eyes', which was kind of funny. I was probably still a bit stricken from the unpleasant meeting I'd had that day. But he also said I was 'aesthetically pretty' or something like that, and it gave me a boost. Then he got annoyed with me at the end of the night when I wouldn't go home with him. I was going to give him my number but that didn't seem to be enough for him and he wandered off. Sigh. Anyway, I wasn't head over heels about him, so it was grand. It was still a fun night.

I was out with another lady who's 47, I've met her a few times, she was a friend of the birthday girl, really nice person. She was saying that she'd missed the boat with having kids and she did regret it, so she was telling me if that's what I want, I should focus on that. Anyway, I was saying maybe it's not too late for her, and she was like, 'Well, you know, maybe if I meet someone TONIGHT', and we were kind of laughing. So, at the end of the night, she ended up kissing this absolutely delectable ride of a Mexican man, just super-fine. I was saying to her, 'Well done!!' We left her in his arms so I don't know what happened afterwards, but it was really cool! She was so happy! So I hope to hear what happens next there...

Anyway, that's it really. I have made out a really lovely food plan for tomorrow - super-healthy but not in a depressing way. All really nice food. So I am going to try to stick to that. And not smoke. Let's see how it goes.
 
Emilyrose said:
Oh God, I seem to be jumping from one crisis into the other and it's very, very tiring. I got a telling off for something in work that happened weeks ago from my manager yesterday and it really got me down. She wasn't too hard on me, and she was right in some ways, but... I don't know. I just feel so angry sometimes and I can't seem to help but get annoyed and that comes back to haunt me. I don't know, my emotions are very strong, and they are all over the place. It's the bag of rocks, you know? Sometimes it's too painful and I end up lashing up. I try really hard not to. Anyway, that doesn't go down well in a small office, so I have to work on it. Sigh. I don't think this makes me a bad person, but I guess people don't like it. And that's fair enough.
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Unfounded criticism is unfair, but when you feel that you may be in the wrong somehow that feels even worse.
That guy in the pub sounds a little bit creepy. He got annoyed that you wouldn't go home with him & you'd only just met? Wow! I'm glad you had a fun night xo
 
I have a lot of trouble not getting irritated with people who do weird things to me, and I need to watch my temper, too, so I really empathize. For me it's a matter of feeling like I am not being taken seriously often, so I need to give myself what I need in that regard instead of relying on others to validate my feelings. It's so hard having a challenge like that, but I really see you making a lot of progress. Though we are not perfect, we can give ourselves credit for trying really hard. I'm so glad you had a nice night out despite the guy who obviously just wanted to hook up with someone. Have you considered adopting if you don't find that special someone soon? Here you can adopt a baby whose mother is drug addicted, and if she doesn't get her act cleaned up in a couple of years, she loses the ability to claim the baby, and you can adopt. I know someone who did that twice, and she has a lovely family, and another friend who adopted older kids who is so happy, too. I hope you enjoy your nice healthy food!!
 
Emilyrose said:
Oh God, I seem to be jumping from one crisis into the other and it's very, very tiring.
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Yes, you should probably settle down to just one crisis, LOL
Emilyrose said:
I got a telling off for something in work that happened weeks ago from my manager yesterday and it really got me down. She wasn't too hard on me, and she was right in some ways, but... I don't know. I just feel so angry sometimes and I can't seem to help but get annoyed and that comes back to haunt me. I don't know, my emotions are very strong, and they are all over the place. It's the bag of rocks, you know? Sometimes it's too painful and I end up lashing up. I try really hard not to. Anyway, that doesn't go down well in a small office, so I have to work on it. Sigh. I don't think this makes me a bad person, but I guess people don't like it. And that's fair enough.
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You made the right decision, keeping things happy and not lashing out is best. I suspect the whole thing may have been as much about her and how she felt at the time than you our what you did. I've always liked your "bag of rocks" thing, I have started to use it once in a while. Hope that's not plagiarism or something...
Emilyrose said:
One random man we met in a pub took a real shine to me and followed us to the next pub and was buying me drinks and trying to make me laugh and all sorts of stuff. He told me I had 'weird, intense eyes', which was kind of funny. I was probably still a bit stricken from the unpleasant meeting I'd had that day. But he also said I was 'aesthetically pretty' or something like that, and it gave me a boost. Then he got annoyed with me at the end of the night when I wouldn't go home with him. I was going to give him my number but that didn't seem to be enough for him and he wandered off. Sigh.
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Sounds like another good decision.
Emilyrose said:
I have made out a really lovely food plan for tomorrow - super-healthy but not in a depressing way. All really nice food. So I am going to try to stick to that. And not smoke. Let's see how it goes.
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Hope it goes well, you can do it! We're doing it together.
Emilyrose said:
I have zero interest in having one on my own, lol. It's the traditional way or nothing.
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I have heard that there are dating sites for people who are looking for spouses interested in having children. Is there anything like that in Ireland? At least you would be meeting men with a similar goal to yours that way, maybe a better success rate than in bars? Just a thought, I have less than zero expertise in this area. I do know you are a interesting, intelligent lady, that is a real attractant for some men. And apparently at least one guy, the wrong guy, thinks you are "aesthetically pretty" with "weird, intense eyes" whatever that means.

I am sure you are quite attractive. I know I have never seen you, but I am very sure I would find you beautiful. I can say that because I find all people I like attractive, and I do like you! You have a lot to offer.
Emilyrose said:
And that's only two Spaniards! Lol.
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Something like these two?
https://www.ktnv.com/news/two-spani...ir-mark-on-american-bullfighting-in-las-vegas
 
Glad you had a fun night out after that stressful workday. So good you made yourself go!
Emilyrose said:
I try really hard not to. Anyway, that doesn't go down well in a small office, so I have to work on it. Sigh. I don't think this makes me a bad person, but I guess people don't like it. And that's fair enough.
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That's a really good trait to have--to see where you might be able to improve and be willing to work on it. We all have those things that we need to work on--it of course doesn't make you a bad person at all--just a very human person!

I know I find you wonderfully warm and funny and caring and I'm sure those sides are very apparent in real life as well.
 
- That's not the first time that's happened, Cate! Men of Ireland, have some patience.
- Hi Marsia, no interest in adopting. Well, not on my own at least.
- I'm not sure where the 'bag of rocks' thing came from Rob. I might have stolen it myself I'd say so use it away! Haha. I'm sure there are dating sites like that, Rob. I'm not putting enough energy into it. I want to sort my head out first. But if I met someone naturally that I really liked, I would go for it.
liza3 said:
I know I find you wonderfully warm and funny and caring and I'm sure those sides are very apparent in real life as well.
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- That's so nice Liza, thank you.

Today was kind of a day of two halves. Felt very blue for the first part of the day, just stayed in bed till about 1pm, didn't bother going to the tennis finals, just no energy for anything. I got up eventually and made myself a really nice omelette with tomatoes, peppers, onions, mushrooms and a little bit of basil and cheese! So tasty!! So that kind of cheered me up. I had a nice chat with my housemate this evening and I told her about the work thing and I felt better about it. I rang my parents as well, so that helped too.

For my tea, I had those spinach and ricotta parcels with some tuna, sun-dried tomatoes and mixed leaves. Very simple but filled the gap nicely. So I ate well overall. I did have a latte, a bag of M&Ms and a Mars bar ice cream at various points throughout the day, so it wasn't all fantastic, but it wasn't too bad. The main thing is to start cooking for myself again and get more nutrients in. It makes a huge difference to my mood - just that idea of looking after myself.

Tomorrow is cleaning day and I will go for a run as well. And more cooking! The plan is porridge for breakfast, soup for lunch and a veggie stir-fry for dinner. And no sweets! Let's do it!
 
It's good to see you taking good care of yourself, Em. You must have needed that sleep-in. It's Sunday morning here & I just had porridge. It was so good. Enjoy the rest of your weekend xo
 
Really good omelets make the world feel like a better place! So glad you're focusing on taking care of you and getting good running in, too!
 
- Thanks Cate.
- Thanks Liza. I skipped the run because I wanted to get started on the cleaning earlier. I'm happy with that decision.
- Thanks Marsia. Me too.

Weigh-in today was 169.9 pounds, 39.8% body fat, 25.9 BMI.

Really happy that it's been stable for the last two months. Obviously, I want to push on and lose the next 10 pounds, but to maintain this healthier weight is really fantastic, particularly when I haven't been feeling good and things have been fairly shit in general.

I did well with food today. I had my porridge for breakfast with soya milk, 4 prunes and raisins. That's what my super detox book recommended. It's a nice breakfast, it keeps you going.

For lunch, I had tomato and red pepper soup (shop bought) with a small slice of soda bread and butter.

For dinner, I had a steak with stir-fried veg and black bean sauce with 3 baby potatoes. My skin has been burning since, I think it's all the nutrients.

I did have a packet of crisps and a large bag of Twirl bites today as well, but I'm okay with that. Dad is calling soon and I might have a cup of tea with him but I probably won't be eating more for the rest of the evening.

I also cleaned my room, hoovered the house, and bought two white sports bras that I need for a fancy tournament I'm in next week. It's on grass and you have to wear white. I guess it's the local version of Wimbledon! Hopefully there will be Pimms and some hot men there also, haha! I got a white t-shirt as well. I have this gorgeous white Nike tennis dress that I bought last year online. One of the tennis ladies was wearing it in Wimbledon last year and I just loved it. But I don't know if I'm brave enough to wear it. We'll see. So I have that back-up white t-shirt if not.

Anyway, that's it for today, another week ahead, bleugh.
 
I would love to weigh what you do Em. It's great that you have stayed there for 2 months. Losing a few pounds over the summer would be icing on the cake. I hope you wear that white tennis dress at the weekend & I hope there are lots of hot men to admire you in it. Well done cleaning your room, hoovering the house & eating well xo
 
Yes, nice job on holding that loss steadily! And yay to a good day of healthy choices.
I also hope you wear that tennis dress!
 
- Thanks Cate. I woke up this morning with the sun shining in the window of my beautiful, clean room and I felt at peace. 🧘‍♀️
- The tennis dress is a big deal for me, Liza. I usually hate wearing anything that would draw attention to myself because I feel too fat. Sad really.

I'm feeling a bit emotional this evening. I went to an acting class and it was really good. The teacher was brilliant but sometimes those things kind of expose how uncomfortable I am in my body and myself and I feel worse afterwards for a while. But I do think it's good to explore those sides of yourself and he gave me a lot to think about. He said that he was an engineer and he was suicidal and then he went to acting college and it completely transformed his life. I don't know, sometimes I feel like I really need to blow up my life. I need something to change sooner than later because I really am feeling so lost.

It's so weird, at the start of last year, I was 30 pounds heavier, and I'm thinking to myself, 'How was I coping with that?' And I seemed to be coping with life a lot better, even though I was obese and obviously felt awful in my clothes and all of that stuff. But I didn't have the Sword of Damocles hanging over my head every day the way I do now. I don't know, I guess you solve one problem, others crop up. I guess I could read back here and see what was going on.

Sometimes I do these fun tarot readings to take a mental break at work for 5 minutes and The Hermit was one of the cards that came up in the reading today, and the explanation was that I am lonely and longing for love. I've never felt so lonely in my life. I guess I never really knew what I was missing before, and now I do. And I'm so sad about that.

Anyway, I came home, I didn't pour a glass of 'poor me' wine. Instead, I had a slice of toast with cheese and a cup of tea. Food today wasn't bad really. So I'm keeping on going, just about. :(
 
Emilyrose said:
Thanks Cate. I woke up this morning with the sun shining in the window of my beautiful, clean room and I felt at peace.
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That's great, Em :grouphug:
There is so much in your life that is positive, acting, good friends, good housemates, lovely parents, and stable work..... I went back & read P 201 of your diary, (edit: & then P200) which just happened to be almost exactly a year ago. When you have the time have a read.
Keep open to love & friendship. Get out there in that tennis dress. I'm sure that you would look great in it xo
 
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If you were really going to blow up your life, do you have ideas for what you'd do? I understand about the tennis dress. I have trouble wearing anything too close fitting or short until I am around your weight again. It's hard re-adjusting your image of yourself in your head after you lose weight. I wonder if wearing the tennis dress around the house would help? Glad you skipped the wine and had a nice tea instead. I hope you find ways to feel connected with people soon even if you don't have a boyfriend at that point. I agree with Cate about how many positive things you do with your life already!
 
Your acting class sounds like how therapy would often have me feeling--kind of exposed and vulnerable. I completely agree with the others about the amount of positives in your life. I would be curious to hear as well if you have any ideas of what you would want to pursue if you really went for it...
 
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