Emily Rose: The Reboot

[liza3]

I agree with Marsia--I would let the teacher know beforehand that the reiki can be a bit much for you and ask if you can just step out before that. I like how you want to be too busy for naps--I am always the opposite--always wanting to have plenty of time for naps! I hope some exciting things happen for you

 

[Emilyrose]

- Thanks Cate. It was nice to feel good in my clothes for sure.
- Thanks Marsia. I kind of like doing the reiki part, I think it probably does something for me. Even if I have to suffer a bit for a couple of days. I didn't end up going anyway.
- Thanks Liza, me too.

I binged today. I haven't properly binged in a long time like the way I did today - just 10 minutes in the car, inhaling the food. It makes me sad. And worried, because I definitely don't want to reopen the floodgates on that. But I have been feeling really down and kind of hopeless, if I'm being honest. I'm treading the water but I just feel like I'm getting nowhere. And I'm getting tired of that feeling.

You know how people cut themselves and if you've never cut yourself, you probably can't understand why in the hell people would ever do that to themselves? I'm not a cutter but I understand it. It's that feeling of having so many overwhelming emotions and you just don't know what to do with them. You don't know where to put them. And cutting yourself or overeating or drinking too much or whatever it is just gives you that release. 'Working on yourself' and meditating are a lot more work. That takes time and patience, and sometimes, you've just run out of rope.

Sigh. Sorry to be such a Debbie Downer. I really can't live like this anymore, that's the reality. There's nothing wrong but there's nothing right either. It's a sort of purgatory I'm living in every day. And I don't know how to get out of it.

I've made up my lunch for tomorrow and I have high hopes of eating right all day, going for a walk at lunchtime, going to tennis in the evening, maybe doing some tidying... That's what I want to do tomorrow. But what I end up doing might look nothing like that. I'm letting my emotions dictate my actions for the day rather than the logical side of what I need to do to feel better longterm. It's an exhausting way to live to be constantly arguing with yourself and probably explains the lethargy and sheer exhaustion I've been feeling for a while now.

Anyway, I won't sort out all my problems tonight but I just wanted to share how I'm feeling in an effort to feel slightly better. I'd love an instant cure, I really would.

 

[Cate]

It's that feeling of having so many overwhelming emotions and you just don't know what to do with them. You don't know where to put them.

I understand that feeling, Em
I hope that feeling of limbo changes for you & you can feel like you're moving forward again. I'm glad you feel that you can express yourself to us xo

 

[liza3]

Sending hugs Emily

Sorry to hear about the binge. I think we all slip into unhealthy ways of coping from time to time. Life can be tough and it's hard to always make the healthy choices. Yes I think we would all like the instant cure for all our issues, but I guess it's more of a long-term journey to wellness.

I've made up my lunch for tomorrow and I have high hopes of eating right all day, going for a walk at lunchtime, going to tennis in the evening, maybe doing some tidying

Good for you for continuing to make the healthy plans. I hope at least some of them work out!

 

[Emilyrose]

- Thanks Cate. I think getting all that out yesterday helped a lot.
- Sometimes I really hate this 'journey' thing, Liza!

After my post last night, I did a bit of googling and found a few interesting blog posts on finding your life purpose and getting out of a rut. I quite liked this one: https://markmanson.net/life-purpose

Anyway, I started thinking about what I want my life to look like that doesn't involve waiting for the phone to ring, which is kind of what I'm doing with regards to everything right now. So I've made out a bit of a plan.

1. First of all, I want to get to a healthy body fat percentage and BMI. I am so close to this, and a few months of focus would get me there. I haven't weighed in a few days and I don't really want to tomorrow because I'm probably up a few pounds due to all the bad eating, but I'm hardly back up to 200 pounds again. So now is really the time to do a little bit more work in this area and be back in the green for all areas.
2. Once the above is achieved, there is an audition tape that I've been putting off doing because I didn't feel like I looked good, and let's face it, my chances of getting picked for something bigger than what I've been doing go up massively if I look healthy and fit. So once I hit the target above, I want to record this video and submit it. The aftermath of that will be waiting for the phone to ring unfortunately, but at least I have my hat in the ring and given myself the best chance.
3. In terms of paid work, I have two good reasons to stay in the job at least for the rest of this year. So I just want to try to do a good job for the next while and try to keep my spirits up, even though enthusiam has been waning. But the reasons to stay are good ones. Well, one in particular. So I need to keep that in my head if I have an off day. It has been better the last few weeks though.
4. I want to start looking after my home a bit better. My room is just in carnage at the moment, and I just need to start looking after my personal space and my things a bit more. I would also like to do a deep clean of the house. We've loads of crap in the cupboards in the kitchen downstairs, it would be great to get them cleared out. That could be a good summer project. But getting the basics right first will be a start.
5. Obviously, besides food, the cigarettes are still a huge thing. I'm setting a quit date for 1st June, with a few exceptions for parties and stuff for the rest of the year. I'm working on getting the food and exercise right for the next 10 days, and if I manage that, it might give me the confidence to finally quit. This one will be the most challenging. There are Allen Carr courses up in Dublin from time to time that I could potentially attend. But wouldn't I rather just quit myself and spend the 320 euro it would cost me to attend on clothes? Haha. Anyway. Let's leave this one till June.

I feel like all the above is stuff I can really control. I haven't added exercise in here because I'm doing that anyway. It's included in 1, I guess. I haven't added stuff about friends and things because all of the above will take huge effort and I need to focus on sorting my shit out first. But I think working more on my friendships is something I need to consider also once I am in a better place myself.

That's it for now. Just one thing about my day - a really good player said to me today that he thinks myself and William have a great chance of winning the upcoming tournament. I don't agree but I had to smile at his faith in us! It was sweet.

 

[Cate]

Interesting article, Em & I love your plan. Maybe that really good player knows what he's talking about. Go the Academy!

 

[liza3]

Nice to see all those clear goals Emily. It is so good to make those goals around stuff you can control instead of waiting for the phone to ring as you say. The great thing is too is that you are building on stuff you already have in place, so it's not like you are starting from scratch. I liked the article too. I was trying to think of anything I would find myself so engrossed in that i would miss a meal and I couldn't think of anything, but then I realized it would probably be the garden!

 

[Marsia]

Love your goals, and I really hope you have fun making a new audition tape when you are feeling good about your body. It's so good thinking about all the things you can control. I really need to do that at the moment, so thanks for spotlighting this!

 

[Emilyrose]

- Haha, it gave me a boost, Cate. I told William too so now we have that picture in our heads. You never know!
- Yeah, that was a great question, Liza. Gardening is a good one. I think for me, it would be writing perhaps, or getting stuck into something for work. But it doesn't happen too often anymore.
- Hi Marsia. Yes, I spend FAR too much time thinking about the things I can't control - i.e. other people. So I'm trying to take back some power.

Well, I feel good about myself today! I donated blood, I've finally done something useful with my time!

It was so funny, my iron level is 15.2, which is on the high side for women, and the lady who interviewed me before being allowed to donate was saying, 'Wow, you must eat a really good diet, a lot of meat and vegetables.' I was like, 'Not really, just genetics', knowing how awful my diet is in general, considering the fact that I am 38 years of age. Christ. BUT, it was kind of encouraging as well, because like, I'm really healthy, despite playing Russian roulette with my health every day, and, I don't know, it makes me think that if I even did a month of healthy eating, I would look and feel so fucking fantastic in such a short amount of time. But, that's the problem, isn't it? When you are 'getting away with it', to a certain extent, there's no impetus to change. Not that I am entirely getting away with it. My skin is really bad, I have a big belly, and my hair is dry and thin, so, you know, there are signs of damage there. BUT, to get that kind of an iron count and a comment like that has given me a huge boost and is encouraging me to actually try to eat more meat and vegetables and see what wonders happen! Haha.

But yeah, the whole experience of giving blood was great. The nurses working there were so lovely and full of the chats. One lady was saying that some people's pulses are really soft and hard to find (mine) and that there are some huge strong men that come in with the gentlest little pulse. Then other people have this really strong, throbbing pulse that almost jumps out at you. That sounds quite erotic, but you know what I mean. I thought that was quite interesting.

Work went great today, I was kept going all day, got a really good price for an upcoming job, and I'm really on top of things. Delighted.

Not a huge amount planned for the weekend but I have tennis on Saturday at 7 and again on Sunday at 12, so that will keep me going. I feel like there's something I'm forgetting that I need to do in there. Oh yeah, I was going to try to follow this healthy eating plan in one of the many food books I have. It's a 10-day plan and it might be nice to just follow a subscribed plan without having to think about it. My fears around that are that changing my diet dramatically will lead to too much toilet time, and I just need to be able to function normally, so I'm not sure about it. But I might attempt to do it on Sunday and see how that goes. My stomach is just so sensitive, so a huge shift in what I'm eating can often lead to disaster...

Anyway, I'm in good form. Maybe I need to get involved in some community work because thinking about something other than my own troubles has really helped me today. And you guys always help too. xxx

 

[Cate]

Oh, Em. You made me laugh with throbbing pulses that almost jump out at you. SO erotic! I bet the nurses would get a laugh at that too. They are wonderful here too. I miss giving blood. It felt like a tangible good thing to do. G is back to donating blood again after his 5-year cancer all clear.
You could make up your own healthy eating plan that involves simple things that you know your stomach will cope with. I'm sure you could do it.
You are in good form. Sometimes the little things add up to make us feel good. I thought of you last night while watching a live show. G's brother was in The Full Monty. It was excellent! You would have loved it.

 

[Marsia]

That is really funny about the throbbing pulses. I agree with Cate. I like to look at food plans and modify them to what is actually in my fridge and cupboards, which is what isn't hard on my stomach, too. Also I hope you remember to stop and celebrate how wonderful it is that you are keeping so much weight off. I know there are other things you want to work on, too, but I hope you don't overlook how good it feels to take care of yourself as far as eating good portion sizes, like how giving blood feels good. I really think we need to condition ourselves to like taking care of ourselves because somehow that got lost in modern civilization for a lot of people.

 

[liza3]

I love that giving blood was such a fun little outing for you, complete with a good laugh! Who knew giving blood could be so fun
Nice to get that boost too about how healthy you must be--you do sound really healthy to me when I read about all you do here. That's great that you are looking to continue to build on that. Anyway, lovely to hear you feeling chipper!

 

[Emilyrose]

- Cate, with all this talk of throbbing pulses, I would definitely have enjoyed The Full Monty! That's cool that G's brother acts.

I really think we need to condition ourselves to like taking care of ourselves because somehow that got lost in modern civilization for a lot of people.

- I've been mulling over this sentence for most of the day, Marsia, such a great observation! You're really clued into things.

I love that giving blood was such a fun little outing for you, complete with a good laugh! Who knew giving blood could be so fun

- Liza, I was telling one of the girls who was taking out the needle at the end that giving blood was a highlight of a Covid week for me because I got to see and talk to different people! It truly was. They had one of them in a hotel nearby one week and it was amazing to be in a hotel again and to just chitter chatter away afterwards.

Anyway, lovely to hear you feeling chipper!

I used to be able to laugh at life all the time! I've gotten so serious, it's so annoying. Hopefully, I can find that exuberence that I used to have again.

My mum is a nurse and she always said that itching in the body is a sign of healing. The place where the needle prodded my skin yesterday is starting to itch. My mum is so wise, lol. I have always thought my parents are genuinely nice people. I mean, they both have their failings, but you know how in therapy, the counsellor always wants to blame everything on your parents for why you ended up in whatever current mess you're in? You see, I don't think that's the case with me. I think the problem is that I had such a happy, safe cocoon with maybe overly-indulgent parents, that when I went out into the real world, I got a bit of a shock. But, if you knew me, and if you knew my parents, I don't think they could have done any better really.

I have questioned them both on what I was really like as a kid and they both said I had a placid temperament, I wasn't a crier, and I loved being around people and was a happy baby. So, nothing wrong with me then. But I guess I am just trying to figure out the root cause of this kind of sadness and yearning for love since I've been an adult.

I guess what I find so sad about my life is that I have no excuse really to be this unhappy!!! It really irritates me that there's no rhyme or reason to have such self-destructive qualities. You know, I had an interesting moment today in work where I was blathering on about something, and I got the impression I was really annoying the colleague that took the credit for my work a few weeks ago, and I just continued on being myself. Lol. And that felt good. God, I don't want to be an annoying person that has no idea of how to read a room, I really don't. I don't have that problem really. But, if you can read a room really well, because you needed to develop that skill when you were young because you were so unpopular, it's really hard to turn that part of your brain off and just be. And it's exhausting to constantly monitor yourself all the time.

I made that comment on Marsia's diary earlier - we're human 'beings'. The being part and not achieving or winning or striving is hard sometimes. I feel lost lately because I don't have enough adjectives in my life. And getting comfortable with being is such a long journey. My God.

 

[Cate]

- Cate, with all this talk of throbbing pulses, I would definitely have enjoyed The Full Monty! That's cool that G's brother acts.

Oh, Em. You would have loved it! I just rang a much older widowed friend who is quite naughty & said she would love it & to please go. Hopefully, she'll ring her daughter or a friend to go with her. G's brother is very talented. He played Jean Val Jean in Les Miserables years ago & was wonderful.

 

[liza3]

I really like your thoughtful posts Emily--I sure can hear the writer/artist in you. You're a deeply feeling person. I don't have any answers of course, as I am here on the long journey as well...but it is nice to share some of the journey with you at least.

I was thinking about the whole 'life as a journey' thing the other day and I was thinking of how sometimes it feels like an intense climb up a mountain or something when the hard times hit. But then we might come across a lovely meadow time, or maybe a beautiful mountain lake, or maybe even a nice little hut where we can stay and rest ourselves a bit before carrying on...anyway, I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here...just rambling a bit I guess...but I am glad you have so much good in your life that you do seem to really appreciate!

 

[Emilyrose]

- Wow, Jean Valjean is a fantastic role. He must be really good, Cate!
- That's a really thoughtful post, Liza, thank you for that.

It's been raining here all day so I'm taking it easy. I did get an email I've been putting off writing sent off this morning, so that's one thing off the list. I also had to sort out a prescription at the pharmacy and renew my library membership, so all those little jobs are done. Tomorrow, I want to tidy my room. I actually think it seems in a worse state than it actually is and it won't take me too long once I get down to it. I badly need to put on a wash too but I only have tennis for an hour in the afternoon so I have all day really.

I nearly made a big purchase of a new laptop today because this is the first month in a long time that I have a bit of extra money in my account just before I get paid again next week. So that's exciting! But, I was kind of swept up in the reduced sale price of the laptop, without realising it's not a brand I like. I want to get another HP again, as this one has lasted nearly 10 years I'd say, which is great. It's at the end of the road but I've deleted programmes and I'm trying to get another bit of time out of it! Anyway, the price was adding up because I had to get a security programme put on, which was an extra 140 euro, and I just bowed out and told the guy I was starting to panic slightly and I wasn't going to go ahead. He was nice about it, to be fair, even though he'd got the laptop out for me and everything. What a relief! So, I'm going to go to a different store and get a HP one probably at the end of next month. I'll have a bit more left in the card then I would imagine and I will know about the extras too.

I just made another call there that had to get done so I've been fairly productive today, despite being a bit tired. I'm not allowing myself to nap today because I want to go to bed early and have a good sleep tonight. I got a good book out of the library - Breaking Point by Edel Coffey, so I might read that or watch something on Netflix for the rest of the evening. I'm going to try to watch more feel-good or inspirational stuff, as sometimes those kinds of shows or documentaries can be very invigorating. So many Hollywood films are just so shite and add nothing to your evening. So yeah, that's it for today.

Tomorrow is clean-up day and some cooking and an overall healthy day planned.

 

[Marsia]

...you know how in therapy, the counsellor always wants to blame everything on your parents for why you ended up in whatever current mess you're in? You see, I don't think that's the case with me. I think the problem is that I had such a happy, safe cocoon with maybe overly-indulgent parents, that when I went out into the real world, I got a bit of a shock. But, if you knew me, and if you knew my parents, I don't think they could have done any better really.

I have questioned them both on what I was really like as a kid and they both said I had a placid temperament, I wasn't a crier, and I loved being around people and was a happy baby. So, nothing wrong with me then. But I guess I am just trying to figure out the root cause of this kind of sadness and yearning for love since I've been an adult.

I guess what I find so sad about my life is that I have no excuse really to be this unhappy!!! It really irritates me that there's no rhyme or reason to have such self-destructive qualities. You know, I had an interesting moment today in work where I was blathering on about something, and I got the impression I was really annoying the colleague that took the credit for my work a few weeks ago, and I just continued on being myself. Lol. And that felt good. God, I don't want to be an annoying person that has no idea of how to read a room, I really don't. I don't have that problem really. But, if you can read a room really well, because you needed to develop that skill when you were young because you were so unpopular, it's really hard to turn that part of your brain off and just be. And it's exhausting to constantly monitor yourself all the time.

I made that comment on Marsia's diary earlier - we're human 'beings'. The being part and not achieving or winning or striving is hard sometimes. I feel lost lately because I don't have enough adjectives in my life. And getting comfortable with being is such a long journey. My God.

I love this post so much! You have really synopsized what existential humanistic psychology is in a half a page!! We are human beings with feelings and a need for connection, and our faults are just our less skillful attempts to feel whole and happy, and it's not about doing more or being perfect or being acceptable, it's just about simply being and self acceptance. Yes, there are therapists who go straight for blaming the parents, but there are so many other types of therapy now. Also, I think the parent blamers are sloppily examining how you formed your sense of yourself as a person from early childhood experiences, and parents are examined in great detail in that model of therapy because your first 7 years are shown to be the most formative, and the roles you assume in your family and what they model really influence how you treat yourself and hence how you treat others, as well. So I am not discounting the parent blamers' emphasis on early childhood, but what good does it do to blame someone's parent? It did me a little good to see that my parents were a mess, but beyond seeing that I didn't need to take them so seriously because they aren't good role models, I don't think that is a good way to help someone figure out what they want to do with their life and how to go about that.

Also, I hope you don't think you need an excuse to feel sad. Usually people turn to distractions like cigarettes and alcohol when their feelings feel a bit overwhelming or too confusing to sort out (and the Jungians believe that reaching for addictive substances is a sign that one is in spiritual crisis). It's really, really normal to feel bad if you wanted to have a family of your own at this point in your life, and you aren't meeting someone who you would want to settle down with. It's normal to have a hard time adjusting to things being less social after the Covid mess. It's normal to want a job where people see how much you care and how much you put into your work. I really think you are going through an existential crisis, and that is a process people go through who (if they work through it) then reach a level of integrating their life's knowledge into wisdom. It feels like a curse, but is really a sign that your higher self wants you to reach psychological maturity and is making you feel your painful feelings and learn how to care for them and have the self knowledge necessary to become a whole person who is really in touch with themselves. Current technological society tends toward a pill to make all symptoms go away, a machine to do all of the work, a computer to calculate the hard equations, but people used to know that working through excruciatingly hard things makes us way, way stronger.

"I feel lost lately because I don't have enough adjectives in my life." This is one of the most beautiful sentences, ever!!

 

[liza3]

Sounds like you made really good use of that rainy day! I hope your clean-up day goes well. I seem to keep falling back behind on mine and it's exhausting!

 

[Cate]

Wow, Jean Valjean is a fantastic role. He must be really good, Cate!

He is Em. I think he could have made a career out of acting and singing if he had started earlier.
Your weekend sounds like a good balance of being productive & doing some nice, relaxing things. I love my HP laptop. I don't think I will read that book, but I'm interested to hear what you think.
@Marsia I love your post in Em's diary!
"I feel lost lately because I don't have enough adjectives in my life." This is one of the most beautiful sentences, ever!!

 

[Emilyrose]

- Wow, what an amazing post, Marsia. Thank you. x
- Thanks Liza. The clean-up didn't happen but we have a 3-day weekend coming up so I will have to do it then.
- I read the book in a day, Cate. It wasn't half as depressing as I thought it would be. Worth checking out.

I had a really nice evening tonight, very inspiring stuff, but I am still very blue. Although, there was one of the most gorgeous guys I've seen in a while at the meeting I was at, which gave me a tiny bit of a boost. Just so handsome. At one stage, he was talking to me and he spat on me by accident and apologised. I'm taking that as a good sign, lol!

I went for a really quick lie-down after work because I didn't have much time before I had to go out again. I only had 30 minutes - and I managed to go to sleep. I don't think that's normal like! I'm a bit wired now after the meeting (and Mr Gorgeous) but I really must not be getting enough sleep. It feels like I'm always in bed but I think it's probably taking me too long to shut off after the day and maybe 7 hours is not enough for me anymore. Maybe I really do need 8.

I have tennis for two hours after work tomorrow and exercise in the evening tends to knock me out a bit, so hopefully I'll have an earlier night then. Work is a bit busy but at least the days are going quickly.

I got a text today that my blood has already been donated to a hospital, which is great news! I must be healthy, hahaha! But yeah, that was cool, to think it was used today. I might have saved a life and not even know it. Definitely one of my favourite things to do.

I have to meet a friend on Wednesday unexpectedly and I'm working from home on Thursday, so I might have a few sneaky drinks with him. I haven't gone out for drinks in a while mid-week so it might be nice, and is unlikely to escalate. I just need to try to create some moments of joy if I can.

When am I going to start feeling better? I'm bored of this existential crisis, I really am. It's dragging on.