Emily Rose: The Reboot

yeah it's interesting to see where all this technology stuff will go. I know for myself I never took much of it on--i keep that very minimal in my life and spend way more time amongst trees and gardens etc..i think some people will come to see that tech just can't replace real life like that, but yeah some people already seem to live so much of their time attached to devices...

Enjoy that freezing dip if you can get to the point of submerge!
 
- Nothing exciting has happened yet, Cate. Maybe I was wrong, haha. Or maybe I just have to wait for the dust to settle.
- All those ideas sound great, Marsia. Maybe you should find a developer to make one of them for you and become an entrepreneur!
- I chickened out, Liza. If the weather warms up a small bit more, I'll attempt it again.

Weight holding firm at 168.5 today, which is fantastic, as my diet hasn't been great. Body fat 39.7% so there's still a ways to go with that. Also, I think the Fitbit body fat isn't that accurate and runs a bit high, but anyway. It's still a good indicator. I definitely feel like my metabolism is the fastest it's ever been, which is fab! I thought I'd be happier in general, haha. Those damn goalposts always changing!

I had a very interesting moment at the tennis court the other day. One lady who hadn't seen me in a while was genuinely shocked at my weight loss! She was like, 'Wow, you've lost so much weight!' And I was like, 'Yeah, stress!' That's only part of it really. Then another woman was asking me how much I lost but I kind of evaded the question because it was starting to get annoying. There's a very interesting thing in 'girl world' where if you suddenly lose weight or start to look good, you get all this unasked for attention, and you're suddenly worthy of being taken notice of again.

What I mean by the above is that it is sad to only place your value in yourself in what you weigh, but when you do lose weight, it's hard not to do that, because you can see how much it is 'valued' by society. I've tortured myself for years over my weight and that day, I remembered why. It was a huge thing in college. It really messed me up.

I think, for me, there was definitely a shift at some point when I decided that I couldn't hide myself away anymore just because I was overweight, because I was missing everything. I still do that when it comes to men, but for everything else, I haven't been in the shadows for a long time. And, you know, that feels good. But I do feel uncomfortable with the difference in treatment depending on how much you weigh.

Anyway, the great thing is that I am looking fab! Even though I feel terrible and lonely and completely at sea, I am so close to a healthy weight and that really is something to be proud of, because it's been this anchor around my neck for so long. Hmm, I wonder if that contradicts what I've just said in the previous paragraph. Well, not really, because that was more about not hiding away and still trying to enjoy things. Now, I'm just embracing having all my clothes fit me better (or look too big for me) and being able to wear my nice tennis clothes and feel good. I mean, I'm not stopping where I am, because to be honest, my diet is still pretty bad - I'm just lucky that I have lost interest in eating excess sweets, which is really why I have lost so much. Or eating very much at all at times. But that's not great either. I just want to work now on eating the right things and maybe losing another 10 or 20 pounds. But it's so exciting that it's such a manageable number now.

I'm back in the tennis fold and it is the only thing keeping me going right now, aside from the weight loss. Work is fine as well but I just have no energy or concentration for it, so every day is a challenge. I've lost hope and I've lost my purpose and that is truly worrying. I've always had this innate belief that everything I want is just within reach and my life is going to work out just the way it's meant to and it will suddenly all make sense. That belief is wavering, I have to say. And that has made me incredibly sad, a sadness I've never had before. All I want to do is to go to bed. Every opportunity I have to go to bed, I am taking recently. It's a bit worrying. But, as I said, the tennis is helping and I'm playing a lot in the next few days, so it will keep me going to some extent. I just hope I get out of this existential crisis soon because it's really difficult to function. I've been like this for months and that is really why I've lost so much weight, if I'm being honest about things. Anyway.
 
Emilyrose said:
There's a very interesting thing in 'girl world' where if you suddenly lose weight or start to look good, you get all this unasked for attention, and you're suddenly worthy of being taken notice of again.
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It's sad, isn't it? The same thing happened to me when I lost a lot of weight years ago. People who had ignored me until then now fawned over me. I found it very irritating. The ones who quietly gave me compliments made me feel good.
I think it's wonderful that you are happy with how you look, Em. That is what matters. Becoming healthier is a good goal no matter what weight we are.
Feeling sad so often & wanting to sleep so much doesn't sound good, Em. Would you consider seeing a doctor & trying anti-depressants for a while? I saw a psychologist years ago & felt much better for it.
 
When I am getting depressed, I try to slow down and really enjoy what is in front of me more instead of getting more active and in fix-it mode. I view it as a sign to turn inward and to slow down and bodily feel more so I can get my radar back of what's genuinely feeling good for me in the moment, and what's just my thoughts saying that something is going to be good for me, but instead just feels empty. Going through this divorce (and daily recognition of yet another way my partner was a crazy person who messed my kid up) I love to lay in bed and feel the covers and to relax my body. I try to be in bed in a way where I am more present and have an enjoyment of relaxing instead of simply escaping into being comatose. If I am sleeping too much where I just feel blah, I try to exercise more and get back a feeling of feeling alive, and to get back to sleep as a restorative instead of a sort of stale-feeling escape. Not that I'm great at working my way out of the blues, but that's my process.

I totally agree with you and Cate about how annoying it is how people treat you differently depending on how you look. I'd occasionally get construction workers cat calling at me when I was young and skinny which upset me to the point that I would overeat for weeks after that. I have realized that these people are not seeing me as a person and I don't need to take them seriously.

It's good to hear you are back in the tennis fold! I hope you get in lots of games!!
 
Congrats on the continued weight loss. I think it's hard to find an accurate measure of body fat, but yeah it's good to have some numbers to sort of work with to give you an indication of where things are going. I just use on online calculator with measurements, and there, depending on the calculator I use, I get quite a range...

I am really sorry to hear you are continuing to go through such a rough time. I would definitely consider a counsellor to talk some of this out with. I do think it's great you are getting out for the tennis. So good on so many levels for the brain I think.
 
- Hi Cate. I'm not really in favour of anti-depressants or counselling really. I'll truck on.
- Thanks Marsia, I am playing most days, so it is keeping me going.
- Thanks Liza. I went to a counsellor once before years ago and it didn't do a thing for me. Hmm. We'll see.

I'm out of Slumpville today because I am absolutely boiling over with rage. Is that better than being lethargic and depressed? I don't know but it's kind of got me out of the numb feeling at least. I have something worth fighting for again.

Basically, someone in the office who I thought was on my side took credit for my work this week and I am so pissed off. Like, it's one of the most blatant examples I've ever encountered of taking credit for an idea that was not yours. I said it to her and got no satisfaction from the answer. No apology or 'I didn't realise' blah blah. Just defensive and not budging. I am so angry. So yeah, that woke me up a little bit, because as bad as things are, if I have a great idea that makes someone's life easier, I want to get the credit for that. And I certainly don't want someone else to get the credit and not give me any acknowledgment whatsoever.

What's my next move? The default move was to look for jobs immediately but I'm a bit trapped where I am at the moment for a number of reasons. Then I was just going to hand in my notice but I have too many bills. Now I think the best revenge is a life well lived, so I'm going to forget about it and do the best job I can and show them all up. Hahaha. But yeah, in a weird way, maybe it will motivate me a bit more again. Because, even though I've been in the pits of despair, I still had a good enough idea this week that someone tried to steal it as their own! So, you know, that can only give me confidence in myself. Lol.

I really am in shock over it, to be honest. Absolutely pathetic behaviour. Maybe I need to be more cutthroat in general and that's why I struggle so much in life, but I would never, ever do that. Maybe because I don't need to. Ugh.

I also got a really shitty email from someone in the drama group today that I think has a bit of an issue with me at times, so that was another nail in my coffin. Again though, maybe I need this drama to get me stimulated and fighting. The email wasn't really directed at me, but still. I didn't like it.

Tomorrow I have tennis, a meeting and then I will probably watch Eurovision. Ireland are in the final for the first time in 6 years. We have a witch representing us. The song is out there but I thought the performance was electric. If we won again, the whole country would go insane. Lol.

Loving this at the moment:
 
I just listened to 30 seconds of the Irish entry. Ouch. At least Ireland has made it into the finals. Australia's entry was very underwhelming.
It's a sign that you still have enough faith in humanity that someone stealing your idea & passing it on as hers shocked you. Have a lovely weekend, Em. Do something nice xo
 
That really sucks about someone stealing credit for your work! Not fun when you feel you can't trust your coworkers.
I hope the tennis works to get some of that frustration out!
 
I hate work drama so much. It's good you can let it go and know not to trust that person again. I'd be so pissed, too. Hugs! Are you doing any fun projects with the drama group? Glad you are getting in a lot of tennis, and I agree with Liza about smashing the ball a bunch to get out the frustration.
 
- I do still have faith in humanity Cate but this one has really pulled the rug out from under me!
- Thanks Liza. Tennis is definitely helping. And the fine weather.
- Hi Marsia. The thing is, I like trusting people, so this has really upset me. Hmm.

I weighed in today at 170.1 at 39.7% body fat, so I have to keep an eye on it. I really want to keep the weight loss going. I have noticed a lot of stretch marks on my stomach now since I lost the weight, which is not fun. But still, I am glad to have the really bad weight off. But I want a completely rockin' bod, even if it's just for a short period of time. I just want to know what that feels like.

Food today was good for half the day but went a bit off kilter as the day dragged on. I wasn't in great form all day but I played two hours of tennis this evening and that helped. I did put on a wash and cook a really healthy dinner so it was a fairly productive day, but still. Anyway, I got through it.

I have massive anxiety about work tomorrow - just dreading it. I really hate not getting on with people and I hate that this has happened. I've calmed down a bit about it but I just feel let down. Not much I can do about it now. I guess I'll just have to try to forgive and forget. But I'll be a little more cautious going forward. Which is a shame because that takes so much energy. Ugh.

Not much else to speak about really. I had a really lovely day yesterday and spent lots of time with really lovely people, so it kind of restored my faith in humanity a little bit. The barman at the pub we were in bought me and my two friends a round of drinks, so that was lovely. I watched the Eurovision with my parents but got kind of tired and listened to the voting on the radio on the way back to my own place. It was mostly terrible, lol.

I have a very busy week - tennis nearly every evening, which is probably what I need now to keep my mood somewhat regulated. I was thinking that about myself today - I find it very difficult to regulate my mood. And there's a real lack of exciting things coming up that I need in my life to keep me interested. So I might have to look into how I can change that. We'll see how the week goes, I guess. Fingers crossed for tomorrow for starters. I'm trying to manifest a heartfelt apology but I think that would only be in my dreams! Hahaha.
 
I like that you still have faith in humanity & want to trust people. I'm the same in that way. When people let you down like that it is so disappointing. Hold onto that faith Em. It would be lovely to get a heartfelt apology but most people don't seem able to provide them. Mostly they try to pretend it never happened.
I hope you have a much better week & enjoy your tennis xo
 
Emilyrose said:
I wasn't in great form all day but I played two hours of tennis this evening and that helped. I did put on a wash and cook a really healthy dinner so it was a fairly productive day,
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That does sound like a really great, well-balanced day!

I hope that once you got to work, your anxiety settled. Never fun when those things happen but letting it go and moving on does seem like the best move.
 
I'm glad you can have a sense of humor about the person at work. I'm glad you are not letting them change how you feel about people in general, too. It's great you can do a lot of tennis and purge all the stress. I hope you find good, exciting new things to do, too!!
 
- Thanks Cate. I've thawed out.
- Thanks Liza. It took until Wednesday but I've forgotten about it.
- Thanks Marsia, me too!

I've been feeling a lot better this week. Like, nothing has changed in my life and my behaviour isn't any better than it was last week, but I've been a lot more focused and my head isn't as busy. Which is a relief because I like going into work and getting through my tasks and feeling like I'm on top of things. I got through a huge slog of work last Friday and on Monday too, and things have been way better since then. Just stuff I'd been putting off, and of course, it wasn't so bad once I sat down and did it. So it's great to be in better form, at least while I'm in the office.

Not much tennis played this week for various factors, but I have a game lined up for tomorrow and Sunday, so that should be nice. I played for two hours last Sunday, and by the second hour, I was playing really well, so there's hope that I can also get back into good form on the tennis court too. Regardless, I'm enjoying being back anyway.

I'm meeting a friend for lunch tomorrow, which will be nice. He's in great form because he has an exciting project coming up, and that kind of humour is infectious, so I'm looking forward to meeting him, as I know he will be in great spirits! I can catch some of it, I hope.

I called out to Mum and Dad last night. I was a bit tired and cranky but we had a nice chat all the same. My dad told a story about something that happened years ago that he had never told my mother! I was amazed. Lol. If I ever get married, they will know every detail of everything that happens to me. Good or bad, the whole lot!! I want to be with someone I can really talk to.

I was thinking about the kind of person I am during the week (I mean, I think about that a lot) and I really need to meet someone who is just all in with me. It has to be a kind of all-consuming love. I don't mean in a jealous, possessive, negative way. But they just have to be ALL. IN. I like to think that everyone who gets married has that sort of relationship, but I don't know. I don't even know if my parents are happy together, to be honest. They've both been through a lot together and both been very ill at various points, and I guess they've looked after each other through all that. So that definitely counts for a lot.

But yeah, I guess the man I want to be with is someone who will support me, be honest with me, be someone I can trust completely, make me want to be the best version of myself and be really passionate and romantic about me. I'm writing this out in the hope of MANIFESTING. You know how I operate at this stage. ;)
 
Glad things are feeling better again this week Emily!
Good to have a vision of the kind of relationship you are looking for. It's good to be clear about stuff like that. And, yes, MANIFEST!
 
Emilyrose said:
But yeah, I guess the man I want to be with is someone who will support me, be honest with me, be someone I can trust completely, make me want to be the best version of myself and be really passionate and romantic about me. I'm writing this out in the hope of MANIFESTING. You know how I operate at this stage. ;)
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Hallelujah!!! I hope you find each other soon! I hope your friend's enthusiasm does rub off on you and that your head keeps getting more clear and spacious. I love this quote by Joseph Campbell, "The best we can do is to lean toward the light." We can't always control what happens, just our reactions to that, and that helps us mature and be happy regardless of circumstance if we're lucky. I think you're doing great in that department. Happy tennis practice, too!
 
I'm glad you had a better work week, Em & I hope your lunch with your friend is enjoyable.
Emilyrose said:
But yeah, I guess the man I want to be with is someone who will support me, be honest with me, be someone I can trust completely, make me want to be the best version of myself and be really passionate and romantic about me. I'm writing this out in the hope of MANIFESTING. You know how I operate at this stage. ;)
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I hope you find that lovely man, Em :grouphug:
 
- Thanks Liza.
- Thanks Marsia, that's a lovely quote.
- Thanks Cate.

I played a lot of tennis today and it's very warm so it's knocked it out of me a bit. I do have that lovely summery feeling that you get after a day in the sunshine, so hopefully that will stand to me this week. It was nice to be outside for a lot of the day and I wore my cap and suncream so I don't think I got burnt. My face is a bit red but it should be okay.

I am dying for something exciting to happen - a new project, some exciting news, ANYTHING! My life feels like its in stasis at the moment. Ugh. My phone has been dead all day, so sad. :( The tournaments are kicking off in June again, which adds a bubble of excitement to the week, and I have a few birthday nights out, but still. It's only the 19th of May. I'm barely hanging on here. Going for naps has become a regular occurrence. I want to not have time for that again.

Anyway, hopefully things will pick up a bit. I wore a cute skirt into town yesterday that fits me again and I got a few looks, so you know, that was nice. Hahaha. I also have this rust-coloured jacket that I bought probably years ago that I could never fit into. I'm nearly fitting into it! It's a bit snug if you button it but if I leave it open with a black t-shirt, it looks really nice. Rust/orange is not a colour I ever wear, but it's kind of cute! So I might whip that out for work on Tuesday. Anything to try to keep my mood up a bit.

There's a meditation group on tomorrow that I've signed up for. I'm a bit wary because they do this reiki healing thing at the end and every time I go to it after a long break, my stomach is upset for days. It's the strangest thing. I mean, I wasn't sure if I really believed in that stuff but there must be something in it if I feel ill afterwards? So yeah, I'll see how I feel tomorrow and if I feel like it will too much, I will skip it. But I do want to go because my heart needs a bit of a healing.

It's nearly 8pm now but I won't be able to sleep till later cos I took so many naps today. I might try to find something on Netflix. I finished Baby Reindeer on Friday, great show!
 
It must have felt good to fit into that cute skirt again, Em & to get some admiring looks. Good on you! I'm glad the academy is up & running again. Feeling tired after exercise is a good kind of tiredness. Hope you sleep well & your working week is a good one xo
 
So lovely being able to fix in those nice clothes again. I love that feeling. I hope if things don't get more interesting soon that you'll make your own excitement, maybe plan a holiday or fun outing with friends or go visit someone in a far off place? The meditation class sounds nice. Could you ask the teacher if you can skip the reiki if you are not feeling up to it? It seems a shame to miss the whole class because of some other technique she does at the end which might be too much for you. I'm with Cate about the academy being fired up again. It's great you are taking good care of yourself out in the summery sunshine!!
 
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