Emily Rose: The Reboot

Intelligence combined with humour is a great combination, Em.
Emilyrose said:
I might start writing out the positive things from my day again,
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I think this is a wonderful idea. I have a diary that is just for the good things. I must add to it more often. There are so many good things to celebrate & it is part of the human condition to mull over the negatives. Let's try to change that.
I think of you whenever certain songs come on in my playlist. "You say it best" & "Every Day". I love them both. Was it you that recommended "Irish Heartbeat"? I love it.
 
Emilyrose said:
On a different note - how do you forgive yourself for things? I try to be a good person, and kind and caring and all that nice stuff, and sometimes it's so, so difficult. I'm not the type of person that does things that I don't think are particularly nice and never thinks about it again. I really beat myself up over it. And, of course, it's good to have a conscience, and to recognise that in a certain scenario that you could have handled it better. But, I guess what I'm wondering is, how do I recognise that I wasn't great in that particular moment, but not let that moment overrule all the positive moments of the day?
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yeah I really really struggle with this as well. I really beat myself up over the not great moments...I do think I am getting a little better at self-forgiveness. I like your positive list. Maybe adding in all the lovely things you do for others can help you see yourself in a more balanced way? I can really see your lovely kind and supportive nature here online so I imagine you are the same irl. Maybe writing out all the kindnesses can help you see that side more clearly when your brain tries to beat you up about some of the slips a person makes in a day...
I will add 2 to your list right now--
-writes nice supportive things in people's diaries online
-emotional support to parents
 
- Haha Cate, I don't know any of those songs! By 'Every Day', do you mean 'Every Night' by Paul McCartney? I've never heard of 'Irish Heartbeat'. :p It's nice that you're thinking of me though!
- Aw, that is so lovely, Liza, thank you. It's really nice that you can relate, even if it's about something not great. But I guess that's why we're here, to share our struggles and give each other a boost.

It's Friday! And it's lashing rain! The most miserable evening outside. But I don't have anywhere to be and I can just enjoy settling in for the night and being cosy in my bed with my music and laptop for company. Also, I had a few jobs to do this evening when I got home and I actually did them for the most part. So I've earned being able to just flop around now for a bit.

I had a good day in work, some nice chats with people and everyone was in good form. Got some tasks that were hanging over me out of the way too.

I have a bit of a busy afternoon tomorrow, then it should be a relaxing enough time for the rest of the weekend. My only job for Sunday is to clean out the car. The rain should have it sparkling tomorrow, lol. Sometimes you wonder are we all half-mad to be living on this island, the weather has been so terrible lately. It's a very lonely rock at the edge of the Atlantic. I do love Irish people in general though, there is nothing like the humour you find here. It's kind of like laughing through the tears.

Oh, actually, I did get a nice text today from Paul, who I have played a few tennis tournaments with over the last couple of years. I haven't seen him in ages because I haven't been playing, but he texted to ask me to enter a tournament with him at the end of May. Which is great, because it will get me back training again once this project thing is done. We play well together so it's something to look forward to. And, can you believe it, I am actually 20 pounds lighter since the last time we played together. Wow! That's mad to think about. So that will surely help my game a bit. So that's another job for Sunday actually, siging up for that tournament. And it's on in one of the nicest clubs in the region, which is also cool.

So yeah, all the men are texting me this week, hahaha. I must be doing something right!! :D

I discovered this one tonight, it's fairly romantic, and I think it's really beautiful.

 
Emilyrose said:
- Haha Cate, I don't know any of those songs! By 'Every Day', do you mean 'Every Night' by Paul McCartney? I've never heard of 'Irish Heartbeat'. :p It's nice that you're thinking of me though!
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I should send you a copy of my playlist. I think you would love most of them. :blush5: Yes, I do mean "Every Night" by Paul McCartney :blush5: & Irish Heartbeat I think you would like too.
I woke up this morning with this song in my head & wondered if you would like it. Weird I know!
Emilyrose said:
Oh, actually, I did get a nice text today from Paul, who I have played a few tennis tournaments with over the last couple of years. I haven't seen him in ages because I haven't been playing, but he texted to ask me to enter a tournament with him at the end of May.
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Yay, Paul! The ER tennis academy is up & running again :D
Have a lovely weekend, Em xo
 
So wonderful you have a tennis tournament to prepare for! And huge congratulations on your weight loss - so fantastic!!! Does the Tom thing make you nervous that you are maybe more emotionally attached to him than he is to you? It's really nice in the short term that he can cheer you up and offer good advice, but I really hope it's not one of those lopsided relationships where you invest way more emotionally than he does. Thanks for sharing all the beautiful songs you find - this one is one of my favorites!!
 
Emilyrose said:
Sometimes you wonder are we all half-mad to be living on this island, the weather has been so terrible lately. It's a very lonely rock at the edge of the Atlantic. I do love Irish people in general though, there is nothing like the humour you find here. It's kind of like laughing through the tears.
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I always the love the sound of Ireland and have some of my roots from there. Humor in life is so important.
Emilyrose said:
And it's lashing rain! The most miserable evening outside. But I don't have anywhere to be and I can just enjoy settling in for the night and being cosy in my bed with my music and laptop for company
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Lashing rain can be cozy so long as you don't have to go out in it!

Lovely about the text from Paul. Yay for motivation for tennis training!
 
- Hey Cate, those songs aren't appearing for me for some reason. What were they?
- Thanks Marsia. I was just writing that it is 100% lopsided, but he just messaged me there, so maybe not quite 100%. Anyway, he's cheering me up and I need support wherever I can get it at the moment. My poor parents can only do so much.
- Ireland has its pluses and minuses Liza, but I do think it is a great country overall. If you ever want to visit and trace your roots, don't hesitate to give me a shout!

Today, it's like all the energy has just been drained out of me. I am so, so tired. I woke up at the time I normally do for work and went on my phone for a bit, had a smoke, and managed to get back to sleep at 9 and slept until half 12 when my phone rang. I had a few admin phone calls to make, then I got up, had a shower and made some scrambled eggs and toast. I talked to my housemate for a bit (lovely guy) and then did a bit of work for the project. Went back to bed and slept for another two hours!!!

I got up and made myself a healthy dinner of salmon, rice and veggies with miso paste, tomato pesto and a bay leaf thrown into the mix, and I have to say, it was delicious. So that's a new dish I can have another day. I made myself a decaf coffee and had 3 small jaffa cakes then and now I'm in bed again, listening to music and updating my diary. So, not a lot done today, but I have a hectic schedule for the next 3 days, so I hope it will stand to me.

I think I was so tired because it took me hours to go to sleep last night because I was wired. When I woke up this morning, I felt hungover, just had this awful, lethargic feeling to contend with. I haven't drank anything since Friday so maybe I'm just in complete detox mode. I'm trying to keep that streak going for as long as I can.

Things are pretty good in general though and I'm in a lot better form. I have the dentist booked for Thursday and a wax booked for Friday, and I love getting those 'body maintenance' jobs done. Haha. It means I can try to get a few swims in over the weekend. The weather on Saturday looks halfway decent so maybe I might even go to the beach. A dip in the freezing cold ocean might sort me out! Doesn't Wim Hof swear by it?

I would also like to get a massage at some point in the next week or so. Time is flying by.
 
Oh very nice that you are getting some good weather and possible beach time! Dipping into freezing waters never appeals to me but I hope you enjoy it if you go for it! That would be fun visiting you in Ireland sometime--you never know!
 
- Thanks Cate. I think so!
- Well, keep it in mind, Liza! I don't know if I am a fan of sea dips in freezing water either, but I know it's good for you, hahaha.

Ugh. You know what? I had such a great day, and everything that I was worried about turned out to be fine, and all is looking good and positive and exciting in my life for the next few weeks. I have so much to be grateful for. And I am grateful for it. I want the effort I've been putting into things to pay off, and tonight, it all started to come together, and it was thrilling and I was in great form.

Unfortunately, my private life is an absolute mess and I was crying again today and I just feel so at sea, you know? Like, there is no happy outcome for the scenario that I have planted myself in. I'm the only one in this scenario, which makes it worse. But, I guess a positive to take from it all, is that I came home, I cried for maybe 20 minutes, and then I felt better and I got up and went to where I needed to go and I enjoyed myself. So, as bad as things seem at times, I am marching on.

I guess I'm just worried about my future because I need to meet the love of my life soon if I want to have children. And that's quite frightening. I'm not a fan of going down the freezing my eggs route because I don't believe in trying to control your life to that degree. I mean, if people want to do that, work away, it's just not for me. If I miss the window, then I miss it. And maybe I'm not meant to get married and have kids. But I want to be in love. And not in this way.

Anyway, I'm learning some hard lessons, and I probably deserve to in some ways. But how do you quench a feeling? Or a memory? What was the point of it all? That's the hardest thing. I guess things in life just happen and I am probably putting more meaning into some aspects of it because it's important to me. I don't like being confused to this degree. It has thrown me completely.

You know, I am probably the closest I've been in years to looking how I want to look and to doing the stuff I love to do, and I still find myself crying every week. Life's a bitch, eh?
 
Life is good, Em. We can't help who we fall in love with. If you can get past this period in your life & get over Tom you will have learned so much. You don't deserve to be having hard lessons. I know that you will be hurting, but you can move on. I wish I could wave a magic wand & make Mr Right appear for you! The right Mr Right- the one who is there just for you :grouphug:
 
Emilyrose said:
But, I guess a positive to take from it all, is that I came home, I cried for maybe 20 minutes, and then I felt better and I got up and went to where I needed to go and I enjoyed myself. So, as bad as things seem at times, I am marching on.
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That is a very strong positive. Life can be so challenging in so many ways, and I do think so much of it is just moving on to do the next thing. I think it's good that you allow yourself the honesty to look directly at all this stuff and give yourself time to allow the tears to happen while not letting it swallow up your whole life.
 
Liza and Cate said just what I was thinking. I have had long periods where I've searched for the meaning of things, and sometimes I wonder if we aren't meant to make our own meaning? I'm so glad you are appreciating the good things in life and questioning the things you want to change.
 
- Yes, well, I need a miracle, Cate!
- Haha, thanks Liza.
- Thanks Marsia. I'm definitely in a reflective period, that's for sure.

Today I woke up far too early and couldn't switch my brain back off to go back to sleep. The house is in a mess so I texted my housemates about a few things - they took it well and a lot of it was put to rights this evening. I also bleached the toilet which was a badly needed job to get done and emptied out the bins, so I did my part also. I brought a bag of clothes to the clothing bin also, which was another job ticked off the list and sent an email that needed to get sent tonight, so the list is a tiny bit smaller tonight. I still have to clean my room and bring some books to the charity shop, which I hope to get done in the next few days. It was a bright, beautiful day here, so I think that's what spurred me into action.

I got a really nice text message from someone this morning and I was just bawling crying afterwards. It was so complimentary and I was just blubbering away where I'd parked at a petrol station and then I had to compose myself and go in for my coffee and jambon. Jambons are probably the worst breakfast food or anytime food in the world really, but I haven't been eating much lately so I didn't mind getting one so much. I'm an emotional wreck right now! I've been crying every weekend lately. But I think there's a lot of healing in tears and it's needed. I feel like I'm dropping some of the rocks out of the bag with each crying session. Haha. It is ridiculous when someone sends you such an amazing message (he said I was an 'inspiration' and Tom also told me I was inspiring a few weeks ago) and you're crying like a fool, as if they'd said something horrible. I don't know, I guess it's all just part of the process.

The dentist went fine on Thursday - the dentist I have is just a joy to be around and the dental nurse was also so lovely and told me about a great discount on electric toothbrushes going at the moment that her boyfriend had used. I have gum disease but I'm keeping it at bay with regular visits and, of course, we all know it would go away if I gave up smoking. But my teeth are in good nick. When I was having a really bad day a couple of weeks ago, and nothing seemed to matter, the thought came into my head, 'If you don't care about anything, then you wouldn't care if all your teeth started to fall out', and that was where I had to draw the line on the despair, and say that actually, yes, there are some things I do still care about! Even when it all seems awful, I want a nice smile! Lol. Whatever takes you back from the brink, I guess.

I got my wax done and had a great chat with the Italian girl that normally does it. She was really interesting. She's so good at it too. It had been a while so I thought it might be really sore but it was actually fine. I went off then and bought myself a new swimming togs to celebrate the weight loss a little bit and I went for a swim tonight. I did 50 laps - no problem! - and then I bubbled away in the jacuzzi for a bit and had a brief stint in the steam room. So I felt good when I came home.

I got a few nice text messages from people today and talked to Mum earlier, so that was good. I went for a gigantic nap in the middle of the day, which was a bit of a shame because the day was so nice, but I have to prioritise rest at the moment. I need it.

Tomorrow, I have booked myself an indulgent 90-minute massage in the afternoon and I have a few bits to do around the house. So nothing too major but I hope it's a nice day. I might walk into town and get the bus home. I'll see how I feel in the morning.
 
Oh nice job on getting the house together for a good spring cleaning!
I've been wanting to do my windows every morning when at breakfast I look out of them and see how dirty they are...maybe today!

And very nice on getting all that personal care stuff done and getting in such a great swim afterwards. Sounds lovely. I know what you mean about how sometimes a nap can seem a bit of a waste on a nice day, but I think you're right that rest is so important!
 
It's so painful going through these intensely emotional times, but at least that means if we don't fight it, we have a lot of transformation to look forward to! I love how the weirdest ideas can help with self compassion like the thought of your teeth falling out. I have been getting flashes of an image of the universe hugging me like it's a heavy blanket wrapped around me. It makes me feel good about taking care of myself emotionally, which is something that felt like breaking a taboo previously. I love Cate's article on getting rid of the rocks. I hope you can put down whole bags of rocks and feel a lot lighter. I love that you are spring cleaning and getting massages and teeth cleaned and such. I hope you feel so much lighter after your massage!!
 
- Thanks Cate. I definitely feel like the bag is a bit lighter.
- Yes, if I am not rested Liza, I just can't function. I am feeling the benefit of them. If I need them, I need them. I am going through a busy, stressful time, so I think my brain just needs a break.
- Thanks Marsia. I actually felt really ill during the massage, but it was my own fault, because I had drank wine the night before. :( None since though! The lady put a blanket over my head and I just had a horrible headache, but once I got some water and turned over onto my back, I was okay again. Lesson learned! No alcohol before a massage!

The project I've been working on is nearly over. I've got great praise and feedback from it. It's been an emotional journey, as you've probably gathered. Hahaha. One guy told me today that he loves working with me. That was really sweet. So all of that stuff is great but I am relieved that next week, I don't have to think about it anymore. And maybe I can focus on my personal life and relationships a bit more. That's something I have been ignoring in some ways but summer is coming and it's a good time to get out there and see what life has to offer me.

There's a really good radio programme here called 'Late Date' which starts at 11pm, so I usually don't get to hear too much of it, but when I'm off and up a bit later, I turn it on. There's just an annoying bit where they read out a short story in the first part of the programme that I hate. It's playing now, haha. I love books of course, but I'm not a fan of audiobooks really. I suppose I've never really tried to listen to a book instead of reading it. I don't know, I feel like I would just zone out and miss what was going on.

I've got through all the Agatha Christies in the library, it's the biggest tragedy of my life. Lol. There's still plenty I haven't read so I might have to go to different libraries now on the hunt for them. I have two other books out but I just can't get into them. One is The Pearl by John Steinbeck which is more of a novella really, but it's just not gripping me so far. I've read some Steinbeck in the past and never got into them. Anyway, it's short, so I'll probably finish it.

Tomorrow, I have to make a go at tidying the room and I'm going to go for a swim in the evening. I have chicken in the fridge so I'm going to try to eat all my meals at home tomorrow. I'm spending too much money in cafes. That's it for now, I feel like I will sleep well. My head is not as full of stuff. It's a good feeling.
 
Hi, Em. I'm actually enjoying not drinking wine & finding it easier this time than the last. If I really, really want one I could have one but I don't. It's a good feeling & it helps that I am losing some weight.
"and it's a good time to get out there and see what life has to offer me." That sounds good, Em xo
I don't listen to audiobooks either. I'm a much better reader than a listener. I know I would tune out. Does your library have a system where you order books online & pick them up from your "local" library? I do that all the time.
Emilyrose said:
Tomorrow, I have to make a go at tidying the room and I'm going to go for a swim in the evening. I have chicken in the fridge so I'm going to try to eat all my meals at home tomorrow. I'm spending too much money in cafes. That's it for now, I feel like I will sleep well. My head is not as full of stuff. It's a good feeling.
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Excellent! xo
 
I used to be a huge John Steinbeck fan--well maybe i still could be considered one even though it's been years since I've read his books. I LOVED East of Eden. I only vaguely seem to remember The Pearl...
Emilyrose said:
I've got through all the Agatha Christies in the library, it's the biggest tragedy of my life.
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I can really imagine this sadness :( It's so hard to find books one loves and it's so nice when you know you can rely on an author to deliver what you're looking for.

I'm glad your project got great feedback and that it's almost over now.
 
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