I have to say the guided meditation you left in my diary really helped. I am feeling so much more hopeful, and I feel less serious and more like life is an experiment to have fun with. Thanks for that! I'm so glad you had a happy, mellow birthday with your parents. I so love hearing you talk about them and how much you appreciate them. That's great you get along well with the new housemate. I hope your weekend was really restful. Sounds like things are going well!
Emily Rose: The Reboot
- Thread starter Emilyrose
- Start date
- Aw, that's so sweet Cate. I ended up getting her a voucher for a clothes shop she likes and a card, but I called out on Saturday evening instead. I think she was happy.
- Hi Liza. Well, we picked him from a choice of 3. It was between him and another girl who I thought was nice too, but I thought it might be better to have more of a gender balance in the house. The third guy was obnoxiously talkative. Lol.
- Aw, thanks Marsia, I'm glad it helped. I really liked it anyway.
Tuesday already. I'm in the sick bay again. Sigh.
This is my body's dastardly way of forcing me to give up smoking. I know it. It's finally gotten into my subconscious that I need to stop, so my subconscious is making me sick until I finally do. That's my theory anyway.
I had a relaxing weekend, had wine on Friday, not great, but Saturday I got some nice restorative food and called out to my parents' house for a while, which was nice. I was in bed for half 9, took me a while to switch off, but I didn't wake up till after 9 the next day, which was a great sleep for me. Had such a good, productive Sunday. I went for a 5k run, which I haven't done in 7 weeks according to the app I use. I didn't push hard on it but I found it relatively easy, which was a nice surprise! It's so great to have that 5k as a baseline. It's one of the things in my life I'm most proud of. Anyway.
Came home, made this sun-dried tomato risotto thing with a side salad - super nice, super healthy. Worked on project for a while, again made a healthy meal for dinner - real tuna steak with baby potatoes, baby carrots, broccoli and green beans. So delighted with all the healthy stuff. I did have a mars bar after that for 'balance', lol. But still. I haven't had a day like that in ages.
So, imagine my horror when I woke up yesterday morning early with a really bad sore throat. I was like, 'Ugh, what's this? I was good yesterday!' The throat got worse as the day went on. Eating my lunch was so tough, it was really painful to swallow. (Leftovers from the tuna dinner the day before - again healthy!) I had to go to a meet-up that evening, just didn't have the energy for it, completely stressed out. Ended up having an argument with someone, such a disaster. It was one of those things that just came out of nowhere, you know? One minute things were subdued but fine, the next things had escalated completely. Sigh. Anyway, I'm going to give myself a break about that, and hope they do the same, because I was just not feeling well.
Came home, felt horrendous, still stayed up late anyway reading and smoking, woke up at around 5 am and thought I might die because I felt so congested. My throat felt like razors every time I tried to swallow some water. I was spitting into a cloth so I wouldn't have to swallow anything. It was then I realised that I'd been backed into a corner. I never want to feel like that again, therefore, I have to give up smoking. My body is just not letting me get away with it anymore. So I got up for a while, destroyed the remaining 10 cigarettes in the pack, made myself a lemsip which I could barely drink, and managed to get back to sleep.
I've called in sick today, it's 10.38 am and I feel so much better already, even though I didn't get much sleep overall. My throat is still sore but not as bad. I'm coughing a bit but I definitely feel a lot of the congestion is starting to loosen out. Anyway, there it is. I've had a cough pretty much since January and I know my body wants me to stop smoking. So, let's see how we go. But I don't want to feel this bad ever again, and this will be a regular occurrence in my future if I don't give up. That's the reality of it. And I might not be as quick to recover the next time.
- Hi Liza. Well, we picked him from a choice of 3. It was between him and another girl who I thought was nice too, but I thought it might be better to have more of a gender balance in the house. The third guy was obnoxiously talkative. Lol.
- Aw, thanks Marsia, I'm glad it helped. I really liked it anyway.
Tuesday already. I'm in the sick bay again. Sigh.
This is my body's dastardly way of forcing me to give up smoking. I know it. It's finally gotten into my subconscious that I need to stop, so my subconscious is making me sick until I finally do. That's my theory anyway.
I had a relaxing weekend, had wine on Friday, not great, but Saturday I got some nice restorative food and called out to my parents' house for a while, which was nice. I was in bed for half 9, took me a while to switch off, but I didn't wake up till after 9 the next day, which was a great sleep for me. Had such a good, productive Sunday. I went for a 5k run, which I haven't done in 7 weeks according to the app I use. I didn't push hard on it but I found it relatively easy, which was a nice surprise! It's so great to have that 5k as a baseline. It's one of the things in my life I'm most proud of. Anyway.
Came home, made this sun-dried tomato risotto thing with a side salad - super nice, super healthy. Worked on project for a while, again made a healthy meal for dinner - real tuna steak with baby potatoes, baby carrots, broccoli and green beans. So delighted with all the healthy stuff. I did have a mars bar after that for 'balance', lol. But still. I haven't had a day like that in ages.
So, imagine my horror when I woke up yesterday morning early with a really bad sore throat. I was like, 'Ugh, what's this? I was good yesterday!' The throat got worse as the day went on. Eating my lunch was so tough, it was really painful to swallow. (Leftovers from the tuna dinner the day before - again healthy!) I had to go to a meet-up that evening, just didn't have the energy for it, completely stressed out. Ended up having an argument with someone, such a disaster. It was one of those things that just came out of nowhere, you know? One minute things were subdued but fine, the next things had escalated completely. Sigh. Anyway, I'm going to give myself a break about that, and hope they do the same, because I was just not feeling well.
Came home, felt horrendous, still stayed up late anyway reading and smoking, woke up at around 5 am and thought I might die because I felt so congested. My throat felt like razors every time I tried to swallow some water. I was spitting into a cloth so I wouldn't have to swallow anything. It was then I realised that I'd been backed into a corner. I never want to feel like that again, therefore, I have to give up smoking. My body is just not letting me get away with it anymore. So I got up for a while, destroyed the remaining 10 cigarettes in the pack, made myself a lemsip which I could barely drink, and managed to get back to sleep.
I've called in sick today, it's 10.38 am and I feel so much better already, even though I didn't get much sleep overall. My throat is still sore but not as bad. I'm coughing a bit but I definitely feel a lot of the congestion is starting to loosen out. Anyway, there it is. I've had a cough pretty much since January and I know my body wants me to stop smoking. So, let's see how we go. But I don't want to feel this bad ever again, and this will be a regular occurrence in my future if I don't give up. That's the reality of it. And I might not be as quick to recover the next time.
Cate
Long term member
That's nice, Em. I'm sure she was.
I'm fighting something at the moment & am hoping it's not covid again!
Wow, I wonder if you are developing an allergy to cigarettes. I ask because after my mom finally quit after years of smoking, she could not be around cigarette smoke anymore. She would get a sore throat and if she got too much exposure, she'd get sick like you are describing. I hope you're feeling better now. That's sad you made such nice food and got sick anyway. I hope you (and Cate) feel better!! 
- Thanks Liza. I'm so sick of being sick. This is the longest stint of it I've had in years.
- Great that you're feeling better Cate. I'm a lot better too.
- Thanks Marsia. I know! It seems so unfair cos I really tried! Hahaha.
I haven't spoken about my weight on here in a bit. I weighed in today at 174.1 pounds, 41.6% body fat and a BMI of 26.5. Not bad! There were photos taken of me the other day, and while I didn't look particularly slim or anything, after carefully examining them a few times, I made peace with it. I'm very close to being back to a healthy weight and that fills me with joy. My appetite is just not there. My dad asked me what I was having for dinner and I told him I didn't feel like eating. Before, I'd have to scoff something the minute I got home from work, but it just hasn't been like that lately.
I ate well enough earlier today - greek yoghurt and a mandarin for breakfast and a coffee. Then two digestive biscuits. I had seafood chowder and 2 slices of bread for lunch, which was quite filling. It's after 9 now and I haven't eaten anything since, but I picked up a small wrap there, which I will have in a while. It's weird to not be hungry or thinking about food all day. I guess I've replaced food with other things. And I'm smoking a lot, which is definitely filling a gap in some ways.
I have mostly recovered from my illness and I made good progress on something I needed to make progress on today, so that was good. I'm still coughing and I am definitely not at peak health, but at least I don't feel absolutely rotten like I did Tuesday morning. I'm working from home tomorrow, then it's the long weekend for St. Patrick's Day. So I'm looking forward to that break.
Not much else to say really. Might watch a film now. Not sure what I feel like but let's see what Netflix recommends. Night all.
- Great that you're feeling better Cate. I'm a lot better too.
- Thanks Marsia. I know! It seems so unfair cos I really tried! Hahaha.
I haven't spoken about my weight on here in a bit. I weighed in today at 174.1 pounds, 41.6% body fat and a BMI of 26.5. Not bad! There were photos taken of me the other day, and while I didn't look particularly slim or anything, after carefully examining them a few times, I made peace with it. I'm very close to being back to a healthy weight and that fills me with joy. My appetite is just not there. My dad asked me what I was having for dinner and I told him I didn't feel like eating. Before, I'd have to scoff something the minute I got home from work, but it just hasn't been like that lately.
I ate well enough earlier today - greek yoghurt and a mandarin for breakfast and a coffee. Then two digestive biscuits. I had seafood chowder and 2 slices of bread for lunch, which was quite filling. It's after 9 now and I haven't eaten anything since, but I picked up a small wrap there, which I will have in a while. It's weird to not be hungry or thinking about food all day. I guess I've replaced food with other things. And I'm smoking a lot, which is definitely filling a gap in some ways.
I have mostly recovered from my illness and I made good progress on something I needed to make progress on today, so that was good. I'm still coughing and I am definitely not at peak health, but at least I don't feel absolutely rotten like I did Tuesday morning. I'm working from home tomorrow, then it's the long weekend for St. Patrick's Day. So I'm looking forward to that break.
Not much else to say really. Might watch a film now. Not sure what I feel like but let's see what Netflix recommends. Night all.
- Thanks Cate.
- Thanks Marsia. Always nice to see the weight coming down.
- Thanks Liza. Yes, I mean, it's not like I have a nice, quiet, calm mind now. But the reprieve from the food thoughts is so nice. Something I never thought would happen, to be honest.
Kind of on the subject of what Liza said, you know what's one of my most despised phrases ever in human existence? 'People don't change.' It's such a negative, boxing-in phrase. Because it's something you take in and start to believe about yourself. And I think people can change. Not on the level that they can suddenly become a mathetician if they've always struggled with numbers. Not in that sense. But people change all the time. They can transform their lives, they can get out of negative thought patterns and habits, they can get out of bad situations. I don't know, I just find that line of thinking so disheartening. It makes me feel like I'll never become the woman I desperately want to be.
Anyway, had an overwhelmingly positive day today. Had a work meeting where I was just really 'in flow' and expressed myself really well and I was just delighted with how it went. I just felt I was able to communicate that I do spend a lot of time thinking about my work and trying to do a good job with it and I felt like that was understood by the other people in the meeting. I mean, I'm not a workhorse really, although I have no problem getting stuck into tasks if needed. I don't know, I just felt like 'myself' on the call, it was cool. I wasn't second-guessing myself is what I'm trying to say.
I also got a bit of a telling off from a third party about the argument I had on Monday this evening but then the person I had the argument with was fine with me. We didn't discuss it or anything but we were normal enough with each other, so I hope that kind of just fades away into the ether. I really like the girl, I think we're a lot alike actually. So I definitely don't want to be fighting with people I like and respect. I guess it just kind of happens sometimes, regardless of your thoughts or intentions. Life, eh?
I have also turned a corner in terms of my health. Sore throat completely cleared up. I actually got out the guitar and was singing today! That perked me right up! And my voice sounded clear and strong. Maybe my voice is strengthening up a bit, I don't know. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes is what I like to imagine about how I felt today, haha.
This is the song I was singing earlier, probably one of the most beautiful songs I know. Another Iron & Wine one:
- Thanks Marsia. Always nice to see the weight coming down.
- Thanks Liza. Yes, I mean, it's not like I have a nice, quiet, calm mind now. But the reprieve from the food thoughts is so nice. Something I never thought would happen, to be honest.
Kind of on the subject of what Liza said, you know what's one of my most despised phrases ever in human existence? 'People don't change.' It's such a negative, boxing-in phrase. Because it's something you take in and start to believe about yourself. And I think people can change. Not on the level that they can suddenly become a mathetician if they've always struggled with numbers. Not in that sense. But people change all the time. They can transform their lives, they can get out of negative thought patterns and habits, they can get out of bad situations. I don't know, I just find that line of thinking so disheartening. It makes me feel like I'll never become the woman I desperately want to be.
Anyway, had an overwhelmingly positive day today. Had a work meeting where I was just really 'in flow' and expressed myself really well and I was just delighted with how it went. I just felt I was able to communicate that I do spend a lot of time thinking about my work and trying to do a good job with it and I felt like that was understood by the other people in the meeting. I mean, I'm not a workhorse really, although I have no problem getting stuck into tasks if needed. I don't know, I just felt like 'myself' on the call, it was cool. I wasn't second-guessing myself is what I'm trying to say.
I also got a bit of a telling off from a third party about the argument I had on Monday this evening but then the person I had the argument with was fine with me. We didn't discuss it or anything but we were normal enough with each other, so I hope that kind of just fades away into the ether. I really like the girl, I think we're a lot alike actually. So I definitely don't want to be fighting with people I like and respect. I guess it just kind of happens sometimes, regardless of your thoughts or intentions. Life, eh?
I have also turned a corner in terms of my health. Sore throat completely cleared up. I actually got out the guitar and was singing today! That perked me right up! And my voice sounded clear and strong. Maybe my voice is strengthening up a bit, I don't know. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes is what I like to imagine about how I felt today, haha.
This is the song I was singing earlier, probably one of the most beautiful songs I know. Another Iron & Wine one:
I don't seem to get the youtube links anymore (i think it's in my cookies setting but can't seem to find where to change that...)so can't listen to your songs...but lovely to hear that you got the guitar out and sang. I love doing that as well. So glad your sore throat is completely better.
I absolutely agree--we can change and learn and grow and we should stay open to all of that throughout our lives I think.
Lovely to hear you had such a great day!
I absolutely agree--we can change and learn and grow and we should stay open to all of that throughout our lives I think.
Lovely to hear you had such a great day!
Cate
Long term member
I agree. People can change!
That sounds good, Em.
Yay for starting to feel much better! Lovely song, Em.
I agree with Cate and Liza, and also you are living, breathing proof that people change! You lost a bunch of weight, got great at tennis (whether your tennis group acknowledges that or not). are way better at being patient with people who really used to tick you off, and you are really introspecting and figuring out what you want. I just think that the stuff like quitting smoking is epically hard, and that you should not base your ability to change on whether or not you conquered the hardest stuff or not yet. The song is lovely, and I'm really happy you're having such a positive week.
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- Thanks Liza. I do love getting the guitar out.
- Yeah, it's such a lovely song, Cate. Thanks!
- Thanks Marsia. The quitting smoking thing is so hard. Not there yet, but I am trying to not berate myself too much. If I'm going to do it anyway, I may as well enjoy it.
I haven't posted in a bit. It's been a bit of an upsetting time. I won't go into it here but there just seems to be something dramatic or sad or difficult to deal with every week, and it's hard going.
I'm still standing though and I made some progress tonight on something, so that was great. I just have a lot on my plate at the moment. It's probably one of the most challenging periods of my life, in some ways. And it's hard to stay strong and positive when I have so much anxiety and so many thoughts and worries. I find I'm waking up most nights now at 4 or 5 in the morning and my mind is just like *BING*! Instantly full of stuff again. I do get back to sleep eventually but then I'm struggling to get up at the time I should be waking up. Sigh. Anyway, despite waking up during the night, I felt fresh enough today and everything went fine.
The one fantastic thing I can say about things at the moment is the desire to squash feelings with food has really, really died down. I haven't weighed since the last update really but my desire to buy the 100 g bar of chocolate or huge tub of Pringles and munch away my feelings for the evening has almost gone away. Like, I still like sweets and had a small kit-kat and a standard sized galaxy bar today, but that wouldn't have been enough for me at all before. Particularly in my 20s, I could eat so much chocolate and it would never be enough. I worry I've replaced chocolate with cigarettes, but I've been smoking for a long time now, and I still wanted to eat all the sugar for a long time, even while smoking the same amount I do now.
Anyway, I just feel that's such a great thing to not be struggling with in the same way. The negative feelings are still there unfortunately, but that form of binge-eating as an antidote isn't as prevalent. As I said, not gone entirely, but far more manageable. I also cooked dinner tonight - tandoori chicken and prawn stir-fry with potatoes, so I was happy with that. Any day I cook dinner is a good day. Our standards are low here at the academy. Lol.
Busy day tomorrow, Friday is a bit more low-key, Saturday I'm meeting friends, Sunday playing tennis for the first time in ages, so it should be good enough. Exciting times ahead, so I can deal with it being a bit boring right now. x
- Yeah, it's such a lovely song, Cate. Thanks!
- Thanks Marsia. The quitting smoking thing is so hard. Not there yet, but I am trying to not berate myself too much. If I'm going to do it anyway, I may as well enjoy it.
I haven't posted in a bit. It's been a bit of an upsetting time. I won't go into it here but there just seems to be something dramatic or sad or difficult to deal with every week, and it's hard going.
I'm still standing though and I made some progress tonight on something, so that was great. I just have a lot on my plate at the moment. It's probably one of the most challenging periods of my life, in some ways. And it's hard to stay strong and positive when I have so much anxiety and so many thoughts and worries. I find I'm waking up most nights now at 4 or 5 in the morning and my mind is just like *BING*! Instantly full of stuff again. I do get back to sleep eventually but then I'm struggling to get up at the time I should be waking up. Sigh. Anyway, despite waking up during the night, I felt fresh enough today and everything went fine.
The one fantastic thing I can say about things at the moment is the desire to squash feelings with food has really, really died down. I haven't weighed since the last update really but my desire to buy the 100 g bar of chocolate or huge tub of Pringles and munch away my feelings for the evening has almost gone away. Like, I still like sweets and had a small kit-kat and a standard sized galaxy bar today, but that wouldn't have been enough for me at all before. Particularly in my 20s, I could eat so much chocolate and it would never be enough. I worry I've replaced chocolate with cigarettes, but I've been smoking for a long time now, and I still wanted to eat all the sugar for a long time, even while smoking the same amount I do now.
Anyway, I just feel that's such a great thing to not be struggling with in the same way. The negative feelings are still there unfortunately, but that form of binge-eating as an antidote isn't as prevalent. As I said, not gone entirely, but far more manageable. I also cooked dinner tonight - tandoori chicken and prawn stir-fry with potatoes, so I was happy with that. Any day I cook dinner is a good day. Our standards are low here at the academy. Lol.
Busy day tomorrow, Friday is a bit more low-key, Saturday I'm meeting friends, Sunday playing tennis for the first time in ages, so it should be good enough. Exciting times ahead, so I can deal with it being a bit boring right now. x
I really empathize with so many things being hard and waking up at 5am and thinking really hard. I hope you have some good relaxation things you can do so this phase of things doesn't stay so overwhelming. So fantastic about the lack of an urge to eat too much!!! That's huge and I am so glad that is sticking with you. I really hope it becomes permanent. I don't think academy standards are low - tandoori chicken and a prawn stir fry sound like a seriously good meal! Anyway, it sounds like you are doing so well despite the circumstances, and like you have a good weekend ahead!
Sorry to hear there is just so much anxiety and stress going on for you right now. That is so hard. That is a big win that you aren't turning to food for comfort through it for sure. I hope the stress will pass.
Especially such a fancy dinner though!
Your weekend plans sound great! Enjoy!
I agree with the others--not low standards at all! Getting dinner cooked when things are stressful and busy is huge.
Especially such a fancy dinner though!
Your weekend plans sound great! Enjoy!
- Thanks Marsia. I am not doing brilliant but I'm doing okay. And that's good enough for now.
- Haha, I definitely am competitive Cate. I have lost heart where tennis is concerned but the woman that asked me to play is around my age and really nice, so I didn't like to turn her down. I'll probably get back into it again when I have more time.
- Haha, it wasn't fancy at all, Liza. It was nice though.
Tomorrow, I try to tackle giving up smoking again. I have a really, really strong reason to quit, the strongest one I've had in a while. Like, monumentally strong. And yet... I don't even enjoy smoking anymore, it's just the thought of losing the stabilisers is fucking terrifying. I've been slow to do things my whole life. I was always a cautious child and an even more cautious adult. So just stopping and having to navigate the stormy waters I find myself in right now just feels incredibly overwhelming.
But I have to do it. I will never find a better reason. The time is now.
Anyway, let's keep ours fingers and toes crossed that I will post here tomorrow with one day done! I have it in me, I know I do. It's just buried really deep.
A friend texted me earlier and they've broken their leg and are out of action for 3 months. I feel so sorry for him. I told you, it's non-stop hardship at the moment! Not just for me, it seems, but for everyone. There must be something strange going on with the planets, I don't know.
I do feel like things turned a corner for me this evening on something I'm working on. There was a chink of light on Monday, today there was a full-blown lamp. Lol. So I feel better emotionally.
Friday tomorrow. So happy that the working week is nearly done. I would love the financial freedom to do whatever I wanted all day long. I really don't think I would find it boring if I didn't have a job. I used to think that, but I've seen how some of the tennis ladies live that don't work and it seems glorious. Hahaha.
- Haha, I definitely am competitive Cate. I have lost heart where tennis is concerned but the woman that asked me to play is around my age and really nice, so I didn't like to turn her down. I'll probably get back into it again when I have more time.
- Haha, it wasn't fancy at all, Liza. It was nice though.
Tomorrow, I try to tackle giving up smoking again. I have a really, really strong reason to quit, the strongest one I've had in a while. Like, monumentally strong. And yet... I don't even enjoy smoking anymore, it's just the thought of losing the stabilisers is fucking terrifying. I've been slow to do things my whole life. I was always a cautious child and an even more cautious adult. So just stopping and having to navigate the stormy waters I find myself in right now just feels incredibly overwhelming.
But I have to do it. I will never find a better reason. The time is now.
Anyway, let's keep ours fingers and toes crossed that I will post here tomorrow with one day done! I have it in me, I know I do. It's just buried really deep.
A friend texted me earlier and they've broken their leg and are out of action for 3 months. I feel so sorry for him. I told you, it's non-stop hardship at the moment! Not just for me, it seems, but for everyone. There must be something strange going on with the planets, I don't know.
I do feel like things turned a corner for me this evening on something I'm working on. There was a chink of light on Monday, today there was a full-blown lamp. Lol. So I feel better emotionally.
Friday tomorrow. So happy that the working week is nearly done. I would love the financial freedom to do whatever I wanted all day long. I really don't think I would find it boring if I didn't have a job. I used to think that, but I've seen how some of the tennis ladies live that don't work and it seems glorious. Hahaha.
Cate
Long term member
It's not at all boring not working any more, but it would be even more fun if I had more money. It's a trade-off.
I really hope you can give up the smokes, Em. I don't know how G put up with me smoking all of those years. I must have tasted like an ashtray! I have always said if people had to lick their ashtrays clean they would soon give up.
Is there a new role on the horizon that involves singing?
I really hope you can give up the smokes, Em. I don't know how G put up with me smoking all of those years. I must have tasted like an ashtray! I have always said if people had to lick their ashtrays clean they would soon give up.
Is there a new role on the horizon that involves singing?