Emily Rose: The Reboot

[Emilyrose]

- Thank you Liza, I really appreciate that.
- Aw, thanks Marsia.
- . Thanks Cate.

I don't feel quite as bad today. I was crying earlier but I do think crying is very healing and I'm not a big crier in general.

I cancelled tennis tomorrow because the weather is bad but I'm playing on Sunday instead. Tomorrow, I'm probably going to stay in bed for the majority of the day. And I'm okay with that. Sunday needs to be a lot more productive, so tomorrow I need to rest up to prep for a busy enough week.

I never spoke about the SG weekend, which you might have been slightly interested in hearing about. Hahaha. It was extremely up and down. I was late collecting him, and then he wasn't even there when I eventually did arrive, and that kind of set the tone for the evening. We probably don't bring out the best in each other. Having said that, we had a mad adventure and I really enjoyed the evening, but that might have been more the people that were surrounding us rather than him. I don't know, I think because I am so all over the place myself, I'm just not good company for anyone right now.

By the end of the evening, we genuinely despised each other, but we kind of got over that when we got back to the hotel, which was a relief!!! Then we had a great day on Sunday, went for a lovely brunch, the sun came out, he held my hand for a bit while we were walking to the cafe, and it kind of made up for all the fighting the night before.

Will we meet again? Not sure. I need to be in a happier place. I am getting loads of attention from men this week though, it's kind of insane. And SG got some attention in the pub we were in as well. I wasn't exactly jealous but I didn't want someone else to take him from me either, even though I found him so annoying! Hahaha. What an egomaniac.

So yeah, I'm down but not out. I really want to sort myself out and start taking care of myself the way I wish someone would take care of me, as Marsia said. I've had a great week in terms of achievements. I got a lovely email this morning where I was praised highly and I just started blubbering because it felt so empty without anyone to share it with.

I think it's the doing-it-alone aspect of life that is really killing me right now. And I met someone that I really felt 'got me' and I thought (and still do think) that we had an amazing connection, and it's really, really hard to no longer have them around. I mean, SG and I get on and have a connection to a certain extent but it's just not on the same level. The level I'm talking about is a slightly unhinged level. For me anyway.

I watched this earlier and it's probably the most beautiful story I've heard in a long time. It gives me hope because I am a big believer in magic also. You kind of have to be if you want to get through the bad stuff. That's how I feel anyway.

 

[liza3]

I never spoke about the SG weekend, which you might have been slightly interested in hearing about.

Well yes! I was a little curious!
Sounds like a real up and down weekend but am glad you enjoyed aspects of it...
It is nice that you have some good achievements to celebrate even if you aren't really feeling it right now. May you find that special someone to share it all with soon!

 

[Marsia]

I think sometimes life doesn't give us what we want when it wants us to figure out how to take care of ourselves better (speaking from my current experience, anyway). I do think that you already do a lot of good things for yourself, and maybe you are being asked to continue on with that in even more areas of your life. I used to be so annoyed that guys never wanted to date me when I was lonely, but when I was happy with my life as a single person, they would want to date when I was too busy with things I really cared about and I just wasn't in the mood to date. That guy who you were more into than he was into you sounds like he has the potential to really make you miserable. I hope you don't keep thinking of that and let yourself keep longing for the unattainable. I am really realizing that once I figure out that something doesn't work in my life, I need to move on and find things to look forward to and to plan for. That is what I am doing now because I am about to go through epic stress in court, and I want other positive things to focus on and to look forward to that help me get through this in a sane way. I can't always choose whether I go through hard experiences or not, but can prepare by getting in a good frame of mind where I'm not so reactionary to the current hard situation.

Thanks for letting us know how the weekend with SG went. It sounds like a wild ride, and I admit I am sad it didn't go better, but you did warn us that the chemistry isn't quite there. It's so great you are getting positive attention and praise!! I hope you can really soak that all in!!!

 

[Cate]

I was curious about your weekend with SG too, but wasn't going to ask. It's a shame that it didn't go better, but I don't think you had high expectations. Getting positive attention & praise is nice, Em. I really hope you can get over T xo

 

[Emilyrose]

- Thank you Liza. The main thing is that I am glad I went, even if it wasn't exactly a fairytale romance kind of night away. I pray that that kind of mini-break is in my future, I really do!
- Thanks Marsia. What you say is very true, but try telling my heart that! It's not listening!
- Thanks Cate. x

Happy Valentine's Day to my beautiful forum friends. The kindness and support you show me on here really keeps me going at times. Thank you.

Things are still hard. I did a heart meditation last night before bed where you had to say kind things to your heart and I was just crying and crying. I'm very out of sorts.

Maybe people at work can sense it because they are being very lovely to me, which is helping. I also got a random text today from this Egyptian man I met on my yoga retreat holiday back in 2019. How nice of him to still think of me! I really must track him down if I ever visit London again. He sent me a funny Valentine's video about 'someone finally finding their valentine' and I texted back that I was still looking for mine and he replied that there's a 'super lucky guy for me around the corner.' It cheered me up a bit, I have to say. He was a really interesting guy, he used to go on all these different weight loss holidays in an effort to lose some kilos pretty quickly. We both suffered on the holiday we were on, we just couldn't handle all the lentils and beans and stuff! Lol! He also has a summer home in Spain that he said I could use any time I wanted, so it's nice he's still in contact. You never know!

Anyway, life is going along. I'm involved in this new project that is scaring the life out of me. I'm thinking about quitting because there's lots of teething problems and I'm not feeling too confident about it, but I kind of aired my grievances and we'll see how it goes tomorrow. I feel a bit emotionally raw and this is the kind of thing where all of that stuff sort of bubbles to the surface, so I genuinely don't know if I'm able for it right now. Tomorrow will tell a lot I think.

That's all for now, I cleaned my room this evening, I was even kind of cheerful doing it. I guess it's another monkey off my back that that job is done. I don't know why I procrastinate on things so much when I'm so fucking happy once I finally do them. Anyway. Maybe I'll figure out a better method some day...

 

[Cate]

Happy Valentine's Day to my beautiful forum friends. The kindness and support you show me on here really keeps me going at times. Thank you.

That's sweet, Em

Maybe people at work can sense it because they are being very lovely to me, which is helping. I also got a random text today from this Egyptian man I met on my yoga retreat holiday back in 2019. How nice of him to still think of me! I really must track him down if I ever visit London again. He sent me a funny Valentine's video about 'someone finally finding their valentine' and I texted back that I was still looking for mine and he replied that there's a 'super lucky guy for me around the corner.' It cheered me up a bit, I have to say. He was a really interesting guy, he used to go on all these different weight loss holidays in an effort to lose some kilos pretty quickly. We both suffered on the holiday we were on, we just couldn't handle all the lentils and beans and stuff! Lol! He also has a summer home in Spain that he said I could use any time I wanted, so it's nice he's still in contact. You never know!

That's a lovely thing to have happen when you need it, Em. He does sound interesting. It's a generous offer. You obviously made an impression there xo

 

[Marsia]

Happy Valentine's Day Em. The Egyptian guy sounds kind. I hope you do find a kind, good person like that who is actually in the same country very soon! Nice you can go visit him in Spain! Your work sounds so stressful. I hope you get some nice hot baths or other good stress-relieving things in to counter all that. Hopefully tomorrow you find out that this is way more doable than it sounds. I hope you are able to move out of this "whatever doesn't kill us, makes us stronger" phase of life very soon!!! In the mean time, more big hugs!

 

[liza3]

Happy Valentine's Day to my beautiful forum friends. The kindness and support you show me on here really keeps me going at times. Thank you.

Very sweet!-happy valentine's day to you as well and a big thank you for all your support as well!

Things are still hard. I did a heart meditation last night before bed where you had to say kind things to your heart and I was just crying and crying. I'm very out of sorts.

I am really sorry to hear you are continuing to have such a tough time emotionally.

That's all for now, I cleaned my room this evening, I was even kind of cheerful doing it. I guess it's another monkey off my back that that job is done. I don't know why I procrastinate on things so much when I'm so fucking happy once I finally do them. Anyway. Maybe I'll figure out a better method some day...

Yes! I always wonder the same with me with procrastinating--I am trying to get more consistent with the simple positive actions that make my life better

 

[Emilyrose]

- Thanks Cate. Yeah, he was a lovely guy.
- Yeah, the Egyptian man was nice, Marsia. It would be more going on holiday and he'd let me stay there, rather than visiting him. He's an older man married with kids, so it was a friend thing.
- Thank you Liza. It's really annoying that I feel this way but today was a better day.

I've decided to stick with the project. Tonight was a lot better and I've figured out a strategy of how I can do it without facing burnout. I really need to start minding myself properly.

I did a long walk this evening, which was really great. I'm not a big fan of walking, but this was walking to and from somewhere, which is different. Walks with a destination are a lot more doable for me. It was a lovely, mild evening and it felt great to be out in the fresh air, moving my body. It was even a little bit bright when I set out, so it's nice to see that the evenings are finally getting a little bit longer. This is a nice time of year. I love seeing the daffodils springing up everywhere.

I'm going out with friends and my parents to see a play tomorrow night, so that will be quite fun. I got my dad to act out some scenes from a play with me a couple of nights ago, he was so funny! His expressions were great, I can see where I get it from. Lol. Mum read a bit as well, but she's not as dramatic as the two of us are, which is important for balance. She's the practical one. Anyway, I think a busy night out meeting loads of different people tomorrow will be great for her. I hope it gives her a boost.

Saturday I am getting my hair done and I have another fun thing planned for the afternoon. Sunday is tennis in the evening and some work on the project I'm doing. And catching up on sleep, as next week is hectic.

So glad it's almost Friday. The week in work went well in general though, so that's good.

 

[liza3]

That all sounds lovely and positive Emily. Glad you have found a way to manage the project without letting it overwhelm you. Nice you got out on a good walk too--I find walks so therapeutic.
Enjoy the play with your parents and friends--sounds like it should be a lot of fun!

 

[Marsia]

Are you trying out for a new part? That's so cool your dad will read lines with you and get into the role! Glad your mom is going with you to the play. That's so wonderful you can bring friends and family and have a big social night out together. And great to hear you can figure out work and how to keep it from overwhelming you. Sounds like a good week and an even better weekend to come. Hope you really enjoy it!

 

[Cate]

Your weekend sounds lovely, Em & so good to hear that your work week went better xo

 

[Emilyrose]

- Thanks Liza. I am absolutely loving the walks, I have to say. Let's hope the rain holds off for them!
- Thanks Marsia, I'm really enjoying it so far.
- Thanks Cate. Always a blessing when work goes well.

Today, I feel a lot lighter in my heart and am starting to realise how heavy things have been, which is mostly my own doing, to be fair. But I really enjoyed myself today and kind of remembered how to have fun again. So that was good!

I went home for a couple of hours and watched TV with my parents for a bit and it was all very relaxing and enjoyable. Well, to be honest, when I got home around half 4, my dad was out and my mother was in bed. I told her in no uncertain terms to get up. Haha. I asked if she sleeps when she retreats to the bed like this, and she said no, but it's the only place she feels safe from all her problems. I get it, I really do. Anyway, the main thing is that she did get up and she was actually in good enough form for the rest of the evening. But yeah, I guess the 'Instagram' version of my life would edit that first part out. Life is hard at times.

Tomorrow is a day for sleeping and getting a few jobs done around the house. Put on a wash, that kind of thing. I'm playing tennis at 6. I have no time for tennis next week, which is a bit of a worry, as the tournament is only a couple of weeks away. Eek. I have extremely low expectations for it, to be honest, which is maybe better. I watched King Richard the other night, it's the one about Serena and Venus Williams' dad starring Will Smith. Well worth a watch. But yeah, I am not dedicated enough for tennis, even at my low grade. Still, it's a great outlet for me.

I was in a beautiful hotel today for something, and the lobby just smelt amazing. There was a fire lighting and a lady was playing piano and it was all so gorgeous. I like a bit of the high life from time to time, I have to say. Haha.

 

[Cate]

Today, I feel a lot lighter in my heart and am starting to realise how heavy things have been, which is mostly my own doing, to be fair. But I really enjoyed myself today and kind of remembered how to have fun again. So that was good!

I love this, Em ღ

I guess the 'Instagram' version of my life would edit that first part out. Life is hard at times.

I'm glad you share the tough stuff too.

I was in a beautiful hotel today for something, and the lobby just smelt amazing. There was a fire lighting and a lady was playing piano and it was all so gorgeous. I like a bit of the high life from time to time, I have to say. Haha.

Sounds lovely xo

 

[Marsia]

I'm glad you don't do the Instagram version of your life. It's really good seeing you slowly transform all these things you are acknowledging and facing head on. I think you've had so many things you want to transform that maybe you don't see your progress at times because it's spread out over a bunch of issues you've been working on. But it's so good that you are feeling better and that your heart feels lighter. I love going and sitting in the lobby of fancy hotels and getting a mini vacation. Sometimes K and I go do homework in a fancy hotel lobby just for a change of scenery. The firelight and music sound lovely.

 

[liza3]

So good to hear you feeling light in your heart and enjoying things again! How lovely!
The tennis sounds like such a great outlet for sure. We don't have to be pros to get a lot out of our sports. I feel the same way about running when I can do it. I'm not even great at an amateur level but it is just about the joy and release I get from it.

I was in a beautiful hotel today for something, and the lobby just smelt amazing. There was a fire lighting and a lady was playing piano and it was all so gorgeous. I like a bit of the high life from time to time, I have to say. Haha.

Beautiful!

 

[Emilyrose]

- Thanks Cate, it really was.
- Oh, that's a lovely thing for you and K to do, Marsia.
- Thanks Liza.

Unfortunately, the blues are back in a big way. And I have a cold, which isn't helping.

I worked from home yesterday, which can sometimes be a mistake, because I have too much time to think, and then I ended up bawling crying for a while. Then I went into work today, and I heard some triggering news, and I was holding back the tears at my desk for a bit this morning. Sigh. I don't know how to climb out of this emotional black hole. And I'm really feeling very, very sorry for myself. Which is allowed. I like being empathetic towards myself, rather than punishing. But yeah, it's tough going.

I guess I'm just wondering why it's never me, why I'm never 'the one'. I've never been anyone's favourite, and that's so sad for me. I've been lots of people's 'flavour of the month' but nothing lasting, you know? And I really didn't like the way I was with SG on our recent night away together. I mean, I actually think he's an awful person, and I don't think I ever want to see him again, but still... I was kind of the awful one when we were together. I mean, he's good-looking and has some good points I think, but in general, I don't think he treats me very well. He's very selfish and doesn't listen to anything I say. Is that normal? Maybe it is, hahaha. At least with the men I end up meeting. But yeah, he doesn't care about my well-being, only his, and therefore, he is not someone I could ever pursue something with. Plus we kind of have a lot of the same vices, so that doesn't work. There's no balance to be found.

Anyway, I don't know why I'm thinking about him all of a sudden. I'm mostly thinking about me and the predicament I've found myself in. Yesterday, it was like living in a fucking nightmare of my own making. It's too hard to explain really. But I feel very trapped and very hopeless about my future at the moment. I hate feeling like that. Normally, I can kind of push on and just pretend to myself that tomorrow will be better. But I'm finding that close to impossible the last while.

Anyway. Train journey tomorrow. Which I always like, even when in the doldrums. And a friend who I haven't seen since Christmas reached out yesterday, which was nice. So, I guess I'll trundle on.

 

[Cate]

Oh, Em. SG doesn't sound like he's good for you. I do hope you find the "right one" & you will feel valued
Another train journey will be good. I love train travel. Friends reaching out is lovely xo

 

[liza3]

Sorry to hear you are continuing to feel sad Emily
Yes having a cold certainly wouldn't be helping I'm sure.
I hope you enjoy the train journey and are feeling better in general very soon.

 

[Emilyrose]

- Thanks Cate. No, I don’t think he is! It was a good trip away though.
- Aw, thank you Liza.

I’m on the train now. Just had my egg sandwich and a cup of coffee. My dad brought me to the train station and when we were stopped outside, he started rooting in his coat pocket and he had brought two creme eggs for me ‘to have with my coffee on the journey’. What a sweetheart.

So yeah, it was nice to see him and it cheered me up a bit. No tears yet today, so that’s good too! I am feeling a bit tired now so I might read a little of my book and then try to nap for a while.

I’m away for the weekend so I probably won’t be on here for a few days. I think the break will do me good.