Emily Rose: The Reboot

So glad the work issue was quickly and easily resolved!
Emilyrose said:
Sometimes I think I'm not making any progress, but the void inside is definitely not as overwhelmingly big as it used to be. It used to be a chasm, to be honest. So that has definitely gotten smaller - still there, unfortunately, but I'm a lot better than I was when I was younger.
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That is so good to hear that you can see the progress you are making! Sometimes I'm not sure what direction I'm going...in some ways I think my younger self was more free and open and I kind of miss that self... but then in other ways I can see how I am definitely suffering less nowadays...life is so complicated sometimes!
 
- Aw, thanks Cate. That's a really nice thing to hear.
- Yes, I was a very happy shopper this evening Marsia.
- Yes, life can be very complicated Liza. I don't have the answers, I'm afraid.

I got my new duvet set this evening! And I went a bit mad and I also got a new fitted sheet, new pillows and a brand new duvet! So everything is fresh and warm and cosy. I spent over 100 euro on it, but it's totally worth it. I'm going to wash the old duvet covers and pillows in one of those industrial washing machines you find at petrol stations over the weekend and bring them home. Mum will probably use them.

So I am like the Queen of Sheba in my bed tonight. Now I just need a king to share it with. As the saying goes, 'Fail to prepare, prepare to fail.' ;) So yeah, at least I will be nice and comfy tonight, even if it is by myself.

I don't have much on tonight. I played tennis earlier, we won. I was a bit tired and off form for it to be honest, but I managed to put on a happy face and I enjoyed it overall. One of the ladies Jen yelled out, 'Emily Rose!' when I arrived at the court and called me on to do some warm-up hitting with her and William. That was nice. Some of them are still a little bit strange but I think I'll have to take my own advice and not get a thing in my head about it. I really do overthink things. I don't have enough happy things to occupy my time, to be honest.

Anyway, my mood has been very, very off lately. I've managed to power through at work and stay relatively cheery, which has lead to a 'fake it till you make it' kind of scenario where I don't actually feel too bad. But the minute I leave, I am just back in the doldrums and I don't want to cook dinner or go to bed early or make my lunch or exercise or do anything that I should be doing to mind myself. I just want to smoke and drink. I've been drinking a lot this week, it's really pathetic, to be honest.

I have something I need to look halfway decent for coming up soon and I really want to feel fresh and good about myself at it. So I need to knock the drink on the head. The smokes too but the drinking is non-negotiable. So that's the focus for the next fortnight. Starting tomorrow. I'm allowing myself the misery for one more evening. Then, enough! I need to start living my life again.
 
It's lovely how much you appreciate the small but wonderful things in life like new bedding! So glad you have normal, happy people to play tennis with, too. I hope I someday figure out how to stop eating stuff that is making me unhealthy so maybe I can pass on how I did it, but for now, all I can do is commiserate with you about doing stuff that looks counterproductive. I think you are on a good track with the swimming, tennis, appreciation, and learning to manifest. It's good you do have nice positives to balance out the stressful stuff.
 
So great you got yourself a whole new bedding set and can really enjoy that!
Sorry to hear that the doldrums are still hitting once you get through your day...that is tough. I hope you feel better soon. Sometimes we just have to go through the motions until we feel better again...:grouphug:
 
- Thanks Cate.
- Thanks Marsia.
- I agree Liza. Thanks.

Well, today I had a good day.

3 Good Things:
1. I weighed in this morning at 179.6 pounds! Back in the 170s after a nearly 4-year exodus! :party:I am bloody proud of myself.
2. I beat one of the ladies who has made the team 6-0, 6-2 today. Which further proves my point that I should have been picked, but anyway. I played really well. All eyes on the tournament now in a month's time.
3. Spanish Guy got onto me today and we are going away for a night together next weekend. Back on the horse!

I'm looking forward to meeting Spanish Guy, and he sent me some nice messages this evening. I'm still in despair about Tom though, I literally don't know what's wrong with me or why this has left such a scar. Spanish Guy's messages made me start listening to Tom's messages again, which is never a good thing, and I just feel really upset. I mean, the man definitely sparked something in me. I just can't understand why I can't let this go. It's really making me so sad and taking the good out of everything.

Anyway, I can't do anything about that. I am happy that I have something fun to look forward to next weekend. I need to get out of the rut I'm in with regards men, and even though meeting Spanish Guy is like taking a step back in time, I think it's really important for me to go and try to enjoy myself.

So yeah. Busy enough week ahead. I'll try to get an early night I think.
 
Emilyrose said:
Well, today I had a good day.
3 Good Things:
1. I weighed in this morning at 179.6 pounds! Back in the 170s after a nearly 4-year exodus! :party:I am bloody proud of myself.
2. I beat one of the ladies who has made the team 6-0, 6-2 today. Which further proves my point that I should have been picked, but anyway. I played really well. All eyes on the tournament now in a month's time.
3. Spanish Guy got onto me today and we are going away for a night together next weekend. Back on the horse!
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Yay!!!!!!
 
Wow!! 🪄You are in the magical 170s!!!✨ That must feel so wonderful!!! I hope you continue to kick the butts of the people chosen for the tennis team so they can see that they made a big mistake not choosing you! And I hope Spanish guy helps you let go of the one that isn't really emotionally available - hopefully a bird in the hand really is worth the two in the bush!
 
- Thanks Cate.
- Thanks Liza. I should feel more triumphant about it but the goalposts are always moving, unfortunately.
- Thanks Marsia. It will be a bit of an adventure for the weekend anyway. We're going to a really cool forest park and it will be nice to have someone to eat with and chat to for the day.

Today was okay. I am struggling through. I'm not really enjoying myself very much but today is the last day of winter and hopefully I'll see a brightening in my mood over the next few weeks. I really need this dark cloud to lift.

I did have an interesting chat on the court yesterday. There's a woman in the club who I don't like too much, I've had a few run-ins with her and she's just OTT about the whole thing. Anyway, the woman I was playing with yesterday made the team with her and she said she has no interest in playing with her and she's seen her being really rude to people up there. She also said she doesn't want to play with the grade 6s anymore (she's a grade 6 herself!). Do you know how cheering it is when you hear from someone you really respect that they also feel the same way about someone else? That it's not just you? God, it's a great feeling. So that cheered me up, haha. There's also drama with the team that I am not involved with so I'm just going to ignore that disappointment and keep going with my own thing. That's the only way to do it.

I also had a nice game with the lady I played with last week again today. She was winning the second set, which I think she was delighted about! So she left in good form. Lol. I played well in the first though.

I discovered this new band and song today, I am completely obsessed. It makes me feel like a rock star when I listen to it. I'd love the confidence that these ladies just exude. I'm reading Parker Pyne at the moment, and one of women he hires for different jobs is referred to as a 'vamp'. I really want that vamp energy. I need to break out of my shell a bit. Anyway, this is a great tune and also relevant.

 
It would have been reassuring to hear that someone else had similar issues with the OTT tennis woman. I'm glad that you're continuing to play tennis, Em. It does you so much good.
I hope you have a lovely weekend with SG. I'll have a listen to that song later in the day, but I just read the lyrics.
 
Emilyrose said:
I'm not really enjoying myself very much but today is the last day of winter and hopefully I'll see a brightening in my mood over the next few weeks. I really need this dark cloud to lift.
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Hopefully your meetup with Spanish Guy will give you a lift and then yes! Spring is right around the corner!
Emilyrose said:
Do you know how cheering it is when you hear from someone you really respect that they also feel the same way about someone else? That it's not just you?
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Oh yeah I totally get that!
 
- Thanks Cate. I hope so too.
- Thanks Liza.

I'm at a bit of a loss to know what to do with myself this evening. I had a big lunch so I just had a slice of toast with cheese for dinner. Didn't feel hungry for any more than that.

Actually, I forgot to say in my post yesterday that the first thing Jen said to me yesterday when I met her before our tennis game was, 'You've lost weight!' That's two of the tennis ladies who have mentioned it now. Yay! In the past, I used to get offended when people said anything, now I'm taking it as a sign of massive progress.

I'm still not feeling good, but I actually had a good enough day and people were really nice to me in general. So, you know, that definitely helps. A tennis friend rang me this evening as well. I haven't spoken to her in ages, and we've arranged to play again soon, so that was nice.

Tomorrow is Friday. I have tennis after work, then I have to buy a small suitcase to bring with me for my trip away. This will be me:

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:D
 
Sometimes a "good enough" day is, well good enough. You seem to have gained some good tennis friendships, Em. I have made some lovely friends through golf. Almost the weekend. I hope you can relax & enjoy yourself xo
 
That's lovely that you can appreciate the comments about your success in weightloss now :) I think it helps to feel cheered on by others.
I hope the weekend is a real lift for you!
 
Hi Em! I'm so glad you are letting the compliments in and not paying attention to ego telling you that your progress is not enough! I think you are doing wonderful at weight loss and figuring out how to not get so stressed by a bunch of challenging things. I see you making so much progress on so many fronts!! I hope you completely and thoroughly enjoy your trip with SG - you deserve some pampering!!!
 
- Thanks Cate, I have met some lovely people through the club, that's for sure.
- Thanks Liza. I am taking it as a positive for sure.
- Thanks Marsia, you are very kind.

I'm the most upset today that I've been in a long time. Just crying so much today. I was crying on the way to work, crying at my desk, and I have been in absolute despair for the last half an hour or so. I feel like the pain will never stop. I'm so sad. I'm just so heartbroken. It doesn't even make sense but I just feel awful. I'm in such emotional turmoil. I don't know what to do.

So many things are going so well for me and I seem to have lost my ability to be happy about any of them because the one thing I want is out of reach. The grief is just overwhelming. There's lots of things to look forward to and get excited about and I just feel nothing. I've never been in a such a terrible state. And it seems to be getting worse as time goes on. What's that all about?

I can't keep going like this so something will have to change. I've been begging the Universe, God, ghosts, angels, St. Anthony, anyone, to help me.

I'm sorry to be such a downer but I just need to put this down in an effort to purge my body of all these negative emotions. I'm just dreading waking up tomorrow. I don't want to be dead but I just don't want to live this life of such futility where the things I want most just never happen. Something always goes wrong. I'm worn out from it. I've had enough of disappointments.

Like, I could waffle on now that at least tomorrow is Friday and I have a game of tennis organised after work, blah blah blah, but I just don't care about any of it right now.
 
I really agree with Liza. So sorry you are going through such heartbreak. I don't know why you are having so much trouble meeting someone, but I hope in the mean time you could try doing some of the things for yourself that the someone special will be doing for you when you find him. I did that when single and lonely at different points in my life and found it a big help. Big, huge hugs.
 
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I'm sending you big, huge hugs too, Em :grouphug:
 
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